The BLTS Archive- Friends by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. The song Friends belongs to John Michael Montgomery. Archive permission: PKSP, VSPS, ASC/EM, R'Rain (when it's back up), CKOS. Anyone else, please ask first. FEEDBACK: Please! Good, bad, positive, negative, but *please* if you're reading this story on ASCEM, cc a copy of any comments to my email. I don't have newsgroup access at the moment, so I won't see anything that you post there. Spoiler warning: The Chute, Jeri Taylor's Pathways, The Raven, Blood Fever, and Day Of Honour. This was inspired by a comment made on the PKSP list about what if one of the guys was gay, and the other wasn't. This isn't *exactly* that simple, but that comment was the genesis of it. I dedicate this story to Marty, whose words inspired it. Thank you for the inspiration. Also dedicated to the PKSP for being a wonderful group of people, and to those who cry before the end. --- Harry said that he loved me. Gods, how many times have I dreamed of that? I never thought I'd hear it. And I'm not sure that I wanted to hear it now. Not today, not like this. Not after what we just went through on Akritiria. Because Harry didn't say that he loved me the way I love him. Harry told me how much he loved me. As a friend. He told me how grateful he was that we got through that, and that our friendship survived. --- You say you want to be friends... That's a newly sharpened blade... That's a dagger to the heart... Of the promises we made... That's a chapter full of pain... A season full of rain... A dark and stormy night... Spent all alone... --- How long have I dreamed of Harry? Since we met, sure, but maybe even longer, although I didn't know it was Harry I was dreaming of. How could I know that before I knew him? It was so painful to hear the words. So very painful. I don't know how I didn't give myself away. Probably the shreds of self-preservation that I have left decided that I'd been humiliated enough. Either that or I was too shocked to do more than get out of there as fast as I could. I don't know if I want to know which it was. Gods...I don't know how long I've relied on being able to *tell* Harry one day. It's funny, I don't know if I ever really expected him to feel the way I do, but to know that I can't even *tell* him...that hurts in a way I never thought I could hurt. I feel this pain...it goes so deep. Deeper than almost anything I've ever felt. When he told me...I wasn't surprised. Oh, not that he couldn't be with a man. That was a shock I don't think I'll ever get over. No, what I wasn't surprised about was that I wasn't the first man to find Harry attractive. I know there's not the hatred, bigotry and stigma that there used to be, but I honestly thought I'd be the first person to ever talk about this with Harry. I wonder if I had been...maybe there would have been a chance. I guess I'll never know. I just know that there isn't one now. And that hurts me more than I can put into words. --- Friends... Get scattered by the wind... Tossed upon the waves... Lost for years on end... --- I knew that I didn't want to get back home, but now...gods...now I want to stay on this ship forever. Because at least I'll be beside Harry forever. What would happen if we got home tomorrow? Gods...I say that like I still think of it as...home. I guess I do, but I don't. Home is not a place...a quadrant...a planet. Home is a person. Home...is Harry. If we got home tomorrow, I know what would happen. It's the only thing that could. If I'm damn lucky and don't get sent back to prison, I'll still never stay in Starfleet. They wouldn't let me. I don't know if I'd want to, but I know damn well that I'm never going to have the choice. And I can never go back to the house I grew up in...I wish I could. I think a part of my father wishes that too, although he'd never admit it. I don't think I would have been, if it weren't for Harry. What would happen to me and Harry, though? Stupid question, I guess. There *is* no me and Harry, and there can't be. Maybe if I say that often enough, I'll start to believe it. I have to. What would happen to me? I'd exist. I guess I'd find *some* kinda flying job, I guess maybe my time on Voyager will help me in that, if nothing else. Maybe that second chance Kathryn gave me was worth something after all. At least I get to fly again. What would happen to Harry, though? --- Friends... Slowly drift apart... They give away their hearts... Maybe call you... Now and then... But you wanna be... Just friends... --- What *would* happen to Harry? I wonder...might his fiancee have waited? I know that I'll wait forever for him, and four years isn't so long. I've loved him that long, after all. If it wasn't her, though, Harry would find someone. His heart is too big, too loving, not to be given away. Harry would find someone and fall in love. He may do that anyway. I know that he sees past the breasts and the hair and the Borgness of Seven. His reaction to her when she propositioned him is proof of that. If he'd been looking for a good time, he'd have taken her up on her...offer. We'd drift apart slowly. I know I could never bring myself to make a fast break. I guess that I don't have the willpower to do that, to let Harry go before I have to. It would have to be Harry who let things drift to the point of yearly Christmas cards and a summer vidcall. I could never do it. --- You say you love me very much... And you'll always hold me dear... Those are the sweetest words... I never want to hear... --- I *felt* something on Akritiri. It may have been platonic, but it was love. I'll never forget Harry's hands, holding mine. He did say that he loved me, that he could never imagine being without me, after it all ended. If only it could have been the way I *wanted* him to love me. I never knew that those two words