The BLTS Archive- Heart Hush by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Heart Hush is written by Brett Jones and sung by Reba McEntire on her album If You See Him. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, CPSG, ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. One of my favourite scenes in Trek is the scene in Caretaker where Tom and Chakotay see each other again for the first time. I loved it for the great chemistry between the actors before I ever thought of it as being more than dislike (I never saw it as hatred) and anger. And then of course there is the equally wonderful scene where Tom saves Chakotay's life. The dichotomy of those scenes is breathtaking. I've always wanted to write a version of those scenes in which we *see* what the characters were thinking. This is one version of Tom's thoughts during this time. Warning: This story is a slash story. That means that it contains sex between two men. Do not read it if you shouldn't be. You know whether you're supposed to be here or not. Please, feedback on the sex scene in particular? It's only the second I've done in first person! --- Oh, gods, I did *not* need this right now. We're somehow or other halfway across the galaxy, I finally have someone in my life who cares more than a yeoman's curse about me, he's missing, and now there's *Chakotay*. Better slip the mask into place. Wouldn't do to let him know how I *really* feel right now, would it? --- His head turned and my heart jumped... When I saw that it was him... After two long years the love of my life... And I just held my breath in... Standing there staring... With his eyes locked on mine... He couldn't hear me screaming on the inside... --- Two years...gods, it seems like yesterday. Two years since he kissed me. Two years since he held me. Two years since he thought I betrayed him. He's talking to Captain Janeway. Something about the Vulcan being a spy. That's gotta hurt. Chakotay wouldn't like being made a fool of. He hides it well, though. Like any emotion. He's *real* good at hiding those. He's talking to me. Help? Kind of. I don't know if I could have ever lead them to him if whatever this was hadn't happened. Good to see you, yes, strangely it is. Keep up the charade, though. Don't let you see that you're getting to me. Can't do that. Betrayed you? I never did and I never will. I couldn't. You know why. I told you...once. My price? You want to know what my price was? I don't have one. No one in the universe could pay me enough to help betray you. Don't do it, Tom.. Don't say it out loud. If you do that, you might say something you'll regret. Or do something you'll regret, like falling at Chakotay's feet. Janeway's brave. I can't imagine anyone standing up to him like that and not getting punched out. Except maybe Torres and me...once. I don't hold much hope out for not being punched out now even with Janeway's help. Gods, I just want to...no! I can't. Besides, aside from the fact that the last thing Chakotay wants is my climbing all over him, it would be really unprofessional. Hell, I guess *something* the Admiral said rubbed off after all. Who knew it'd take *this* long? And of course I'm thinking about this to avoid thinking of just *how* little thawing it would take for me to go over there and... --- When I said... Tear don't you fall... He's gone, let him go... Eyes don't look back... Down that empty road... And lips you may move... But don't you say too much... Oh, and please, please heart hush... --- Gods, the Vulcan is so...Vulcan. Maybe if I can keep him talking... We weren't *all* released unharmed. Gods, I keep wondering how Harry's doing. Poor guy, he seemed to really care for the girl back home. I have to go with them. I want to help Harry...and maybe make Chakotay realise that I'm not *all* bad...except when he likes me to be, of course. Nothing to do with what Chakotay said at all. Absolutely nothing. Except that I want him to see *me* again, not the betrayal. And I *would* hate for anything to happen to Harry. That's just not my main motivation. --- I said something stupid... And reached out my hand... After making love and moving earth... We were shaking hands... --- Oh, gods, I almost lost him. I would have jumped down myself after him if he hadn't made it. If *we* hadn't made it. After not being able to transport out, we had to make our way through those tunnels. And the stairway was obviously built by a blind Horta with inferior materials... We'd gotten Harry and Torres out of there, and Neelix and I were going after the Captain, Tuvok and Chakotay. Chakotay was hurt. Badly. I wouldn't let him stay there. The self-sacrificing idiot was prepared to *die*. I wasn't about to let him do that. No way. I needed him too much. Selfish? You bet. I am *not* letting what we had go without a fight. So I started making stupid remarks about his life belonging to me, and how he should be able to turn into