The BLTS Archive- The Call
Third in the Lost Dreams series
by Lady Charena (LadyCharena@aol.com)

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Feedback: I'd like feedback very much.

A change in time (memories) is marked * // * // * file://*.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek. I borrowed a small part
from it, to have some fun with the Boys. The story is mine and only
fanfiction - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended. If you
are under age, please stay away. If you have a problem with
m/m-relations and -sex - sorry, you've picked the wrong story for your
entertainment. Please be patient with any errors - English is not my
native language. Thanks to my betas T'Len and to T'Boy, who did again
a great job to correct my mistakes. If there are any left, blame me.

Lady Charena 2000

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Now it once more felt familiar to him. The eternal vibration of the
ship under his feet. His crew and old friends aboard the Enterprise.
And Spock.

But his contentment trickled slowly away, as he waited. And waited.
And waited. He had asked Spock to come to his quarters, but the Vulcan
never showed up.

There was a tape on his desk, patiently waiting to be reviewed. The
final reports regarding the transporter-malfunction, which killed
Commander Sonak and Admiral Lori Ciani. He didn't want to look at
them, but in the end he knew, he would have no other choice.

---

Jim Kirk got slowly up and strolled to his desk. He took the tape in
his hand. Lori...

He'd never know why she beamed aboard. Now she was dead. They hadn't
seen each other for months. After their break-up nearly one year ago,
there had been little contact between them. Their marriage was a
failure from the beginning. But not Lori's failure. All she did wrong
was to love him...

* // * // * file://*

The first few weeks had been nearly perfect. He seemed to be healed
from his insane longing for Spock after that mad little scene in the
garden. But then he started to dream. Blurred, indistinct dreams of
Spock. Things from the past... memories mingled with erotic fantasies.
He woke more than once with Spock's name on his lips, the sheets
covered with sweat and semen. He made a thousand excuses, as she
questioned him about this. Sometimes, he buried himself for days in
his work, taking nearly no time to eat or for more than a few hours of
uneasy sleep. Nearly six months after their wedding, Lori moved out of
their shared apartment. Three weeks later she went back to him, after
he promised to be healed - once and forever. A outright lie or
delusion... but to whom had he lied? Lori? Himself? He never knew,
because a few days later he got a short, cool message from the Vulcan.
Informing him, that Spock had resigned and would go back to Vulcan, to
achieve a mental discipline called Kolinahr. It took Jim days to
discover what this Kolinahr was. And when he knew, he got insanely
drunk. The knowledge, that Spock wasn't here anymore, was like a knife
in a open wound. And he was bleeding to death. A few days after the
hangover cleared off, he decided to go to Vulcan. He actually went to
Gol, where the Kolinahru lived in total seclusion, but no one ever
heard his desperate appeal. So he went back to Earth. Two weeks after
this, Lori left him for good. It couldn't touch him. Nothing touched
him anymore. Spock was gone... Somehow he went on with his life, like
he had done before. But there was little more left of him than an
empty shelf.

This went on and on, till V'gers call resounded through the galaxy.
For the first time in years there was again a spark of the old
determination. Jim went to Nogura to claim his ship. He got it back.
And then happened the unforeseeable, the unbelievable - Spock joined
them aboard the Enterprise. At some times, Jim found himself watching
the Vulcan intensely, as if to assure that he was no wretched
hallucination, no wicked dream. Blessed reality, as Spock took his
hand in sickbay, after his nearly fatal meld with V'ger. Their fingers
touched - and an almost painful sensation went through him... like
closing a circuit between them. For a moment he forgot everybody and
everything around them, nearly pouring his mixed-up emotions in front
of the whole sickbay. Or maybe even kissing the dazed Vulcan. McCoy
stopped him and reluctantly he concentrated again on the ship and
their mission. 'Soon' he promised himself. 'Soon...'

But Spock kept himself out of his way as much as possible. The shame
over his failure in front of the masters of Gol still rested heavily
on him. He did not want to deal with the cause of it, too.

Jim didn't give up. And so he cornered the Vulcan at last in the
observation deck, a few hours before their arrival in Earth's orbit.
He stopped for a moment, just inside the room, looking at the too
silent figure of his former lover. Spock stiffened, as from behind
cool human arms went around his waist, to pull him into a unwanted
hug. Jim placed a kiss on his neck and he had to stifle a moan. "I
missed you so," the human whispered, his breath brushing his skin,
causing shivers. "Never leave me again. With you, I lost everything."

"I am here to tell you something, I think you have to know." Spock's
voice was as cold as space outside the big windows. "During my stay on
Vulcan..." Another kiss on this neck and he nearly gasped. The human
could not truly believe... He forced himself to ignore it.

"I felt your thoughts, Jim - on Vulcan. You learned of the destroyed
ships and I..."

Cool lips closed around his lobe, sucking gently and he was not able
to stop the hoarse moan.

"We can always talk later," Jim whispered, turning the dazed Vulcan.
"I need you." He bent his head, to capture soft lips. "I still love
you more than my life."

But Spock jerked his head to the other side, pushing Jim away. "I am
here to tell you something important," he said coolly. He could not
take much more of this. After the meld with V'ger his control was
still brittle. "There is a faint link between us. I do not know, why I
did not discover this earlier. I do not know, why we are still linked
in this way. And I do not know, why you could reach me over a distance
like Earth to Vulcan..."

Jim smiled and pulled him again in his arms. "And that disturbs you, I
know. But this is our fate, can't you see? We're meant to be
together." He kissed Spock, never bothered by the lack of any response
from the Vulcan, stroking his hands up and down the stiff back. This
was heaven... Crushing their bodies together, to show his arousal.
"Without you, even the star's are dark," he whispered.

The Vulcan pushed him away. "No!" He turned, reaching for the shreds
of his control. "I will return to Vulcan."

"But why, Spock? You said, your task on Vulcan was finished. I
thought, you would stay with me."

"And in which function? As your science officer, if you keep your
command?"

"No... yes..." Jim stepped nearer. "You're everything to me", he said.
"I love you, t'hy'la."

"Do not dare to call me..." Spock regained control at the last moment,
closing his eyes. "I cannot be anymore what you want me to be," he
said, his voice now cold as ice. "The link between us will weaken with
the distance. If it is safe to do so, I will seek out a healer to
sever it. There is less than a year left, till my next pon farr
arrives. I do not want to be driven to you like the last time."

Jim reached for his shoulders. "Spock, you know, I will be there for
you. There is nothing, I would not do to..." He searched for the right
words.

But the Vulcan cut in, stepping out of his grip. "It is too late, Jim.
I am what I am. And I found myself longing for more than a bedmate,
who desires my body, but not my mind. I cannot live like this." He
stopped to take a deep, calming breath.

"I tried, Jim, over the years more times then I care to know. I tried
it as I woke in sickbay. I cannot." There was deep pain in his eyes,
like on the day they stood on the red sand on Vulcan. "But I find
myself unable to trust you again." He turned and left the too silent
room.

Jim stood alone in the observation deck of his ship, which lost every
meaning for him, surrounded by stars, which blurred, as he watched
them.

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The End