The BLTS Archive- One Day... by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. One Day You Will is written by Richard Leigh and Mark Teeters. It's sung by Martina McBride on her album Evolution. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, CPSG, ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. If you haven't read After... before reading this, this story won't make much sense. This story takes place three months after the end of my story After... and is an a/u. I don't want to deal with second season canon happenings in this story, because it just won't fit into this universe. Seska and her baby still exist, but everything else (especially Investigations and Resolutions) didn't happen. This story involves a relationship between two men, and includes reasonably explicit sex between them. It also involves non-graphic discussion of m/m rape and other psychological trauma. --- I am timeless... I am patient... I'm beside you and above... I'm the words when you need comfort... I'm the feeling you call love... --- Chakotay reviewed his situation. On the positive side, Tom and he were still together. Tom was finally agreeing to spend time with him outside of the bedroom. Strictly holodeck time that Tom insisted be logged as maintenance, although he was really showing Chakotay his programs, with an enthusiasm Chakotay's heart warmed to see. His love for Tom grew more every day. Unfortunately, that was about it for the positive side. On the negative side...where to begin? Tom still made sure they never spent a night together. Tom still didn't want to deepen the relationship beyond mutual convenience. Tom didn't want the relationship known to anyone, although Chakotay knew Kathryn suspected something. Tom was hiding something. He wasn't able to confide in Kes, and he wouldn't confide in Chakotay. Now the question was, what was he going to do about it? --- Tom was in the holodeck, playing pool. He was also trying *not* to anticipate the night's activities. "Dammit, I *can't* start relying on this to continue. It'll only hurt more when it ends." Tom never allowed himself to think that it might not end. It was only a matter of time in Tom's mind before Chakotay left him for someone else. No one ever stayed with him, and it would be foolish of him to think that Chakotay would be the first. He often wondered why Chakotay had approached him in the first place... --- Chakotay thought again of why he had approached Tom the way he had. He knew that the young man had more emotional walls than Kathryn Janeway, which had been why he'd never tried to pursue the brief spark of attraction he'd felt for her, and that those walls hid something he wasn't sure he wanted to know about, but he also knew that no one else would bring to his life what Tom could. But he couldn't just start courting the young man, that would send him even further behind those walls. He'd been almost grateful for the incident with the Baneans, it had provided him with a reason to approach Tom that would seem plausible to the young man, but would also leave room for him to hopefully build the relationship he truly wanted with Tom. --- Tom made the preparations for the evening in his quarters. He had, when the arrangement had continued for longer than the few weeks that he'd expected it to, started to do things to make their time together more enjoyable. He didn't make any permanent changes, but he would replicate candles to eat by, or a bottle of massage oil for them to use on each other, just small things to make their time a little more special. He didn't like to do more than the little things, in case this was the night Chakotay would tell him that it was the last night, and he would have things around him that reminded him of the all too brief time that he'd felt safe. Not that he depended on others to feel safe. He'd never had someone in his life long enough to become dependent on them, but his time with Chakotay had a feeling of security he'd never allowed himself to feel before. He'd fought it with Chakotay, too, but when he realised that it would be there whether he denied it or not, he decided that he could allow himself that much. --- You say that you can take or leave me... You think right now that you don't need me... Some way, somehow, young heart believe me... One day you will... --- Chakotay knew that it was only a matter of time before he would declare himself to Tom. He had almost said it once or twice already. He needed to either choose a time to declare his feelings, or start something that would help him to keep enough detachment. He decided to try again tonight to get Tom to agree to start counselling. Maybe he could find out what some of those walls were hiding, and the necessary distance between them if he were Tom's therapist should enable him to keep from saying more than Tom needed to hear right now. --- You're a vessel, you're a temple.. You're a journey just begun... --- Later, the two men sat on Tom's couch, talking. "Tom, I'd like you to reconsider counselling. You haven't even started to deal with your prison term yet, and you need to talk about it. I know you can't talk to Kes about it, she doesn't have the frame of reference to understand it, but I do. "Chakotay, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened," Tom gave his stock answer. Chakotay didn't back down as he had before, though. "Tom, I want to help you through this. It will help define our arrangement a little more clearly," Chakotay played his trump card, knowing that if anything could convince Tom, this would, "If I'm your therapist, there's no way we would be suspected of anything more." Tom could see the wisdom of this. "Okay. When do we start?" "Tomorrow? 