The BLTS Archive- I Love You, Goodbye
by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com)

---

DISCLAIMER:  Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom.  I Love You,
Goodbye, written by Diane Warren, sung by Celine Dion, on her CD,
Celine Dion.

This is a sequel to my previous Chakotay/Sisko story The Dance, and
was inspired by a comment made by Gill on CPSG about whether Chakotay
had ever been an instructor at Starfleet Academy, based on a comment
made by Ro Laren in the TNG ep Preemptive Strike.  I've always assumed
that he was the instructor referred to, and this story is my attempt
at expanding on that concept.

Although this story contains sex between Ro and Chakotay, they
were never involved at the time they were teacher and student
(although they may have been attracted to each other at that time).
Please note that in the story The Dance, Chakotay's father died when
he was sixteen, not around the time this story is set.

If you have  not read The Dance, you can probably still read this
story, but it  would make more sense if you read The Dance first.

This story contains reasonably explicit sex between two men, and a man
and a woman.  If you are offended by any of the above, leave now.

In Trek canon, this story takes place a year before and shortly after
the events of the TNG episode Preemptive Strike, and the DS9 part
takes place just before Duet.  There is a very brief appearance by
another Voyager character, and yes, it is possible for it to have
happened.

I owe thanks to Laura Bowen, who paired Chakotay and Ro in the
beautifully written story Resignation.  If I'd never read that story,
I'd never have considered writing them myself.

Dedicated to Amirin, because we both did Chak break-ups this week :).

---

Chakotay sighed.  He wondered if  he'd ever have agreed to taking this
teaching position if he'd know how much time he'd have to spend apart
from his lover.  He smiled as he thought of Ben Sisko's deep brown
eyes, powerful build, and the smile that lit up any room the older man
was in.  But, he  knew, deep in his heart, that it wasn't love.  He
wanted it to be, badly, but his feelings had, over time, developed
into a healthy lust, and a deep  friendship.  He thought that that
would be enough for Ben, he'd felt that deep love for his wife,
Jennifer, and if Chakotay had felt that for  someone, maybe he could
settle down with Ben.  There were certainly worse reasons for making a
relationship permanent, but Chakotay knew that he and Ben were too
different on other levels to make it work permanently.

Although Chakotay had once thought he would die for the Federation,
and he would still put his life on the line for it, he'd realised that
the reason he'd felt that was because he thought of the Federation as
his family.  And it was family that came first.  He would die in a
moment for Ben, or Jake, but he was becoming more and more
disenchanted with the way Starfleet was handling things with the
Cardassians.  He was starting to think less and less of Starfleet
as his family lately.

He was interrupted in his thoughts by a knock on his door.

"Come in," he called.

"Commander?"

"Yes?" he asked the young man who entered.

"It's all over the Academy, sir, and I thought you deserved to hear
this in person.  Derama Three has been declared part of the
Demilitarised Zone."

Chakotay felt like he'd been kicked by a Klingon targ.

"Thank you for informing me," he said, almost inaudibly.

"You're welcome, sir.  Will you be all right?"

"I'm not sure.  Please, I'm sure you have other duties."

The young man left, and Chakotay was unable to move.

"What does this *mean*?" kept whirling around in his mind.

He didn't stir for several hours, until his communications terminal
beeped.

"Yes," he asked, faintly.

"'Kotay?"

"Ben."

"How are you?"

"Numb."

"I'm on my way."

"From where?"

"DS9."

"No, don't.  I'll come there.  I have a couple of days of leave, and I
don't want to be asked the questions I'm going to be asked.  I need to
get away, to be with you."

"All right.  Jake's spending some time on Earth, so we'll have time
together.  I was going to visit him too, but you need me more right
now.  Safe trip," he said before signing off.


Chakotay was able to get on a transport leaving immediately, and three
hours later he was stepping out of the airlock on Deep Space Nine.

"Hello, Chakotay," a lovely woman greeted him.

"Jadzia, it's good to see you," Chakotay hugged the Trill, Dax's new
host, since Curzon's death soon after he and Ben had met.

"Benjamin had to meet with a diplomat, unfortunately, so I volunteered
to meet you.  Would you like to see the station, I know you haven't
been here before?"

