The BLTS Archive- Duets II: Almost Paradise by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek is Paramount/Viacom's. Almost Paradise, from the Footloose soundtrack sung by Mike Reno and Nancy Wilson (or Anne Wilson). This is a sequel to my story In Another's Eyes which was posted to ASCEM, PKSP and CPSG in December. It starts a few hours after the events of that story, which you should really read first. This series now has a name. The Duets series. What this all leads to, eventually, will be C/P/K. The way I have chosen to get there may be upsetting to sensitive readers. I do not choose to say *at this point* what that way is, but be prepared for bad things to happen to good people in this series. This story contains no bad stuff beyond some mental anguish. This story is set late in Voyager's third season, sometime after Distant Origin and Displaced. This story contains a lot of emotion, UST and sex. All between consenting adults, some of whom happen to be male. If you don't like it, don't read it. Distribution: CPSG, PKSP, BLTS, ASCEM. Archiving: PKSP story archive, CPSG archive, R'Rain's archive, ASC archive. Anything else, including linking, please ask me first --- Later, Tom would wonder how he'd done it. How he'd kept from breaking down, managed to stay through the performances of the other crew members, even managing to sing again, alone this time. But all through it, all he could think of was Chakotay. He'd never have suspected that the way he felt for the older man was returned. He'd thought Chakotay hated him at one point, and he'd certainly done his best to play on those feelings when it had been necessary. But he'd never hated Chakotay. He hadn't always been in love with him, but he'd never hated him. When had it started? After Seska had kidnapped Chakotay and supposedly impregnated herself by him, he'd wanted to go to him. But he hadn't, because he'd seen the way that Kathryn Janeway was looking at Chakotay, and he didn't know *how* he felt at that point, so he'd decided to leave...whatever it had been...alone. "Maybe I shouldn't have," Tom thought, "Maybe I should have just gone over to him, and said I was sorry, maybe held him. Then we might be together now, and these messy complications would never have arisen." Messy wasn't the word for it. Tom *and* Chakotay were involved with other people. Chakotay and Kathryn Janeway had started their relationship first, causing Tom to realise that he'd needed to move on, that he did have no chance with the Commander. So Tom had turned to Harry. Beautiful, gentle, Harry, his dearest friend, who he loved deeply. But Tom knew, if it had ever been so simple as a choice between them, it would have been Chakotay. Then. He couldn't say that now, he did love Harry, and couldn't imagine a life without him. But back then, before the nightmare he and Harry had been through, yes, if forced to make the choice *then*, it would have been Chakotay. But now, Tom didn't know who it would be if he had the choice. Not that he did. Even if Chakotay could bring himself to end things with the Captain, Tom couldn't do that to Harry. Nor did he *want* to. "Dammit," Tom said aloud, feeling frustrated, impotent and powerless, "Why can't anything in my life ever happen when it's *supposed* to?" He sighed heavily, as he removed his uniform, wishing Harry were here, instead of in Sickbay. He wanted to tell Harry about this, maybe he could help. But would that be self-serving? Harry might not want him to tell him of how things had changed so dramatically. Or had they? Yes, they had. Maybe not in a way that was tangible, but things had changed deeply and fundamentally for Tom this night. In ways that would affect the rest of his life. "Computer, dim lights," Tom managed to choke out, before lying on his bed, and allowing the torrent of emotions to overwhelm him, crying in harsh, racking sobs that seemed to tear out of his chest as if even admitting the need was physical as well as emotional. He didn't even hear the door open, and only realised that he was no longer alone when he felt two strong, loving arms encircle him in a familiar embrace. He was too far gone to even wonder how Harry was there and not in Sickbay, and held onto Harry while he sobbed out the need and longing he felt as much as he could. "Shhh, shhh, it's okay, Tom, I'm here," Harry said over and over, the words eventually penetrating the fog of emotion in Tom's brain. "H-Harry?" he croaked. "Yeah." "How?" "The break healed slightly earlier than Doc expected. Said I had good bones, and to 'stop cluttering up his sickbay'. So I came home." "Home?" "Home. Where I live. With you. No matter what, where I am, with someone I love, that's home." "Harry...I..." "What is it, Tom?" "I feel so guilty whenever you say something like that." 