The BLTS Archive - Reflections of The Stars in A Cold Lake
by Christina (fmlyhntr@yahoo.com)

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April 1999

Warning: It's curious. Or maybe it isn't. I've written a number of
stories this season in pairs. Two points of view--or alternate
endings. This is in the same vein--an alternate ending for an older
story. This is, more or less, the story that "Even the Eagle" was
supposed to have been. A year ago I couldn't write it as such.

TPTB claim to own the characters--but their souls belong to us...the
fans.

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I can't believe it's been ten years. So much has happened in those ten
years: so much happiness and so much pain.

B'Elanna and I were married about a month after we'd built our house.
She was expecting our first child, Owen at the time. He'll be ten in
about 5 months.

To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm sitting here watching the
stars in the lake--unless it is because I've been remembering again.
Voyager's last weeks in space were tense and awful. After seven years
of constant travel, and what felt like constant battles, she was
literally falling apart. Everybody could see that...

Well almost everybody.

The Captain could not or would not, I don't know which, and I guess it
really doesn't matter now. I don't know what happened to her or when
it happened exactly. The Captain withdrew from everyone, even
Chakotay. She became an iceberg. It's still not easy to remember...I
think we all wonder what if...

What if I had done something...But what? I was her first pet project,
salvage effort--she seemed to like those. She made me a lieutenant and
pilot. Rank isn't important on Terra Nueva, our little colony. Which
is good, because she busted me down to ensign our fifth year in this
Quadrant. I knew I deserved it--but I always expected her to restore
my rank...She never did.

Maybe that was just another slip in her stoic self-control. I don't
know how she maintained the facade of sanity for so long before we
really began to understand she was losing it.

B'Elanna announcing that we were expecting was the first crack that I
remember. Janeway was furious. She never spoke to either of us again,
except to give an order.

But what truly sent her over the edge was here...Terra Nueva. Her
original plan was to land Voyager and conduct repairs.

Except three days into our stay we all knew Voyager wasn't going to
leave. Chakotay brought our request to remain to the Captain. I was on
the bridge and heard every bitter word that passed between the two of
them.

Even Tuvok agreed with us. When she ordered him to confine everybody
to the Brig and prepare the ship for departure, he resigned. It was
one of the few times I ever saw real emotion on his face. Pain,
sorrow, disappointment.

The last time I saw emotion from Tuvok, was when she took a shuttle to
continue the trip to the Alpha Quadrant alone. It was the last time he
ever mentioned her too. But I know better--I've seen him look up
toward the stars. I know what he is thinking...Because I'm thinking it
too.

Is she still alive?

We'll never know. Reality stinks, but I don't think any of us believe
she is. Wish is a different matter.

Chakotay became our leader-in-fact after her departure. He for several
years had quietly, been in charge, as the Captain didn't want to deal
with us. He doesn't speak of her either. B'Elanna is convinced that he
once did love the Captain. I believe that once he did too. Once she
was a figure to admire and respect. And love...I admit, I had a crush
on her too.

We watched him carefully after her departure. He became cold and
distant; and we worried that he was following a parallel path to the
Captain's.

But the birth of Owen changed that. He's become a doting
*grandparent.* It's really too bad he never had children...But our
children--all our children--have benefited from his many stories.

I really should return home. B'Elanna is due soon (our third child)
and gets grumpy fairly easily. Though I know she would understand why
I'm melancholy tonight.

Everybody is. We've all looked up and wondered.

Tonight, I'd rather watch the reflections of the stars in a cold 
lake...

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The End