The BLTS Archive - Even the Eagle
by Christina (fmlyhntr@yahoo.com)

---

May 1998

Paramount owns the characters, the show, the ship...But I decided to
try to save the characters from the following fate.

This is a different story for me--depressing, angsty, maybe even too
much in canon. This is what happens when I get in a conversation with
someone who makes a suggestion I sort of agree with--and sort of
don't. I wrote this fast, the images and words and feelings were
really strong in my imagination--I just hope they carried. (Oh and
don't worry...I don't write dark!)

And see if you can figure out what the last line means...

---

Kathryn Janeway stared at Torres's report with growing anger. How
could her Chief Engineer write such stuff. She scrolled back-up to
re-read the offending few paragraphs.

No, her ship had to be repairable--over the past seven years, Torres
had pulled miracles out of the proverbial hat many times.

She slammed the PADD on the desk hard enough to splash the cold coffee
in her forgotten cup. She reached for her comm-badge to summon the
engineer, but decided to wait. B'Elanna was probably working on that
miracle now.

She reached for another report--the First Officer's report on the
planet they had landed on.

She only read a few paragraphs before she almost threw it across the
room. He didn't come out and say it--but she could read between the
lines. Again, he was hinting that they should stay on this planet.

She frowned some more--perhaps Torres wanted to stay too. Janeway
decided to inspect engineering and the ship later, without her Chief
Engineer.

She looked up at the sound of the door chime. "Come in."

"Good morning Captain," Chakotay said with an attempt at cheerfulness.

She tried to keep her anger and exasperation out of her voice, but she
wasn't very successful. "If this is just a social call, I'm busy."

He looked at her with a worried frown. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine...just fine. Now, if you don't have something important to
say...I have work to do." She picked up her PADD to make her point.

"Very well, *Captain.*" He emphasized her title. "This is all I have."
He tossed a PADD on her desk and walked out. He had known that she
wouldn't be in a pleasant mood--but considering what he had just
handed her, it would have made it easier if she had been.

She picked it up and almost screamed in frustration and rage. *How
dare they,* she thought bitterly.

She skimmed through it quickly...Almost every member of her crew had
signed it.

They wanted to stay. To colonize the planet, to make their home here.
They were tired of the constant battles with the various aliens and
the ship itself.

This PADD she did throw across the room. With a satisfied nod of her
head, she watched it shatter.

The crash was heard on the bridge. Tuvok looked at Chakotay and raised
an eyebrow. The First Officer had added his name to the petition and
then volunteered to submit the request to the Captain. From Chakotay's
dark expression and the sounds emanating from the ready-room, she had
not taken the request well.

Chakotay shook his head sadly as he made his way to his chair. Kathryn
Janeway was the most driven person he'd ever met. She was determined
that she would get her crew back to the Alpha Quadrant--so determined
that it was beginning to border on obsessive. Not for the first time,
he wished the Doctor had been programmed to act as a counselor .
Maybe...

"No," he whispered to the air as he glanced at his terminal. Too much
had happened...All she allowed herself to live for was the ship, the
crew, and her promise to get them home. Even as the other members of
the crew opened to the possibilities of life in the Delta Quadrant, of
making their home here; the Captain had retreated further into her
shell. Her one overriding goal--to get home. All other things were
pushed to the side; including him.

Chakotay turned his head slightly when Tuvok's comm-badge chirped. The
Vulcan glanced at Chakotay, then answered.

Chakotay wasn't surprised, Tuvok had refused to sign the request. But
Chakotay was one of the few who knew why.

The few people on the bridge watched the Vulcan make his way to her
ready room. There was a increasing tension, as they pretended to work,
but they nervously watched the doors and each other.

A mood that everybody felt. Even those off the ship. They all knew
that today Chakotay was delivering the request to start a colony...It
was more than a request--since everybody, but Tuvok, had signed it.

And they all knew that Janeway would not like it.

Tuvok stood rigidly at attention, waiting for the captain to
acknowledge his presence.

"Well?" She asked in barely controlled anger.

"Yes, Captain. I knew of it..."

"It's mutiny. Who are the ringleaders--confine them to their
quarters..."

"Captain, that would be an illogical action to take..."

She looked at him, her blue eyes dark with anger--her face flushed.
"Illogical? Order everybody on board. We will leave within the hour."

"I cannot." A simple statement that floored her.

"What?" Her voice barely rising above a whisper now.

"It is an action that is logical. Voyager is not..."

"No." Her voice was louder, the anger no longer controlled. She stood
and glared at him. "I am Captain..." Her voice trailed off as Tuvok
slid a PADD toward her. She looked at it and sat down hard. It
contained his resignation...

