The BLTS Archive- A Love Supreme by Lady Charena (LadyCharena@aol.com) --- Feedback: Yes, please. Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns all Star Trek. I borrowed just a part of it to play. The story is mine - no moneymaking or offence of copyrights intended. I love my two Boys and I love them most when they're together. So if you're underage or offended by the idea of m/m-relations and -sex, please move on to a more suitable story. Please be patient with any errors, English is not my native language. My thanks to my beta T'Boy. You did a great job, dear. Note: This story was my Christmas gift to somebody very special to me. I hope, you'll enjoy it, too. --- He waits for me. Like he does every night since I arrived in town. He was there as I left the building after the first concert and I amuse myself thinking he will be here after the last, too... "Hi, dark one." It is his usual welcome. He leans against the brick wall of the adjoining building, one foot bent and braced against the wall behind, arms crossed in front of his chest. His bright hair gleams golden in the dim light of the street. And he smiles. As usual. This was the fifth concert I had given this week in this town. It was an overwhelming success like the four previously. It is the fifth night he is standing in the semi circle of light the street lamp casts over him. It is a damp night, even if it is summer on this planet and I tug my cape tighter around my shoulders. I am tired. Maybe this is why I answer tonight for the first time. "Hello, golden one." And he is. His fair skin is slightly tanned, his hair bright. His eyes are hazel with little mischievous golden spots dancing in their depths. My gaze travels down his white shirt, open to his breastbone, revealing smooth skin, to where it disappears in his pants. The jeans he wears are worn and snug. The light plays over the buttons of the fastening and outlines the bulge beneath. There is a lot to see if one cares... and tonight, I do. I feel the first stirrings of desire. I stop on the bottom of the stairs. He smiles. "Why do you call me this?" I inquire. He shrugs. "Because you are." He straightens and crosses the few steps to stand in front of me. "Dark one," he whispers, reaching for me. I am. I have deep black hair; dark eyes and usually I prefer to wear black clothes. Like I do tonight. His hand travels down my chest, rubbing over the velvet fabric of my cape. "I waited for you," he says. "The others already left more than a hour ago." I know. I waited on purpose. Being considered a star, there were usually a couple of reporters and a crowd of fans waiting for me at the exit to the building. I tend to send out the band and their guards first and to wait in my dressing room for some time. Then S'Aris, my personal guard, will accompany me to the car to bring me back to the hotel. S'Aris is not very *fond* of anyone who believes himself clever in waiting by backstage door. But I ordered him to leave the human alone. And I do not know why, something in him... Something pulls me towards him. Maybe he is the one I see in my dreams. No, this cannot be. I dreamt of a bondmate - someone who would share my life. He is just another groupie. But an extremely attractive one. And it had been some time since I last took a lover. Why not? I allow the ghost of a smile to play around my lips and reach for his hand. He closes his eyes as I lick across his palm and along the length of his middle finger. I suck his finger into my mouth; graze it lightly with my teeth. He moans softly. I release his hand and his eyes flutter open. They are bright in the dim light and full of promises, mysteries to unravel. My tiredness vanishes in a surge of arousal. "Come." --- S'Aris is waiting with the car at the corner of the street. He just raises an eyebrow as the human climbs into the aircar to sit next to me. I rest my hand on the human's knee while I order S'Aris to drive to the hotel. He nods and I recline relaxed in my seat. "My name is James Kirk, but I'm called Jim." I turn my head to look at him. He shrugs. "Thought I should introduce myself." I do not answer; turn my head to gaze out of the window. But all I can see is the reflection of his face on the pane. I am aware of the coolness of his skin even through the fabric of his jeans, and feel my penis harden. --- Ben is in our suite at the hotel, courting a voluptuous, giggling redhead in the living room. He lifts his head as we enter. "Hi, Spock. There you are. The others are at the bar." Then his gaze travels over Kirk. "I thought you to have better taste..." I ignore him like I always do. He is a vain bastard, but the band needs him. The human looks at me as I continue to my private bedroom. "So, this your real name? Spock?" I nod briskly. Kirk smiles. "Spock... I like the sound of this." It had been a long time since a stranger called me at this name but I suppress the even stranger feeling accompanying the thought. "I would like to take a shower first. Make yourself at home," I say before I enter my private bath adjoining the bedroom. --- I grew to enjoy water showers since living on Earth. The hot water slides down my body like the hands of a greedy lover. And I allow my arousal to grow even more, while I spread soap over my body. Imagining the mouth of the human, who is waiting in my bedroom, covers my hard flesh. I rub over my sensitive nipples. Suddenly there is a sound outside the shower stall and I freeze. The door slides open to reveal the human. He is naked. "I hate to wait," he explains as he enters the cabin. There is room enough for two and I reach almost automatically for the controls to turn down the stream. His gaze travels down my body and his grin widens. "Hey, save it for me." With this, he is on his knees in front of me. Just the tip of his tongue flickers over the head of my straining erection and I have to brace myself against the tiles of the wall. His mouth is cool heaven as he closes his lips, sucking me in. And I restrain myself barely from thrusting deep into his throat. He is teasing me, wraps his tongue around my hard shaft, traces the double ridges. His hand sneaking between my slightly spread legs, to caress my testicles. He takes me in deeper than I believed him able to accomplish, sucking in earnest now. Heat is gathering in my loins as I grab for his head to speed up his motions. A cool finger, slick with some of the soap, touches the hidden orifice, circling, pushing gradually in. As he brushes the tender spot deep inside of me, I come. --- Slowly I open my eyes. He is still on his knees on the floor, licking the last remains of seed from his mouth. With some effort, I force my heartbeat back to a normal speed and calm my ragged breath. Then I pull him to his feet and kiss the satisfied smile from his lips. --- After a quick shower, we return to the bedroom. As I recline myself against the pillows, the human straddles me. Both palms flat on my chest he watches my face intensely. And I find myself unable to avoid this searching gaze, these golden eyes. He opens his mouth as if to ask something... but bends his head instead and kisses me. I cup his face with my hands; slide