The BLTS Archive- All This Time by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. All This Time is written by Tommy Lee James and Greg Guildry. It's sung by Reba McEntire on her album If You Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, CPSG, ASC/EM only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. A happier anniversary story than the last one. This story is a sequel to Heart Hush, which was recently posted to CPSG, BLTS and ASC/EM. Strangely enough, I never intended to write a sequel to Heart Hush, and I didn't start this story with that intention. But as I started to write, the connections came to me almost unconsciously, and this story became a sequel to Heart Hush. Part of this story was inspired by a thread on CPSG. Thanks to my listfamily for the inspiration. This story takes place during the fifth year of Voyager's journey. And I don't know why it's seven years. It's just what Tom said ;-). Dedicated to those of us who are still hopeless romantics at heart. --- I remember the first time... I held you all night long... --- Gods, where do the years go? Seven years since the first time I made love to Chakotay. Seven years since the first time we spent the whole night together. And the things that happened between...some good, some not so good. Life's like that. --- Well we're still here now... But where have all the years gone... --- Five years since we were thrown out here into uncharted space...I still don't know where the time goes. It seems like only yesterday that we were standing on the bridge, and Chakotay was yelling at me, asking what my price was. Gods, then, so soon after to nearly lose him and what we could have had...but we didn't. He wanted to try again, and so did I. The sex was, as always, great, but...it didn't last. I think we had a week before we were screaming at each other so much that we were a danger to each others' ears. Then, that whole thing with Lidell...two lonely souls connecting for all the wrong reasons, or that's what I thought until... After *that*, I was finished with relationships, I decided. I had friends, good friends, Voyager to fly, and I didn't need a lover. Then B'Elanna, Durst and I were captured by the Vidiians...I'll never forget the feeling of relief when I realised that the hideous creature in front of me was Chakotay. I knew then that I'd never gotten over him, and after some heavy conversation, we decided that maybe what we had was worth having one more try to salvage. We started slow, this time. Not pushing sex, if it happened, it happened, but we tried to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. I think we knew that we'd have to do that to have any chance of lasting beyond the next couple of months. We didn't have sex once during the next four months. We made love with our voices, our mouths...oh, gods, his kisses are indescribable...our minds, but we didn't have sex. And I didn't miss it one bit. Honestly. I knew what it was like, the searing, wonderful heat of it all, and I knew I'd feel it again, so I didn't mind waiting. Oh, we had the odd close call during that time, and I wondered, what if one of us died? But if it had happened that way, it would have been what was meant to be, no matter how painful going on after would have been. I told him that I was in love with him the night before we saw Seska again. He was kidnapped, and I was so afraid we wouldn't get him back. I think that's when I began to hate Seska. I'd never liked her, I knew damn well that she'd been a catalyst in our original break-up, back in the Maquis, and a large part of it was, I admit, jealousy. Then when I found out what she'd done to Chakotay, betraying him the way she did, I was glad that she was off the ship and wouldn't be around to remind him constantly of how she'd tricked him. I didn't hate her then, though. I didn't feel passionately enough about her to hate then. No, that truly began when she stared out of the viewscreen and publicly humiliated Chakotay by announcing her pregnancy. I wanted to smash the screen and wipe that smug look off her face. Gods, that night was hard. Chakotay was a mess, feeling like he'd been raped, hell, he *had* been raped in every way except physically, me doing my best to comfort him, but I'm no counselor. Kes helped, a lot, though. She always did. --- Holding you this way tonight... It's easy to see why... --- I wasn't about to push Chakotay after that, but that was the first night we slept together. And I mean slept. Nothing else, because he was in no shape to do anything more. We just held each other, kissed and talked, and, when he could, we slept. It kept on like that for a couple of months. Then I broke Warp Ten. Gods, what an incredible experience. No matter what, I'll always be the first to have done that. And it was worth the aftermath. Of course, I had a little explaining to do to Chakotay about kidnapping Kathryn, but hey, I was under some weird influences. Then I was asked to do something for the ship and the crew. I couldn't refuse, but I was sorely tempted. I had to do something that I could never have imagined. I was asked to go undercover to find a spy. A spy who was sending covert transmissions to Seska. I agreed, immediately. Even knowing what I would have to do to Chakotay, I agreed. Gods, what a mess that was. I *hit* him, and gods, so much of me wanted to say I was sorry