She spoke, her voice choked with emotion, "Article..."

"I know the regulations, Captain. I have taught the course, but there
is no higher authority to refer the matter too." His voice was calm,
even though his body was rock-stiff. He had agreed with Chakotay the
previous night (in a private conversation) that the Captain was
heading toward a breaking point.

"Get out." She held the padd threateningly.

Tuvok left.

---

Tom sat down by B'Elanna and took her hand. "She took it badly." He'd
been on the bridge.

"I know." She was close to tears...a feeling that made her angry.

She glanced around the hilltop they were sitting on. The valley was an
ideal location for a new colony. Fertile soil, water, trees..."It's
just that I can understand how she feels..."

"I don't know...I admired and respected her. I still do, I
guess...It's just these past two years she has changed." Tom placed
his hands on his pregnant wife's belly. "She closed herself off from
everybody...All she does is work." Everybody knew that over the past
year, the Doctor had placed her on forced-medical-leave three
times...Only Tom knew the Doctor had been considering removing her
permanently--or at least placing her on extended leave.

"She didn't take the news of my pregnancy well," B'Elanna
whispered--thinking back to two months earlier. The Captain had
avoided communication with her Chief Engineer ever since that day.
Except for official business.

"This will kill her," Tom said softly after several minutes of
silence.

"Why?" B'Elanna turned to look at him, concern clearly written on her
face. "You don't think..."

He shook his head. "No, I don't. But getting us back to the
alpha-quadrant is what she has lived for, what has driven her for
seven years. And we decide to stay here." He tossed a stone down the
hill. "I don't think she'll stay..."

"She can't take Voyager...One person can't...You don't mean a
shuttle?" B'Elanna took his hand and gripped it tightly. "That would
be..."

The summons came then. Chakotay requested B'Elanna and Tom to meet him
in shuttle bay one in fifteen minutes.

---

Janeway felt a strange wrenching in her gut. She was torn between
getting sick or blasting everything and everyone in sight. Never in
her life had something torn her apart like her crew's betrayal. She
didn't speak to Chakotay or Tuvok, but walked over to the largest
shuttle. "I hope I still can make a request."

Chakotay, watching her carefully, only nodded. No one spoke.

"I'll take this shuttle...I will continue the trip home; alone if need
be. I hope you will let the crew know that anybody who was forced to
sign that obscene document is free to accompany me."

"Captain, you can't...It would be..."

All her anger was concentrated on that one man. "Why *can't* I? What
are you going to do about it?" She glanced quickly at each of her
senior staff then back at Chakotay. "I'm the Captain, do NOT tell me
what I can and cannot do. If you loved me, you wouldn't betray me
like..."

Chakotay was stunned. In seven years the closest they'd ever come to
saying anything like that was on New Earth...But his answer surprised
him even more. "I stopped loving you, Kathryn..."

There was silence. He could feel everybody's eyes on him. And feel the
truth in his heart. He had become so used to his feelings for her,
that he hadn't even been aware when he'd stopped loving her...He
couldn't even place an exact moment...

Kathryn shook her head. "I will leave tomorrow at thirteen hundred
hours. If you will excuse me, I have to pack and prepare the shuttle.
I do have permission to do that, *Captain.*" She said that word with
every ounce of sarcasm she could muster, then didn't wait for an
answer.

After she left, Tom looked at Chakotay, "You can't let her go."

"The only way she'll stay is if we throw her in the brig. I can't do
that." He left, still feeling the sting of his own words.

---

The starry sky looked so peaceful, Chakotay thought as he lay on the
ground. Yet peaceful did not describe the torment he felt that night.
Unable to sleep, he'd left the ship to walk in the surrounding meadow;
hoping he'd find the answers that his spirit guide had refused to help
him with. He loved her and yet he didn't. Saying the words earlier had
surprised him and everybody else. *I stopped loving you.* Why? When?

"Did you really expect to keep loving her after being rejected and
having your feelings ignored?" He asked the night breeze.

To be honest, he didn't know. That he still loved her was also
true...but as a friend...and after today, he couldn't consider himself
a friend either. If she would stay and accept their situation, perhaps
they could still have a life together...

No. She would never adjust...She would always feel betrayed...

She would leave, either with their permission--or without. Somehow she
would make her escape from what she probably already called her
prison. It was better if she left with permission...They could prepare
the shuttle properly...

A snapping branch broke his reverie. "Who's there?"

The Doctor stepped out of the darkness. "I hope I am not
intruding...But I really do need to talk to you about the Captain."

Chakotay stood, "What about her?"

"She cannot leave tomorrow--it would be suicide..."