a bird. And that he'd rather die than let me be the one to rescue him. Although I think a part of him would. Damn, that metal crunching was loud when the stairwell collapsed after we barely made it off it. Gods, then to *fly* Voyager. That was almost *perfect*. It would have been if it were under any other circumstances. But I couldn't forget that the only reason I was at the helm was because Stadi had died. Then the array was destroyed, so we're stuck here. For seventy years or more on this ship. Unless we somehow find a faster way back. It's possible, I guess, but I'm not betting my life on it. One good thing, though. Janeway's given me a commission. I'm a Lieutenant Junior Grade. And I'm assigned to conn permanently. Gods, the feeling of true freedom. Freedom to fly. Although I don't know how I feel about the Maquis being here. They don't like me. Can't say I blame them, from their perspective, but I don't want to be looking over my shoulder constantly either. But apparently Chakotay takes that life debt seriously. I always said he belonged on a starship. But I can't quite picture him as a Captain. First Officer suits him. It's destiny, I think, in a strange way. Janeway's speech about Starfleet was great. I still don't know how it's going to go, though. Guess it'll play itself out however it's meant to. Like this thing with Chakotay will. Although it's anyone's guess how it'll all end. Who can that be? Chakotay? Shaking my hand. Gods, so many memories of these hands... --- A million sweet memories... Pin-balled through my brain... The want to hold him one more time... Ran through my veins... -- I remember the first time he kissed me, the first time he held me, the first time we made love...all of it keeps going through my mind. He's talking, thanking me for saving his life. I make some response. Gods, the wanting is almost unbearable. I'll have to make an excuse. I know, I'll check the chronometer, pretend I'm meeting Harry. --- I kept checking my watch... Like I had somewhere to be... Then he stopped talking... And kissed me tenderly... --- Yeah, that's what I'll do. Tell him I've got to go to the holodeck. That's odd, he's stopped talking. Oh. He's taken me into his arms. Oh. Now he's leaning close. Oh. Now he's covering my lips with his. The kiss was sweet and hot. It was like the first time, all over again. Now he's talking again. He wants to start over. My rescuing him, saving his life, and everything else has made him realise that I do have a good side. I'm mildly insulted at his phrasing, but I won't quibble. Not over this. He wants to know if I'd be willing to try again. Hell yes. Oh, he likes that. He's chuckling, that warm, rich laugh that I heard too rarely. And now he's kissing me again. He picked me up like I weigh less than a feather, and he's carrying me to the bedroom. Wow. I never knew it was possible to remove the uniforms *that* quickly. Oooohhhh yessss. He's licking and suckling at me, as if I'm some kind of exotic fruit. He's tasting me as if it's been a long time. Oh, wait a minute, it has. Sparks are flying from my nipples to my groin under the movements of his hot tongue. And now he's moving over my skin, now licking, now blowing, and so *hot*. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! His mouth on me, oh, gods, oh gods, I'm not gonna last much longer. His tongue, moving on the shaft and the head...yeah, do that again, oh, goooodddddddddddsssssssssssssssssssss! Mmmmmmmmmm. Yeah, that felt indescribable. He's still hard as a rock, though. I caress him, and he groans, thrusting toward me. While I keep the pressure going, I hunt through the bedside drawer for the tube I know is there. Replicated it not half an hour ago. For...personal use. Guess this is personal too, but I didn't think it'd be this I'd need it for. Ah, got it! I reach over and hand it to him, and the look he gives me...hot, sure, but underneath...oh, gods, the *tenderness*, I think I'll faint if he keeps looking at me like that. Aaaahhhh! Oh, those fingers, inside me, stretching. So good. Mmmm! He remembered where it was. He pushes me onto my back, I put my legs over those broad, capable, sexy shoulders, and he's inside me. Oh, yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss. It doesn't take long. Several slow, deep thrusts, then some faster movements, and I can feel him burst deep inside me. Then I see stars, and blackness for a while. Yeah, I passed out. Never happened before. Interesting sensation. When I woke up, he was still there. He smiled at me, ordered the lights out, pulled the covers up and held me in his arms. I couldn't fight sleep any longer, so I embraced it as I was embracing him. Now I could experience all the emotion I was feeling. --- Tear don't you fall... He's gone, let him go... Eyes don't look back... Down that empty road... And lips you may move... But don't you say too much... Oh, and please, please heart hush... --- The End