The BLTS Archive- Losing by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the PKSP story archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, PKSP, CPSG and ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. This story is a lot different for me. It's a P/K story told from Chakotay's point of view. It also assumes a prior relationship between Tom and Chakotay, and there is a twist to the ending. However, that is all I am prepared to say at this point, as I don't want to spoil the ending. M/m sexual relations, nothing graphic. --- Sandrine's. Spirits, is it always Sandrine's you bring your lovers to on your first date? Or are Harry and I unique in that respect? Oh, I'll never actually ask you that, though I wish I could find out. Then again, I wish a lot of things. I wish that we hadn't wasted as much time as we did. I wish I'd told you before how much I loved you. We did have six months though. Six wonderful months. I still think that I can feel your skin under my hands, so warm. Or your tongue, tracing my tattoo, or your mouth, engulfing me, your tongue driving me to the edge of ecstacy and beyond. Then I reach for you...and I find that it's not real. Again. Damn, I wish I could just reach out for you again, hold you once more, kiss you, make love to you....damn. You're in a darkened corner with Harry, and I notice Kathryn looking at you both. I see the smile of approval, and I know she's glad that you've started to go out again. After we ended, I think she wondered if you ever would again. I know I did. I wish I could be completely happy that you were, but I still feel so damned jealous. Yes, of Harry. How many times did we nearly get into a serious fight over him? I always maintained that your feelings went deeper than either of you realised, and depending on your mood, you'd either kiss me and tell me I was being an idiot, or we'd argue about it. Spirits, I wish...I wish I'd known that we only had the time we had, and I would never have wasted all that time we could have spent just being together. Someone's started the music program, and B'Elanna and Jerron are on the floor already. Ken Dalby's asked Kathryn, and Miguel Ayala's asking Tuvok...you know I always thought that he took his betrayal harder than he should have...was this starting back on my ship? I wish I could ask you, you always seem to have a knack for figuring out budding relationships...except your own. Harry leans across to whisper something into your ear, and you laugh. Oh, spirits, I love your laughter. Even now. You stand up, pulling Harry along, as if it was your idea. Spirits, I remember when you and I used to do that. I'd ask you to do something, and almost before I'd finished the idea, you were up and ready. Of course Harry asked you to dance...you move so beautifully....so graceful, like everything you do.... I remember when we danced for the first time...you fit so perfectly into my arms, it was like we'd been made to fit together...I don't think we danced nearly often enough.... I don't recognise the music, did you change it after we ended? Something else I'll never be able to ask you... You and Harry seem to fit together perfectly too...part of me wishes that you didn't fit so well. Part of me is glad you've been able to move on, even though I haven't been able to yet. The song is ending, and the group on the floor is dispersing...going back to their quarters alone or together...you and Harry are together, of course. You walk right past me and of course you don't acknowledge me. How can you when I can't acknowledge you. But I feel your heat...yours and Harry's...as you pass me. Oh, Spirits, I wish I could follow you. See what you do. Hear your moans as Harry enters your body, and your screams when you climax...I always loved those screams.... But I can't leave here. I just can't. I hear a footstep. James Hawk. "Well?" he asks. "They're together..." "You know what this means." And I do. I can go on with my afterlife now that I know Tom is going on with Harry. And I can go on with James. If he's right for me. After all, we'll be together a long time if it works out. --- The End --- I know, I should have warned you! But I don't think that he *is* dead, so I didn't.