The BLTS Archive - The deep chambers of your heart
(Romeo's bleeding. . . .)
by Lady Charena (LadyCharena@aol.com)

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Feedback: I'd love to get it.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. This story is mine and
only fanfiction. No moneymaking or offence of copyrights is intended.
If you are under age or have a problem with homosexuality, please
stay away.

English is not my native language, please be patient with mistakes.
My gratitude to T'Len for picking out the biggest errors.

---

It is impossible for me to meditate so I decide to go out. Maybe a
little walk through the symmetrical cultivated garden of the Vulcan
embassy will calm me enough to enables me at last to find a few hours
of sleep

The silence in the garden and the coolness of the nightly air is like
soothing balm to my troubled mind. I have to admit that tonight I am
really unable to control my emotions properly. I am not ashamed of
this – you've taught me not to be so – but still I have to fight
against a irritating sense to fail, maybe even disappoint, you.

You. You are the cause of my troubled thoughts. Something is wrong
with you - seriously wrong since ever we made that trip to Rome two
days ago. You are too calm even for your ways. Last evening you
talked to me - more than I am used to - but even so there was a
strange quietness in your words. Two or three times I watched your
hands restless moving in your lap like fearful little animals. The
only outward sign, that your control seemed to be shaken, I could
detect. And I wonder... did you knew that I saw it?

From the moment we first met, there always had been an air of trust
between us and I ever was aware of your feelings. Through the mental
link you gave to me I can still sense your strong affection for me,
but "the deeper chambers of your heart" (I have read this sentence
years ago in a poetry book, but only now I really understand its
meaning) are closed to me. You do not want me to know what ever is
troubling you. And it hurts more than I expected. I am no child,
Spock, and I am not blind. Why can you not talk to me?

You left me more than a hour ago and retired to your own room in the
southern wing of the guest house of the Embassy where you live for
the duration of your visit on Earth. I stay at the Vulcan Embassy
because there is so much I can only learn here. And I also love the
quietness, the calm of this place, giving me a feeling of absolute
safety. But I do not really understand why you prefer to stay here,
too – even when you told me it was for my sake, to help me with the
preparations for my exams. Of course none of the Vulcans would show
any disliking of your visit – if one of them would feel such a thing –
 but they neither welcomed you with open arms as humans are fond of
saying. Still you stay. Sometimes I think you were seeking a kind of
a hiding place...

But humble walls are not enough to part us and so I still can feel
your restlessness. I wonder... I really wonder if it has something to
do with our accidental encounter with Admiral Kirk in Rome...

---

Nowadays Rome is not a city to live in – it is a big museum. More
than 150 years ago a terrible earth quake destroyed large parts of
the old city with its historical buildings like the Colosseum. It was
never rebuild, but a very authentic three-dimensional hologram shows
where it once had been and what it had looked like. As we arrived
there, we found the place crowded with tourists and decided to go to
a nearby, newly opened museum, to visit an exhibition of holo-
pictures from still existing paintings created from great Italian
artists like Michelangelo or DaVinci. (Of course they do not show the
original paintings, those are too valuable.)

I knew of the depths of your knowledge – maybe better than somebody
else – but you really surprised me with all the details you told me
to each painting we saw.

At some time we parted. I was studying a picture I had once seen in a
book years ago as a strange feeling of confusion, anger and pleasure –
 all at the same time – flashed through my mind. That emotion was not
origin from me! So I turned to have a look at you.

I saw you standing at the other end of the room, next to the
entrance, your back turned to me, your gaze directed to the open
doors of the museums entry. There, coming from the light of the
bright day outside into the (traditional) dim lighted room, stood
Admiral James Kirk.

I learned a lot of him from you about his successes as well as his
fails. You told me about your friendship to that extraordinary human
and about the years you served as his First Officer aboard the
Enterprise. I always thought him to be a very impressing person and
after I encountered him personally at Starfleet Academy I found my
opinion confirmed. He even knew who I was and about my relations to
you.