"Jadzia, no.  I'm not up to questions about who I am, and where I'm
from, and what I think of the situation.  Thank you for asking."

"Always, my friend.  Well, shall we go and wait in Benjamin's
quarters?  I'm off duty, and I don't have anywhere to be."

"You don't have someone in your life?  I find that impossible to
believe."

"I haven't found the right person yet.  Like you," she added, with her
usual insight.  They stepped onto the turbolift.

"You know?"

"Yes.  Chakotay, I know you and Benjamin aren't forever, but don't let
that stop you from leaning on him.  He cares about you a lot."

"And I care about him.  It's not the male thing, we're just not what
each other needs forever."

"I know.  You'll meet someone one day who's everything you need.
Benjamin's just not it."

They arrived at the Commander's quarters.

"I wish he could be.  I wish we could both be everything each other
needs.  I need him now, though, more than anyone else."

"I'm here."

Two words, spoken softly, but they echoed loud in the room.

"I'll leave you alone," Jadzia said, exiting gracefully.

"'Kotay, I'm sorr-" he was stopped by Chakotay's fingers on his lips.

"Not now.  Now all I need is you.  I want to make love with you, Ben.
I want to wrap up with you so tight that I don't know where I end and
you begin.  Just for a few hours, I want to forget everything but you
and me."

Ben drew the younger man into his arms, soothing the trembling that
the unvoiced emotions caused in his body.  He leaned down, and their
lips met in a tender, gentle kiss.  Chakotay moaned, as the kiss
deepened.

They somehow managed to walk to the bedroom, shedding clothes as they
went.  They symbolically left the last pieces of their uniforms at the
bedroom door, something they'd done almost from the first time
together, it was an indication that *nothing* mattered past that door
but pleasure and love.

Ben lowered Chakotay to the bed, kissing him all over, the defined
planes of his face, tracing the tattoo with his tongue the way he had
the first time they were together.  He mapped the line of Chakotay's
jaw with tender, gentle nips   The caresses and kisses had a
different, urgent, but leisurely feel about them, as if they were
being imprinted on the memory of both men.

Chakotay moaned, the sensations too much, yet not enough.  He managed
to get his lips free for a moment, and fastened them on Ben's neck,
right where he knew his lover was most sensitive.  Ben's reaction was
all that Chakotay would ask for, he almost threw himself back onto the
bed, allowing Chakotay to explore him.  Chakotay moved a hand over
Ben's rich chocolate skin, noticing the contrast with his own bronzed
flesh.  That was rare for him, his female lovers had been mostly fair-
skinned.  Ben was different in every respect, and Chakotay loved that.
He moved over his lover's chest, feeling the smoothness below his
lips, finding a nipple, teasing to hardness with those lips, then the
other, then moving over the muscular planes of Ben's stomach, brushing
the navel with his tongue, nuzzling the dark curls with  his lips and
nose, then nibbling slowly and sensuously over the hard, hot shaft,
swirling his tongue around the head, nibbling down the other side,
then finally taking it all into his mouth.  Ben cried out, a ragged,
husky moan, as Chakotay drove him wild, his lips and tongue combining
to drive him over the edge.  He screamed with his climax, feeling the
salty semen burst from his body into his lover's welcoming mouth.

Chakotay allowed the softening shaft to slip out of his mouth, and
moved up to kiss his lover.  They shared Ben's taste, and held each
other close for a few moments, Ben shaking with the release, Chakotay
still trembling with the emotions he daren't name.

"Please, inside me," Ben whispered, stroking Chakotay's erection.

Chakotay just nodded, not quite trusting himself to speak, and reached
for the lubricant inside the bed-table.  He squeezed some onto his
fingers, and began stroking Ben's smooth warm flesh.  Over the broad,
muscular back, down over the flanks, along the thighs, then between
the cheeks with the lubricated hand.  He moved a finger inside Ben,
slowly, so as not to hurt him.  They would never hurt each other, that
was why they'd never said the words.

'I do love him,' Chakotay  thought, 'but I'm not *in* love with him.
And I need to be in love  with  somebody to be with them forever.'