1100?" "Whenever." "Well, what *shall* we do with the rest of the night?" Chakotay asked, teasingly, already starting to unbutton Tom's shirt. "I don't know...we could play poker," Tom suggested, unbuttoning Chakotay's pants. "I have an idea..." and Chakotay's lips descended on Tom's, cutting off any further conversation. --- You're a young one who is running... You are destined to find love... --- Several hours later, after the lovemaking, and a short nap, Chakotay awoke. For just a moment, he lay, enjoying the feeling of Tom's warmth next to him. If only things could be like this all the time! His gaze played over the beloved features, relaxed in sleep. "One day, Tom. One day you'll know how much you mean to me," Chakotay whispered, and he pulled on his clothes for the journey back to his lonely quarters. --- And when you're lost, that's when you'll find me... We can't see till we are blinded... It's already all been decided... One day you will... --- "No!" The therapy session had gone suprisingly well. Tom had cried a little over his father's abandonment of him following the trial, and he had talked about arriving at the penal colony. But the first night was not something he wanted to talk about. "Please, Tom." "You'll feel differently about me if I tell you, Chakotay." "Tom, nothing you could ever tell me would make me feel differently about you." "This will. This will make you think completely differently about me and who I am. You won't want to be with me again, and you probably won't even want to continue with therapy." "Tom, nothing in the universe could or would make me do either of those things. I am not going to continue to reassure you about our arrangement, and I have started the therapy process with you. Only someone who was totally incompetent would start and not finish therapy with a patient as in need of it as you are. Now *tell* me." "It was the first night in New Zealand. I didn't think I had anything to worry about. It was a Federation penal colony, after all. The thing that I didn't know was that it wasn't only a Federation prison. There was a second part. It had criminals from other worlds held in it. I was walking, not going anywhere, just wanting to breathe in the night air. I heard a noise, thought it was some kind of small animal or something. Animal yes, small, no. It turned out to be a Hikalialen prisoner." Chakotay couldn't help a gasp. The sexual practices of Hikalialens were not discussed in polite society. To humans and most other species, the practices were more than rape, they were brutality. There were stories of Klingons who had not survived a night with a Hikalialen. "Yeah. A Hika. I don't think I need to tell you what happened next, do I, Chakotay?" "You were attacked?" "That's what I thought. He thought it was just the beginning of courtship, so he didn't do much. Or so he thought. He tore me up so badly I still can't bear the idea of being penetrated by anyone. Of course you knew that, just not why. Before it happened, that was my favourite part of sex with men." "How did he...how did he get you, Tom? Did he go somewhere he wasn't supposed to?" "No. I found out later...one of the Maquis from your cell was there too. He heard me go out, and as he already had friends in the place, he was able to arrange for the Hika to get out and attack me. I can't even blame the Hika, you know. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong." "Oh, Tom," Chakotay was unable to do what he wanted most, to take the young man into his arms and reassure him that no one would ever hurt him again if Chakotay had anything to say about it, "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't even his fault." "I know. I just...I feel even more like a whore than I did when I was getting paid for it. I couldn't even defend myself. Not that I ever could. I feel like nothing I ever do is right, except flying," the tone was flat, unemotional, as if asking Chakotay about the nearest inhabited planet. "Tom, what about your holoprograms? Or your friendship with Harry?" "I love Harry, but I think he's kinda taken me on as a reclamation project. And anyone can do a decent holoprogram. It's not exactly rocket science." Chakotay was unable to think of the right phrases to refute what Tom was saying, so he declared the therapy session finished for the day. Tom only had half an hour before he had to be on duty anyway. "Dinner tonight?" the older man asked. Tom looked almost shocked. "You still want to...spend time with me?" 