then. But I knew...I knew it was best, because maybe then he could forget me, and go on with someone else if I didn't make it back. And I knew who it would be, too. He'd told me, quite openly, that if we hadn't been together, he would have gone after the Captain. I couldn't blame him, I could easily fall in love with her myself. --- All this time... We held on to each other... We knew we had to be strong... All this time... --- Well, I made it back, and I apologised. He was hurt, but he did understand, thank the gods. We kept on in the same pattern, not having sex yet, but sleeping together most nights. The problem was, when we'd been apart, his feelings for Kathryn had grown, and he was torn. I felt horrible, but I knew it had been a possibility. I told him that it was his life, and his decision to make, and that I'd be there for him, no matter what. I still had Harry's friendship, which was and is very important to me. I've never had a friend like Harry before, not one that was closer than family. And then I nearly lost him, twice. Gods, I will never forget hearing B'Elanna saying the words. Then to get him back, that was...interesting. Luckily the adjustments were fairly seamless. Then, so soon after, to have him in that computer game gone mad... Still, at least it spurred him and B'Elanna to get their act together. It was just after that incident that they finally started spending time alone together. I've got to admit, there was a small part of me that was jealous. I had wondered, if Chakotay decided to leave me for the Captain, if maybe Harry and I might find something, but I knew it wasn't really meant to be. Besides, he and B'Ela were so right for each other, I could never have come between them in this lifetime. --- Through the tears and the laughter... It's still forever after all this time... --- Chakotay and I were in a holding pattern. I wanted to move forward, but I didn't dare, in case he decided for sure that he didn't want me. Cowardly? Sure. I was *terrified* that he wouldn't choose me if it came down to a choice between me and Kathryn. I knew, though, that we couldn't possibly continue this way, we'd have to decide one way or another where this relationship was going, eventually. So I decided one day that we'd talk after Chakotay got back from the away mission he was on with Kathryn. We never did get around to that talk. I noticed a couple of insect bites on his arm when he got back, but he didn't think they were anything to worry about. So I didn't. We had a nice time that evening, dinner and dancing at Sandrine's, and I decided not to spoil the mood of the evening with the big question. It was either the smartest or the dumbest move I ever made in my life. We retired, chaste as always, to bed, clad in boxers and tee-shirts. Chakotay complained about feeling warm, so I ordered the temperature (which I had found quite comfortable) a few degrees lower, and spooned up with him in the position we'd been sleeping in for longer than I'd have thought possible. I think it was his changing position that woke me. It was rare that we'd move after we fell asleep, wrapped up together like that, so when it happened, it usually woke both of us. I could feel his body next to mine, and it felt as if it were on fire. I couldn't wake him, but seeing the perspiration drip off him when I called for lights, I knew it was bad. --- In this fast moving world... Love is made and just thrown away... --- How bad, I didn't process for a while. I thought, just after he and Kathryn got sick, that it wouldn't take the Holodoc long to find a cure. When he couldn't, and the announcement was made that we were leaving them there on that planet...I still don't know how I kept it together. There was so much I wanted to tell him...tell him that no matter what, I loved him and that I regretted not moving further sooner, tell him to be happy with Kathryn if he could, tell him to remember me, but not to dwell on me...tell him to remember what we were, that our love did happen, that it was real, not just something to be thrown away...all that kind of stuff. I did get to talk to him, simply by asking. Who'd have thought that would be all that I'd need to do? But it was. Gods, I still remember how he looked. So haggard, but he was still Chakotay. And he'd honestly looked worse in the Maquis. We looked at each other for so long, seeing what we wanted to say in each other's eyes, knowing there was more to be said, but we couldn't. Not now. "I'll never forget what we were to each other," I promised Chakotay, at last, needing a tangible statement. He smiled that gentle smile, and replied, "I know." Then they were gone. We did eventually get them back, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to resume what we had the same way. Especially when I discovered that he'd offered himself to Kathryn, and she'd been the one to decide not to embark on a sexual relationship. I didn't want to be his second choice. So we went back to our pre-New Earth routine, with one difference. We were sleeping in separate cabins. Then...Seska's baby was born, the Kazon tried to take the ship, stranding the crew on a prehistoric planet, while I took my life into my hands trying to contact a Talaxian convoy. Some fancy flying is the only reason I'm still here. One thing the whole incident did for me...for us...was make us realise what was important. The