Admiral Kirk entered the room and I thought he did not see you at
once, because he was obviously absorbed in a discussion with a woman
accompanying him. Then he lifted his head and saw you standing near.
I was too far away to understand his words as he turned to his
companion - but she left him with a few words and a nod – or his
greetings to you. I felt a flash of pain running through you as your
control suddenly slipped. I reached for you – and you expelled me
from your mind! For a moment I was hurt, but remembering your pain I
involuntarily run to you and to the Admiral.

You seemed to take no notice of my appearance but I saw the Admirals
eyes fix on me – and I noticed the anger in their depths. Anger that
was directed to me. Nevertheless he greeted me with cool courtesy,
asking some rhetorical questions about my liking Rome and Italian
culture. I did answer as shortly as possible. He was obviously not
interested in my words, his eyes travelling to you again and again,
even when he was talking directly to me.

You took opportunity of a intermitted break in our chat to turn to
me. "Would you please leave us for a moment? I would like to talk to
the Admiral."

No! It was a wild, childish outburst of fear and defiance which
nearly brought me to call out loudly. But as fast as it appeared it
vanished as I remembered my training and regained once again control
over my emotions. "Of course, if you wish so." I spoke my farewell to
the Admiral and left you alone with him. I could not stay in the
museum so I went to the outside, waiting there for you to come.

---

I now remember vividly that I feared for you the moment I left you.
There is no logical cause for this impression on my side but I know I
can still trust my intuition. But why? The Admiral is an old friend
of yours, there is nothing to fear. Absent-minded I sit down on a
stone bench in the shadows of the wall surrounding the Embassy,
tracing with my fingers the rough surface while trying to examine my
emotions...

I must have been really deeply absorbed in my thoughts, because I did
not notice until now that I am no longer alone in the garden. You are
approaching me fast. But still in some distance from my position and
before I can make myself known you suddenly stop and turn to one of
the small entrances, built into the wall. A soft light from a lamp
over the entry casts shadows over your face. You are not here to see
me, are you, Spock?

Not a minute later I get my answer as the door opens and somebody
enters the garden. I... for a moment I can not believe my eyes, but
it is Admiral Kirk!

"How on Earth could you possibly know that I would come?" he is
asking. "At this hour. At this place."

For a moment there is absolute no movement in you, then you
answer: "I always knew."

The Admiral smiles. "Yes, I remember. Spock..."

"But I do not know why you did come – at this place, at this hour."

"So... you don't..." the Admiral answers. "I think you're a liar,
Spock."

I can not leave now without directing their attention to me. And if I
am truly honest... I am not the least inclined to go. I wait for your
answer, but you keep silent.

"Why did you run from me in Rome, Spock, why?"

"I did not `run' from you. There was nothing more to say and... I
have not been alone there as you know."

"What's wrong with you, Spock? I was delighted to hear that you are
visiting Earth. I expected you to come and see me. But you still
avoid me – in the Academy or where ever we accidentally met."

A short silence follows his words. I fear to betray my presence
because my heart is beating so wildly that I wonder if it can be
heard all over the garden.

"You never answered to my letters, to my messages after your return
to Vulcan. You never explained me what I did to deserve such a
punishment."

"You did nothing, but to..."

"But... to?" the Admiral insists. "To love you?"

I can not see your face, it is shadowed, but I know the pain there,
because I can hear it in your voice.

"Yes."

"You never told me why its such a crime to be in love with a Vulcan."

I hear bitterness in the Admiral's words.

"Not with any Vulcan," you answer. "But with me."

"Why, Spock? Why?"

There is pain too in the Admiral's voice.

"Because I am not in love with you."

"I don't believe you, Spock. We were lovers for almost five years.
You'd tell me, that you slept with me out of a misunderstood sense of
duty? Or even pity?"

"No."

"Then tell me what happened. Did I hurt you without knowing it? Did I
expect to much from you? Spock, I still..."

"Do not speak any further! Do not speak of loving me, Jim. You do
know nothing of love."

