The BLTS Archive- He Was Beautiful by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. The song He Was Beautiful is sung by Shirley Bassey. Thanks Dad for making me listen to it on that long car trip! Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive, and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Others *must* ask. Please do not link to the story without my permission. Chak's POV, which I find *very* nerve-wracking, I'm not sure why... For Mona's one-hour challenge. Started: 2.54 pm 4 March 1999 Finished: 3.54 pm 4 March 1999 (except for the authorial blurb at the end ;-) This is for everyone who asked or hinted for a sequel. I am reminded of B'Elanna's words in the episode Blood Fever: Be careful what you wish for. Or maybe not... Please read to the end before you decide *exactly* what kind of story this is. This is one that I've had in mind for quite a while to write, and I think this particular story fits really well after the first one. --- He was beautiful... Beautiful through my eyes... --- Tom Paris is, quite simply, the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. Spirits...if you looked up the phrase 'male beauty' in the dictionary, they wouldn't need words. A picture of Tom would say it all. I often wonder, though, if the reason I found him so beautiful is because I never got to see him the way I would most want to. I never got to see him in the throes of passion, making love to me, or me making love to him. --- From the moment I saw him... The sun filled the sky... He was so, so beautiful... --- If you'd told me back when we first met that I'd *want* to hold him, to know him that way, half of me would have either laughed or been completely disgusted at the idea. Not because he's a man, just because of the relationship we had at the time. The other half of me? That's the half that *first* saw him. Before I knew that he was Tom Paris, rebel son of one of Starfleet's finest families. The half of me that saw a man that looked like sunlight and moonbeams, a man who could give and take so much pleasure...at least that was what I thought, before I realised who he was. With hindsight, which of course is always 20/20, isn't it, maybe that first impression was closer to who the man really was than the impression I had of him. I suppose it's useless to speculate, especially now. It was probably useless to speculate from the first time I held Kathryn as more than an officer. Beautiful just to hold... In my dreams he was springtime... Winter was cold... There were so many times I longed to go to him, just to hold him, to say how I felt. He held me once or twice, when he rescued me on Ocampa at the beginning of our journey, I felt more pleasure from being held by him than pain from my broken leg. I dreamed of us being together, and was going to start seeing if we could be friends. It would have to begin there before it became more. That was when he started acting so strangely. How could I not *see*? It still hurts that Kathryn kept it from me. Then... Kathryn and I thought we were stuck on New Earth for life. And I cared for her, enough to make a life with her. There seemed to be no reason not to take it further, after we defined our parameters, to use her phrasing. Of course, there was Seska to deal with, and then Tom started seeing B'Elanna. I thought I had no chance at all with him, so I could see no reason to end things with Kathryn. --- How could I tell him what I so clearly could see?... Though I longed for him... Another trusted me completely... So I never could be free... --- Kathryn... If it weren't for Tom, I would still be with her. Still content, still happy, in a fashion. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't break her heart. She let me in past those walls, and I knew I was the only one she would consider letting them down for. Her trust was a sacred thing to me, and I could not let my own selfish desires override that trust. --- It was beautiful... Knowing now that he cared... I will always remember moments we shared... --- He said it first. I know that he loved me, too. The feeling of knowing that he cared...that has sustained me for such a long time. It has been all that has sustained me since...it happened. We did have some wonderful moments of friendship, and what I now know was love. His disappearance happened the day after he told me that he loved me. We spent an evening at Sandrine's as a foursome, and Tom and I talked a little more intimately than before. Not enough to arouse anyone's suspicions, though, but it was still special. --- Now it's all over... Still the feelings linger... --- I think it would be easier if we knew what actually happened. Tom didn't die, that would have been something we could have coped with, as a family, and gone on