The BLTS Archive- Friends And Lovers: And I Forgot... by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. I Love You belongs to Sarah MacLachlan. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the PKSP archive, the VSPS archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Others *must* ask. Please do not link to the story without my permission. FEEDBACK: Yes, please! Good, bad, tell me if you *really* think it sucked (but be gentle), but please, if you're posting it on ASCEM, cc a copy to my email, as I don't have ng access at this time, and I won't see it if you don't. And I thought this was going to be only three stories. Well, never say never. This story is the chronological third in a series, the Friends And Lovers series. Please do not read this story without reading Your Heart's Not In It and Take A Look At Me Now first. NOTE: The first line in this story was lifted directly from the movie Four Weddings And A Funeral's opening scene. If you know the movie, you'll know what I mean, if you don't, language warning. And the movie wasn't even *cut* for television... I always wanted to write a story that opened like this, and I just thought this situation fitted. DEDICATION: For everyone who sent comments on the first story. This one *really* wouldn't be getting written without them! --- Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. Well...I think I've finally, really done it. Not that I had much choice...but still. Damn Seska! I can't blame the Captain, so I'll blame her. Just about what that bitch deserves anyway. Takes away any chance Chakotay had of finding some happiness, then takes away *my* chances with Harry. Anyone would think that she knew. Oh, I know damn well that she doesn't like me. Never did. Never could figure out why...not until I heard her arguing with Chakotay, back in the Maquis. She actually thought that all the fighting Chakotay and I did was because I was *interested* in him! Well...maybe...just a little...*before* I met and fell head over heels for Harry. But I honestly think the fighting was too much to ever get past, and once I met Harry...that was *it*. Pity I never actually got to tell him that. --- I have a smile... stretched from ear to ear... to see you walking down the road... --- I will always...however long that actually turns out to be...I've an awful feeling it's not gonna be too long...remember the simple times with Harry. I remember him walking down the street on the planet we stopped at on our last shore leave...I had to hide the smile on my face...he would have known in a second. I've had more than enough practice at keeping my feelings to myself these past couple of years. Never thought it would be training for a spy mission. Still...at least I won't have to hurt Harry too much. That sounds odd...hell, everything about this thing *is* odd. But I think, eventually, it will hurt him less to just think that I didn't care than it would be to let him know that I did and got killed anyway. I wish I could tell him that's why I did what I did three weeks ago. --- we meet at the lights... I stare for a while... the world around us disappears... --- I can't forget all those nights in Sandrine's. I don't want to, but they're such a constant presence in my memory. Especially the last one. I don't think I'll ever forget that night. Harry all but asked me to make love with him, and I couldn't say yes. That's the second time...and it hurts more. I didn't want to...gods, I came *so* close to taking him in my arms. Maybe I should have. No...that would have hurt more. I *know* it would have. Then again...I can't imagine it hurting any more than it does right now. Just *once* I'd have liked to know what it was like to hold you, to make the world around us disappear. Just once... --- it's just you and me... on my island of hope... a breath between us could be miles... --- I hoped for so long...and was even thinking that the time just *might* be right to ask you to consider a life with me, Harry. I'd even made plans for us to meet after my meeting with the Captain. Not that you had any idea what it was about. I came so close to kissing you when I saw you before... There was only a breath between us as I leaned over you. It might as well have been a million miles. --- let me surround you... my sea to your shore... let me be the calm you seek... --- I would love to be in you and around you...to surround you completely, Harry. To be the calm you came home to after a hard day in Engineering, or a difficult day at Ops. I want to hold you and love you Harry. And I can't. I won't ever get the chance now. oh and every time I'm close to you... there's too much I can't say... and you just walk away... You know, the first impulse I had when I saw you after that meeting was to tell you all about it. But I couldn't. I was under orders. There was too much that I couldn't say. And then...oh, gods, Harry, you were so beautiful, so vulnerable, when you offered yourself to me. Oh, not in so many words, but it was obvious what you were saying. So I did something that I will regret for the rest of my short, miserable life. I accused you of using me to forget home. I said that it was like the last time. The look of hurt in your eyes almost made me break down and apologise, tell you the truth. But then you walked out, so furious that I doubt you heard me start to cry. --- and I forgot... to tell you... I love you... and the night's... too long... and cold here... without you... I grieve in my condition... for I cannot find the words to say I need you so... --- And I know you didn't hear me say that I love you. Gods, the last three weeks have been so painful. I took a lot of it out on Chakotay, undeservedly. It was just so damn easy to fall back into the old patterns with him. A part of me wishes I could tell him...tell both of you the truth. No one will ever know the truth if I don't get back. That was something I insisted on. Captain Janeway wanted me to be given a hero's memorial service if the worst happened, but I asked her not to. Of course I'll never know if she did or didn't, but somehow I think she'll honour my request. I wish I could have held you just once Harry. I wish I could have said the words, told you that I loved you. But I could never find the words. And it's too late, anyway. --- oh and every time I'm close to you... there's too much I can't say... and you just walk away... --- Well, at least Neelix and Kes came to see me off. Gods it felt good to hold Kes for that moment. To hold anyone, but Kes felt good. Maybe if it hadn't been for you or Neelix...but there is you and Neelix. Oh, gods. Okay, I can do this. Shake your hand, tell you goodbye. The last time I'll ever touch you. Yeah, I can handle that. Oh, gods, you're hugging me. More than I ever dreamed possible now. You'll never know how much that means to me. I can't speak. You whisper "Goodbye Tom," to me, and before I can step onto the transporter pad, you are out the door. My last sight of you, walking away. The tears prick my eyes, but there's no sign of them in my voice as I give Miguel Ayala the order to energise. The room sparkles and fades, and the new ship forms around me. I step forward into my new false life. --- The End