The BLTS Archive- American Pie: If Tomorrow Never Comes by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- DISCLAIMER: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager, and everything you recognise belongs to Paramount. I'm just playing with them for a little while (and doing things with them that Paramount can't or won't). They can have them back when I've finished (unless they want to come up with an arrangement about Tom or Chakotay ;-)) The songs If Tomorrow Never Comes and Tainted Love are copyrighted by Garth Brooks and Soft Cell. Songbird is copyrighted by Kenny G. COPYRIGHT Joanne Collins June 1997 I knew these series would converge sooner or later . This is a continuation of my American Pie series, and it's also part of my Garth Brooks series, using one of my favourites of his songs. This story takes place about three weeks after the events in my story The One, directly following the episode The Swarm. Adrienne, here is the follow-up to the J/C teaser in The One . Part of this story was inspired by a comment made in a post on Treksmut, PWPs and Emotional Subtext. It was that a particular obstacle had only been (apparently) used once in Trek fanfic. I thought it might be interesting to see how Tom coped with this particular obstacle, particularly considering how he is generally presented both in canon and fanfic. I claim to be no expert on this particular problem, and therefore have no idea if it really is like this. Also some material that may be disturbing, involving m/m rape. Explicit sex is also herein, m/m and m/f, if you can't deal with that, or shouldn't read this kind of thing (ie, are under eighteen), leave now. The American Pie series (How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, American Pie, The One and True Love Call) is archived at R'Rain's wonderful slash archive, and may, by the time this story is posted, be on the ASC archive. It would really help to read the other stories first, except for True Love Call which technically takes place AFTER this story, but as it's a PWP, that doesn't really matter (at least that's what I think). Comments and feedback of all kinds (except flames) are most welcome (and craved). This is part of an unrelated series of stories, mostly Trek crossovers, based on Garth Brooks' album The Hits, and one from No Fences. Some will be slash, some not. It is not necessary to have read any of the other stories in the series, although one or two may have sequels, or be sequels to other stories. Posted so far: The Dance. Voyager/DS9 crossover. Chakotay/Sisko. A Debt Repaid (We Shall Be Free). Voyager/Sentinel crossover. Chakotay/Blair. Shameless: Voyager/TNG crossover. Paris/Hawk ASC archive: Yes. BLTS: Yes. R'Rain's archive: Yes. Anywhere else (except personal use, sharing with friends, etc): Ask first! I'll probably say yes. Set as I said above, just after The Swarm. If my memory hasn't failed me, they're still in Swarm space. You know, those two eps were pretty traumatic for poor Tom, it's no wonder the poor boy has a...reaction to all that, really. Angst and mush warnings apply. Dedicated to Kamin for the following words: To all my fellow slash writers on ASC and ASCE. Don't let anyone tell you what you write is implausible or invalid, or somehow sick. Thank you, Kamin. --- If tomorrow never comes Will he know how much I loved him Did I try in every way to show him every day That he's my only one Garth Brooks, If Tomorrow Never Comes --- Tom was lying in bed, unable to sleep. He didn't want to get up, because he might wake Harry, but just lying here was driving him crazy. He looked out the window, unable to see anything but stars from this position, and wondered if Ayalla was coping all right at conn. If he could, until they were out of this area of space, he'd be at the conn 24 hours a day. But there was no way Captain Janeway would allow that, even if he were physically capable. Tom sighed, and turned over again, trying to get into a more comfortable position without waking Harry. This new position made him able to see Harry, in the faint glow of the stars, and, as he did every time he looked at Harry, he felt a wave of love wash over him. This wonderful, special man, who had stood by him even when warned off him, who had been a friend to him when he'd needed one desperately, who he'd fallen in love with soon after they had met, and who had finally returned those feelings. Tom wondered if Harry really knew how Tom felt about him. Oh, he knew Harry knew that he loved him, that their sex life was incredible, but did Harry know how deeply committed Tom was? And was Harry as deeply committed? It disturbed Tom that he didn't really know the answers to these questions, especially following the narrow escape he and B'Elanna had had a couple of weeks before. He'd nearly died after an encounter with the aliens who inhabited this area of space, and ever since, he'd wondered what it would really have meant to Harry if he had. He knew Harry would mourn him, but for how long? The length of time you mourn a friend, a temporary lover, or the love of your life? He would mourn Harry forever if he died, he had thought more than once on this journey that he would have to, but would Harry really know how he felt if he didn't tell him, in a way that Harry couldn't possibly misinterpret? Musing on these thoughts, Tom fell asleep. The alarm woke Tom a few hours later, and he groaned, as he usually did. Tom was most definitely NOT a morning person, he wasn't on duty today, and lying awake last night hadn't helped. He opened his eyes reluctantly, only to find himself looking deeply into the brown depths