The BLTS Archive- After... by Joanne Collins (luchenbackoutlaw@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: Everything Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Please do not distribute, archive, etc, without my permission. May be archived on the ASC archive, the CPSG archive and R'Rain's Slash Archive only. Posting to BLTS, ASC/EM and CPSG only. Anything else, please ask first. I will probably say yes, but I'd prefer to know about it. I feel like I should warn new readers that I'm not usually like this. Dark, disturbing and very unusual for me. Really. Very definitely rated NC-17 for disturbing psychological and emotional stuff as well as m/m sex. No bdsm or anything like that, though. No minors allowed. Dedicated to Mona, Helmboy, Margaret and Bratkatze. You know why. --- Pain. The pain of betrayal lay heavy in Tom Paris's heart. It wasn't only the fact that Lidell had used him, that had almost been par for the course, but that she'd pretended to really feel something, that had hurt more. Why did people always lie about how they felt about him? His father..he'd been *supposed* to love him, but he'd just wanted Tom to be what he wanted him to be. His mother had left him. Yes, he knew, intellectually, that she had died, but to a ten year old, that felt like leaving. His sisters had been too old to have anything in common with him, and they'd taken the Admiral's side in any conflicts that they'd happened to witness. He'd thought that he'd had friends at school and the Academy, but he'd found out eventually that all they were interested in was either the Paris name or his looks. His looks...more pain. He'd often wondered, what if he were...average looking. Would it make a difference in the way he was treated by others? Would this cursed beauty be a burden best left behind? He thought that it might be so, but he'd never been able to do anything about it. Because he truly feared that he would not even be able to pretend that the whispered endearments to his beauty were heartfelt. Maybe they were...at the time. Julian...no, best not to think about that. He'd never meant to use Julian the way he had, as a haven after Susie broke up with him. They'd stayed together for a while, but neither of them had ever pretended that it was more than mutual convenience. Still, it had hurt that Julian hadn't bothered to let him know he was leaving privately. Even a small note might have persuaded him that someone had cared for him, however insignificantly or briefly. Sandrine...the one person who had never lied to him about how she felt about him. He had known she did care, and deeply, but he hadn't been able to stay, because he knew, one day, she wouldn't care, and he didn't want to be around to see it. So he'd left. Ayala...one night of passion during his brief stint with the Maquis. Nothing more or less than a mutually pleasant encounter, but at least he had tried to stop the beatings on Voyager. Kathryn Janeway...the only person besides Sandrine who'd ever looked at him like he was worth something. Sure he'd been willing to sell out his former Maquis crewmates, but she didn't pretend she wanted anything else from him. Harry Kim...the exception that proved the rule. The only person who'd ever completely accepted him, and he was devoted to the memory of a girl back home and the promise that he would see her again. The Paris luck was certainly holding. The door chime interrupted his reflections. "Chakotay?" "Paris, I need to talk to you." "Can it wait? I'm tired, and I've been through a lot today." "You're not the only one. Captain Janeway, Harry Kim, B'Elanna Torres, even Ayala have been worried sick about you, and whether you would get back safely. Dammit, can't you control your libido?" "Chakotay, I think I can truly say for once in my life that this *wasn't* about sex. I just wanted...someone to be with for a while...to take the pain away." "Why didn't you go to Harry Kim if that was what you wanted?" "Because it would have to mean something that it can't mean, if I were to be with him." "Well, the last thing Captain Janeway or anyone else on this ship needs is for you to plunge us into something like this on every planet we stop at. I have a proposition." "A...proposition?" "Instead of going to an alien who might cause irreparable damage to diplomatic relations, our chances at getting back to Earth or this ship itself, I want you to come to me." "WHAT?" "Look, I'm not seeing anyone right now, Seska and I split up a while back, there's no one I want a permanent relationship with that I've got a real chance with on this ship...so why not?" 'Why not?' asked the bitter, lonely voice in Tom's head. "Okay, but I have some conditions," Tom said aloud. "What are they?" "First, if I agree to this, no one else knows. Period. We make sure we are only together when no one will think it odd. I'm not going to start any more rumours, and your reputation doesn't need them either. Second, no pretending that this is any more than it is. A mutual arrangement for both our convenience. I don't want endearments or gifts, we're not in a relationship, we're not lovers. We might be friends, but even that's debatable. And one more thing. Don't lie to me. If you ever want out, *say* so. I will do the same." "All right." "We have an agreement?" "Yes. I think we should seal the bargain," Chakotay added, extending a hand. Tom took it, but didn't shake. Instead, he used it to pull the older man to him. The kiss was a shock for both, hot and needy and passionate, but somehow devoid of feeling. Tom pushed that feeling away and started exploring Chakotay's tattoo with his tongue. "Tom, if we don't stop now...I'll take you here on the couch." "So what's wrong with that?" Tom asked, grinning almost impudently, although the smile didn't reach his eyes. Chakotay sighed, and surrendered to the plundering hands. Now wasn't the time... Tom removed Chakotay's uniform, kissing the bronzed flesh as it was revealed. Chakotay bucked as Tom's tongue found his nipples, moving from one to the other, pleasuring him like a professional. Chakotay almost made him stop on that thought, but that was the moment that Tom moved to engulf him in his mouth. The practised tongue moved over his heated flesh, caressing the head, tracing the veins, then moving back to the head, dipping into the weeping slit, finally driving him over the edge by a flick under the glans. Chakotay shouted and emptied himself down Tom's throat. Tom pulled away from Chakotay, who was too sated to move, and made to get up. "Where are you going?" "I'll take care of...this," pointing downwards, "In the bathroom." "Tom, you just pleasured me, and now you're leaving?" "Don't you want to leave?" "Not yet. Tom, this may not be a relationship, but I am not going to treat you as a whore. Don't expect it of me, because I don't treat anyone that way. Now come here." In a daze, Tom lay back down beside Chakotay, feeling the older man's body cover his, and a large warm hand wrap around his hardness. Then lips covered his, and Tom was lost in a haze of pleasure. It took only a few strokes before he was surrendering to the climax that ripped through his body, and he lay, gasping for air as he came down from it. "Thank you," Tom whispered, not knowing what else to say. "You're welcome. Remember, this is *mutual*. It's not about you being here just to pleasure me, it's about both of us being here for the other. Now, I have to leave as you don't want anyone knowing about us, so I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow." "Goodnight, Chakotay," Tom whispered, almost asleep. "Hey, are you going to sleep?" "Yeah, I think so. I usually sleep in the nude, and I often sleep on this couch. I think I'll stay here, and clean up in the morning." "Goodnight, Tom," Chakotay said, but the younger man was already asleep. As Tom was asleep, Chakotay allowed himself a moment to let the mask drop. His eyes welled with tears as he remembered the encounter they'd shared earlier, and Tom's automatic assumption that he wouldn't be an equal partner in the relationship. Because that was what Chakotay wanted. He wanted Tom for life, but he knew that the young man was far too fragile to accept him yet. So he would take what he could, and build the young man's self-esteem up as much as he could, and one day, when Tom was ready, he would tell him that he loved him. "I love you, Tom," Chakotay whispered to the silent room, then he turned to leave. --- The End