Another long silences follows. I send a prayer to the ancient gods
that none of them will discover my presence.

"You mean – nothing of loving a Vulcan? Or loving you?"

"You are expecting too much from me, Jim. I can not give what you
want."

"Damn, Spock, what do you know of the things I wanted from you!"
Anger bursts from the Admiral like a wave. "I want you in my life,
not some fleeting affair. I want to command a ship with you at my
side, not to fly a desk. And I want to love you with all my soul, my
heart and my body."

"But you do not want me in your mind."

"That's it?" Astonishment... then understanding colours the Admiral's
voice. "That's it."

"Yes."

"But we did discuss this at least a thousand times, Spock. A Vulcan
mental bonding is impossible. You know how Star Fleet thinks about
that. I have to be in control of my mind all the time..."

"I would never use a bond to affect your decisions."

"Yes, yes, I know, Spock. But the regulations about mental bonding
exist and they leave no room for exceptions."

"There are exceptions for Vulcans."

"But I am no Vulcan, Spock. And to be precise – you aren't utter
Vulcan either." The Admiral stops to control his voice. "Listen,
Spock, we talked this over and over – and finally you agreed to a
relationship at human norms. Why did you change your opinion?

"I changed."

"Why did you run to Vulcan at the end of the five-year-mission? I
never asked you after your return."

"Because I had to."

"That is no answer I will accept, Spock!"

"Because I could not longer bear the pain."

"Pain? Spock..."

"Yes, I agreed to a purely human relationship with you. But it was
childish to think it could stay that way. I am no longer a child,
Jim. I went to Gol to grow up. And even if I failed there..."

"A child, Spock? You're three years older than I," the Admiral
interrupts him.

"In Human years and from Human sight – but not in my mental and
emotional development as a Vulcan."

"Are you accusing me by loving you of child abuse?" Sarcasm colours
the Admiral's voice.

"No, of course not. It was my free will."

"And now you're too grown up for love, Spock? Am I too inferior for
you?"

"No, Jim. I will always value you as my friend. But I can never be
your lover."

"Because I will not bond."

"Because the circumstances will not allow us to do so."

"So you're saying if we could bond we would be lovers again?" There
was a flash of hope in the Admiral's words.

But you did not answer to that. "It is the best if you go now, Jim."

"I want you to answer me first. If we could bond would you love me?"

"I do not know."

"Spock, you must know!"

"I can not know, until..."

"Until what?" the Admiral insisted. "Until you try it? I once thought
you loved me."

"I did, Jim. But with the love of an child."

I could see Kirk shaking his head. "I think you're right. I'd better
go. This... discussion leads to nowhere." He turns to go.

"Jim."

He stops and waits.

"I am sorry."

Without turning the Admiral says: "I'm, too. It's not over, Spock. We
will meet again." Then he leaves.

Embarrassed to have been witness to this I wait for you to do the
same so I can leave the garden unseen.

But after some time you turn into my direction. "Saavik-kam – child,
come to me."

So I come to you. "You know? It was not my intention to listen…"

"I felt your presence as I entered the garden. Now you know of my
deepest secrets. Do you still want to be a Vulcan, Saavik-kam?"

I remember you asking me that question when I was ten. "I ever wanted
to be like you." It is the same answer I gave you at that time. I
still have no other.

"Do not be, Saavik. Do not ever be."

Your voice is calm, almost tender, but I can see the rough edges of
control beneath the calmness.

My heart cries for you. I want to weep like I did as the child I am
no longer – and so I only touch your fingers, hoping you will accept
what ever comfort I can offer you.

---
Inspired from the song "Always" - Bon Jovi:

This Romeo is bleeding, but you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings, that this old dog kicked up
It's been raining since you left, now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up
Now I can't sing a love song like the way it's meant to be
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore, well baby that's just me…

And I will love you, baby, always
And I'll be there forever and a day, always

I'll be there 'till the stars don't shine
'Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you always
---

The End