"I know, but outside of locking her up, I don't see anyway of keeping
her here..."

"With intensive psychological counseling..."

"By whom, Doctor?"

"True..."

"She wouldn't accept counseling anyway...Not from anyone she felt had
betrayed her..." Chakotay looked down at his feet, he was feeling
guilty about that...Somehow he had convinced himself that this
wouldn't be her reaction...He should have known better.

"Commander," the Doctor stood there with as much frustration showing
on his face as his program allowed. "I was preparing to relieve her of
command. I believe her mental status has been severely affected by
events of this past year."

"I'm not surprised." He looked around guiltily. "I was about to ask
you to."

The Doctor looked sad. "If my programmers had only included a
counseling program. I have only been able to add the rudimentary
algorithms. She needs far more intensive treatment than I am able to
offer. Commander--you cannot let her leave."

"And how do you suggest we keep her here? Lock her in her quarters? In
the brig?" His voice was now tinged with anger--he'd been debating
this same question ever since she had announced she would be leaving.

"I do not know...But you must keep her here..."

"I will not lock her up for the rest of her life. That Doctor, is the
only way to keep her here." He walked off angrily. Angry at himself,
the Doctor, and her.

The Doctor stood there, a quick glance at the stars, then he returned
to the ship. He had hoped that Chakotay had the answers...But was not
surprised at the response.

---

No one was in the shuttle bay when Kathryn finished packing her gear.
Too embarrassed, she thought, at their behavior toward their Captain.
What did surprise her was no one was coming with her. *He* probably
hadn't told them. "Well, never mind," she whispered, "I'll make my way
to the Alpha Quadrant and file charges." She sat down in the pilot's
chair and finished her check list.

---

Chakotay had planned on saying good-bye and make one last plea for her
to stay. But in the end, he hadn't. She was right about one thing, he
was regretting his decision--his decision to let her go. He was
standing by the river, staring at the water.

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked as she laid a hand gently on his shoulder.
"Are you all right?"

He shook his head. "We shouldn't let her go..." Before he could do
anything, there was a roar. Her shuttle was leaving. He felt the tears
well in his eyes. "Good-luck Kathryn," he whispered. Knowing that what
she was doing, was impossible. ***

B'Elanna leaned back in her husband's arms. "Tom?"

"Yea," he mumbled as he chewed on her neck.

"Do you ever regret staying?" She leaned further back, so that she had
a clear view of the stars.

Tom was quiet for several seconds. "Yes and no...These past ten years
have been the most meaningful in my life. I have you, Owen, Gene, and
now Catherine." He patted her stomach. She was due soon. "Yet there
are times when I look up toward the stars and wonder..."

"Me too," B'Elanna whispered. There was a long, melancholy silence
before she continued. "I wonder what happened to her?"

"I hope she made it...But..." Kathryn Janeway was rarely mentioned any
more. Ever since that day some ten years earlier, when she'd left no
one really talked about her. They remembered her, honored her...but
there was some embarrassment about her, especially how and why she had
left.

No one really believed she had survived...The odds were too extreme;
the dangers for one person in one small shuttle just too many.

"He never talks about her," B'Elanna said.

"I know. Do you really believe he stopped loving her?"

"No...Yes. I remember the look on his face when he said those
words...He knew they were true. And yet...He's become distant. Not the
way she did at the end, but..." Chakotay had resigned his governorship
recently and retired to his woodshop. He'd never married.

B'Elanna groaned slightly and shifted her position.

Tom almost panicked. "You alright?"

"I'm fine," she smiled. "Your daughter is just feeling restless."

"Well, come...I'm taking you home. *My* daughter is just reminding me,
that the doctor told you to take it easy."

B'Elanna laughed. "Sitting here, staring at stars, reminiscing is
hard. Tom Paris you need to relax--it isn't as if we haven't done this
before."

He smiled at her.

Kathryn watched the couple and also smiled. *Ten years,* she thought.
"Has it really been ten years since I was last here." She walked over
to join them; looking forward to their response when they saw her.
"Hello Tom, B'Elanna."

The couple walked right by her--as if they didn't see or hear her.

"Tom?" Kathryn called out...*If they couldn't see her...*

"Of course they can't see you," a voice said from the darkness.

"Q? Am I dead?" She turned toward the voice.

"At your service, madame." Q appeared and bowed. "And yes you are.
Dead that is."

"Why am I here," she looked around. During the past decade it was
obvious the colony had thrived.

"Kathryn, do I always have to explain things to you?" He held out his
hand. She looked at it, then took it.