my fingers in his still slightly damp hair to savour the silken texture. His fingers pinch my nipples and I have to break the kiss to gasp for air. His touch... the simple feeling of his body hovering over mine arouses me more than any other lover ever before. I am already hard again for him. My stiff penis nudges the crack between his buttocks. And I can feel his smile on my lips as he wriggles his butt against the pressure. "Greedy, aren't you?" he whispers as he licks the corners of my mouth, his hands playing over my flesh, slowly down to the centre of my desire. I do not answer because I cannot trust my voice... His mouth follows the path of his fingers, leaving a fiery trail on my skin. "Lube?" he mumbles against my belly. Somehow I summon the strength to reach for the tube I took earlier from a drawer in the bathroom. With a smile, he plucks it from my hand and settles himself between my spread legs. Watching him from half closed eyes, I refuse to think about my strange passivity. It seems so... right to give control completely over to him... something I never allowed anyone. As he starts to cover my erection with lubricant, I close my eyes. I feel his cool hands caressing me, arousing me even more, until I tremble with sheer need and moan in protest as he removes his fingers. I hear his soft chuckle as he straddles me anew. His lips claim mine and I grab his hips to guide him down on my aching erection. The tip of my penis is nudging at the entrance to his body, then enters. I have to watch his face. His eyes closed, his lips parted, he hovers over me, supporting his weight on arms and knees. Slowly he pushes himself further down on my shaft and I have to consciously restrain the urge to thrust up into him. I watch my penis slowly disappear in his cool tightness. As he rests against my abdomen, I lift my eyes to his face. Sweat covers his features. But as if he feels my gaze, he opens his eyes. He bends his head to kiss me, then straightens again. Both palms flat against my chest, he starts to move. And as I come, I cry involuntarily his name. --- I return to the bed to sit next to him. Kirk still sprawls on the bed as he did when I left him, to fetch a towel and something to drink for us. He gets up to his elbows to clean himself, then drowns his drink in one huge gulp, while I recline against the head of the bed, slowly sipping the beverage. I pluck the empty glass from his hands, put it away with my own, nearly untouched, and pull him up into my embrace. I hunger for the feel of his skin against mine with an almost startling intensity. A satisfied smile plays around his lips, before he turns his head and starts to suck at the tip of my ear. I gasp, his touch is sending shivers of pleasure through my relaxed body. "I never knew a Vulcan to be a famous singer," he whispers. I shrug, a habit I picked up from humans over the years. "Maybe you do not know much about Vulcans." I roll us over until I cover his cool, damp body along the entire length and claim his mouth. Partly because I cannot get enough of his salty taste and partly to stop him from asking questions about things, I do not want to think about. I have been an outcast among my people all my life. My father disowned me. He would not allow me to accept the offer I had received to join a group as its singer. So I said goodbye to her I was not longer allowed to call Mother and left the house I was forbidden to name home now. Too exhausted to get aroused so soon again, I slip back beside him and pull him close to my body. My face tucked in the crook of his neck I fall asleep. --- He is in my arms still sleeping, as I wake a few hours later. Careful not to rouse him I disentangle myself slowly from his cool body. It is early, about four o'clock. To early too rise. But on the other hand, I am well rested. I look at my sleeping bedmate. His hair is tousled and fanned out against the pillow. He smiles. This is something I find rather unsettling. Not the smile itself - but its affect on me. It makes me yearn for his touch. Unable to resist I bend my head to place a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. He stirs, but does not wake. I need to meditate, to think about last night, about the feelings he rouses in me. --- Three hours later, I hear the change in his breath, but do not turn. The sheets rustle as he sits up, then I listen to the sound of his naked feet on the floor, approaching me. His cool hands fall on my shoulders and I look up. "Hi Star," he whispers just a moment before he claims my mouth. As he straightens again to walk away, I grab his arms, pulling him down to kneel next to me on the floor. "Who are you, doing this to me?" I ask. He digs his teeth into his lower lip, a strangely compelling sight. "I'm... I'm just a... fan. Your fan." Something flickers in his eyes, but I cannot tell what it is. He slowly rises to his feet and this time I do nothing to stop him. "I'd like to take a shower before I go." "Go?" I am on my feet and grab his wrists in one swift, nearly instinctive motion. Slowly his eyes meet mine with a puzzled expression. "Yes, I'm due at work in a hour." I raise his hand to press my lips against his cool palm. "Stay at least for breakfast," I hear myself beg. "I'll order while you use the shower." Again, there is this emotion in his eyes I cannot name. But he smiles and nods. "Fine with me," he says before he disappears in the bathroom. For a moment, I just stand there and look at the closed door. Usually I would not have voiced such a wish, but got rid of him hours ago... This is not like me. But still I long to keep him with me. I can hear the sound of the shower being activated. And feel strongly tempted to join him, but instead I cover myself with a robe and go to the living room to order our breakfast. --- As he returns, just a towel around his waist, breakfast is already served on a table beside the bed. I watch him enter the bedroom, while I sip my tea. My composure is sufficiently recovered - or so I hope. He joins me on the bed, eagerly filling his cup with some of the steaming beverage. I watch him sip, lick his lips in appraisal and then reach for a roll. He spreads it with butter, then heaps jam over it. I ordered a human breakfast for him and a bowl of various fruits for me, but I find myself unable to tear my gaze from him. He is finished with the first roll and selects a second as he stops to look at me. "You're not hungry?" he asks. I refill my cup, then meet his eyes. "I am... Jim." A smile lights up his face as I use his name. He takes the cup out of my hand and pushes me back to lay flat on the bed. "I... see," he whispers as he slides his hand down my velvet covered body, to stroke the bulge beneath the fabric. He jerks my robe aside to reveal my erection. "I always love to have breakfast in bed." With this bends his head to suck my penis into his cool mouth. I can barely restrain myself from crying out loud and claw my fingers in the sheet, to stop myself from grabbing his head to thrust heedlessly into him. It does not take long and I spill my seed down his throat. --- As I open my eyes, he is sitting there, licking his lips, a trickle