of Harry's eyes. "Morning, love," Harry said, kissing Tom. "Morning," replied Tom, feeling a little less reluctant, Harry was a much better sight to wake up to than the ceiling. He moaned as Harry deepened the kiss, and pressed against his lover. Then he realised that he wasn't having the usual...reaction to Harry. He pulled back slightly, and Harry looked at him with concern. "What's wrong, Tom? Usually by now, you're reaching for the lube..." Harry trailed off as he brushed against Tom's unresponsive groin. "Yeah, Harry, I usually am. But then again, I'm usually ready for you by now." "Tom, it's all right, you must still be tired, or something." "Harry, we both know that even if I'm exhausted, I have the same reaction to you. Dammit, this has NEVER happened to me before, even at times that I've wished that it would." "Are you feeling okay? You know, physically? You're not sick, or anything like that?" Harry looked concerned, and reached a hand out to touch Tom's forehead. "Oh, Harry, I wish it were that easy. No, I'm fine, physically." "Tom, maybe you should see The Doctor." "I'm not sick, Harry!" "I know, Tom," Harry looked hurt, but continued, "But maybe there's something wrong that you don't know about. I heard that this sometimes just happens, anyway." "Not to me," Tom muttered, under his breath. Part of the problem, was, of course, that Tom had a very good idea of what the problem was, he just didn't want to say it out loud, or even think it. Tom turned away from Harry, and buried his head in the pillow. Harry slipped his arms around Tom, who tried to pull away, but Harry wouldn't let him. "It's all right, Tom. Please believe me." "Harry, please could you leave me alone for a while? I need to process this. I'm not rejecting you, I just need to sort this out by myself before I can talk to you about it." Harry reluctantly let go of Tom, and climbed out of bed, heading for the bathroom to shower. Tom decided that as he wasn't on duty, he might just stay here all day. It would save him from having to face Harry again, he thought, and called for the lights to be dimmed. He was still exhausted, and was asleep moments later. "Pretty, ain't he?" "I wonder what he'd taste like?" "Would he be any good with his hands?" Tom could hear the voices of the other two prisoners, but he didn't pay much attention. He had been brought to the prison in New Zealand only the day before, and he was just trying to concentrate on the job he'd been given, not wanting to think about the utter mess he'd managed to make of his life. Suddenly one of the men who'd been talking came over to him, pulled him up, and brutally attached his lips to Tom's. Tom was disgusted, and pulled back immediately, throwing a punch at the other man, even though he outweighed Tom by a good sixty pounds. That wasn't a good move, the other man became incensed, and began pounding on Tom, making sure that he didn't mark his face. Tom didn't understand why, not then. "Please, don't," Tom managed to gasp between punches. "Oh, do you hear that? The admiral's brat of a traitor says please. If you do that for me, I'll stop, what do you say?" Tom looked around for help, but none seemed to be about to miraculously appear. With great reluctance, although he'd done this before, it had always been with someone he was attracted to, he remembered a few encounters at the Academy, briefly, there had been that medical student, Julian, and that pilot, whose first name he'd never learned, only his last, Hawk, he sucked the other prisoner's erection into his mouth. He hated the smell of the other man, and sucked as quickly as he could, emembering a trick that had helped him a lot with other lovers, he flicked his tongue firmly but quickly over the head of the other man's penis. "Not so fast, pretty boy. I want this slow and easy...Uhhh," he grunted as Tom slowed down his attentions. The other man moved in behind Tom, pulling off his jumpsuit. Tom started as the cool air hit his body, then screamed in pain as the other man roughly pushed a finger inside him, adding a second and third, then after a moment, pulling them out again, then thrust into Tom with no warning. Tom, who had been using his hands on the other man, screamed more loudly, and felt his flesh tear as the other prisoner pushed himself inside him. It was quick, and that was the only good thing Tom could say about it, the man inside him thrust six or seven times, and spent himself inside Tom. The other man continued to pump in and out of Tom's mouth, saying, "Oh, yeah, I like your pretty face, that's why I didn't mark it up, you know. I love fucking your pretty mouth, boy. I want to do this every day, to you. You're mine now, pretty boy, mine," and then he climaxed in Tom's mouth. Tom couldn't move, as the prisoners just left him there, he faded into unconsciousness. The next thing he knew, he was in the prison hospital. The doctor healed his physical wounds, but the emotional wounds would always be with him. A few days later, one of the guards wanted Tom to continue the work he'd been doing. When he'd protested, the guard had offered him an alternative: If he'd sleep with the guard, who was reasonably attractive, and a lot cleaner than the prisoners who'd attacked him, he'd make sure that Tom wasn't attacked again. Tom had chosen the lesser of the two evils, reasoning that if it was going to happen, at least with the guard he'd be in one piece when he got out of prison. It hadn't been all that bad, Tom would think later, at least he'd been treated with a little respect and even some passion by the guard. But he never thought of it as anything but