Together they walked along the empty streets. She could hear voices
coming from the houses--but she didn't want to go in...At the other
side, she stopped and looked back, then down at herself. She was
wearing her red Captain's uniform--a nice shiny new one. She was aware
of feeling very much the Captain. "I don't remember dying." She turned
to look at Q. He was also wearing a red captain's uniform...*How
typical,* she thought.

He ran his finger down her cheek. "You don't? Hmm--it wasn't a very
glorious end for the once proud Kathryn Janeway."

She glared at him for a second. "Just tell me how."

"If you insist. Almost four months after leaving here, you had a bout
of food-poisoning. While you were practically incapacitated a plasma
wave hit your shuttle and sent it crashing into a nearby planet." He
shrugged his shoulders. "My poor Kathryn, you died on a miserable hell
hole...It just seems so ironic especially after you passed up your
chance to remain on this rather nice planet..."

"They betrayed me..." She started to feel her old animosity to the
crew's decision to stay.

"They did? Really?" Q started to walk away. "Or did you betray them."
He turned and looked at her. "Well..."

"My goal is...was to get them home..."

"They are home, and for the most part happy in this home. Their one
regret is you."

She stared at him for several minutes before speaking. "Why are we
here? If I died somewhere else..."

Q grinned...that insufferable grin he had when he felt like he was
dealing with an intellectually inferior creature. "Kathryn even dead
you can be dense..." He held out his hand again. "Or are you dead?" He
winked. "You have some choices to make--with endless outcomes. I
decided to show you this one."

She looked puzzled. "Huh? Choices?" She scratched her forehead in
frustration. "Q? What are my choices? What are the other outcomes?
What is going on?"

"I can't tell you. You must find the answers yourself." He raised his
hand and prepared to snap his fingers. "You have one chance to get it
right, or you could find yourself *not here* again." He snapped.

---

Chakotay started to enter his command codes again and stopped. Was it
really his business if she didn't respond...She'd been tired last
night--she had probably just over-slept.

No, he'd tried several times to communicate with her. And she was due
on the bridge in half an hour. He quickly keyed in his codes and
waited for the acknowledgment, then the hiss of the door sliding open.

The Captain's quarters were dark and eerily quiet. "Kathryn?" He
whispered and then smiled. She was sound asleep on her couch. He
walked over to her and gently shook her shoulders. "Kathryn?"

She shuddered slightly then her eyes opened. "Chakotay?"

"You were expecting someone else?" He laughed.

"No...Its...What time is it?" She rubbed her eyes.

He really laughed now. "Zero six-hundred hours. You're due on the
bridge in half-an-hour."

She still looked groggy--and if he didn't know better, he would have
thought she looked confused. "Kathryn, is everything alright?"

She shakily started to stand, but he had to grab her to keep her from
falling down.

"No, it's not alright." He reached for his comm-badge.

She grabbed his hand. "No, I'm fine...I don't want to go to sick
bay..." She pulled away slightly, and realized that she already missed
having his arms around her. "I just had a strange dream...How long
have we been here?"

"You returned to your quarters last night, probably soon after Harry's
concert...I just got here."

"No, I mean in the Delta Quadrant?" She could see the confusion in his
eyes--but she had to know.

"Almost four years--Kathryn?"

"It was the strangest dream." She warily glanced around the room. *If
it really was a dream. When Q was involved, one couldn't tell.* "You
have one chance..."

"What?" He was really worried about her now. "Kathryn..."

She suddenly looked up at him, staring straight into his eyes. "Do you
still love me?" Her voice was strong and clear.

He looked at her in shock..."Kathryn...This isn't normal..." He turned
and walked a few steps away.

"That didn't answer my question. Do you still love me?"

"You are the most obstinate, headstrong woman..."

"Commander, you aren't answering my question." Her voice was now soft
and decidedly seductive.

He turned to look at her. "Yes, I still love you." He was incapable of
movement when she walked up to him and kissed him quickly. Her second
kiss was longer...This time he moved to wrap his arms around her and
pull her close.

She stepped back and tapped his commbadge. "Janeway to bridge."

"Tuvok here."

"Good morning Commander. Ch...Commander Chakotay and I will be meeting
to discuss some personnel changes. Please reschedule the staff meeting
for thirteen-hundred."

There was a pause. "Very good Captain. Tuvok out."

She looked at Chakotay. "Now about these personnel changes." She
reached up to pull his head down toward hers.

His hands grabbed hers, stopping her. "Not until you tell me why? Why
now?"

She laughed--a silvery, musical sound to his ears. "Because I love
you. And because it seems like I've been given a second chance to get
it right."

Q grinned as he watched the passionate scene unfold below him. "In my
own immortal words, *What fools these mortals be!*" He vanished.

---

The End