'I want to do a lot more than that, but you won't let me,' Chakotay was tempted to say out loud. "Yes," he replied, simply. As Tom walked out of Chakotay's office, a small part of him thought, 'Well, maybe it's not so bad if Chakotay can hear it and not be completely freaked out and disgusted.' The shift was relatively quiet. Tom was turned around from his helm station, telling Harry a highly elaborated version of one of his more interesting shore leaves, when Harry stopped laughing. Tom was kind of insulted, this was one of his best stories, when he realised that Harry was punching keys on his console. Tom turned around, thinking that he was missing something, and Captain Janeway ordered the viewscreen on. "Ship of unknown origin," Harry said, in the tone that indicated that he'd said that more than a few times on this journey. Tom concentrated on flying them out of the ship's way if possible. "They're powering weapons," from Harry. "Phasers ready," calm and unemotional from Tuvok. "Helm ready," Tom said, shaking inwardly. The ship was rocked by the first blast, but shields were undamaged. Tom shot off a phaser blast that crippled the alien ship's shields, and it limped away. The bridge crew sat back for a moment, feeling the relief of one more close call avoided. Then Tom heard Kathryn Janeway's concerned voice behind him. "Commander?" Tom checked that the ship was steadily on course, and, dreading each second he was facing forward, he turned around. Chakotay had fallen backwards and struck his head on one of the railings. There was a lot of blood. Tom didn't even think, he was at Chakotay's side in a moment, almost yelling at Captain Janeway not to move him. "I'm sorry, Captain, but we can't take any chances. Any movement could be fatal. Computer, beam Commander Chakotay to Sickbay immediately and place him in a spinal brace." The next few minutes were a blur. Tom never remembered leaving the bridge, and he knew nothing until he was in Sickbay. "Tom, what is it?" Kes asked, softly, not wanting to disturb The Doctor as he worked on the delicate nerves of Chakotay's spinal cord. Although medicine was far advanced in the twenty-fourth century, spinal injuries could still be fatal or permanently damaging if they weren't treated carefully. "Chakotay...how is he?" Kes looked surprised, then seemed to sense something in Tom's demeanour, and answered, softly. "He'll be all right. Whoever ordered the spinal brace was right." "Basic first aid," Tom replied, looking at The Doctor. "It was you? Tom, you may have saved his life...again." "This wasn't supposed to happen," Tom whispered to himself. "What wasn't?" Kes asked. "I wasn't supposed to start needing him. He's going to leave me eventually, and I wasn't supposed to start needing him, because that's going to make it hurt more." "Tom, I don't know what this is all about, but I do know one thing. Nothing has a guarantee of lasting beyond the next moment. You can either enjoy the moment you have, or you can regret that the moment will end." Tom didn't answer, because The Doctor was coming toward them. "How is he?" "The Commander has an exceptionally hard head, Lieutenant. His spine was undamaged, and he is suffering only from mild concussion. Oh, and he keeps asking for you. I -" Tom heard no more as he ran to Chakotay's side. The Commander was sitting up, looking a little pale, but otherwise as if he'd just walked in to pass the time with Kes. "Chakotay..I..." Tom couldn't say any more, and just moved to hug the older man. Chakotay was surprised, but pleased, and tightened his arms around his lover. "Tom, I'm all right." "It wasn't supposed to happen," came Tom's voice, muffled by the broad shoulder he was resting on. "What wasn't?" "I wasn't supposed to start needing you, Chakotay. I wasn't supposed to start looking forward to the time we spend together, and that time wasn't supposed to be anything but sex. I wasn't supposed to start wondering what would happen if you died." "Why not, Tom? We're friends too, aren't we? And I know I'd care if, say, Harry Kim died, even though I'm not in love with him, because he's your friend, and you and others would miss him. You look forward to the time you spend with Harry, don't you? You do things other than 'friendship' things with him, don't you?" "Yeah, but I'm not having sex with Harry. Why does sex always have to be so damn complicated?" "It doesn't have to be, Tom. We can be friends who have sex. Haven't you ever had a relationship like that?" "No, I haven't. You know that." "What about Ayala or Julian?" "Julian should only ever have been a friend. And Ayala and I aren't friends either, we don't *have* a relationship at all." Chakotay remembered Miguel Ayala's concern for Tom during the incident with the Baneans, and that he'd tried to stop the beatings of the other Maquis on Voyager. The big Maquis was obviously concerned for Tom in some way, although with Ayala's long-standing relationship with Jerron it clearly wasn't sexual any more. 