The BLTS Archive- On My Own
by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com)

---

Disclaimer:  Tom and Harry, as well as anything else mentioned that
pertains to Star Trek or Voyager belong to Paramount.  But seeing
that they seem to refuse to see what's in front of them, we have to
fill in the blanks <g>.

The song, On My Own is from Les Miserables.  The story is mine,
copyright November 1997.

Oh, all right.  Here's a nice little P/K with angst, sex,
snugglebunnies and a happy ending.  Just to make up for It Won't Be
The Last <g>. I'm also applying one of my pet theories about Tom to my
characterisation of him in this story.

And the hologram stuff is *all* the fault of the PKSP!

This story takes place sometime after Darkling, but before Favourite
Son.

Lists: PKSP, BLTS

Archiving: ASC archive, R'Rain's Slash Archive, PKSP archive

No other distribution without my express permission, but you may
pass the story on to friends.

Dedicated to Kim Hamilton, for inspiration and some wonderful
stories.

---
I love him but every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
that I have never known....
---

Harry smiled at Tom, thinking again of how much he'd just like to
take that blonde head in his hands and kiss him thoroughly.  How
long had it been that he'd had these feelings?  He knew it had been
before Akritiria, but he hadn't been able to tell Tom how he felt
after that, not after he'd tried to kill him. Then there had been
Tom's interest in B'Elanna, it had seemed to start seriously almost
directly after that ordeal, although Tom had never made any secret to
Harry of his attraction for B'Elanna almost from the time they had
been stranded out here, Harry had often thought that it was just Tom
keeping up his reputation as a rake, which Harry knew damn well
was about as deserved as *his* reputation as a quiet, shy, green
ensign.  He wasn't as experienced as many of the other officers on
the ship, true, but he was treated at times like he was still a child
by Tuvok.  Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were better, but
still tended to try to shelter him a little too much, as if he were
some naive innocent.

If they only knew, he thought, that "innocent"  was hardly the word to
describe him. Oh, he was nothing like say, Commander Riker, whose
reputation was legendary, but he had had his share of experience, with
both men and women.  He'd been more than ready to settle down when
he'd met and fallen in love with Libby, having sowed plenty of wild
oats, and he had chosen not to go through the crew of Voyager,
probably in large part because, if he was completely honest with
himself, at first he'd been convinced that Voyager would soon be home,
and when he'd started to accept that that wasn't really the case, he'd
only been able to look in one direction, that of his dearest friend,
who had shown *no* sign of being interested in him, or indeed in any
man.

The last was the only reason that Harry hadn't given up completely, it
was just possible that Tom had never been with another man, and that
he'd never considered the possibility.  If that was the case, Harry
thought that he just *might* have a chance.  He'd managed to get up
the courage to ask Tom about prison, and had discovered that any
lingering fears that he'd had that Tom might have been attacked while
he was there were unfounded, which he was grateful for, both for Tom
and himself.

But after the Pon Farr incident with Vorik, which had been rather
awkward for all concerned, B'Elanna and Tom had decided that they
weren't meant to be more than friends, and, to everyone's shock,
B'Elanna and *Vorik* had started seeing each other after all the
awkwardness had been worked through.

Tom had seemed unconcerned in public, but Harry knew that he'd been
hurt by it, more than anyone knew, even though he knew that he and
B'Elanna weren't meant to be.together, he had been a little hurt that
she had moved on before he had.

And now, Harry thought, there was Kes to deal with.  Oh, Tom had
made no secret of his feelings for Kes, but he had always said that
he could never break up a committed relationship, so Harry had felt
that Tom's feelings for Kes were like an unattainable dream,
something that would be nice to think about, but not something that
would ever be a real possibility.  But that had been before Neelix and
Kes' break-up.  Harry realised that Tom was asking him a direct
question.

"Voyager to Kim.  Where *were* you?" Tom asked. smiling.

"Sorry, Tom," Harry apologised, "I let my attention drift."

"That's okay, it happens to all of us.  Now, what can I ask Kes to do
on the holodeck?  I want to ask her to do something that's not the
usual, like Sandrine's or the resort."

"How about dancing?" Harry suggested, "I know Kes likes to dance."

"There's a slight problem there, Harry.  I can't dance.  I never
learned how, not couples-dancing.  The Admiral didn't think it was
'proper' for his son to learn to dance by being held by another man,
and he wouldn't even allow me to learn from a holographic program."

"Really?  I had lessons for three years," and a passionate affair with
my instructor, Harry finished to himself, "It's not all that difficult
to learn the basics."

"Would you teach me?" Tom asked.