He banished that thought, and added a second, then a third finger,
making Ben ready for him.  Then he coated himself with lubricant, and
began slowly pushing into his lover.  Gently, but firmly, he continued
moving forward until he was completely buried inside Ben.  He stopped,
for just a moment, to feel their bodies connected.  Then Ben moved
under him, and Chakotay began thrusting, moving a hand around Ben's
hip to stroke him in time with the thrusts.  Ben thrust his renewed
erection into Chakotay's hand, and Chakotay thrust into Ben's body.
Very soon, *too* soon, Chakotay felt, they were crying out with
release.

Chakotay moved out of his lover, moving to lie beside him, gathering
him close.

"'Kotay, it's not right any more, is it?" Ben asked when they could
speak again.

"I wish it were, Ben, but it's not.  I think I knew it when I couldn't
call you the minute I found out."

"I waited as long as I could, in case you hadn't heard, and that was
why you hadn't called.  But when you said that you were numb..."

"Did we ever have a chance?"

"Maybe, in the beginning.  But you never *really* fell in love with
me, did you?"

"No, I didn't.  I wish I had."

"You would have if it was meant to be."

"Ben, there's something I'd like to do."

"What?"

"Spend one last evening together in a holosuite.  I'd like to end
things as they began."

"I've got a permanent reservation at Quark's.  Do you want to walk?"

"Beam.  I don't want to see anyone."

Chakotay and Ben dressed, and Chakotay gave the orders for the
program, and to beam them there when it was ready.

It was the club they'd spent their first evening in.  Chakotay joined
the band for a song or two, then he began playing a song Ben didn't
know, but it brought a lump to his throat.


Wish I could be the one,
The one who could give you love,
The kind of love you really need,
Wish I could say to you,
That I'll always stay with you,
But baby that's not me,
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you,
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do,
Oh, I could say that I'll be all you'll need,
But that would be a lie,
I know I'd only hurt you,
I know I'd only make you cry,
I'm not the one you're needing,
I love you, goodbye.

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you,
I don't really wanna go,
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do,
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be,
Who'll give you something better,
Than the love you'll find with me,
Oh, I could say that I'll be all you'll need,
But that would be a crime,
I know I'd only hurt you,
I know I'd only make you cry,
I'm not the one you're needing,
I love you, goodbye.

Leaving someone when you love someone,
Is the hardest thing to do,
When you love someone as much as I love you.

Oh, I don't wanna leave you,
Baby, it tears me up inside,
But I'm not the one you're needing,
I love you, goodbye,
Baby it's never gonna work out,
I love you, goodbye.


"How?"

"My mother loved the music of the woman who sang that song.  It's very
old, twentieth century."

"How did they know?"

"I think that love is something that doesn't change over the
centuries.  The sentiments are as alive today as they were then."

"I wish that love were alive, for us."

"As do I, Ben, as do I.  But there's someone waiting out there for
you.  Someone who'll give you everything you need, everything that I
couldn't."

"And for you, too, 'Kotay.  You'll meet the love of your life, and
wonder what you ever saw in me."

"No I won't," the conviction in Chakotay's tone surprised both men, "I
know that we weren't forever, but Ben, in a very real way, you *were*
my first love.  My first male love.  And I'll never forget what we
were to each other.  It's like the memories of the girl I had my first
romance with. She's married now, to one of my brothers, believe it or
not, but I still remember our time together.  You have opened me to
the possibility of a male lover, something I'd never considered
before.  I know now that I won't choose a lover based on gender, but
on how we fit together.  That's very  important to me, Ben, and I'll
always be grateful for that."

Ben was surprised, but then he remembered how eager Chakotay had been
to learn from him (and he was hardly an expert, only having had one
male lover before Chakotay), how much he'd enjoyed doing to Ben what
Ben had done to him, how he'd been such an eager, generous lover
through their entire relationshp, and regretted, just for a moment,
that he'd never know what it was like to just have a night of holding
Chakotay, as they'd had so few chances lately to be together, and
before they'd been in so much of a honeymoon phase, that the idea of
just holding each other had gone by the wayside of making love.

"Stay with me tonight?" Ben asked, softly.

"I'd love to, but I think that if I don't leave now, it'll be harder
in the morning."

"Is this goodbye?"