'Maybe it's Tom's vulnerability. Spirits know I can't blame him for that,' Chakotay mused. "What?" "Can we get out of here? I want to talk to you alone." "Ask the Doc." "Doctor, can I leave?" "I don't know what it is about this place, why patients won't stay, but yes, *if* you agree to medical monitoring and preferably have someone stay with you tonight." "Don't worry about that, Doc," Tom replied, "If that's okay, Chakotay?" he added, hesitantly. Chakotay nodded, unable to answer verbally. He was still silent as they materialised in his quarters, following a quick commed consultation with Kathryn Janeway. --- You say that you can take or leave me... You think right now that you don't need me... Some way, somehow, young heart believe me... One day you will... --- "Tom, you know we're not going to keep this quiet. Three people know now, and even though one of them's the Captain, there's no way we'll be able to keep it quiet. Kes will almost certainly tell Neelix, and you know how likely he is to keep quiet about it." "What do you want to do about it? I don't care who knows, I just wanted you to be spared the gossip and innuendo that being in an open relationship with me is going to generate." "*That* was why you wanted to keep it quiet?" "I know it'll end, eventually, and I just wanted to keep it between us. That way you can find someone else without having to go through a 'mourning' period." Chakotay was stunned at Tom's low opinion of himself. Oh, he was playing along with this charade of their relationship being nothing more than a fling, but even so...Tom's utter defeat was painful for him to witness. He had thought that his constant encouragement of the younger man's potential was starting to bear results, and it was, a little, Tom had agreed to stay with him tonight, but he was starting to realise at last how difficult it would be to overcome a lifetime of defeat. He would not give up, though. "Tom, why don't you let me worry about that? I just want to enjoy our time together. And I would like to be able to sit with you at Sandrine's, maybe play pool together, or dance. Just what everyone else does, no matter how long or short their relationships last." "Sounds good to me," Tom smiled, shyly, and Chakotay was slightly encouraged, especially when Tom moved to kiss him. "Tom..." Chakotay moved back from the kiss. "Yes?" "I do understand why you don't want to be penetrated, but...I'd like you to make love to me. I know haven't asked this before, but I have wanted this for a long time. Would you?" "Chakotay...yes. I won't be able to reciprocate, you know. Not yet...maybe not ever." "I know, but I want this." "Then I think we'd better move into your bedroom." The journey seemed endless, and over in an instant, at the same time. Clothes were removed, quickly, and the two men were on the bed, mouths fused, bodies moving together urgently. Tom stilled Chakotay, finally, pinning him in a hold that he would have only to move to break, and began kissing his neck, his collarbone, his chest, taking a moment for each hard brown nipple to feel his hot tongue. Chakotay was moaning and writhing under Tom's ministrations, and almost screamed as he felt the first slick finger enter him. Tom smiled at him, a smile so bright Chakotay almost climaxed then and there, and continued the careful stretching, adding a second, then a third finger when it was time. Chakotay was begging Tom to enter him, then, and Tom slicked some more lubricant on his own hardness, stilling Chakotay when he made to turn over. "No. I want to be sure your screams are for the right reason, so I need to see your face." Chakotay complied, moving his legs to Tom's shoulders. Tom began moving inside his lover, slowly, making sure he didn't go too quickly. Almost before he knew it, he was completely buried in Chakotay. Tom began to thrust, moving his hardness within the heat of his lover, slowly at first, but at Chakotay's incoherent moan of impatience, he began moving faster, although still with such care and tenderness that Chakotay almost wept. Then Tom's hand began moving on his erection, and Chakotay knew nothing but intense, burning pleasure. It took only a few more strokes, and Chakotay was screaming in ecstacy, climaxing all over himself and Tom, his muscular contractions around Tom's hardness pulling Tom's climax from deep within him. They stilled, Tom gently pulling out, then moving to the bathroom to bring a damp washcloth to clean them both, then Tom lay back down beside Chakotay, not moving for a moment, then when Chakotay pulled him to him, burrowing into the warmth of the other man and falling asleep almost instantly. Chakotay lay awake for a few moments, enjoying the feeling of his arms around the man he loved. Progress, although slow, was ongoing, he reflected. It would only be a matter of time before he and Tom would be able to be together as they were meant to be. It wouldn't matter how long it took, because it would be worth it. Chakotay drifted to sleep with a smile on his face. --- I am timeless... I am patient... I'm the feeling you call love... --- The End