Without even thinking, Harry replied, "Yes."  A minute later, his mind
caught up to his mouth, and he groaned inwardly.  Although the thought
of holding Tom in his arms, teaching him to dance (although he could
think of *far* more interesting things to do with Tom in his arms,
dancing was certainly on the top ten list) wasn't exactly an
unpleasant  idea, he thought that it would be *much* more difficult to
keep a rein on his feelings for his friend. But there were certainly
*worse* fates, Harry thought, and at least he'd get to feel what it
was like to hold Tom in his arms.

"When do you want to do it?" Tom asked.

Restraining himself from saying "Right here and now," Harry replied,
"After shift?  Or did you have other plans?"

"Not till later.  Kes has something to do in the airponics bay, but
we're meeting at 2100 hours. Want to have dinner together?"

Said so casually, as if  it wouldn't matter either way, but to Harry,
it was another small moment, another chance to be with Tom.  He
didn't like the feeling of needing to be near him so much, but he
could no more stop the feeling than he could stop breathing.  And he
would take what he could get, no matter how little it was.

"Sure," Harry said, wondering again if he should ask The Doctor to
check him for masochistic tendencies.

---

Several hours later, Harry was putting the finishing touches to a
replicated meal that few Earth restaurants could better, and just as
he was taking the last item out of the replicator, his doorchime rang.

"Enter," he called, and almost dropped the plate when Tom was framed
in the open doorway.  Dressed in a blue silk shirt and black
trousers so tight they seemed to be painted on, he was unutterably
beautiful, and only months of practice kept Harry from laying himself
at Tom's feet, begging to be taken.

"What's for dinner?" Tom asked, casually.

Harry reeled off the short list of Tom's favourite foods, starting
with tomato soup, continuing with pizza with Kildavian olives, and
finishing with chocolate mousse.  Tom smiled and sat down, as Harry
asked him to.

As they ate, Tom told stories of his time at the Academy.  He had
entered early, due to his father's insistence, and had thought for a
long time about nothing but flying.  Harry thought that there had been
one other thing Tom had thought about, and sure enough, there were
many references to female cadets, including a Trill named Jadzia
who sounded very interesting to Harry.  He thought that he would
have liked to spend time with her himself.  As Tom talked of the
carefree days of his youth, marred only by a flying accident, Harry
thought that he could happily stay like this all night, but he had
something that he had to do.

"Tom, much as I like talking with you, you did say you wanted me to
teach you to dance enough to take Kes dancing later, didn't you?"

"Yes, Harry.  How do we start?" Tom asked, hesitantly.

Harry smiled, it was so rare that Tom wasn't confident, even cocky,
and he liked this Tom almost better than the other one, the Tom he'd
fallen in love with.

He beckoned Tom over to stand in front of the couch, where he'd
cleared some space.

"Like this," he said, placing one hand on Tom's shoulder, and the
other around Tom's slim waist.  He felt heat under his hands, and
reminded himself to breathe.

"Okay, Tom, I'll teach you to lead.  Computer, access database
K-GB, and play The Dance."

The music began, and Harry indicated where Tom should move his
feet, noticing that Tom fell instinctively into a rhythm.

"You have a good sense of the music," Harry said.

"I like music, I've just never had the chance to learn too much about
it.  I *feel* music when I hear it, though, I don't just listen to
it."

"You probably have some kind of natural talent.  Did your mother or
any of your relatives have any musical talent?"

"One of my sisters sings.  Not professionally, though."

"You and she probably inherited the same talent.  You'd probably
have a good voice, Tom."

Tom blushed, and said, "I don't think so, Harry.  Not in this life."

Harry stopped talking, and just enjoyed the feeling of swaying with
Tom in his arms for a little longer, until the song finished.

"Think you have the basics down, Tom?"

"Yes, thank you, Harry.  What's the time?" he asked.

"Computer, time?"

"2055 hours," replied the system.

"I have to get out of here, Harry.  Thanks for dinner, and the
lesson."

"You're welcome, Tom."  More welcome than he knew, thought
Harry, for now he had something new to remember and fantasise
about, as futile as that might be.

Tom left, and Harry cleared up, thinking that he would really have to
do something about these feelings for Tom.   He would either have
to tell Tom how he felt, and chance losing his friendship, or never
tell him, and suffer through his courtship, or *whatever* he ended up
doing with Kes, not to mention what he did with any other available
females on the ship.

"I'm going to tell him," Harry said, aloud.  "It's all I can do.  I
can't stand the other alternative, not for long, and it'll be better
if I just tell him, rather than blurt it out one day."