from the corner of his mouth. I pull him down for a hungry kiss, greedy for the flavour of my own seed mingled with his unique taste. He complies happily until we both have to come up for air. I hold his face between my hands to watch the subtle play of emotions wash over his features. "Stay with me," I ask and surprise myself with the words. This is not like me... He opens his eyes and shakes his head. "I cannot," he answers and starts to pull away. I roll us around until I press him down with the weight of my body. "Stay..." I claim his lips before he is able to answer, but I can see regret in his eyes. I slide a hand down to shed his towel, then shrug out of my robe, keeping him down with my body. His cool skin burns against mine as I match us chest to chest, legs to legs, hard length to hard length. I am not surprised to find him aroused - as I am, too. I rub myself against him, stifle his moans with my mouth, thrusting down in the same moment he arches towards me. Too soon, it is over. --- He stirs beneath me, pushes me away. I allow him to sit up, recline still slightly breathless on my side and watch him. He draws a finger through the mess on his belly. "Now I need another shower." There is laughter in his voice. "And a good excuse for my boss. I'll never gonna make it in twenty minutes." "S'Aris can take you in the aircar." He shakes his head. "No way." He reaches for my robe. "Never mind. Where can I make a call?" "In the living room." I get up slowly while he is talking in the next room, pick up my cup and sip at the now cold tea. I consider eating an orange as he returns. "Seems I have an unexpected free day," he says as he joins me. Some of the haze seems to clear out of my mind. "I hope you are not in trouble?" He shrugs. "Never mind." He takes a slice of the orange from my fingers and stuffs it into his mouth. A drop of its juice runs from his lips down his chin and I bend my head to lick it from his skin. He smiles, pushes me down on the bed and I comply. --- Absent-minded I trace Jim's features. Somehow, during the hours spent in pleasure, I stopped thinking of him as a fan wanting to be bedded by his star. I started to think of 'us' instead of 'he' and 'I'. A smile plays around his mouth and I bend my head to kiss it from his lips. I will never get tired of this. He chuckles softly and sucks my tongue into his mouth. But suddenly I hear a grumbling sound. "What..." Jim's laughter stops my inquiry. "I'm hungry," he confesses and pats his stomach. "A human can not exist from love alone." I find it impossible to suppress a tiny smile. "This is a theory to be further investigated..." But after a last kiss, I release him. We shower again and dress in silence. --- The suite is deserted as we cross the living room. It is shortly after midday, so maybe the others are still asleep. I do not care, for now I have something more pleasant to consider - lunch with Jim. The hotel restaurant is not overly crowed and we find at once a suitable table. We eat in silence, communicating with gazes, with the brush of fingers against fingers, like lovers do all times. "How much have you seen of the town?" he suddenly asks. "Not very much," I answer truthfully. There had been an official welcome, including a tour of the city. But at the time, I had been too tired from the journey and not very interested anyway. "I was born in this town. Would you like a tour?" Jim could have asked anything from me at this moment. I just nod and sip at my glass. The wine tastes sweet and tart at the same. And I long to taste it from Jim's lips. Lunch is pleasant but I find myself lacking appetite. Instead, I cannot get enough of hearing his voice, while he talks animatedly about the things he wants to show me. I am lost in the way the light plays over his face, casting shadows here, creating highlights there... "Spock?" With some effort, I find my way back. "Yes?" Amber eyes nearly spill over with laughter. "You've been a million miles away," he teases me. But I pretend not to understand. "I can assure you I have been here all the time." His foot brushes my leg beneath the table and sends an odd shiver through my body. "You know what I mean." I do my best to ignore his remark - and his touch - but I feel a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. "Got you." Of course, his eyes did not miss it. "So... this is what's needed to make a Vulcan smile." He lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "What do I have to do to make you laugh?" Even knowing that he only teases, the thought makes me uncomfortable. As a very small child I often smiled and sometimes laughed... every time my father discovered me doing it, he lectured me about correct Vulcan manner. And a Vulcan does not laugh. Ever. I push the memory aside. Jim would not understand, he is human. Humans are free to express their feelings - everywhere, every time, with whomever they choose. No, he does not understand what he asks for. So I keep my silence. Jim looks at me and I can clearly see the question in his eyes. I put my glass back on the table and rouse. "I would like to hold you to your promise now, Jim." For a moment he seems puzzled by my sudden haste, but then his radiant smile returns. "Ready if you are." I did not expect him to have an interest in museums or art galleries. But he is adept about various subjects we discuss while walking through the exhibitions. Every time I think I start to know him, he shows another facet of his personality. He is fascinating beyond measure. --- After the museum we stroll through a beautiful, lush park. It is warm enough even for me to be comfortable and I feel myself utterly relaxed. We stop at a little meadow and I inhale the fragrances of at least a dozen different flowers. They make me light-headed. Jim throws himself on the thick grass, patting invitingly on a spot at his side. As I sit down next to him, he turns his face to me. "As a small boy I often came here after school. There are flowers and plants from at least fifty different planets. I often dreamt of visiting them all." He falls silent after this, but snuggles up to me. There are no others within sight, so I allow myself to enjoy the pressure of his cool body next to mine. His words roused a memory of a serious young vulcan boy, sitting in the garden of his mother, bent over a book with pictures and descriptions of other planets. There was a time I would have liked to be a scientist. But as a 'half-breed', I was not allowed to visit the Vulcan Science Academy. They confirmed my gifted nature but refused me entrance. I have not thought of it for years now - but it still hurts. --- Jim stirs as if he senses my unease... I push the thought away. "It is time to go back to the hotel," I can hear the regret in my voice. "I need some time to prepare myself for the concert." I reach for his hands. "Will you come tonight? To the concert? I would appreciate it very much." After a moment he nods. I press my lips against his palm. "I will get you a backstage-pass, so you can come to my dressing-room. S'Aris will see to it." After this we return to the hotel in comfortable silence. --- Sheanna, background dancer and