The BLTS Archive - All My Tomorrows
by Chocolatequeen (g_chocolatequeen@hotmail.com)

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Published: 06-15-04 - Updated: 06-15-04

Spoilers: Zero Hour

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The first thing I'm aware of when I wake up is the painful throbbing in
my head. Something tells me I didn't quite make it off the weapon in
time, but I don't know anything beyond that. The second thing I realize
is that wherever I am, it's not Enterprise. It's cold and dark... and
people are speaking German. This is not happening to me, it has got to
be a dream.

When I wake for the second time, I'm a little more clear-headed. I still
hear German spoken around me though, and for the first time since high
school, I wish I'd paid more attention in Frau Schmalamberger's class.
How does it work? You use haben and add ge to the stem of the verb...
Oy. Thinking about this is going to make my head hurt again.

Then a nurse comes over and tells me softly that I should sleep. I can
still recognize that phrase... schlafen, is there any other word in
German that sounds so soft? I willingly do her bidding, despite the fact
that I still haven't figured out where I am. I'll think about it tomorrow.

This time, there are others around me, they look like officers. They
look like SS officers. Faint recollections of things I've heard about
the timeline come to me, and I stop wondering where I am and start
questioning when I am. Another German phrase comes to me: Ich habe
Angst. I am afraid.

I want to speak, to tell these people who I am, but something stops me.
If my suspicions are correct, I'm not with the most sympathetic crowd.
Besides, even if they wanted to help me there's no way they could. They
can't control the timeline anymore than I can. It's possible that I
might be stuck here...

My head is starting to hurt again, this is too much for me. I'll think
about it tomorrow.

Something new occurred to me today. I've been consoling myself with the
thought that if I'm with people speaking an earth language, than the
mission must have been a success. But if I did in fact travel back in
time, that's not necessarily true. There's no way for me to know if the
weapon is still a threat in my timeline, or if Earth even exists anymore.

I'm trying to ignore the hole growing in the pit of my stomach, but it
won't be pushed aside. I can feel the roiling, and I turn over the side
of my cot just in time to heave my meager lunch onto the ground. Earth
might be gone, and I'm stuck in the 20th century. There are no words for
this... I'll have to think about it tomorrow.

I've decided to assume the mission succeeded, it causes too much mental
pain to think otherwise. The mission succeeded, and Earth was saved.
Shran likely is telling anyone who will listen how much we owe him, and
he's right. If it wasn't for his timely intervention, we never would
have made it to the weapon, much less destroyed it.

Did Malcolm and Trip get back to the Aquatic ship with the MACO's? I
know he wanted to be the one to stay, but if he had, he would be stuck
here instead of me. This is why I insisted on doing it myself.

I suppose in a way I was making penance for all the things I've been
forced to do this year. So many times I have had to cross lines that I
never would have come close to before, all for the sake of humanity.
Perhaps this was the best way for me, I never would have felt
comfortable in my own skin anyway. Ah, this is too much. I'll have to
think about it tomorrow.

I wonder if T'Pol and Trip managed to take out the spheres. So much of
our mission hinged not only on stopping the weapon, but on stopping the
Expanse from growing and changing, and taking over other normal space. I
know that Daniels said the Federation fights an epic battle to stop the
sphere builders, but I'd like to think we could have made that unnecessary.

A brief wave of remorse sweeps through me when I think about the
Federation. I saw what he showed me, and I could see where it was going,
despite the fact that I denied the chord it struck in me. If he's right
and that won't happen without me there...

Then again, I'm relatively certain this was all his doing in the first
place. It wouldn't be the first time he tried to save me by taking me to
a different time, and had it backfire stupendously. And speaking of
Daniels, why isn't he here, trying to pull me out of this? If I'm so
important to the course of history, shouldn't he be getting together a
rescue mission or something?

Time lines, weapons, history changing, living in history... I can feel
sleep coming over me again as all the thoughts converge in my mind. I
want to fight it, I want to find a way out of this, but the need for
rest is too strong. My last thought before I drift off is that I'll
think about it tomorrow.