"Computer, play music file KOMO," he ordered.

The music began, and Harry took the cue of the lead singer:


And now I'm all alone again
nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now that night is near
I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
and I can live inside my head

On my own pretending he's beside me
All alone I walk with him till morning without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
that I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
still I say, there's a way for us

I love him but when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers

I love him but every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
that I have never known....

I love him I love him I love him but only on my own


Harry remembered the holodeck programs that he'd worked on,
planning to show Tom where he might take him when they went back
to Earth, the rain, the river, the path to walk on...he'd even
considered making a holographic Tom to enjoy the program with, but
he knew that there were very strict unwritten regulations about using
holograms of Starfleet personnel for *anything* other than battle
simulations, and had resigned himself to enjoying the programs on
his own, just feeling how much he would like to enjoy this time with
the man he loved, and regretting that it would never be.  He was
under no illusions that Tom would fall into his arms after he told him
how he felt, and just prayed that they'd be able to go on with their
friendship, that this wouldn't damage it irreparably, although he
didn't think that it would ever be the same again.

Harry was about to move into his bathroom to take a shower when
his doorchime sounded.  He realised that he'd been sitting thinking,
then singing for over an hour, and it was 2230 hours. "Enter," he
called, wondering who it was at this time of the 'night'.  

"Harry, I'm sorry to disturb you so late," Tom said as the door
opened.

"Tom?  I thought you'd still be with Kes."

"No, I don't think that I'm what she's looking for, after Neelix, or
that she's really what I'm looking for," Tom replied.

"What is it, Tom?"

"I found out some things about Kes tonight that I didn't expect to.  
Did you know that she and Neelix were never lovers?  Oh, they did
love each other, but they never actually...."

"Really?" Harry asked, curious.

"I probably shouldn't be discussing this with you, Harry.  Sorry, I
should have thought before telling you that.  Don't repeat it, okay?"

"Okay," Harry said, wondering what was going on.

"You see, I know how kind and compassionate Kes is, hell, you do
too, right?"

"Right," Harry agreed absently, wondering if that blonde hair really
was as soft as it looked.

"Well, there's something about me that you don't know, either, and I
thought that if Kes and Neelix had been lovers, she could help me
with it."

"What is it, Tom?"

"I've never been with anyone... sexually."

Harry couldn't reply.  That was the *last* thing he'd have ever
expected Tom to say.

"And I thought, if Kes had been with Neelix, well, we both know how
kind and compassionate she is, I thought that she and I might..."

"But Tom...all the women you flirt with..."

"I've always flirted.  It's a lot of fun. I've just never followed
through. I haven't met anyone who I really *wanted* to be with, man
or woman, and I just never thought of doing anything about it.  I
thought that if Kes had had one lover, she'd be experienced enough to
get us over the hurdles, but when she confided that she and Neelix had
never...well, I had to get out of there.  I hope the excuse I made was
plausible."

"I'm sure it was," Harry said, still shocked, "Tom, has there *never*
been anyone you've wanted to be with?"

"No.  Not someone that I've really loved.  I always thought that I'd
find someone I really loved to be my first lover.  I'm not naive
enough to expect them to be my only lover, or for me to be their
first, in fact, I don't want to be their first lover, I want them to
have enough experience to, as I said, get us over the awkward stages."

"Tom, why do you want this to happen now?"

"Well, I'm starting to realise, we are going to be out here for a
while, probably the rest of our lives, so I'll have to find someone on
the ship to settle down with.  Probably Megan or Jenny Delaney, I
think that Sue Nicolletti has definitely decided that she wants
nothing to do with me."

"Silly woman," Harry thought.

Aloud he said, "So, you're looking for someone to...be your first
lover.  What *about* Megan or Jenny?"

"No, I don't think so.  I don't have the feelings for them that I want
to feel for the first person I make love to.  I want to care for them,
even if I don't love them."

"What about me, Tom?"

"What about you, Harry?"

"What about me as your first lover?  We could..."

"I don't know, Harry.  I always thought that it'd be a woman first.
Have *you* ever..."

"A few times," Harry smiled, "And Tom, I do care for you.  More than
you know.  I love you."

"I love you too, Harry," Tom said.

"No, I'm *in love* with you, Tom.  I know, you don't love me that way,
but I know that you do care for me.  Is it enough?"

"Harry...I don't know that I *don't* love you that way.  I've never
even considered it.  I do know that I care for you more than *anyone*
on this ship."

Harry thought about that for a moment. Was it even in the realm of
possibility? *Could* Tom love him the way he loved Tom?