"Yes."  Chakotay quietly walked out of the holosuite, calling to the
computer as the doors opened, "End program."

---

Chakotay returned to Earth, and buried himself even more deeply in his
work.  He was teaching an extremely strict course in Advanced Tactical
Training, and knew that only half of his students would make it to the
end of the year.  He'd lay money on Ro Laren being one of them,
though.  A young Bajoran woman, she had a brilliant mind.  One day,
after the class had finished, she stayed back, and they talked for a
while.  She made no secret of her contempt for Cardassians, not that
it was surprising, coming from a Bajoran.  She was beautiful, Chakotay
thought, speaking passionately about the Bajoran Resistance, and some
of the things she'd been forced to endure under the Occupation.

"Wait a minute," he thought, "I *can't* think like this about a
student,"  and he was relieved when the communications panel chirped.

"I'll leave you, Commander."

"It was interesting to hear, Ensign.  But I have to take this call,"
he said, although it could probably wait, he didn't want to continue
these thoughts.

The call was from one of his brothers, and he listened in despair to
what was happening to his home planet.  He felt more and more that
Starfleet was not doing all it could, and he was becoming more and
more disillusioned with the people he worked with, people he'd once
considered family.

"Xavier," he said to his brother, "After this year's commencement, in
three weeks, I'll be resigning from Starfleet."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes.  I can't stay in an institution that condones what's happening."

"Good luck, my brother."

"Thank you," Chakotay said, clicking the screen off.


For the next three weeks, Chakotay did his job to the best of his
ability.  He smiled as he listened to the valedictorian's speech.  The
young man was, he noticed, very attractive.  Of Asian descent, and he
filled out the uniform very well.  Chakotay looked up the name on his
PADD:  Harry Kim.

As he finished the speech, he walked past Chakotay.  Chakotay couldn't
help saying a word to him.

"Cadet, I truly hope you always feel that way about the Fleet."

"Thank you, sir," he said, obviously looking for someone, and politely
excusing himself to walk over to a lovely young woman with long dark
hair.  The connection between them was obvious.

Chakotay realised that the commencement was over.  So it had to be
now.  He'd made an appointment with Admiral Nechayev.

"Resign?"

"Yes, sir.  It is not a decision I came to lightly, but it's what I
have to do."

"Very well.  I accept, reluctantly, your resignation."

"Thank you, sir.  I wish to leave immediately."

"Of course.  I'm sorry you couldn't come to the decision to remain
with the service."

"As am I."

"Dismissed."

Chakotay slowly walked out of the office after placing his rank pips
on the Admiral's desk.  He wasn't paying attention to where he was
walking, and he bumped into a passer-by without realising it.

"I'm sorry," he apologised, distractedly.

"Commander?"

"Chakotay," he murmured.

"I'm sorry?" Ro asked, puzzled.

"I have just resigned from Starfleet, so I'm not a Commander any more.
I have no other name, so you must call me Chakotay, Ensign."

"But why?"

"I have to fight the Cardassians, for my home."

"But..."

"I'm sorry, but I'm sure your replacement instructor will be
adequate."

"Dammit," Ro said, "It's not the damn course I'm concerned about, and
you know it."

"It's all I *can* be concerned about right now.  You know what
fighting the Cardassians means."

"You're going to join the Maquis?"

"I have no choice.  It's the only way I can do what I have to do."

"I will miss you, Comm-Chakotay," and she brought a hand up to brush
his cheek, lightly.  The light touch burned him to the core, but he
was able to keep himself under control.  If only they'd met under
different circumstances...

"Goodbye, Laren," he whispered, moving away from her slowly.

---
ONE YEAR LATER
---

"The new people will be arriving soon," Miguel Ayala informed
Chakotay.

Chakotay stretched his tired muscles.  Oh, for an hour of
uninterrupted sleep, he thought, wistfully.  Or for an hour with
someone, not sleeping. Not that he had someone to "not sleep" with,
but it would be nice.

He heard a commotion outside the door, and he and Ayala were
immediately there.

"Dammit, I'm *not* a Starfleet spy," said a dark-haired young woman.
It couldn't be...

"Laren?" Chakotay whispered.

"Chakotay?"