'That's because you don't know that it's because of the guilt *I* feel that I say things like that, Tom,' Harry thought, but couldn't say aloud. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Because...there's something I haven't told you." "What is it?" "Harry, I don't know if I *want* to tell you this. I know telling you is going to change our relationship irrevocably." "Then I want you to tell me." "You're sure?" "Tom, you're scaring me." "I'm scaring myself. I don't know if I can tell you." "Tom, there's nothing that you could tell me that is that bad. Not even if you'd killed someone." Tom chuckled, but there was no humour in it. "It's nothing like that." "Then tell me," Harry's voice was serious. "Computer, quarter lights," Tom knew he had to be able to see Harry to do this. "Harry, you remember that I told you once that there was someone else who I could have loved on this ship?" "Yes, of course. It was B'Elanna, wasn't it?" "That's what I let you think. It was...easier for me to let you think that." "You mean it wasn't? I thought after the Pon Farr...and you told me about your conversation just after we got together." "I was never seriously interested in B'Elanna. My pursuit of her was partly because I like her, and thought maybe we could have had something, and partly to forget the other person." "Why are you telling me this now, Tom?" "Because I have to. I don't want anything between us. I want us to have an honest relationship." "Tom, why were you so upset? Does it have something to do with all this?" "More than you know, Harry, but that's not the part I have to tell you first. The person...the *man* I'm talking about...it's Chakotay." "I'm not surprised," Harry answered, more calmly than Tom would have believed possible. "You're *not*?" "You don't remember?" "Remember what?" "You don't. I'm not really surprised, but I thought you might have remembered by now. When we were in the Akritirian prison, you were delirious for a time. I don't know what you saw, but once, you said Chakotay's name, and...well, it was obvious that you weren't angry at the time." "You mean I was dreaming about Chakotay, and I had an erection?" "Yeah. I thought it was lust, or confusion of emotion, or something." "Confusion of emotion, that works." "It does, doesn't it. So why did we..." "Well, I should tell you, Harry, it wasn't...it *isn't* just lust I feel for Chakotay. Hell, I could feel lust for half the people on this ship, and not worry a second about it. I'm human, after all. But with Chakotay...it's more than that." "More?" "I'm in love with him, Harry. And if I'd had the slightest inkling of what I know now, I'd never have started this relationship with you. Even though I know I could never have had anything with him." "What do you know now, Tom?" "Harry, before I say any more, remember this. I love you. I will never, ever leave you for Chakotay. I do not want to leave you for Chakotay. I would not leave you if Chakotay and Captain Janeway ended their relationship tomorrow." "I'll remember." "Tonight, Chakotay took your place in our performance." "That was nice of him." "It was, wasn't it? Anyway, you know the song we sang. You know the lyrics. Well...I found something out. Something I'd never have guessed, or hoped for, or wanted. Not now." "Tom, that song...it's very similar to how you feel about Chakotay. Did he realise...?" "Not only does he know how I feel, *I* know how *he* feels." "And how does he feel?" "Harry, he feels about me the same way I feel about him. If it weren't for you and the Captain..." "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry. And I must tell you something now." "What is it, Harry?" "Up until I came in here tonight, I thought *I* was in love with someone else." "What made the difference? Why aren't you in love with this person now?" "Tom, I knew when I heard you crying so desperately, even worse than after Akritiria, I knew that you were the one I loved, the one I wanted to keep safe from such things." "Oh, Harry. Who was it?" "Captain Janeway." "How ironic. Imagine if you did still feel that way...and if she did feel something for you. Maybe...oh, hell, I don't want to think of the maybes any more. Would you just hold me, please, Harry?" "Tom, of course I'll hold you." "You will?" Tom sounded as if he'd never have expected Harry to agree. Harry grasped Tom's chin, and brought his eyes to Tom's. "I love you. You love me. Yes, you also have feelings for Chakotay, but you love me. And I love you. We're together. That's the way it's going to be. No matter what else happens. And maybe if we're together, Kathyrn and Chakotay can find happiness." "I hope so Harry, I really