survival, even if he had surprised himself by occasionally enjoying sex with the guard. He was lying in the guard's bed, after sex, when he felt a hand shaking him, and he looked to see the prisoners from the first day there again, and he screamed at the memory..... And woke up to find himself in his darkened cabin, with Harry leaning over him, looking concerned. Harry's hair was still damp from the shower, and he hadn't dressed, he only had a towel wrapped around him. Tom screamed again, then realised that he wasn't back there, he was on Voyager, and that he'd had a flashback. "Tom!" Harry shouted at him. "Yeah, Harry, I-I'm here." "What WAS that?" "A nightmare. One that really happened." "A flashback?" "Yeah." "Tom, you have to see The Doctor. Not being able to...to make love is one thing, but this could affect your work. Could it be because of Akritiria?" "Maybe," Tom admitted, "I know I've been thinking about New Zealand more since then. I hadn't had a nightmare in over a year before this one." Harry wasn't surprised that Tom had had nightmares after prison, he'd have been more surprised if he hadn't. He tapped his communicator. "Kim to sickbay." "What is it, Harry?" came Kes' voice. "NO! I will not talk about this with Kes there. Please, Harry." "Kes, can Tom see The Doctor alone at all today?" "I'm just on my way to the airponics bay. Now would be a good time." "Thank you, Kes. Computer, two to beam directly to sickbay." In a moment, the two young men materialised in sickbay, and that was when Harry remembered that neither of them was actually dressed, and Tom was naked. Luckily, as Kes had promised, they were alone except for The Doctor. "I am going to assume that there IS some sort of medical emergency, and that is why Lieutenant Paris is naked in my sickbay," the holographic doctor began. "Sorry, Doc. I was so worried about Tom that I forgot to put clothes on either of us before ordering the transport." "Hmm, your concern is touching, Ensign, but you can explain it to Commander Chakotay who is going to be here in thirty minutes for a physical." "I'll be all right, Harry. You have to go on duty soon, anyway." "I don't want to leave you, Tom." "Harry, go. I'll let you know all about it, later." "Okay, but if there's a serious problem..." "I will call you if that is the case, Ensign," replied The Doctor. "All right," Harry said, reluctantly, and beamed back to his cabin. "Now, Mr Paris, what seems to be the problem?" "Which one?" Tom asked bitterly. "There is more than one? Well, then, start at the beginning." So Tom told the Doctor about his problem of that morning, and about the nightmare that had followed it. The Doctor immediately began scanning Tom, to eliminate the possible physical causes for his difficulties. He found nothing, and just as he finished the last scan, Chakotay entered the sickbay, humming to himself. "Tom? Are you all right?" "Physically, the Lieutenant is fine," said The Doctor, answering for Tom, "but it is times like this that I wish that we had a counselor on board." "I may be able to help." "How?" asked both Tom and The Doctor. "I have had some training in psychology. Before I started on the command track, I was considering becoming a counselor...I'd be willing to do whatever I can to help." "If you would, Commander, that would be the best thing for the Lieutenant." "What do you think, Tom?" "If you're willing to take me on, I'm willing to be taken on," Tom said, matter-of-factly. "Well, I need to take this physical, but how about after that? I don't think it will take long, will it, Doctor?" "If you wish, you may postpone it until a later time. Would 1600 hours be convenient?" "Yes, it would. Well, Tom, do you want to talk here?" "I'd rather go to my quarters." "Then that's what we'll do," and he ordered the computer to beam them to Tom's quarters. "Can I get you anything?" asked Tom, indicating the replicator, as he walked into his bedroom to slip on some clothes, instead of the sickbay pyjamas The Doctor had supplied him with. "No, thank you. Now, Tom," Chakotay began as Tom came out of the bedroom dressed in a casual shirt and trousers, "What's going on?" "Chakotay, this morning, Harry and I were...making love...and I...couldn't." "Couldn't what?" "Couldn't make love to him. I couldn't..." "Oh. Do you have any idea what the problem is?" "Kind of. I thought it was one thing, but now I think it might be another. Let me start at the beginning." "As someone once said, a very good place to start." "Chakotay, I'm trying to tell you something very private and personal, and you quote literature at me?" "Sorry, Tom. Go on," he said, looking at him encouragingly. "Last night, I started thinking about how I feel about Harry, and wondering just how he feels about me. I know he loves me, and that our...lovemaking is wonderful, but is that all there is? If I were to die tomorrow, how long would he mourn me? Would I be forgotten by next month, or next year? But then I had a flashback this morning. I've had one or two since Akritiria, I'm not really surprised at that, so I don't know if it's involved with that, either." "Tom, I think it might be a combination of the two. You had those thoughts, and they made you unable to make love. Then you went to sleep thinking of that, and those thoughts might have brought up issues about prison, and bad times. So you had a particularly nasty flashback." "So what does all this mean?" "Tom, have you thought about how you want to prove your feelings to Harry?" "Oh, yes," Tom's face literally glowed, "I want to marry him. I think that would be something definite." "It certainly would be. What else can