He moved to touch her, to hold her, and had to hold himself back,
remembering, they weren't that close.  But she showed no such
hesitation, clasping him tightly to her, and his arms went around her
involuntarily.  He managed to pull himself back from her, reluctantly.

"What are you *doing* here?" he asked, recovering slightly from the
shock of seeing her, looking, he had to admit, more beautiful than she
had a year ago.

"I learned a few more things from you, and some other good people,
than I thought," she replied.  In a few words, obviously trying to
keep from breaking down, she explained the circumstances behind her
own resignation from Starfleet.

Chakotay was surprised, but not shocked.  There were many similar
incidents among his crew.  But these people were not to be a part of
his crew.  They were only here for a night or two.  If only they could
have the chance they'd never have taken in Starfleet...

"What is it, Chakotay?" Ayala asked.

"I was just thinking, I'm sorry.  So, you're here until the transport
arrives?"

"Not nearly long enough," Ro said, for his ears alone.

Chakotay assigned the other people jobs to do, and found himself at
last alone with Ro.

"Did you know I'd be here?" he asked.

"No, I didn't.  You know, I always regretted that we didn't have the
chance to get to know each other as more than teacher and student.  I
know we've only got a night, or maybe two, but this might be our
chance.  If you want to."

Chakotay didn't answer in words.  He moved toward her, and captured
her mouth in a tender, gentle kiss.  She responded eagerly, probing
his lips with her tongue.

"There are much less public places to continue this," he whispered, as
they broke the kiss through need of oxygen, picking her up, and
carrying her to his cramped cabin.

He undressed her slowly, each new area of skin revealed was kissed,
licked or nuzzled gently.  She undressed him with the same care and
tenderness.

"Something I've learned, since joining the Maquis," he whispered, "Is
to take advantage of every opportunity that presents itself.  You
might never have another chance."

She responded by kissing him deeply.  He moved from her mouth to her
neck, then over the collarbone, taking a breast into his mouth,
sucking gently on the nipple till it hardened, repeating the attention
to the other.  Ro was moaning constantly, loving the attention this
gentle, beautiful man gave her.  He moved over her stomach, kissing
gently, then buried his nose in the curls between her legs.  He moved
his tongue slightly, tasting her juices, then up, nuzzling the nub of
flesh between the yielding lips, causing her to scream.  Then he took
the nub into his mouth and sucked, while moving a finger, then two,
inside her.  As he twisted the fingers, finding the spot he was
searching for, she screamed, and came, flooding his face with her
tangy juices.

He moved to hold her through the last shudders of orgasm, and smiled
at her, warmly, when she opened her eyes.

"There's nothing more beautiful than a woman, or man, that you've just
made love to," Chakotay said.

She looked a little surprised, but not shocked, by that statement, and
agreed.  Then she moved one slender hand between them, and began
stroking his erection.  He moaned, and began thrusting his hips
gently.

She moved to lie beside him, then pulled him to her.  He entered her
slowly, not wanting to rush this, but was soon buried deep inside her
moist heat. He began thrusting, his body moving on hers, and his
tongue moving in and out of her mouth in the same rhythm.  The pace
was leisurely, but too soon, she was shuddering again, contracting
around him in orgasm, and he felt his orgasm building, building, then
bursting out of him into her.

They rested for a while, until the communications terminal beeped.

"The transport's here," Ayala informed him, quietly.

"Damn," she said, moving out of the bed, "We have the rottenest
timing, don't we?"

"Yeah.  If we could actually spend some *time* together, maybe we'd be
able to figure out what's going on here."

"Well, it was a beautiful experience, anyway.  No regrets?"

"None."

"Good.  Maybe if I'm in the area, I'll stop by," she smiled.

"I'd like that."

"So would I.," she kissed him again, and they both continued dressing.

He escorted her to the transport ship, and kissed her one last time,
somehow knowing that it would be the last time.

"Goodbye, Laren," he whispered, moving away from her slowly.

He walked away, not wanting to see the ship leave, and almost bumped
into a young woman who had recently joined them.

"I'm sorry," he said distractedly.

"That's all right," Seska said, and continued on her way, turning to
watch him as he walked down the hall.

"Step one," she thought.

---

The End