The BLTS Archive- Points of View: What If It's You by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- DISCLAIMER: Everything Trek is Paramount/Viacom's and not mine. What If It's You, written by Robert Ellis Orrall, Cathy Majeski, sung by Reba McEntire, is also not mine. ** This is an answer to Jungle Kitty's challenge on ASCEM: >The Just-in-Case Challenge. The people we write about lead dangerous >lives. Chances are they've written or recorded messages to be >delivered to friends, lovers, or family members after their death. >Write those letters or comm messages. (It's a little easier to do if >you keep reminding yourself that you aren't killing the character off >and the letter/message isn't *necessarily* going to be delivered.) And it isn't. I promise. Although Tom might show Chakotay later ;-). I didn't think I was going to be able to write this story the way I wanted to, but then I reread For My Broken Heart, and realised that I'd put things just ambiguously enough to get away with it. Anyway, this takes place before The Fear Of Being Alone (well before, actually), around the time of The Swarm/Sacred Ground in canon. It seems that Kathryn was not *exactly* right in her assumptions about Tom and B'Elanna... Feedback, as always, is gratefully appreciated. May be distributed on CPSG, BLTS, ASCEM. May be archived on the ASC archive, R'Rain's site and the CPSG archive. Anything else, please ask. --- What if... Two words, so small, yet so significant in life. There are so many times in my life that I've said what if, and now I'm sitting here in Sandrine's, well, not the *real* Sandrine's, saying them again. The times I've sat at this bar thinking those words... I can't say it to him, though. I wish I could, but I can't, not now. Not now that he's found what he wants. And of course everyone approves. Not like they would if it had been me. But then again, I don't know if it ever could have been me. I want him to know. If anything ever happens to me, which it might out here, I want him to know how I feel. How can I do that? I don't just want to leave a message, he might play it in front of others. But not if I encode it into a program variation only he can access...I can do that. I've got my 'goodbye' program, the one we all have to make when we enter the Fleet completed, so if I make an addition that only he and I can access, no one else will see it. Especially not her. I want the best for both of them, and if it's them together, that's what I want. I'll just have to find someone who I can go on with. A large part of me wants to say Harry, because I know that after the time on Akritiria that he does feel more than just friendship for me. And the idea isn't...unappealing. But...I don't think I could get involved with another man now. It would feel like a substitution for him, and I don't want that. Not for me, and definitely not for Harry. It's the last thing Harry needs, and I know it's not what I need long-term. I wish I could be self-serving and just go to him. I know he'd be there if I did, but I can't do that to him. I just can't. So...it will be a woman. Or a neutrally gendered species...no, I don't have any prejudices, but I *really* like the idea of my sexual partner being either the same sex or the opposite sex. So it must be a woman. You know, the only woman I *can* think of being involved with, for more than a good time in bed, is B'Elanna. I know I flirt with her, probably more than I should...gods, I wonder if he thought that the flirtations with her were more serious than they were before and that's why...well, I don't know, I'll just have to think that things happened as they were meant to. Gods, how could I say anything to him, anyway. Let's start this thing. Computer, activate program Paris-GB-1. Yeah, his is the first message. Guess that's significant in some small way. --- I've got something to tell you that I just can't say... So I'm writing it down in case maybe someday... Our lives take a turn down a road we can't see right now... --- Chakotay, if you're seeing this, I'm dead. I hope I've had a long, happy life, but if I haven't, I hope I've continued to prove myself to you and others. Please, if anyone else is with you, ask them to leave. The rest of this message will not play if there is anyone else in the holodeck with you. The only people who can access this message are you and I, so if I'm gone, you are the only one who can access this. We're alone now? Good. I have something that I want to tell you. Something I can't say to you now, because you're with Kathryn. --- I know you're happy and I'm happy for you... But since you've found each other I've been so confused... Cause I believe there's one soul on this earth that was meant for mine... I was sent here to find... --- Chakotay, I love you. I would never have the courage to say that straight out to you in life, not now, but I want you to know. It may be self-serving of me, but I have to tell you this. No one else need ever know, that's why I've set this up so only you and I can access it. But I truly believe that we have some kind of connection. We may never acknowledge this to each other, but I want it acknowledged. If you have no feelings for me, if you're completely happy with Kathryn, I'm glad. But if not...maybe we did find each other. I don't think now that that would happen, but I do think that our souls touched the day we met, and will always be connected some way. --- What if it's you... What if our hearts were meant to be one... What'll I do... Knowing that I'll never love anyone... As much as I do love you... What if it's true... What if it's you... --- I will never love anyone like I love you, Chakotay. Never. I cannot even contemplate a relationship with another man, because I couldn't use someone the way I would be using them if I did that. That is how deeply my feelings for you run. I hope I've found someone if we didn't find each other, but I know it'll never be like what we might have had, no matter who it's with. --- If destiny called and I missed my cue... Do I get one more chance... Oh, how I wish I knew... I'll never again put my heart in the hands of fate... If it's too late... --- I sometimes wonder...what if I had said something long ago? What if I'd said something while we were in the Maquis? Or even early in the journey on Voyager? Would we have been together now? Did I miss my chance? I know, in life you make a decision and accept the consequences, let fate take its course, but still...I wonder...did fate lead me in the wrong direction this time? I don't suppose I'll ever know... --- What if it's you... What if our hearts were meant to be one... What'll I do... Knowing that I'll never love anyone.. As much as I do love you... What if it's true... What if it's you... --- You know, there's a part of me that wants to live my life out out here. Flying, doing what I love best, being near you, being away from *that* place forever. Gods, how could I ever go back, lose my freedom again? I don't know if I'd survive it. I hope sometimes that I'll never have to find out. And I suppose if you're watching this, I won't have to. Of course there are bad times out here...sometimes I don't think that most of the people on this ship will ever truly accept me. I guess it comes with being a traitor to both sides in some people's eyes. But let's not concentrate on the bad things. There's more than enough time for that later. At least for you... --- If I ever hold you... I'll never let go... But if I never do how will I know... --- I wonder...could I have a night with you? Find out what it's like to make love with you? But I couldn't accept one night. It would have to be all or nothing. But how will I know what I'm losing if I never have it to lose? And why am I asking this of you when we can't know the answer? Chakotay, I love you. I think that says it all. Computer, end recording. --- What if it's you... What if our hearts were meant to be one... What'll I do... Knowing that I'll never love anyone... As much as I do love you... What if it's true... What if it's you... --- Well, it's done. Chakotay will know, even if it's after I die. What will I do now? I can't go to Harry. It's what every fibre of my being is screaming to do, but it's wrong. It's so wrong, I can't do it. Do I have the courage to go to B'Elanna? Do I want her enough to make a relationship work? Yes. I do. If I can't have Chakotay, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and I truly can't imagine anyone else but B'Elanna in that place. "Paris to Torres. B'Elanna, how would you feel about a late-night game of pool? Just the two of us?" "I'd like that, Tom. I'll be there in a few minutes. Holodeck Two?" "Of course. See you then." "Torres out." Well...it's a beginning. --- The End