one of my few friends, passes by and hugs me as I leave the stage. "You've been fantastic tonight. Even more then usual. What happened?" she asks with a smile. "You look well, Spock. Don't tell me - you're in love?" She vanishes without an answer in a whirl of flying hair and silver laughter. S'Aris is waiting for me, a ghost of a frown of disapproval on his face. "The human is in your room, Sir," he says stiffly and turns to walk away. "S'Aris'Ka?" I carefully pronounce every syllable of his entire name. "Jim Kirk is my guest. You will treat him with all due respect." He just nods and walks away. I find myself unable to explain his confusing behaviour - Kirk is not the first lover waiting for me in my room during a concert. But S'Aris manner is of no importance right now. I am anxious to meet Jim. Tonight is the last concert we give in this town, tomorrow morning we will leave for the next. --- I asked Jim to wait in my dressing room as I have the previous seven nights. When he is not at my side, I feel uneasy. I... yearn... for the sound of his voice, his laughter, the touch of his cool body, during the long hours of the day. And tomorrow... This is something I rather not think of yet. I stop short at the door to my dressing room. When did this start? When did I begin to think like a human? For a moment, I gaze unseeingly at the entry. *Jim* is waiting in there. I can feel him. When did I allow him to become this important in my life? He is just a groupie - like Ben's giggling redhead... 'Enjoy it and forget it,' Sheanna would say and laugh. I am going to end this. I cannot allow him to come this close to me. But not now. In the morning will be early enough. I push the door open. --- He is sleeping now. Lying on his back, one arm neatly tucked beneath his head in an odd childlike gesture. I allow my eyes to trace his body. From the surprisingly small feet along sturdy legs, dusted with a nearly invisible trail of bright hair, towards the genitals in their nest of darker pubic hair, covering the human's groin. I want... need... have to taste him again, just once more... before we have to part in the morning. But not now, I want him to be rested. My gaze caresses his belly, the muscular, smooth chest - moving in the soft rhythm of his breathing... bronze nipples he loves to have sucked. And trails slowly upward, along the sensitive flesh of his neck, covered with marks left from my mouth and teeth, to his face. I memorise the look of... peace there, the slight smile playing around his lips, for the days ahead. The way his lashes rest on his cheeks, the stubborn curl in the midst of his forehead. Jim is so... so human - emotional, sensual, seductive... I never know anyone like him before. --- Five a.m. ... my gaze travels from the clock to my sleeping lover. At some time during the last hours he turned, for now his back is to me. I just have to reach for him... Slowly I draw with my fingertips an imaginary line down his spine to the crack of his buttocks. I hear Jim gasp and it just fuels my arousal. He awakes. I spoon my body close to his, as he turns his head to meet my lips. "Good morning, t'hy'la," I whisper after a too short kiss, using the age-old endearment without conscious thought. "'Sounds nice..." A yawn. "'Morning, Spock. What does t'hy'la mean?" I avoid his eyes. "There... there is no translation for it." Then I claim his mouth again. I can feel Jim's heartbeat as I brush my lips over the sensitive skin of his neck, down to his shoulder. He moans as I bite into the salty flesh, leaving a reddish mark behind. I feel the urge to sink my teeth into him, to taste his blood, but I restrain myself from actually doing so. Releasing him from my arms, I turn Jim over to lie flat on his back. I bend anew my head to kiss his eyes shut. "Just let me love you," I whisper. And I cannot be sure whom I tell this... He arches against my touch as I close my lips around his nipple, sucking hard at the tiny piece of flesh, while I caress the other nub with my fingers. I feel his cool hands in my hair, my face - stroking my cheek, the tip of an ear. I slide deeper, dislodge his hands and place a sucking kiss over his stomach. He jack-knifes and laughs, reaching again for me. I put his arms over his head and silence his protest with a lingering kiss. Jim is ticklish... I run my fingers down his sides to the point where a Vulcan's heart would beat, and listen to his chuckle. I bend my head to press my lips on this spot, savouring the cool skin, the salty taste. I could lie like this forever, enveloped in his scent, his laughter, his coolness. I push such foolish thoughts away and slide deeper to touch my lips to the tip of his erection. Jim gasps. A lick along the length of his penis and he moans. A fingertip at the hidden entrance to his body sends a tremor through him. I suck his entire length into my mouth as my finger breaks the tight ring of muscles. With a strangled cry, he arches against me and I grab his hip with my free hand to stop his motion. I want this to last... --- I lift my head from Jim's belly, my own arousal makes me uncomfortable. But I will not... can not... 'End it now,' a cold voice within me orders. I still feel dizzy from the waves of pleasure rolling over me as orgasm claimed Jim. I am always able to perceive his sensations during our lovemaking, but this time was different - more intense, almost channelled. Jim's fingers are still in my hair... "I'd like you to wake me every morning like this..." he whispers. Every morning... I release Jim from my weight and turn on my side, to hide my face from his eyes. There will be no other morning like this... I harden my resolve and sit up again to look at Jim. He is still sprawled on his back, legs slightly parted, his hair in disarray. He smiles a lazy, satisfied smile I have come to lov... No! Jim opens his eyes, reaches for me. A cool hand brushes my erection. His smile broadens and he spreads his legs wider. "Come, your turn." I hover for a moment on the edge of losing my determination. A bitter taste like regret fills my mouth. He is intelligent, sensual and obviously in love with me. What more could I possibly ask for... I avoid his eyes, his face. *Who are you, doing this to me?"* - *"I'm just a fan, your fan..."