do. I can't have him, and I don't want him to spend the rest of this journey alone. And I think she loves him." "I know she does. She told me once." "Well, maybe they can have something special too," Tom kissed Harry gently. "I hope so," Harry returned the kiss, then pulled back to remove his clothing. Tom moved to cover Harry's body with his, and the kisses became more passionate. Tom began kissing Harry, gently nibbling at his neck, then his shoulders. He continued this teasing, gentle kissing, moving down to tease the nipples with his hands, then his lips and tongue. "Oh...Tom..." Tom grinned, and kept the gentle nibbing going, moving over Harry's stomach, and lower, nuzzling the dark curls of Harry's pubic hair with his nose, then bumping gently against Harry's hardness. He took Harry deep inside his mouth, teasing with his tongue, moving over the hot, throbbing shaft with teasing licks and nips, feeling the connection, knowing that the changes to their relationship would never change *this*. This was right, this was what Tom wanted forever. Chakotay was a dream that would never, could never happen, not now. Tom pushed that thought away, and continued his nibbling and sucking, until he felt Harry stiffen under him, felt the explosion into his mouth, and heard Harry's cry of ecstacy. "Tom...I..." "That sounded good," Tom whispered, kissing Harry gently. "It always is with you. But this time...it's special." "Why?" "Because we both know how we feel. And there's one thing more that would make it perfect." "What's that, love?" "You inside me. Filling me, making me remember that *this* is where I belong." "How can I turn down an offer like that?" Tom breathed. "I hope you can't," Harry looked at him teasingly. "Oh, I don't think that's possible," Tom grinned, reaching into the bedside table for lubricant, dropping a kiss onto Harry's shoulder while he searched. The mood turned more serious as Tom caressed Harry everywhere, then squeezed some lubricant onto his fingers. He began slowly stretching Harry, the careful preparations a part of their lovemaking since the beginning. Harry's moans were increasing, the way they always did when Tom made him ready. Tom fit three fingers inside Harry, them removed them to a moan of protest. Harry was on his hands and knees already, so Tom just slid inside, slowly and carefully. Then he began to move, Harry moving back to meet him. Tom held Harry's hardness in his hand, not moving on it, the movement of their bodies providing enough stimulation. Tom thrust a few more times, then came, deep inside his lover, screaming. Harry followed him a moment later, and they collapsed together. Tom lay there, not wanting to disturb the peaceful feeling, but *knowing* that something was missing. "Tom, do you wish Chakotay was here instead of me?" Harry whispered. "No. No, I don't," Tom said, sounding almost surprised, "I want Chakotay here *as well as* you. Talk about wanting everything!" "Well, it's not like it's ever likely to happen, so I don't see why you can't want everything. Not that I'd mind," Harry grinned wickedly. "Harry are you *serious*?" "Well, at least in the realm of fantasy, sure. I mean, Chakotay *is* an incredibly attractive man. I never really considered him *that* way, of course, but I certainly wouldn't object, either!" "Nice thought, but it'll never happen," Tom sighed, moving to snuggle into Harry's embrace. "Never say never," whispered Harry, and they were both asleep. --- Tom didn't know how he would cope with facing Chakotay the next day. He was able to avoid going to the Mess Hall for breakfast, luckily he had enough replicator credits to make it unnecessary for him to face the First Officer before he could calm himself enough to do it. It helped a lot that Harry had been so understanding. Tom couldn't believe it. He didn't know if he could have been as generous as Harry if the tables had been turned, as they may have been, if Harry's feelings for Kathryn Janeway had been as strong as his had been for Chakotay. He was glad that they weren't, not only for self-serving reasons, but also because he wouldn't wish the way he was feeling on anyone else, and certainly not Harry. Harry had smiled at him when he'd confessed to not being able to face "everything" so early in the morning, and had eaten with him. But Harry's shift started an hour before Tom's, so Tom was alone in their quarters when the door chime rang. "Who is it?" Tom asked, half-hoping that it was Chakotay, half-hoping it was *anyone* else. "Who do you think?" So, the half that wanted it to be Chakotay had won. "Come," Tom said, softly, wishing that he was saying this under different circumstances. "Interesting choice of words," the First Officer couldn't help