I do but wish you luck? And remember, Tom, if you ever need to talk, I'm here," Chakotay clasped Tom's hand, and remembered a time when he would have given anything to be the one Tom wanted to marry, and without thinking, reached foward and kissed Tom on the lips. Tom responded, briefly, then pulled back, looking astonished. "What was that?" "Tom, I just had to do that once, before you asked Harry. I've wanted to do that ever since I first met you. There was a time I considered talking to you about it, but there were too many other complications, and then you told me about your feelings for Harry, and I fell in love with Kathryn. But I had to, just once, know what it was like to kiss you." Tom looked at him, and thought of a time that he'd have led Chakotay into the bedroom, slipped his uniform off, and laid down with him. He'd had feelings for Chakotay as well, but after all they'd been through, it had seemed too complicated. Maybe in another time, another place, a parallel universe, they might have had a chance. But Tom was in love with Harry, and Chakotay was in love with Kathryn Janeway. "Maybe another time, another place, we might have worked things out, Chakotay. But it wasn't meant to be in this universe. And I hope that I can always consider you a friend." "Always, Tom. And I agree, maybe there is a parallel universe out there where we did work things out. I'd like to think so." "So would I," Tom smiled. "Maybe I should do something as definite for Kathryn. Then maybe she'd take me seriously." "Chakotay, are you and the Captain having problems?" "Trying to counsel your counselor?" "Just wanting to help a friend." "I don't think it's a problem, exactly. I want to take the relationship a step further, and I don't know if Kathryn does." "Well, like you said to me, all you can do is ask." "Yes, I guess so. I just...I don't want to lose what we do have by trying to go too fast." "That's what I thought about Harry. It took nearly dying in that prison to make me realise that if you put off saying something to someone you love, you might never get the chance to say it." "Tomorrow might never come?" "That's it!" "That's what?" "How I'm going to propose to Harry." "Well, I'll leave you to it. I have to go and take this physical." "If that kiss was anything to go by, you'll pass with flying colours," Tom grinned at Chakotay. "It never happened, Tom." "No, unfortunately, it didn't. But I wouldn't trade Harry for anything." "And I feel the same way about Kathryn. See you at Sandrine's? Or the resort?" "I think it's Sandrine's tonight. Neelix was saying something about reprogramming part of the resort, or something. And if I have anything to say about it, it'll be Sandrine's. I can't imagine doing what I want to do in the resort program." "If you need help convincing anyone, you know where I am. I can always make it an order." "Thanks, Chakotay. But I don't think that'll be necessary." "I just want you to have everything you want, Tom. You deserve it." Tom was too startled to reply to that comment, and Chakotay left his quarters. --- Chakotay finished in sickbay, and was on the turbolift heading toward his quarters. "Kathryn, will you marry me? No, that's not right, I can't just jump in like that. Kathryn, we need to talk. That might work..." and the lift stopped, "Well, here goes nothing. Except the rest of my life," and with that, Chakotay bypassed his door, and leaned on Kathryn's chime. "Come." Chakotay entered the cabin, and saw that Kathryn was sitting at her desk. "More paperwork?" "Yes, but I've finished." "That's good." "Oh, is it?" Kathryn smiled, and he thought once again that she was the most beautiful woman in the galaxy. He sighed. "What?" "Just...thinking, remembering. Remember the first time we were together?" "The night you followed me out of Tom's cabin? Of course I do." "I knew then." "Knew what?" "Knew that today would come." "What's so special about today?" "Nothing, yet," and Chakotay got down on one knee. "Chakotay, what is this?" "Kathryn Janeway, I love you more than I have ever loved any woman, and it would make me the happiest man in the universe if you would agree to become my wife. Will you marry me?" "Chakotay...I don't know what to say." "Yes?" "Oh, yes. But how can we be married? I can't marry myself, can I?" "I've been...looking into it." An eyebrow edged toward her hairline, "Oh, really?" "Yes, really. And don't tell me you haven't thought about it, or you wouldn't say that you can't marry yourself. Anyway, if a captain wants to marry, and for whatever reason cannot find a higher-ranked officer to perform the ceremony, then the next-highest ranked officer can do the honours." "But that's you. And it's the same problem." "Kathryn, it will be the next-highest ranked officer, to wit, Tuvok." "Tuvok?""Yes. He's the most senior officer, after you and I." "I know, but Tuvok?" "I rather like the idea, Kathryn. And you know that he does approve of us." "Approval of the relationship is one thing. Consenting to marry us is something else entirely." Chakotay decided that there was only one way to put this endless speculation off for a while, and stood up, walked over to the desk, and took Kathryn in his arms. He put a hand under her chin, and tilted her face up, then covered her lips with his. She responded eagerly, her mouth opening to admit his tongue. The kiss seemed to last forever, and he only pulled back when it was necessary to breathe. "Kathryn," it was a groan. "Yes, Chakotay?" "Don't tease me, not now, please." Blatantly disregarding this request, Kathryn nibbled on one of his earlobes, while slipping a hand between his