"Tom, I don't know your feelings, only you do, but I think that maybe
there is a chance for us.  Would you...we could..."

"What, Harry?"

"We could...make love.  I want to, so much. And maybe after that,
you'll know how you feel."

"I want to.  Even if...I don't fall in love with you, I do love you,
and I would love for you to be my first lover."

"If I have anything to say about it, I'll be your last as well," Harry
thought.

"How do we start?" Tom asked.

"Like this," Harry said, moving over to Tom, pulling him into his
arms.

Tom automatically wrapped his arms around Harry.

"This I've done before," he grinned.

"I would hope so.  But I'm sure that you haven't done this," and Harry
claimed his mouth in a deep, passionate kiss.

Tom opened his mouth in response to the gentle probing of Harry's
tongue, and Harry tasted the sweetness of Tom for the first time.  It
was better than he had ever dreamed or fantasised, and he almost
laughed for the sheer joy of feeling that swept over him. Tom's arms
tightened around him, deepening the kiss, and Harry gasped as Tom
brushed a tentative, questioning hand over his growing erection.

"Yes," Harry gasped, as Tom grasped him and started moving on his
erection through his clothes, "Let's move into the bedroom," he said,
huskily.

"Good idea," Tom grinned, and Harry was determined that that grin
would be replaced by a look of utter sensual satiation before the
night was over.

Leading Tom into the bedroom, he stopped at the replicator for
lubricant.  Tom looked a bit apprehensive at that, and Harry
reassured him with a kiss.

"If you don't want to...you could always...take the lead.  Let's just
see how it goes, okay, love?"

"Okay," Tom said, still looking apprehensive.

Harry slipped Tom's clothes off him, kissing every new area of skin
as it was revealed to his heated gaze in the dim light of the bedroom.
He wanted to increase the illumination so he could see Tom better,
but knew that Tom would prefer the dimmer light, the first time. Harry
removed his own clothes, then moved back into Tom's arms, gasping at
the shock of skin on skin as they collided.

"You're so beautiful, Tom," Harry whispered, running a hand through
Tom's hair, which was, a part of his mind noticed, as soft as it
looked.

"So are you Harry.  Oh, I like *that*," he whispered, as Harry began
tonguing his nipples gently.  Harry moved over Tom's chest, the light
dusting of hair tickling him. Tom's stomach muscles clenched in
pleasure as Harry's questing tongue moved over them, then lower
down to take his erection into his mouth.

"Gods, *yes*," Tom shouted as Harry licked and sucked at his
heated flesh, driving  him insane with need.  Harry moved one hand
over Tom's hip, searching for the entrance to his body, finding the
puckered opening, moving a finger in gently, Tom's body protesting
the invasion at first, then the muscle relaxing, and letting him move
his finger into Tom.  He added a second, moving forward into Tom,
and finding the small gland, which caused Tom to buck his hips
forward.  Harry smiled around Tom, and added a third finger, Tom
seemed to open for him easily, and he liked that.

Tom was lost in sensual bliss, only the feel of Harry on him was
keeping him grounded in any way, and then he was coming,
screaming and shaking with the intense pleasure.  Then everything
went black....

"Tom, are you okay?"

"I think so," he smiled, "Wow."

"You liked it?"

"Harry, it was...I've never felt anything like that before.  It's...I
don't know how to describe it," and, looking at Harry, he felt
something else that he'd never felt before, but he knew what it was.

"Harry...I know how I feel."

"You do?" Harry looked apprehensive.

"I love you.  I'm *in love* with you.  I don't know if it's
forever..."

"It's forever, Tom, or as long as we're granted.  For me, anyway."

"For me, too.  Harry, I want to...touch you.  I don't want to...not
yet."

"Whatever you want, Tom.  Anything for you."

Tom smiled, and kissed Harry's lips, tasting himself.  He moved to
kiss Harry's neck, gently, then more firmly.  He moved lower, taking a
nipple into his mouth, then the other.  While he was kissing Harry's
chest, he moved a hand down to close it around Harry's straining
erection.

"Yes, Tom, like that," Harry gasped, as Tom moved his fingers
creatively over him, "This must be what he likes," a small, rational
part of his mind said, before it too was taken over by the sensations.
Then, as Tom's fingers moved relentlessly over him, he was unable
to prevent the sensations from overwhelming him completely, and
came into Tom's hand with a soft cry of pleasure.

"Tom, that was...I love you."

"I love you, too," Tom smiled, pulling Harry into his arms.

They really should shower, Harry thought, but he was too tired to
protest, and soon, both men were asleep, so closely entwined that
no one would ever separate them.

---

The End