* No, he is... cannot be the mate I seek. I could call him t'hy'la like I did this morning but he would not be... not in the true definition of the word. Never be a bondmate. He is human. Jim is human. And humans do not bond. He would not understand. He rouses feelings in me, I am not allowed to feel... Cool fingers on my thigh, stroking, circling. "What's wrong? Don't you..." "No!" I pull back from his tempting touch. Startled hazel eyes meet mine and I avert my gaze. I leave the bed, wrap myself in my robe. I turn my back to the man in the bed. "Go." Silence. Then the quiet tapping of naked feet, approaching me. Cool hands on my shoulders. "Hey, tell me what's wrong, love." I shake my head, unable to speak. I did not think it would hurt so much... Jim's hands slide down my stiff back, rubbing my shoulders, gently massaging against the sudden tension. The tip of a tongue circles the inside of my ear... and I cannot suppress a moan. Soft chuckle answers me. "Come back to bed, Spock. Let me take care of you." I shake off his hands and start to pick up his clothes trailed on the floor, where we left them in our desire for each other the night before. And throw them onto the bed. "Dress," I order coldly. There is a long moment of silence. "No," his voice is a mere whisper. "I don't believe this. You're throwing me out like this? After... all?" I clear my throat. "I no longer care for your acquaintance." The lie nearly chokes me. "You can't be serious." Pain in his voice. "Spock, I lo..." "No!" I cannot stop myself from yelling. "Go. Dress and go." For some time there is only his heavy breath breaking the silence. Then... "Okay," his voice sounds hoarse and I can hear him swallow. "Okay, if this is what you want." I listen to the rustle of his clothes, then his steps. "Spock?" I do not turn. He passes by on his way to the door and I can barely restrain myself not to reach for him. He does not look at me. As he leaves the room, I involuntarily step forward.... as if to follow him. But I stop myself from going any further than the door, and watch him crossing the room. Jim nearly collides with Sheanna who just enters the suite. Her puzzled gaze follows him, then returns to me. The next moment she is at my side. "Spock? Hey, you all right? You look awful. What's wrong?" All I can do is to shake my head and step back, allow the door to close. I sit down on the floor, the wall behind my back the only thing to prevent me from collapsing. For some time I just rest there. --- At last I come to my feet and return to bed, throwing my robe carelessly on the floor. The silk beneath me reminds me of his skin, as I bury my face into the cool material. I can smell him in the sheets, in the pillows. It arouses me. I yearn for him. For a moment I think I can feel his arms, holding me... his mouth brushing mine. This is madness, but I do not care. I rub myself against the sheet. Slowly I turn to my back again, try to will my erection down, but I cannot. I am out of control. I close my eyes - and my fingers around my penis. They are a miserable replacement for the cool one I crave. Two, three times I move my hand fast and hard, then I can come. And the tears I cannot cry burn in my throat. Slowly the pain subsides... leaving a black numbness in my mind. --- The years spent with the mastery of my emotions seem not wasted. My performance tonight was satisfactory. I am sure no one suspects that my mind was not on it. I push the plate back; food has lost all its appeal to me. A touch on my shoulder startles me. I look up only to meet Sheanna's eyes. "Not hungry?" she asks, sitting next to me. She picks something from my plate to stuff into her mouth. The next moment she gasps for air and downs my cup of tea. "Hot... this is hot," she breathes, her cheeks flaming and eyes watering. "Sheanna, you will not find vulcan cuisine to your liking." I order water for her. As it arrives, she downs it with nearly one huge gulp. "Do you feel better?" She nods. "Much better." Her gaze seeks mine. "S'Aris told me where to find you, but he didn't warn me that you're trying to poison yourself." "This dish is not poisonous, rather very spicy for human taste." I avoid her eyes, while I try to hold on to the banter. Sheanna and I have known each other for a long time now. Over the years, she has come close to me - as close as I can allow. But I consider her a friend. "Why did you seek me?" She brushes her hair back. "What's wrong with you?" she asks quietly. "You're obviously not eating and S'Aris says, you do not sleep much." I order fresh tea to postpone a response. "I am well," I answer at last after I receive it. "Yeah, that's why you left out a whole sentence of the last song tonight." I sit up straighter. "I did..." She fleetingly touches my arm. "Relax, no one noticed except the boys and I. But... what's on your mind, Spock? It's not like you to make such a mistake." I find I do not have an answer for her. My mind is on Jim. There - I allowed myself to think his name. "You behave strangely since we left..." "It is nothing," I cut her off. I see my hands - holding the cup - trembling slightly. "Nothing. He is..." I did not intend to say this. But of course, she is after me instantly. "He? Who 'he'?" she urges. "Spock... talk to me." I cannot. Why does she not understand? All I want is to be left alone. I study the contents of my cup and keep my silence. She knows me well enough not to press me harder. "Okay," she says gently. "Okay, you know where to find me, if you change your mind." I will not - I am Vulcan. I do not need these human rituals, talking about things that cannot be changed. I am Vulcan. Kaiidth. I lift my head and meet S'Aris' eyes across the room. I do not remember him coming in. He reported my lack of rest to Sheanna. The guard usually sleeps in the room next to mine. What else does he know, I wonder? He gets up and comes to me, standing very stiff. "S'Aris'Ka - you will cease to worry about me." A shadow crosses his face as I accuse him sharply of worrying about me, but I do not care. "There is no cause." He just nods. "This will be all, S'Aris." He starts to turn, but stops. "Just one thing, Sir," he says noncommittally. He carefully lays a small strip of paper on the table. "Please let me know if I can be of further assistance." With this, he leaves me alone. For a moment, I gaze suspiciously at the paper, before I take it in my hand to look at it. Just two words are on it. Kirk and the name of a street in the town he lives. How can S'Aris know... have I been so obvious? The crushed paper rustles in my fist and almost startled I open my fingers again. Slowly I come to my feet and return to my assigned room. I need to meditate. Maybe I will find peace in it. --- It is logical to seek out a source of disquiet to find a way to eliminate it. So I tell myself repeatedly like a mantra. Again my gaze travels out of the window of the aircar. Four days have passed by since S'Aris laid a strip of paper with Jim's address on the table. Four days in which I could hardly think of anything else. And today I ordered S'Aris to take me to him. Tonight is one of the few evenings we do not perform, so I am free to do so. --- It is early afternoon, as S'Aris stops the car in front of an obviously old building. I get out. For a moment I hesitate, then I open the door. Next to it is a plate, reading: Eris Clek - nothing more. But this is the right address, I already checked. A long corridor leads to a door, printed with the same name - Eris Clek. I knock. My throat is dry; my heart beats too fast. "Come." It is Jim's voice. I slowly push the door open to enter into an office, elegant and functional furnished. Jim is working behind a desk. He looks up. I do not know what I expected - maybe surprise. But he just calmly meets my eyes. "What took you so long?" --- My mind in turmoil, all I can do is gaze at him. I drink in the sight of him in his near uniform-like attire. For a long time we only look at each other. Then Jim gets up. He disappears into a room to his right. Through the open door, I can