uniform and the turtleneck. She slowly caressed his chest through the thin fabric, finding a nipple, and squeezing, eliciting a moan from her lover. He pulled her closer to him, trapping the hand, and pulling her hips into alignment with his. He gasped as his erection came into contact with her, and even through the layers of cloth he could feel the heat and dampness of her arousal. He reached forward, and began undoing the fastenings of her uniform, while she did the same to his. In a short time the uniforms had been discarded, and they wore only their underclothes. Chakotay's Starfleet issue boxers outlined his straining erection, and Kathryn's lacy undergarments were a secret only she and Chakotay shared. She traced patterns over his chest with a hand, lightly, then more firmly, pinching at a nipple, then she gasped as he unfastened her bra, and gently cupped one of her breasts in his hand, stroking gently over her nipple with his thumb, sending waves of pleasure shooting through her body. The rest of their clothing was discarded quickly, and Chakotay picked Kathryn up, and carried her into the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed, and began exploring her body with his tongue and lips, kissing her neck, biting gently across her shoulders and down her arm, sucking each finger into his mouth. then repeating the process. He made a slow, leisurely journey over her collarbone, then moved to kiss and lick the top of her breast, moving slowly over it, taking the nipple into his mouth, causing waves of pleasure to ripple through her body. "Chakotay, please, take me!" He moved a hand down between her legs, feeling the moist warmth and slickness there. She was ready for him, he knew. He postitioned himself over her, kissing her deeply, and entered her slowly. He thrust into her deeply, and they began the rhythm that they had found together, thrusting together, climbing the wall, and crashing over it together. "Oh, my," she gasped when they were capable of coherent thought again. "Yeah," he grinned that grin that never failed to warm her, "I'll have to propose to you more often, won't I?" "No, you only get one shot at that. But they do say wedding night sex is better," and she smiled at him contentedly. "When do you want to marry me?" "As soon as possible." "If Tuvok agrees, how about next week?" "Only if we can't do it-" she was cut off by the chirp of her communicator. "Tuvok to Janeway." "Janeway here," she said, tapping it. "Captain, there is a large alien ship on long-range sensors. It appears to have weapons trained on us." "I'll be right there. Sorry, Chakotay, we'll have to get back to this later. Or do you want to say next week?" she finished, slipping back into her uniform. "Do you want me to come to the bridge?" "It might be a good idea." "All right, then," and he was out of the bed, pulling his own uniform on. Suddenly the ship lurched underneath them. "All senior officers, report to the bridge," came over the communications system. A few minutes later, Chakotay and Janeway stepped onto the bridge. "Report, Mr Tuvok," Kathryn said. Chakotay was too distracted by the sight of Tom at conn, he hoped that he'd had a chance to rest, to listen to Tuvok's report. "What do you think Commander?" asked Janeway. "I'm sorry, Captain, I was thinking of something else, what was the question?" "Do you think this is the right approach?" and she indicated the onscreen display. Chakotay became immersed in the details of the evasive plan, and put his mind on what was happening now, not the conversation he and Tom had had that morning. The ship continued to fire, but Voyager held it's own, and eventually the ship turned, sending out one final volley of fire as it moved off out of sensor range. Unfortunately, this particular shot found it's mark, and penetrated the shields, causing an overload on some of the circuitry of the ship, including the helm controls. Before anyone realised what was happening, Tom's console blew up in a shower of sparks, catching him before he had a chance to move away. Tom slumped to the deck, unconscious. "TOM!!" Harry shouted and started to move toward him. "Stay at your post, ensign. That is an order," came Tuvok's calm tones. Chakotay was kneeling beside Tom, feeling for a pulse, and calling for an emergency transport to sickbay. A moment later, Tom disappeared in the glimmer of the transporter beam. That was when Harry's senses overloaded, and his body shut down. Chakotay saw his eyelids flutter, and was at his station before he fell over, catching him as he fell. "Should he go to Sickbay?" Kathryn asked. "No, I think it just all got to be too much for him, Kathryn-Captain," he added at her look. No matter the situation, even with the fact of their engagement, she was still The Captain on the bridge, especially at a time like this. "W-what happened - Tom?" Harry looked at Chakotay, who was supporting him. "He's in sickbay. Are you all right?" "I'm fine. It just....hit me, and I wasn't prepared." "I don't think anyone's prepared to see the person they love in a situation like Tom's," replied Chakotay, reassuringly..."But you know The Doctor will do all he can." "What if that's not enough, Commander?" "It has to be, Harry. You love him, don't you?" "Of course I do! I thought everyone knew that." "Harry, Tom doesn't. Not for sure. I shouldn't tell you this, he told me in confidence, but I think that you need to know this. Captain, do you need Mr Kim or myself on the bridge at the moment?" "No, Commander. Do you wish to go to Sickbay?" "Yes." "Go ahead. But please, let me know how Lieutenant Paris is doing." "Of course, Captain," and