a wry grin. "Yeah," Tom deadpanned back, "I'll just *bet* whoever chose *that* command never thought of the way it could be interpreted. Of course, as rumour has it that it was James T. Kirk, you never know..." "Tom, I didn't come here to trade smutty jokes with you, as much fun as it is. We need to talk, and I know Harry's on duty." "What do we need to talk about, Chakotay? I love Harry. You are involved with Kathryn, and I hope to all the gods that you love her, because she deserves no less." "I do love her. But I'm not *in love* with her. I never was. I love her spirit, and her courage, and her beauty, but I don't love her with my heart and soul. I wish I did, but I think *that* part of me was lost a long time ago. About...four years." Tom couldn't help a gasp of shock, "That long?" "Yes and no. The sexual attraction has been there that long. Hell, Tom, don't *tell* me you didn't feel it too, because I remember that kiss as well as you do." "The night before I was captured..." Tom couldn't continue. "Yes. Then you said that you wished we could do more, but you didn't want to make things between me and...Seska awkward. But if I still felt the same after you came back, maybe we could talk..." "And then I got sent off to that delightful little place in New Zealand, to be used and abused by more of the lower end of society than I care to mention, while you were doing what I wanted to be doing, and resenting me." "Gods, Tom, I still regret that, you know. I had no idea until I saw those records..." "When did you see them?" "Not long after this whole thing started. It was after that...incident." "Which incident?" Chakotay half-smiled at that, he *had* been rather vague. "The one with the Baneans. I was looking to see if I could find anything that might help with your defense, and I went over all of your records." "You didn't say anything..." "I was too shocked. To know what you had endured, which was so far from what I thought. And I still didn't know what I *really* felt. I thought it might still just be attraction. You know that is a very large part of it." "For me, too. I sometimes wonder, if we *had* had the chance to do something about that attraction, maybe we wouldn't be in this position now." "We can't know. But I think it would stilll have been there." "I think it would always be there, in one form or another. Whether we actively hated each other, or were so indifferent it seemed there was nothing going on, or whether we admitted it, but fell in love with other people, something would always be there. It could take the form of friendship, love, or even downright hatred, but you and I would *never* not have some kind of connection." "So, here we are." "Yes. We can't do anything about it, either. I don't *want* to do anything about it. I don't want to hurt Kathryn." "What about Harry?" "I think Harry would understand. But I don't want to test that, either. And Kathryn doesn't deserve *either* of us cheating on her." "No, she doesn't," Chakotay agreed, "Well, there's only one thing I can do." "What's that?" "Make a commitment to her. Marriage, if she'll agree to it, or a formal contract if she won't. Because I know damn well that that's the only way I'll be able to put...whatever we might have had...behind me." "Then do it, Chakotay. Because we *can't* have more than the knowledge. I wish we could, but I'm not about to hurt two of the three people who mean the most to me in this life." "I know. And I don't want to hurt them, either," Chakotay got up to leave, and Tom put out a hand to stop him. "What?" Tom didn't answer in words. He drew Chakotay closer to him, and kissed him, once, deeply. Chakotay responded, but tore himself away. "No more, Tom. I can't take it." "Neither can I. Friends?" "Always. Maybe it'll be easier, this way." "Maybe. Sandrine's tonight? Pool?" "Yes, of course. Have I ever missed a game?" "No, you haven't. You know, this was one of the times I always looked forward to. Remember Tuvix?" and they shared a smile. Soon after Chakotay left, Tom headed out of the door, almost late for duty. The day was quiet, and Kathryn Janeway spent most of her time in her ready room. After the meal break, Chakotay handed control of the bridge to Tuvok, exchanged a significant glance with Tom, and walked into the ready room. "Chakotay," Kathryn was startled, slightly, she'd been thinking of Harry, making a journal entry, as she often did when she needed to talk about her feelings for the ensign, feelings that she knew would never be returned "Kathryn, I have something to ask you. Please don't say no immediately." "What is it, t'hy'la?" T'hy'la had been the endearment they had chosen to use, it meant friend and lover, and didn't have meanings that they did