hear him talking to a woman. "Lori, I'm out for the rest of the afternoon. Please tell Mr. Clek that I finished the calculations. See you tomorrow." Then he is back, only a step away from me. But I find myself unable to move even this small distance. He lifts his hand as if to touch me, but stops. "No," he says quietly, like talking to himself. "Not here." He straightens. "My apartment is a five minutes ride away. Let's get out of here." I follow him like a puppet, drawn forward by invisible strings... --- I do not look at S'Aris' face as Jim enters the car with me and orders him to drive to his apartment. Instead, I stare blindly at the floor beneath my feet. Something like fear, mixed with a strange excitement, pools in my stomach, increases the rate of my heartbeat. We stop in front of one of these anonymous apartment buildings. And anew I follow Jim's lead without a conscious thought. In the close proximity of the lift, I can feel his body next to mine. The coolness of his skin. Too soon the ride ends and again I find myself faced with a door. Jim opens it with an electronic key. "Please come in." I dare not look at his face - but I see his hands tremble slightly. --- Silence. We sit in a small, but elegant living room. Suddenly Jim lifts his head to meet my eyes across the table, which separates us. "Why are you here, Spock?" "I... do not know," I answer truthfully. I have to drop my eyes. Cool fingers brush mine, laying on the smooth, wooden surface of the table. "Spock?" I do not look up. I cannot. "Don't tell me you can't feel it." Something inside my mind struggles to make itself know, but I push it away. I wait for Jim to continue. "Did you really think I'm one of these fools who believe they know everything and in fact know nothing? I know you... at least I do Vulcans." He gets up and turns away from me. "Jim, you do not know..." I try to make him understand, but he cuts me off. "I do understand that we are somehow linked, right?" His words shock me to the core of my being. Linked? Without really knowing it, I come to my feet, too. Passing around the table I stand next to Jim. And reach for the meld points on his face. But he steps back. "Excuse me, I need to get out of this clothes." With this he turns and disappears in an adjoining room. After a moment I follow him. --- Jim shrugs out of his jacket, as I enter the room - his bedroom. His back is turned to me. For a moment he hesitates, but then sheds his shirt too. He hangs it carefully over the back of a chair, before turning to me. "Well?" he asks, crossing his arms in front of his naked chest. "Jim, I..." I take one step uncertainly towards him. "I... may I touch your mind?" He reaches for me and as I take his hand, a jolt like electricity sparkles from the touch. Jim closes his eyes for a moment, then drags me to the bed. He pushes me down to sit on its surface, then lowers himself next to me. For a moment I do not know how to start. But again it is Jim who takes the lead and I follow willingly. He takes my hand anew and presses it to his cheek. Instinctively I sense the meld points and slip easily into his mind. Too easily. I am already familiar with the pattern of his thoughts... as if we did meld before. But this is impossible... I remember the last time we made love and with what clarity I perceived his sensations. The cool touch of his fingertips pressed against my skull... Slowly I open my eyelids to gaze at him. Hazel eyes gleam with anticipation; there is no fear in Jim's face. Rare to find in a human, most of them are afraid of the mind meld. This is why I seldom seek mates from my mother's kind. And if I do, I keep them just for a night or two as lovers and part before I might yield to the urge to probe the mind as well as the body. But Jim... Jim seems not only to accept my mind touch, but he is actually initiating it. This should not be possible, he his human - but I receive clear images from his mind. I lower my shielding to grant him access to mine. --- ...A young human sits in a library, studying tapes about Vulcans... the same human - Jim, somewhat older, but it is nevertheless Jim - talking to a Vulcan ambassador. I recognise with shock my own father. Sarek talking with Jim, more animated than ever I saw him... Upset I break the meld, jerk my hand from his face. Pain flashes over Jim's features. "Why?" my voice is a hoarse whisper. "Why did you do this?" Jim opens his eyes and swallows visibly. "Because I always ever knew I would meet you one day," he answers quietly. "I didn't know your name or your face. But I saw you in my dreams..." Still disconcerted I stare at him. "In your dreams..." I replay slowly. This is impossible. I must have lost my senses - that is the only explanation I have. But I am sane. I can feel it now, the link - a silver chain, stretched between Jim and me. It scares me. "Easy," Jim's voice breaks through the haze in my mind. He pushes me down to lay flat on my back. "I know it's kind of a shock. It took me some time to come to terms with it myself when I first saw your face in the news." The steady flow of his words soothes me. Like the subtle play of his hands, sliding over my arms, my shoulders. I grasp his fingers. "Jim...," I whisper. "You are not the only one who dreamt." I pull his hands to my mouth to place a kiss on his palms. "You mean... you, too?" Jim sounds incredulous. He pulls his head back, leaving me bereft. "But why then did you throw me out like that?" Now it is my turn to swallow nervously. " I am not sure, if I can explain," I answer after a moment. "You... my response to you... startled me." "You're right, I do *not* understand." But there is something in his eyes... "You made me feel, t'hy'la." I can find no other words to explain. A smile lights up his face. "Spock - you're trying to tell me, you've fallen in love with me?" he asks gently. I just gaze at him. And then he bends his head to cover my mouth with his cool lips. --- Again little jolts of electricity spark between us as we kiss hungrily. I close my hands around Jim's face to keep him near as I deepen the kiss, sucking his tongue into my mouth. I feel his searching fingers on the fastener of my tunic, releasing it, and the black material falls open. I moan into his mouth as he touches my naked skin. Intellectually I know we should stop, should talk first. But I find myself unable to stop. My hands travel down his back to cup his buttocks as he rubs against me. Jim pushes himself away from my touch as he breaks the kiss to breath. "Don't you think, this would be more comfortable, if we get out off these clothes?" All I can do is nod and watch as he sheds the remainder of his clothing. Afterwards I arch my back to assist him in removing mine. And then he is back in my arms again - cool, slightly damp skin sliding over mine. I feel his erection poking into my hip as he settles himself on top of me. "I missed you," he whispers, sucking at the tip of my ear. Now, with the link between us open, there is no need for words and I claim his mouth. Jim thrusts against me, but I need more. I roll us around until I lay atop of him and seek his eyes. With a smile, Jim opens his legs wider