Chakotay took Harry by the arm, leading him toward the turbolift. As soon as the lift doors closed, Harry turned to Chakotay. "What do you mean, Tom doesn't know how I feel about him? Commander, I would die for him!" "Harry, I'm sure you would. I think that Tom is just feeling...unsure. He loves you so much, he's afraid that it won't last." "Oh, Tom," Harry said, with such a look of devastation on his face that Chakotay knew that Tom had been worrying for nothing. "Harry, it will be all right." "If Tom is. Commander, what if he isn't? What if he..." Chakotay couldn't answer. He didn't tell Harry that he hadn't felt a pulse when he was attending to Tom earlier, it was the last thing he needed to hear now. The lift stopped, and he realised that they had arrived. The two men walked down the hall, mentally preparing themselves for what they might find in sickbay. As the doors opened, the sight that greeted them was the last one they expected. Sickbay was a study in controlled chaos. There were several crewmembers with minor injuries, and Kes and The Doctor were working non-stop. So was Tom. He was attending to Samantha Wildman, who appeared to have injured her wrist. Just as he finished bandaging it, he noticed Harry and Chakotay. Harry looked completely incredulous, and Chakotay wasn't much less shocked. "What's wrong, guys? Anyone would think you'd never seen me do anything medical." Harry recovered enough to speak, "Tom, you're all right?" Tom realised what the problem was, "Gods, love, I'm sorry. It just turned out to be a mild electric shock. I should have let you know, but the minute Doc finished with me, the casualties started coming in, and he asked me to stay and help." "That's all right, love. I'm just glad that you're okay." "More than okay. Thanks to Chakotay," he smiled over at the First Officer. "Lieutenant, are Ensign Kim or Commander Chakotay injured?" The Doctor asked, crisply. "No, Doctor." "Then please help someone who IS injured, Lieutenant. You can gossip, or whisper sweet nothings to Ensign Kim later." Tom reddened, and turned back to his work, Geron had injured his ankle, and Tom ran a regenerator over it. Harry and Chakotay exchanged glances, and set to work, doing what they could to help. Several hours later, the casualties had dwindled to a trickle...The Doctor was the only member of the group who didn't look exhausted. "Lieutenant, Commander, Ensign, Kes. My prescription for you, now we have this situation under control, is an evening of relaxation. Please leave sickbay now, and enjoy yourselves." "Join us at Sandrine's later, Doc?" Tom asked. "I would be very pleased to. But not before 2100 hours. You all need rest, and something to eat before then." "Doctor's orders?" asked Chakotay, with a twinkle in his eye. "Yes," said The Doctor, completely serious. The three men and Kes exited sickbay, heading for the turbolift. A few minutes later, Harry and Tom were in Harry's quarters. Harry grabbed Tom by the shoulders, and kissed him deeply. "Harry," Tom gasped, wrenching his lips from his lover's. "Tom Paris, what am I going to do with you? You seriously doubt my feelings for you? Tom, I've NEVER loved anyone the way I love you." Tom blushed, "Chakotay told you?" "I thought you were dying, Tom. Chakotay realised how I felt, and told me. How could you doubt me?" he asked, and the look on his face was so anguished, Tom felt like he'd kicked him. "I don't think it's you that I doubt, Harry. It's life. Every time something good happens, something bad takes it away. My father's love, my Starfleet career, my freedom, even flying Voyager at one point. I guess I just expect you to be the next thing that gets screwed up." "I won't, Tom. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." "But what if I do, Harry? What if I die? What if you die? It's happened before, you know." "I know," Harry said, remembering that he'd come from another Voyager onto this one, "But right now is all we're guaranteed...Anything COULD happen, even though we hope it won't. So we enjoy the now, and hope for a later, together. That's all we can do." "When did you become a philosopher, Harry Kim?" Tom grinned at him playfully. "Probably when we got stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant," Harry replied, seriously. "I love you. No matter how many times I'll say it to you, it'll never be enough." "Yes, it will, Tom. Because every time you say it, I store the memory, and replay it later. So you don't say it once, you say it countless times...Now, I have to practice, that's why we're in my quarters and not yours, remember?" Tom settled back in the chair, legs tucked under him, and said, "Practice, then. You have an appreciative audience right here." Harry smiled, and picked up his clarinet, running through the usual scales, and short, easy pieces that he always started with. Then he looked into Tom's eyes, and said, "Tom, this piece of music always makes me think of you," and he began playing a haunting, beautiful melody, that Tom didn't know, but responded to. By the time the last notes were played, Tom was openly crying...Harry put the clarinet carefully in its case, then moved over to take his lover into his arms...Tom's sobs eventually quieted, and Harry lifted his face up to look into his eyes. "What, love?" "I...it was just so beautiful, Harry. And it makes you think of me?" "Always, love...It's called Songbird. It's a very old piece, from the twentieth century." "Songbird?" "Yes, Tom." "Oh, Harry," Tom kissed him, lightly, but the emotions behind it were enough to rock Harry to the core. Harry kissed Tom back, more deeply, and