not feel. "I love you," Chakotay said, knowing that he meant it, one way, and was lying in another. "And I love you," Kathryn said, on the same thought. "I want a formal commitment. Marriage, if you agree, a contract if you don't." Kathryn knew that this moment would come, and she had made her decision long ago. "Marriage. It feels more right than a contract. And besides," she smiled, "We have to set the proper example for the crew." "Of course," Chakotay smiled, and kissed Kathryn. So it was done. His life was arranged. Not the way he would have wished, but it would be a good life, and a happy one. --- That evening, he told Tom. The blue eyes had shadowed for a moment, but he had congratulated him, and the formal announcement would be made later that night, when Kathryn was here too. The pool game was no different from any of fifty they had played before, and soon it became less a game, and more an opportunity for conversation. The removal of the veil over their feelings had enabled a more honest, open channel of communication. "You know, Chakotay," Tom said, as they racked the balls again, out of earshot of anyone else, "I have almost everything I ever wanted. I love Harry, and I have you as someone closer than a friend, yet not a lover. I think that once the adjustment is done, we'll have something very special." "I agree, Tom. It's a relationship I don't think there is a name for." "Missed opportunity, perhaps." "Meant to be, though. I think if we'd been meant to be together any other way, we would have been." "Maybe. Anyway, I think Jerron and Vorik are looking impatient for the table." "Vorik?" "Well...as much as a Vulcan *can* look impatient," Tom grinned. Tom and Chakotay moved to join their partners at separate tables. "How did it go?" Harry asked. "Better than I thought. I think we'll be friends, after the hormonal stuff dies down." "I'm glad. I think you'll both bring something to each other that I can't bring to you, and Kathryn can't bring to Chakotay." "You're so *calm* about all this. If it were me, I don't think I could be." "I know that you love me. Anything else, I can handle, because I know that that is the first thing you and I both think of." Tom leaned over and kissed Harry, not a deep, prelude-to-lovemaking kiss, but an I-love-you-for-understanding-and-accepting kiss. "Nice as this is, I don't think we want to put on a show of this kind. We might show up the announcement." "Yeah, right. Half the ship has been betting on this since we got stranded out here. I think Chell is going to be much poorer in rations after tonight." Harry noticed the Commander standing up out of the corner of his eye. "Here it comes. Ready?" "As I'll ever really be." Chakotay glanced at Tom for a moment, before clearing his throat and tapping on a glass to get the attention of the room. "I have an announcement to make," he smiled at the couples and groups around the holographic bar, "Captain Janeway and I have decided to make a formal commitment to each other. She has agreed to become my wife." Kathryn glanced briefly over at Harry, so briefly that it was undetectable, then rose to join her fiance. There was a flurry of congratulations, then Tom spoke. "I want to play a piece of music that Harry and I have been working on for a while. It was our second choice for Talent Night, and we want to dedicate our first public performance of it to your marriage, Captain." "Thank you Tom," Kathryn whispered, wishing that Harry and she were the ones being honoured. Tom began to play. I thought that dreams belonged to other men 'Cause each time I got close They'd fall apart again I feared my heart would beat in secrecy I faced the nights alone Oh, how could I have known That all my life I only needed you Whoa-oa Almost Paradise We're knocking on heaven's door Almost Paradise How could we ask for more? I swear that I can see forever in your eyes Paradise... It seems like perfect love's so hard to find I'd almost given up You must have read my mind And all these dreams I saved for a rainy day They're finally comin' true I'll share them all with you Now we hold the future in our hands Whoa-oa Almost Paradise We're knocking on heaven's door Almost Paradise How could we ask for more? I swear that I can see forever in your eyes Paradise... And in your arms salvation's not so far away We're getting closer, closer every day Whoa-oa Almost Paradise We're knocking on heaven's door Almost Paradise How could we ask for more? I swear that I can see forever in your eyes Paradise... "Almost paradise, almost what we want most," ran through four minds, as the song finished. Then Kathryn and Chakotay left to make wedding arrangements, while Tom and Harry left to go back to their quarters. --- The End