The BLTS Archive- Friends And Lovers: Your Heart's Not In It by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Your Heart's Not In It is sung by Janie Fricke. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the PKSP story archive, and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, PKSP, ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. This story takes place during Voyager's first season, sometime after Ex Post Facto. Please do not read this story if m/m relationships are not to your liking. There is no sex, but there are very heavy intimations of m/m situations. --- "No." The word hangs in the air between us like something tangible. How often do you hear someone turning down a chance to be with the person they love more than anything in this universe? But I had to do it. Yes, I'm in love with Harry, in love like I've never been with anyone, but tonight, when he asked me to make love to him, I turned him down. As gently as I could, of course, but it was still a rejection. It hurt to reject him, especially now, but I know that it would hurt us even more in the end if I'd agreed. --- I've never wanted anyone... As much as I want you tonight... It would feel so good to feel your touch... And to let you hold me tight... If it was only right... --- Gods, why was it tonight that he chose to ask this of me? Well, of course I know, this was the date he and Libby had set for their wedding, and he was feeling vulnerable and lonely. And he wanted *me* to drive the loneliness away. I know, though, that you *can't* rely on someone else to drive the loneliness away, I learned that with Lidell. He'll never know how difficult it was for me to say no, though. I've *dreamed* of his asking me to make love with him more nights than I can count, and if he'd used those words, I might not have had the strength to resist. But he didn't. He said, "Take the hurt away, Tom." I wish I could. I wish I could take him into my arms, kiss him, make love to him and be with him forever, but if that's going to happen, it's not going to be tonight. --- But your heart's not in it... And I can't take your body if your heart's not in it... There's an old love on your mind That you just can't forget... At least you haven't yet... No your heart's not in it... And I won't gamble on your love if I can't win it... And I can't win it if your heart's not in it... --- It wasn't *me* he wanted, though. If he'd wanted me, even a little bit, I wouldn't have been able to resist. But it's Libby he really wants tonight. I can't even resent her, she's got to be suffering now too, and if I could bring them together, I probably would, just to stop Harry hurting. But I don't want to make love to Harry just to stop him from hurting. If I ever make love to Harry, it will be for one reason, and one reason only. He will want me, and only me in that moment. Because what we could have is too precious to gamble away on loneliness and hurt. I don't think there's been a moment since I met him that I *haven't* wanted him. At first, I thought it was just gratitude and friendship, because he's one of the few people on this ship who's never treated me as less than human, but I soon realised that it was more, at least for me. I don't know yet if it's more for Harry, or if he's too busy hurting and missing Libby to know *what* he's feeling for me. I hope that it's more, but I can't take that chance yet. --- I wish I thought that you'd be loving me... If I gave my love to you... I'd close my eyes and I'd set my feelings free... If you only loved me too... I wish you loved me too... --- If he'd said that he loved me, I wouldn't have hesitated for a second. Even though I know he's missing her, if he'd said the words I'd have known that he is ready to move on. But he couldn't say them, so I knew that I wasn't his first choice, and that if we made love, it wouldn't be me he was loving. I'd give my love to him in a moment if it was what he needed, but he needs my friendship now. That's why I'm making some preparations. A bottle of real whiskey, not synthehol. Yeah, I know, alcohol isn't a solution to anything, but sometimes it's the only thing that's worth moving for. Lots of tissues, because I know he's going to cry more. And replicator rations, for comfort food. I don't know yet what his equivalent of tomato soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is, but I've got more than enough to replicate oceans of whatever he wants. Unless the only thing he wants me for is to forget her... --- But your heart's not in it... And I can't take your body if your heart's not in it... There's an old love on your mind That you just can't forget... At least you haven't yet... No your heart's not in it... And I won't gamble on your love if I can't win it... And I can't win it if your heart's not in it... --- If I thought it could still be right if we were together tonight, I'd do it. I'd let him hide from the loneliness and unhappiness in my love, but I can't. I know what it's like to be the one wanting the comfort, and what it can do to the other person if it's not real between you. Gods, I will never do to another person what I did to Julian after Susie dumped me. It took two *years* for us to be able to talk to each other again, and we knew that we could never make a relationship work between us. If we hadn't jumped into bed, maybe it could have worked, at least for a while. We'll never know... And I am not going to be responsible for making Harry feel the way I did, because it'll be even more difficult to cope with in such close quarters than it was at the Academy. Gods, Harry, I wish your heart was in what you said to me earlier... No your heart's not in it... This is the only way it can be. I'm going to help Harry get through this as his friend, and maybe, after he's had time to adjust to his loss, we'll be able to be together like we were meant to be. --- The End