they tightened their arms around each other. "Harry?" "Yes, Tom?" "You remember that...problem from this morning?" "Sure. Oh, you're not still..." "No, Harry," and Tom moved against him, "I think that is one problem that won't be bothering us tonight." Harry smiled, and pulled Tom up, slipping the uniform off him, Tom doing the same for him, until they were both naked. Harry smiled and looked at Tom, he was most certainly recovered from this morning, and Harry wrapped a hand around Tom's erection, causing Tom's knees to buckle, and Tom collapsed against him, nearly knocking them both to the floor. "Bedroom," Harry gasped, as Tom's lips found his nipples, gently biting and sucking. "The couch is closer..." "So it is. But I'm NOT doing this on the...ohhh...floor, Tom." Tom released him with a grin, and led him over to the couch, stopping on the way to retrieve a tube of lubricant that they must have left on the desk the last time they'd made love on it. Harry smiled at that memory, then gasped as Tom began kissing him again, running his hands over his naked flesh, tracing his back muscles, feathering up and down his spine, dipping lower, touching his buttocks, slipping one finger inside his body, squeezing some lubricant onto his fingers, stretching and preparing Harry in the slow, loving way that they always prepared each other for lovemaking. There was no place for pain in their lovemaking, except of course for the occasional bruises caused by an overenthusiastic kiss or bite, but neither of them thought of that as pain, more a marking of the other as theirs. But pain was still too near a memory for Tom to ever be arousing to either of them. Tom continued his task, kissing Harry deeply as he prepared himself to enter Harry's body. Tom lay Harry on his back, and Harry pulled his knees back. Tom kissed his fingertips, and entered him slowly, centimetre by centimetre, until he was buried in Harry's tight warmth. He then slowly began to thrust in and out, finding the rhythm they had established almost from their first night together, reaching a hand between them to grasp Harry's erection. Harry jerked upwards at Tom's touch, joining them more completely, and it took only a few strokes of Tom's hand before Harry was coming, sticky semen shooting all over both of them...Harry's orgasm triggered Tom's, and he exploded deep inside Harry, screaming his name. Tom slowly withdrew from Harry, who immediately put his arms around Tom, drawing him close to him. Both men were still warm from the lovemaking, and Tom loved the feel of Harry's warmth under his cheek as he laid his head on Harry's chest. "Tom, that was...incredible. I mean, it always is, but this was wonderful." "I love you, Harry." "I love you, too. Do you believe me now?" "I told you, Harry, it's not your love that I doubted, it's life. But I think now that I'll be able to cope with it. At least I know that you're not going anywhere unless you don't have a say in it." "Speaking of going somewhere, don't you think we should take a shower and get ready for Sandrine's?" "Yes, we most definitely should get ready for Sandrine's," Tom said with a secretive smile. Harry wondered what Tom was thinking, but knew that he'd tell him when he was ready. So Harry just followed Tom into the bathroom, where they took a shower together, to save water. Or at least that was Tom's story. --- Tom and Harry entered the holodeck an hour later, having eaten at the Mess Hall first. Kes had been there and Tom had sworn that she knew what he was planning. Maybe he'd talked while he was unconscious? But he soon forgot about that when Harry spoke to him, asking him if there was something wrong. He'd replied that of course there wasn't, he was just a little distracted. That was a good word for it, he thought, looking at Harry...There was a distraction in itself, Harry dressed in his tightest jeans, with a green shirt that make his skin glow even more golden. Tom wore jeans as well, not so tight as Harry's, and a blue shirt that Harry had insisted he wear. Tom had complied, laughingly saying that he was "under the thumb." Harry had threatened to show him how that was true, but they'd remembered that they were meeting B'Elanna, Geron, Kathryn and Chakotay, so they managed to pull themselves together. "Tom, Harry, over here," called B'Elanna, waving. They made their way through the crowd, stopping to talk to Samantha Wildman and Dalby, who were sitting at a secluded table, obviously not eager to join the crowd, and to The Doctor, who was playing bartender. He served them syntheholic beer, and made a remark about "being a doctor, not a cocktail shaker," when asked by a crewmember to make a daquiri. They eventually found their way to the table, where the rest of their group was sitting. "Tom, I'm so glad you weren't hurt," said Kathryn, smiling. "I swear, Captain, I thought these two were going to collapse when they saw me treating patients instead of being treated." "Well, Captain, I can tell you that he is just as talented in the medical area as he is in flying," Geron said, shyly. He was still a little nervous around Captain Janeway, even after almost three years. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea not to train Tom as a field medic," teased Kathryn, and the entire table burst out laughing at the expression on Tom's face at that comment. When the others had quieted, Chakotay looked at Kathryn, and asked, "Now?" She nodded, "Now." "Tom, Harry, B'Elanna, Geron. I have a very important announcement to make." Tom and Chakotay exchanged a glance, and Tom gave him a surreptitious thumbs up. Chakotay continued, "I've asked Kathryn to marry me, and she has, for some strange reason, said yes." The table erupted into a flurry of congratulations, which attracted the attention of the entire room, and then the general announcement had to be made. After the excitement had died down a little, Chakotay walked into the middle of the room, and requested a holographic guitar. Tom immediately asked for the pool table to be replaced by the piano at Chakotay's significant glance at him. Chakotay began by saying, "This is how I felt Kathryn and my relationship was doomed to be," and he began playing the chords of a song from the ninteen-eighties. Sometimes I feel I've got to run away I've got to get away From the pain you drive into the heart of me The love we share Seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night Once I ran to you Now I run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you Take my tears and that's not living Oh, tainted love Oh, oh tainted love Now I know I've got to run away I've got to get away You don't really want any more from me To make things right You need someone to hold you tight And you think love is to prey But I'm sorry I don't prey that way Once I ran to you Now I run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you Take my tears and that's not living Oh, tainted love Oh, oh tainted love Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you though you hurt me so Now I'm gonna pack my things and go Tainted love, tainted love.... Touch me baby tainted love.... Tainted love, tainted love.... With a grin, Chakotay added, "I don't feel this way now, obviously," and Kathryn laughed delightedly. After a moment of whispered consultation, Chakotay went back to sit next to his fiancee, while Tom remained at the piano. "Harry, this one, as always, is for you, my love," and Tom began to play. Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch him sleeping He's lost in peaceful dreams So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark And the thought crosses my mind If I never wake up in the morning Would he ever doubt the way I feel About him in my heart If tomorrow never comes Will he know how much I loved him Did I try in every way to show him every day That he's my only one And if my time on earth were through And he must face the world without me Is the love I gave him in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes 'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life Who never knew how much I loved them Now I live with the regret That my true feelings for them never were revealed So I made a promise to myself To say each day how much he means to me And avoid that circumstance Where there's no second chance to tell him how I feel If tomorrow never comes Will he know how much I loved him Did I try in every way to show him every day That he's my only one And if my time on earth were through And he must face the world without me Is the love I gave him in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes So tell that someone that you love Just what you're thinking of If tomorrow never comes Harry was crying by the end of the song, finally understanding Tom's insecurities about their relationship, trying to think of some way to reassure him, when he became aware of Tom's arms around him. "Hey," Tom said, "I didn't mean for it to affect you like this," and his arms tightened around the man he loved. "I'm sorry, Tom, I just realised what it was that you were trying to say to me...That song is beautiful." "It is, isn't it? It's another very old song, that always makes me think of you, love." Harry smiled through the tears, "I'm flattered." "Oh, most songs do that, but that one is special. It sums up all my feelings for you. Harry," his voice turned serious, and he glanced around and noticed that they were alone at the table. B'Elanna and Geron had restored the pool table, and were engaged in a friendly game, and Kathryn and Chakotay were talking with Tuvok at the bar. "Harry," he said again, "I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. Will you marry me?" Harry gasped in shock, but recovered quickly, "YES!" he shouted. There were a few startled glances in their direction, and Chakotay called to Tom, "Are more congratulations in order?" Tom blushed, and nodded, unable to speak past the lump of emotion in his throat. He reached over and kissed Harry, feeling the connection between them, started so long ago in a bar on Deep Space Nine, that had led them to this moment. "Meant to be," he whispered to Harry. "Yes, my love, always," Harry replied. They were suddenly encircled by friends, receiving hugs from everyone, Samantha Wildman, B'Elanna, Geron, Dalby, Chakotay, Henley, Kes and the rest. Chakotay took Tom aside. "Will you stand up for me and Kathryn, Tom? She's asking B'Elanna." "Of course I will, Chakotay," and Tom looked at him, a little wistfully, thinking of lost opportunities, but knowing that what had happened was what was meant to be. "I know," Chakotay whispered, and Tom knew that he did, and that he felt the same slight regrets that he did, but also that he knew that this was what was right. "Will you stand up for Harry and I, Chakotay. It seems...right, that it should be you." "Yes, of course I will. When are you planning your wedding?" "I think that I should discuss THAT with Harry first, don't you?" "Of course. I wish you all the happiness you deserve, Tom." "And I wish you the same, Chakotay. Now, go to the woman you love, and celebrate. I intend to do the same with Harry." And Tom walked over to join Harry, and Chakotay turned to find Kathryn waiting for him by the door. --- The End.