after. He just...disappeared. Or rather, his shuttle did. The Delta Flyer...the place he first told me that he loved me. It was like all of our love disappeared together. It was awful. B'Elanna was devastated, but she thinks he's dead. She said to me that she had to believe that, or she would go mad. If it's the best way for her to get past it, yes, that's what she should believe. It was only a month later that she started seeing Jerron, although I do know that it wasn't the first time that they were together. She got him through some Bajoran coming-of-age thing, back in the Maquis. So it didn't seem like she'd just gone on with someone else so soon after Tom. And they are very happy together. --- For my dream keeps returning... Now that he's gone... --- It was the dreams that gave me away to Kathryn. I should never have bottled it all up. Spirits...I had no idea I talked in my sleep, although she said that I hadn't before. Three weeks after Tom disappeared, she told me. "I can't be with someone who feels more for a memory than he ever could for me." I tried to tell her it wasn't true, but she refused to listen. I suppose I can't really blame her. At least she didn't shut me out as a friend, and she believed me when I told her nothing had ever happened. "I know that, Chakotay. It's why it's so hard for you to accept what's happened. But it would do neither of us any good if we pretended that we can go on as we have been. Maybe later..." But we both knew that for the lie that it was, we couldn't go back, and we couldn't go forward together, not even given time. I don't think I will ever be able to open up to anyone else. I will have to accept that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I think it would be better than trying to settle for anything less than what I could have had with Tom. --- For it was beautiful, beautiful... Beautiful to me alone... --- So I do my work, socialise at Sandrine's, meditate, follow my tribal customs, and remember Tom. It's enough. It has to be. And the fantasies about what we might have had, they are wonderful and beautiful too, although they are tinged with sadness, knowing that they will never be. It's another routine day on the bridge. I have too much time to think and remember. Harry's saying something about the anomaly in front of us, but I can't rouse myself to be interested. I should be able to, but it's three months to the day since Tom told me that he loved me. "Sir!" Harry's voice is loud, and strangely excited. "Yes, Ensign?" I ask, turning wearily. "It's confirmed!" "What's confirmed?" I ask. "It's the Delta Flyer!" "*What's* the Delta Flyer?" I ask, annoyed, and apprehensive. "The ship in the anomaly. Sir...one lifesign aboard. It's human..." Spirits, do I dare hope? "It's Tom," Harry's voice is triumphant. I would wonder at the tone if I did not know about Harry and Miguel. I can't speak, but the looks of support coming from Harry, Tuvok, B'Elanna and even Kathryn who has returned to the bridge are enough. "Bring him home," I manage to whisper. "Commander, I order you to leave the bridge," Kathryn orders, smiling. It's all I can do to walk to the lift. I've been given something so precious, something that I never dared to hope that I would have. A second chance with Tom. And I will never let it slip from my fingers. I'm in the transporter room, and Miguel has given me a look of such support and friendship, I know it will be all right. Tom materialises in front of me. Oh, spirits...he hasn't been affected at all. "Chakotay? How long has it been?" "Three months, less one day." "Then it's been three months since I told you..." "That you loved me." "B'Elanna? Why isn't she here?" "B'Elanna and Jerron are engaged," I whisper, still unable to believe he's here with me. "And...Kathryn?" "She told me that she could never stay with someone who felt more for a memory than he could ever feel for her." "Has she...?" "Gone on? Not yet. I think it may happen, though I'm not sure who with. I think because she was able to end us, that it wasn't me, she is able to let herself trust again. I just don't think that she has found the right person yet." "Then...there's nothing standing between us any more?" "Not if you will agree to try with me." "Chakotay, the only thing that has kept me going these last three months is knowing that I have to get back to you. Dear gods...*agree*? I can't do anything else." He moves, just a little, and he is in my arms. Our lips meet, tentatively, kissing lightly. He moves to pull back, but I deepen the kiss, not wanting to let our first kiss go so quickly. "I love you," he murmurs against my lips. "I love you," I respond, saying it for the first time without guilt. The future, so bleak this morning is now brighter than I could hope. --- The End