The BLTS Archive- If I Had Only Known by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek is Paramount/Viacom's. If I Had Only Known, sung by Reba McEntire, not mine either. Another sad one. You've been warned. This one is probably not what you expect, though. As always feedback on the first person writing is very much appreciated, as is feedback in general. Distribution: No archiving except on R'Rain's archive, the CPSG archive and the ASC archive. Posting only to BLTS, CPSG and ASC/EM. For my inspiration, as always. If only you could see it. --- If I had only known... It was the last walk in the rain... --- Gods, I remember our last time planetside. What was it, three, four weeks ago? Not long. Not long enough. Of course it'll never be long enough. All of our lives and beyond wouldn't have been long enough, but *why* wasn't it longer? It rained. We hadn't seen rain in over a year, not *real* rain. Holodeck rain, sure, but you always *know* it's not real, no matter how good the program. And my rain programs, with all due modesty are as good as any of my others. You always laughed when I said something like that, didn't you? --- I'd keep you out for hours in the storm... I would hold your hand... Like a life line to my heart... --- What would I have done if I'd known that this was going to be our last time together? Would I have said something different, done something different? Or would it have marred the enjoyment of just being together, alone, as we are so rarely on the ship? We've been far too busy with other things lately, and I really loved just being with you. Would I have taken your hand, and said how I really feel? That I might have done. I don't think you ever did fully understand the depth of my feelings for you. Oh, you knew they were special, but I don't think you ever really knew how deep they went. That's probably partly my fault. You always accused me of hiding my feelings behind a mask, only letting it down for a few people. You don't know how right you were. There are only a few people who I let it down around. You, the Captain, and one or two others... --- Underneath the thunder we'd be warm... If I had only known... It was our last walk in the rain... --- But I didn't know. I couldn't know that the flower you touched was deadly to humans. I don't know if you could have been saved if I had known, and I don't think that you'd want me beating myself up over it. I think you'd want me to remember the good times, and that's what I'm going to do. It's what we're all going to do. --- If I had only known... I'd never hear your voice again... I'd memorize each thing you ever said... --- I could hear your voice again if I wanted to. All I'd have to do would be to create a hologram, and program it with your voice patterns. But I'm not going to. It wouldn't be you. I'll just listen to your logs, and remember what you looked and sounded like. It's closer to the real you than a hologram could ever be. --- And on those lonely nights... I could think of them once more... Keep your words alive inside my head... If I had only known... I'd never hear your voice again... --- I remember the last thing you said to me. Of course, the fact that it was my name helps the memory, but the way you said it...you've never said it like that before. All the longing and passion you had wanted to express wrapped up in that one syllable. I didn't know it was possible for my name to sound like that. It's both the best and the worst way I've ever heard it spoken. --- You were the treasure in my hand... You were the one who always stood beside me... So unaware I foolishly believed... That you would always be there... But then there came a day... And I turned my head and you slipped away... --- Gods, I thought you'd be here forever. Encouraging me, pulling my socks up when I needed it, being there for me when I needed that. You've been there for me through so damn much, I never thought it would end. --- If I had only known... It was my last night by your side... I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn... --- I would have done anything to save your life. Up to and including giving up my own. You know what we shared was more precious than my life. That wouldn't have been saying much a few years ago, but it's truer now than it was then. --- And when you'd smile at me... I would look into your eyes... And make sure you knew my love... For you goes on and on... --- I'll always love you, Harry. You were the best friend I ever had. Closer than family in many ways. I'd have changed that day, if I could, you know it. Then you'd be writing a log like this, and B'Elanna would be comforting Chakotay, not the other way around. She took it hard, Harry. Harder than I thought she would, and I wasn't expecting her to take it easily. I think the pregnancy is helping, though. I think it's helping everyone. It's like part of you *is* still with us. Chakotay, as always, is supportive, and loving, and caring. Exactly what I need. He's mourning you as keenly as any of us, but I'm the only one who knows about the real breakdowns, behind closed doors. I don't think he'd let *me* know if we weren't married, but he knows he can't hide anything from me. I try to support him like he's supporting me, and everyone else, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to admit he's hurting when everyone else is. Hell, you remember what it was like when Kes left us, and when Hogan died. He's like that, but it's deeper, because it's you, Harry. And you've left a gap that can't be filled. Chakotay wants us to have a child, and he doesn't understand why I want to wait. But I *know* if we do it now, it'll be in very large part a substitute for you, and I don't want our first child to be that. I don't want *any* child to be that, but especially not the first. The door chime just rang, it's Chakotay. He's brought B'Elanna, and we're going to your wake. I insisted on it, and B'Elanna agreed. We don't want to mourn you any more, we want to remember the good times. I have to say one more thing before I open the door. Thank you, Harry. Thank you for believing in me, for being my friend when no one else bothered, and most of all, thank you for making me and Chakotay realise that what we really needed was each other. I think that will be the thing that keeps your memory most alive for me. We'd probably still be dancing around each other if it weren't for you. I owe you, and I wish you could collect. Computer, end log. --- If I had only known... If I had only known... The love I would've shown... If I had only known... --- The End