moment Chakotay stepped onto the bridge, after a few moments with Seska's body, he'd needed to say goodbye to her, for what they once shared, I stepped forward to see him, just to touch his hand, to make some small connection... I never expected him to kiss me on the bridge! He whispered something about knowing what he wanted now in my ear, and I just stood there, dazed, but knowing it was what I wanted too. It was all I could do to fly the ship for another couple of hours, before Kathryn took pity on us, allowing us to go off duty together. But we've always kept the promises that we made...Who would of thought you and me...Would still be here where we said we would be... I couldn't believe it had taken us so long to get to this point again. I knew we would, somehow, but I hadn't expected it to be like this. We barely made it back to my cabin before we tore the uniforms off each other. After we did that, though, it slowed down perceptibly. It was as if we'd needed to see each other, but once that had been achieved, it was to be taken slowly. I kissed him, gently, nibbling at his lips, licking gently to get him to part them, tasting that sweetness that I hadn't tasted in so long. Although I loved this, I wanted more. I'd done this so much, I wanted to do everything we'd held back on, so I started licking his neck. The moans he produced were beautiful, and I wanted to hear more, so I gently bit, not hard enough to break the skin, but definitely hard enough to leave a mark, even on Chakotay's skin. The man almost screamed. I soothed the bite with my tongue, and started moving lower, finding the hard buttons of his nipples, causing him to nearly buck me off him. Oooookaaay. I went lower, almost being deafened when I tongued his navel, and then I went further, teasing his inner thighs with my tongue, those sensitive places that made him shiver. Then his erection, so hot, so hard, I blew gently on it, then kissed along the length, tracing the veins, moving down to take his balls into my mouth, then moving back up in the same slow pattern, taking just the head with my tongue, then my lips, then engulfing him. It took only a couple of strokes, a swallow or two, and his orgasm exploded over my tongue...I love that taste... He collapsed against me, and when he could move again, we made our way to the bedroom. He grasped me, confidently, and I saw stars. I told him that I wanted to take him, to make him mine like he'd made me his so long ago, and he just nodded. He needed it too. He got on his hands and knees, which kind of disappointed me, I'd have liked to have seen his face...next time. I knew we'd have a next time. I began preparing him gently, warming the lubricant I'd replicated in my hand first, then moving a finger inside him, then a second and a third. Soon after I'd entered him with the third finger, he was pushing back against me, trying to get more inside. I withdrew the fingers, to a gasp of disappointment, slicked more lube onto myself, and slowly entered that tight, hot passage. It's indescribable, even now, the feeling of being inside the man. I stopped, when I was fully inside, wanting to feel our connection, but it began to burn, so I had to move. It didn't take long, I was on the verge as it was, and a few thrusts later, the world exploded and I saw stars. Chakotay shouted right along with me, and just as the blackness descended, I pulled out of him and he pulled the covers over us for sleep. --- All this time... We held on to each other... We knew we had to be strong... --- I won't tell you the next couple of years were easy. At times they were anything but. Harry and me being thrown into an alien prison, Q, who seems to appear with astonishing regularity, a trip back to Earth, unfortunately the Earth of the past, and, most difficultly, Kes' leaving us...it wasn't a death, so I won't call it that, as well as the relationship adjustments we had to make were anything but easy, but we knew as long as we held on to what was important, we'd make it through. And we did. It's been interesting, in more ways than one, though. Seven Of Nine was a challenge, for most of us. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she and Megan Delaney ended up together, but then, I always knew Meg had a soft spot for problems...she went out with me for a while, after all. They're happy, though, and that's what's important. Harry and B'Elanna were married last year, and Kathryn and Kenneth Dalby are finally realising that command protocol isn't so important out here. I think they'll make it, too. --- All this time... Through the tears and the laughter... It's still forever after all this time... --- And today is our wedding day, Chakotay's and mine. Seven years to the day from our first meeting. When we realised the date we'd picked, totally by coincidence, I think we knew that destiny wasn't just a vague concept. If I had one wish, it would be that my father could know that I'm safe, and alive, and loved. No matter how bad our relationship got, we never forgot that we were family, but I will always be grateful to him for our estrangement, because if he hadn't thrown me out of the family, I'd never have met Chakotay, and this day would never have come. So I'm putting this all down in a log. Just in case I don't make it home, I want him to know I was thinking of him today. End personal log. --- The End