The BLTS Archive- Missed Opportunities by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. The Greatest Man I Never Knew, written by , sung by Reba McEntire This song really intrigued me when I first heard it, and I just had to put it into a story. I'm also writing this from Harry's POV, I hope it sounds like him. I'd really like feedback on this. I was inspired for a couple of things in this story by other writers. Siubhan's In Retrospect was the general inspiration, and Amirin's Ours is also responsible for one part. And I had another inspiration, which I don't wish to share publicly. Distribution: PKSP, BLTS, ASCEM. Okay for PKSP, R'Rain and ASC to archive. "There's nothing sadder than a missed opportunity," Kes, Lifesigns. Dedicated to the person who inspired this story. I love you and miss you, and I wish you could see it. Anniversaries are always difficult. Four years, and it hasn't gotten any easier. --- The greatest man I never knew... Lived just down the hall... And everyday we said hello... But never touched at all... --- Gods, I can't believe it's been almost a year now. Almost a year since the day Tom left us. Why am I using euphemisms? The day Tom died. The day I lost everything I wanted in this life. I had no idea how he felt about me. I wish I had. --- He was in his paper... I was in my room... How was I to know he thought I hung the moon... --- He didn't die flying. If anyone had ever asked me how I thought Tom Paris would die, I would have said in a shuttle crash, maybe in some alien attack, or maybe even in the early days of our journey, I might have even been unsurprised if he'd taken his own life. But he simply had bad luck. On an away mission, he was bitten by some native animal, and it turned out that its saliva was deadly to humans. I didn't even have anyone to blame for his death, the animal wasn't sentient, so it couldn't even be blamed for biting Tom, it was just protecting it's territory. It was so difficult, to stand by him, writhing in agony, sweating and delirious, waiting for the beam-up to Sickbay, which was too late. But it was too late the moment the bite happened, I found out later. --- The greatest man I never knew... Came home late every night... He never had too much to say... Too much was on his mind... I never really knew him... And now it seems so sad... Everything he gave to us took all he had... --- You know, I never realised what Tom really did for this ship, until he wasn't here to do it. He laughed with me and Neelix, flirted with Captain Janeway, Sam Wildman and B'Elanna, had formed a tentative friendship with Chakotay, even earned the respect of Tuvok. Believe me, that's high praise from a Vulcan. It's almost an admission of emotion. And his flying....what can I say about that? I never loved him more than when he was flying, although there might have been another time that I would have loved him more, but that wasn't meant to be. I remember our first meeting, on Deep Space Nine. Gods, he was so *beautiful*, I just looked at him, barely listening to him argue with the Ferengi bartender who'd tried to con me. I didn't care. I'd have given every credit or strip of latinum I possessed to see more of him, and when I realised he was part of Voyager's crew... That's when I fell in love with him, and I haven't ever regretted it. Not even knowing what I know now, I don't regret falling in love with Tom. How could I regret destiny? What about Libby? Well, we had an open relationship. But we'd made a pledge, if we chose to take another lover, while away from each other, it would be someone of the same sex. We'd both known that we were attracted to both sexes, in fact, I'd been seeing a fellow cadet when we'd met at the Academy, and she'd been in a semi-serious relationship with a blonde Bajoran cadet. That had actually been how we'd met. Both of our lovers had been in Nova Squadron, and part of a scandal that had rocked my sophomore year. We'd bonded over waiting for the verdict, and when we'd found ourselves ever so politely dumped, we'd turned to each other. Then, to both our shocks, we'd fallen in love with each other. We'd decided, that as I was going into Starfleet, there'd be times we were tempted by others, and that if we were going to do anything about it, we'd prefer for it to be with a lover of the same sex. I didn't want any other woman, and I know she felt the same way about men, but we'd often talked about our attraction to our own sex, considering the circumstances we'd met under, and had mutually decided that if we met someone we wanted, we could enjoy the relationship without guilt over each other. We never really got to find out how it would turn out. I wonder if she's found someone else now? I really hope so. I'd hate to think of her spending all this time alone. Like I am, like I feel I will forever, at least for now. I couldn't think of being with anyone else yet. B'Elanna has shown some interest, but I'm not attracted to her in the least. Part of me wishes I were, it might be an indication that I'm starting to put my feelings for Tom behind me, unless I'm just not attracted to her at all. I don't think I'll know that until I can think of my feelings for Tom without sadness. I know I'll never forget them, and I know I'll have to tell anyone I get involved with that, maybe that's why. Although I know I'm just not ready yet, I have to fully mourn Tom, and I know I haven't done that yet. --- Then the days turned into years... And the memories to black and white... He grew cold like an old winter wind... Blowing across my life... --- Sometimes it shocks me, that I can't remember exactly how he said something, or the way he laughed. So I go to the holodeck, and call up a program, to remember. But it's not the same, it could never be the same. That's why I haven't had sex with a hologram of Tom. If I thought it could be the same, I would. Forget the regulations, forget being caught, if I thought it would feel like it would have with him, I would do it. No question. But I know damn well it wouldn't. A hologram woudn't have that essence that was Tom, and I don't want to have sex with a hollow shell of the man I love. I have more pride than that. --- The greatest words I never heard... I guess I'll never hear... The man I thought would never die... S'been dead almost a year... --- I never got to say the words to him. I never got the courage up to say how I felt about him. Our friendship was almost enough. It was the most special relationship I've ever had with anyone. I'll never have another friend like Tom, and that is special. But knowing...*knowing* it could have been more...that hurts. That hurts in a way I'll never get over. --- He was good at business... But there was business left to do... He never said he loved me... Guess he thought I knew... --- Tom left a holographic program. It's standard Starfleet procedure, of course, but I often wondered if he had one. I didn't ask, because I didn't want to pressure him into making one if he didn't have one. He said wonderful, emotional things to Captain Janeway, B'Elanna, Neelix, Seven, Tuvok, even Chakotay. Then he politely asked everyone to leave me alone with the program, asking Captain Janeway to come back in half an hour. Always thinking of me, making sure I'd have help when I needed it. Then... "Well, Harry, if you're seeing this, I'm dead. I could use euphemisms, but you know, and I know that you know. And if I'm dead, and I haven't had the chance to tell you this, I want you to know. I know that if I do tell you, I'll modify the program, so if you're seeing this, I never got the chance to say this to you in life. Maybe I'm being selfish, letting you know now, but I can't stand the thought of you never knowing, even if we can't do anything about it. I love you, Harry. Not as a friend, although I do love you that way. I'm in love with you. I wanted to tell you, so many times, especially after Akritiria, and after the incident with the Taresians, but I never quite got the courage up to do it. I'm sorry, but you know me. Avoid messy, emotional scenes at all costs. Or at least that's what I say. Maybe I'm just too afraid to let you know, in case you don't feel that way about me. I have wondered...but I've never been sure enough to tell you. If you do feel that way, I'm sorry, I wish I'd told you. And if you don't, just remember that I loved you as a friend, and as a lover. Please don't hate me for loving you, althought I don't think you could." I'd never hate Tom for loving me. Even if I hadn't loved him, I would never have hated him for loving me. And knowing that he loved me...all I can do is regret that we weren't ever together. But we weren't, and I have to accept that, and move on with my life. But how can I do that when half of my soul is gone? --- The End --- Notes: The cadets in Nova Squadron that Harry and Libby were involved with were,