to give me permission. But it is not what I want now. I get up to kneel beside him and bend my head to suck at his nipples. With a moan, he arches towards my touch, but I have already released the hard nub and slide deeper. I dip my tongue into his navel and hear him chuckle, because he is ticklish there. I bury my nose for a moment in his pubic hair before I close my lips around the head of his penis. His taste fills my mouth; his moans are my entire world as I press the tip of my tongue in the tiny slit to taste him... Not enough. I release him, ignore his murmur of protest as I lie beside him on my belly. I send him a picture of us, locked in the embrace of lovers, my surrender to him. I turn my head to face him. He meets my eyes, touching my cheek with his fingertips. "You're sure?" I nod and close my eyes. The bed shifts as he comes to his knees, leaning over me to grab something from the drawer beside the bed. A moment later, something wet and cool trickles down the crack between my buttocks and I shiver. A slick finger probes my entrance and I order my body to relax. I gasp as his finger enters me. "Easy." Jim's free hand roams over my back, my thighs, stroking, soothing. A second digit enters me, stretching, circling until I start to rock back on his touch. A third... I feel Jim's lips on my neck and tremble with need. "Now, please. Jim. T'hy'la..." I reach behind me to guide him nearer. But Jim laughs and evades my grip. "Patience, love. Soon." And again he bends his head to lick and nip my neck, my ears. Through the link, I sense his reluctance and the cause for it. "You will not hurt me, please, Jim." I am not above begging anymore. As he straddles me, I nearly sob in relief. He withdraws his fingers and then I feel his penis nudging at the entrance to my body. And I push back to impale myself. As easily as I earlier slid in his mind, he enters me now. Cool fingers close around my penis to stroke me in time with his thrusts. Too soon, it is too much. Impaling myself once more I press my face into the pillow to stifle my scream as I come. A moment later, I feel Jim tumbling over the edge too. --- I open my eyes after a while, as I lay secure inside the circle of cool arms. Jim is curled up behind me, his body pressed close to mine. His face tucked into the curve of my neck. I can feel the steady beat of his heart. "You okay?" he whispers, though I give no sign of being awake. It is not necessary, because of the link between us. "I am... well, t'hy'la," I answer, reaching for his hand, resting slightly above my heart. I pull it towards my face to place a kiss on every fingertip. "I must ask your forgiveness, Jim." "For what? Loving me?" He is solemn despite the teasing sound of his words. Slowly I turn to my back to face him, reaching for his second hand too. "For forming a link to you without your consent. This is a very serious crime on my home wor... on Vulcan." "You never told me..." he says. "What t'hy'la means," he continues as I look at him puzzled. For a moment, I am not sure how to reply to this. "Jim, you're evasive on purpose. To force a link..." "You did not force me!" he answers with surprising anger. He pulls his hand from my grip to close them around my face. "You hear me?" His kiss is hungry and demanding and for a moment, I am tempted to postpone this discussion and to give in to him. But he is first to break the kiss. "I'm no telepath and I don't know nearly as much as I'd like to about this. But it feels right to me, Spock. I... trust you. I loved you even before I knew your name." There is something in his eyes... an emotion I had a flicker of on our first night. Now I know... it is love. But I sense a faint touch of regret in his thoughts. I extend two fingers to draw them along the line of his cheek to his chin. "What is it, t'hy'la?" I ask. His smile does not reach his eyes as he leans into the touch. "Nothing. Nothing important right now. Why won't you tell me what t'hy'la means? I've read it few times before, but there was no translation." "It is high-Vulcan, a very old concept of warriors." I brush the meld points in his face with the tips of my fingers. "The word itself means friend, brother, lover. But I would rather show you than explain." I continue the feather-like caresses, mesmerised by the subtle play of emotions and thoughts I sense beneath the cool, silken skin. He closes his eyes. "What about S'Aris? Doesn't he wait for you?" Jim whispers. "Jim, he is able to take care of himself," I answer, tracing the slightly arch of his brow - not like a Vulcan. Human. Mine... He smiles as he slides over to cover me with his body. "And I will take care of you..." --- Again, I am not overly hungry. This time I rather enjoy watching Jim feed his ravenous appetite. It is early evening and I am... feeling strangely relaxed. I feel... free. Even if there is no way to deny my feelings for him any longer, I am not entirely comfortable with them. I lift my eyes to find his gaze on me. He reaches across the table to brush two cool fingers over the back of my hand. "You're awfully quiet, love. Don't say you have to go soon." I take his hand into mine. "No, Jim. I am free for tonight." He smiles. "Does this mean you're staying for breakfast, too?" --- "T'hy'la?" I inquire quietly. He stirs beside me, rolling on his side to face me. "Yes." "Will you come with me?" I listen to his steady breath. No other sound disturbs the peace of night. Just enough light for me to see his features falls through the big windows across the room. "Come with you?" he echoes. "I hate to say this... but I can't." His answer startles me more than I have thought possible. I sit up to look at him. "Jim, you..." "Hush..." Two fingers on my lips cut off my protest. "Let me explain," he says. "But first, lie down again. Please, Spock." I lie back, my mind in turmoil. The bitter taste of rejection fills my mouth. "Turn over." I obey without a word. Turn my face into the pillow as he straddles my waist. The gentle brush of lips on the sensitive flesh of my neck, his hands follow. As he begins to massage my tense shoulders, he also starts so speak. "You see... Eris Clek is not only my boss. He is my friend, too." I cannot stop myself from flinching. Another sign how far I have fallen from my usual behaviour. I am not shielding so Jim senses my... dismay. "Silly Vulcan," he whispers. "I didn't say he is my lover. He isn't. Eris is like a father to me. Okay?" Another feeling - shame. I just lie still as he resumes his massage. "The year I was ten years old my father died in an accident. My mother became ill six years later and passed away. I still have an older brother, but he left Earth years ago. My father worked for Eris and he... adopted me, one can say. He has no family of his own." He pauses for a moment to massage a stubborn knot of tension out of my shoulders, then continues to speak. "After school I started to work for him. Over the years, I took more and more responsibility over. Eris is an old man now and he leaves the business almost entirely to me. He needs me." "So do I," I am unable to stop myself from actually speaking the thought aloud... My choked voice sounds