could cause such despair. If only. --- What's a love without desire... A flame without fire... Can't warm me late at night... When I need you most... --- If only the love Harry felt was as warm as the love I feel for him. But his love is the love of coolness, remoteness. It's not a fire that can keep me warm at night when I want to hold him. When I need him, so much that I ache with it. No, Harry's love is not what I want it to be. I can't hate him for that, but a part of me wishes that I could. --- Friends... Get scattered by the wind... Tossed upon the waves... Lost for years on end... --- I wonder sometimes...if I'd said something, maybe things would be different. I don't know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. Harry might hate *me* if he knew. He never will, of course. --- Friends... Slowly drift apart... They give away their hearts... Maybe call you... Now and then... But you wanna be... Just friends... --- B'Elanna understands, the gods bless her. She knew from the beginning why I was looking at her. It was to look away from Harry much of the time. When that creep Vorik infected her with that blood fever crap...I have to admit, I thought about it. For five minutes. Hell, I'm human, and she's so beautiful. Who knows, if it weren't for Harry, and the fact that she has her own impossible love, maybe... Nah, it could never work. We've got way too much baggage, on both sides. But I really hope that someday Kathryn realises what's in front of her. I think she will, the woman's not blind. Maybe I can figure out a way to say something subtle. They deserve to find something wonderful with each other. Computer, end log. --- Friends... Slowly drift apart... They give away their hearts... Maybe call you... Now and then... --- Harry Kim and Kathryn Janeway looked at each other, studiously avoiding mentioning what they had both just heard. Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres were trapped in space, running out of air, and it was not likely that they would be recovered before the air ran out. Tom's log entry had automated, Harry realised, because he had left notice for it to be activated if he were away from the ship for a set time longer than he expected. It had been a coincidence that Harry had been there to hear it. On a routine away mission, the chances were that Harry would have been planetside with Tom, so no one would have noticed, and life would have gone back to normal. Or Harry would have been on the bridge. This time, he hadn't been. At the EMH's insistence, he and Kathryn Janeway had agreed to take a short rest period, even though they insisted that they would not rest. Still, they could not refuse an order from the Chief Medical Officer. The Captain had tried. Not wanting to be alone, Harry had rather diffidently suggested that the Captain come to his quarters to talk. Realising the awkwardness the young man felt, Kathryn had accepted, knowing that she would not sleep. The log entry had been playing, and at Harry's request it had restarted. "I'm sorry, Harry. That was so clearly meant for your ears only...I shouldn't have been here." "I...Captain, I think I'm glad that you were. Sounds strange, doesn't it? But I am." "Do you know what...how you feel?" "I feel...I wish he'd told me. I don't know how I would have reacted...I know I wouldn't have hated him. He should have told me, and let me make the decision for myself. How dare he decide that I'd turn him down." "Harry...you gave him reason to believe that you would. You heard him." "I know. But if he's all right...I want to try it. I want to be with him." "Harry...is this just a reaction to the situation?" "No. I want to take it slowly, see if we can be more than friends. If it were a reaction to the situation, I'd want to plunge right in. I think. What...what about you?" "Me? Tom didn't talk about me." "Captain, I'm talking about B'Elanna. I know a little of how she feels about you. Please, if you can think of it...but if you can't, please don't try. It would hurt her too much." "Me too," Kathryn murmured, only half to Harry. "But Captain, if you don't try...how will you know? Do you want to be in Tom's situation, next time there's a crisis?" "Let's get through this one before we think about the next crisis," Kathryn joked weakly. "Captain..." Harry was not as diffident as earlier. "I'll try. But slowly, like you are going to do with Tom." Harry nodded, agreeing. Kathryn's combadge chirped. "We got them." Kathryn and Harry exchanged nervous smiles, and walked out of the door toward the turbolift. --- Darling can't you see... This is killing me... We could never be... Just friends... --- As Kathryn bent over B'Elanna's bed, a look of concern and caring in her eyes that only B'Elanna could see, Harry bent over Tom's. "Fancy seeing you here," Tom said, weakly. "Where else would I be?" Harry asked. "What?" "Tom...I saw the log entry. Why didn't you tell me?" Silence. And a hint of relief in the blue eyes. At least he could stop wondering if he was going to give himself away. He already had. "Tom...I want to try." "Why? Is it because of what happened today? " "No. I want to take it slowly, to see if we can be more than friends. We might not be able to do it, but we might. I want to take the chance." "Thank you, Harry." "Tom...thanking me isn't what this is about. But you're welcome. Now get some sleep. We have a date at Sandrine's as soon as you get out of here." "You got it," Tom managed a weak imitation of his trademark grin. "Get some sleep," Harry whispered, clasping Tom's hand before he left sickbay. --- The End --- FYI: The original concept of this story was much sadder, and Harry didn't come around. But the muse insisted...and as I haven't written much with these guys lately, I thought I'd better listen. I hope Jane doesn't think it was a convenient change of heart!