It must have been quite a shock to my crew when they got to the
rendezvous point and I wasn't there. I have complete faith in T'Pol's
ability to get my ship back to Earth, I wouldn't have made her my first
officer if I didn't. I wonder if she realizes that I put her in command
because she understands the heart of our mission better than anyone—our
true mission that is, not the one we've been on for the last year.

She knows what it's like to explore strange new worlds. She has the
protocols in place for seeking out new life and new civilizations. She
can provide the crew with the courage to fulfill our calling, to bring
Earth to other worlds and other worlds to Earth.

Perhaps, now that I'm gone, she will be the one to form the building
blocks for the Federation. She was certainly there for all the important
moments that would have led to the four races I saw on that dais being
willing to speak to each other. She has the diplomatic skills necessary
to get them to talk to one another, to bring their grievances out in the
open and deal with them once and for all. Simply put, it's a role she
was born for.

But I wonder if she'll be willing to take on that role, now that I'm not
there. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I mean anything more
to her than a captain, but I do understand her a little. She is more
likely to withdraw to Vulcan than to remain a part of interstellar
politics. Someone should tell her that the galaxy needs her... I just
wish it could have been me.

There are a lot of things I wish I could have done. I should have told
Hoshi how proud I am of her. She's changed so much since we first met.
Then, she was a scared girl who was smarter than her age. She had all
the skills needed in a communications officer and none of the
experience. That was why I asked her to remain in Brazil until
Enterprise was ready to leave space dock, I hoped she would develop the
strength that she would need. For a while, I wasn't sure she had, but
our last time together showed me how wrong she was. She did everything
you could expect of a Starfleet officer who'd been taken captive. She
didn't willingly give the reptilians anything... and yet she still
blamed herself. I wish I had told her how special she was...

If we managed to destroy the weapon, I was going to make sure I never
let another year go by without seeing the sunset over the Bay. I won't
be able to keep that promise now. I may be on Earth, but I can't see the
Germans handing me over to the Americans just because my dying wish is
to see the Golden Gate Bridge again.

I should have repaired my friendship with Trip. We've had plenty of ups
and downs in the last year, and I know that when I left things weren't
where they used to be. If I'd known I'd never see him again, I would
have fixed things, at least on my end.

I've had plenty of time while laying here, drifting in and out of
consciousness, to think about what I'd say to each and every one of my
crew, if I only had the chance. For some it's just a sentence, for
others I have a whole speech prepared. I know I'll never get to use
them, but it helps me pass the time and it keeps me sane, thinking about
the men and women who had become my friends.

But I can't think of what to say to T'Pol. There is so much that went
unsaid between us, that is seems almost sacrilegious to think about
changing that now, just because I know I'll never have a chance to do it
in real life. Some things I think are just better left unsaid.

Or maybe what I'm really afraid of; more than the Nazis or the
reptilians or the sphere builders; is the possibility that being faced
with the reality of my feelings for her might destroy the last hold I
have on peace. Because I know that if I admit the truth, the pain and
the fear surrounding all those other things will be a drop in the bucket
compared to how I'll feel about never getting to tell her.

However, being flat on your back somewhere on the African front for
weeks gives you time to think. Thoughts of her have come to me so often,
and I can't deny the truth anymore, despite what letting it in might do
to me.

If I close my eyes, I can almost picture the way she arches one eyebrow
at me when I'm being illogical. I know I'm being illogical now, denying
what I know is true, thinking that by doing so I'm also denying the
power it has over me. The fact is, by denying it I'm giving it the power
I'm trying to hold onto. The longer I go on like this, the stronger a
hold it will have over me.

I still can't bring myself to say it out loud though, or even to say it
to myself. Instead, I concentrate on remembering everything about her;
her voice, her dry sense of humor, the way her emotions flare at times
(even though she says she doesn't have any). There is not one thing
about her that I do not remember, and in so remembering, love.

I think I just admitted it, indirectly, but I refuse to let it be true.
This is enough for today; I'll think about it tomorrow.

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The End