strange in my own ears. He bends forward to press his forehead to a spot between my shoulder blades. "I know, Spock," he whispers. "And I waited for so long to hear you say it. But as much as I'd love to come with you... it's impossible." "But there are always possibilities." I cannot stand by and watch him slipping through my fingers. Not now or ever. "We will find a solution. Jim, I can..." "Hush," he cuts me off. "We really should postpone this discussion to another time. We can talk tomorrow. It's late." Jim moves to stretch beside me. And as he open his arms, I come willingly into his embrace. But it takes me a long time to fall asleep, too. --- He leaves in a hurry the next morning. Asking me to stay as long as I want in his apartment. But without him the rooms have no meaning for me and after a shower I call for S'Aris. During the ride back I surprise myself, surrendering again to dark thoughts of losing Jim. I sigh and lift my head, only to meet S'Aris' gaze. The car already stands in front of the hotel. We have arrived. Maybe he, too, has lived for too long among humans - I certainly have - but for a moment I actually see a flicker in his eyes - amusement about my preoccupation. Impossible... I decide to ignore it. "Is there anything, S'Aris?" I inquire coolly. He moves his head in the vulcan gesture of negative. "No, Sir." His eyes carefully bleak now. I return to my rooms and busy myself with preparations for the concert tonight. --- Jim did not show up after the concert. I expected him to wait in my dressing room, but he was not there. I send S'Aris to inquire if there is a message for me while I wait to leave the building. Try to meditate but fail. I am uneasy. A knock at my door startles me from my thoughts. But it is only S'Aris. He has no answer to my question. I retrieve my usual manner with some effort and leave the building. Half expecting to find Jim waiting for me. Of course, he is not. Back in the hotel, I decide against a meal with the others and go straight to my room. --- I stop just inside the door. Two candles are lit on a table beneath the window, casting their soft light over two glasses filled with a deep red liquid. The shower is activated. The rate of my heartbeat increases as I lower my mental shielding... Jim! He is really here. Until now, I did not know how much I feared he would not come. Relief is flooding me and I have to sit down on the bed and close my eyes. As I open them again, Jim is standing in front of me, clad in one of my robes. "Do you mind?", he asks, tugging on the belt. I shake my head, not trusting my voice now. He crosses the few steps separating us and places his hands on my shoulders. "Hi, love," he said. "You look tired." For a moment, I bury my face in the soft cloth covering his chest, inhaling the tantalising scent of his clean skin. "It is of no consequence," I answer quietly. His hands come around my face to tip my head back, so I have to meet his eyes. "Everything all right? You..." I claim his lips before he can speak any further. But after a too short time he pulls away from me. "Come, there is something I have to tell you." He reaches for me and I get up to follow him to the laid table. "I didn't make it in time to the concert, so I decided to wait here for you. Sheanna let me in. I was delayed because I spoke with Eris, Spock." He stopped to take a sip from his glass. I am hard pressed to not ask him for details, but give him the time he obviously needs. As he continues, he avoids my eyes. "I asked Eris for three months leave. After this he awaits my final decision." "Jim, I..." He stops me with a gesture. "Wait, please. Spock, we've known each other for only two weeks now. I cannot give up my entire life on the strength of a dream. I think you understand." "It is only logical." It is the only answer I can think of. He laughs. "I'll take this as a compliment," but sobers instantly. "Neither of us can say if this..." his hand points toward me and then to himself, "...relationship is going to work." Of course, he is right. There are no guarantees. But a very unvulcan hope rises inside me, pushing the doubts away - and I do not care. I will win him for me. I put my untouched glass down and reach for his hand. "Jim," I say, stroking the back of his hand with two extended fingers - a gesture on Vulcan similar to a kiss. "I am honoured, t'hy'la." Jim closes his eyes, as I send mental caresses, too. "I love to hear you saying this to me," he whispers. Without pulling back his hand, he rounds the table to stand beside me. Sliding his free hand in my hair, he bends his head to kiss me. I revel in the sweet/tart flavour of wine, mingled with his unique taste, filling my senses. But too soon, he breaks the kiss to back up one step, dislodging my hands at the belt of his robe. "You're one greedy Vulcan, you know?" he laughs. "I feel like celebrating tonight." I get up, trying to steer him towards the bed. "So do I, t'hy'la." He puts a hand on my chest in a half-hearted gesture to stop me. "Later. First, I need something to eat. Have to keep my strength up." While he vanishes into the bathroom to retrieve his clothes, I return to the table to sip at the wine. I am anxious to taste it again from Jim's lips. --- We go down to the hotel restaurant; it is open the entire night. Even at this late hour there are several tables occupied. At one of them I see Sheanna and Ben talking animatedly, bent over a table covered with notes. Sheanna lifts her head in time to see us enter. She smiles and waves a hand to come over and join them. It would be impolite to ignore her - even if I would prefer to eat alone with Jim - so I go to her. "Hey you two. Didn't expect you to show up tonight at all." There is no scorn in her voice, she just loves to tease me. From the corner of my eyes I see Jim blushing, then smile. This is interesting... But before I can think further about it, Ben is cutting in. "Didn't we agree, Spock - no pets while we're on tour?" His words are directed toward me, but his gaze is fixed to Jim. For a moment, there is only silence. Then Sheanna speaks. "Ignore him, he's in bad mood because there are no giggling little Redheads around, waiting for him." I just turn away. "Hey, lighten up, will you?" Jim says as we settle at a table in the opposite corner of the room. "I don't care about his words and so shouldn't you." I do not answer, but nod once. It seems to satisfy him, because he reaches for the display to order our meal. "This Sheanna," he asks in a casual voice some time later, after the arrival of our order, "she's a friend of yours?" "Yes. Sheanna and I have known each other for several years." I gaze at him, one brow cocked. "Just curious," he replies, than attacks his food. I find I do not care much for the meal, but enjoy watching him eat. --- We spent three months in a haze of pleasure and love, learning each other and the link between us. As they ended, Jim went back to Eris Clek for two weeks, to terminate his contract with him and to seek a replacement for himself. Tonight he will be back and I find myself almost unable to concentrate. After tonight, he will be mine forever. I am going to ask him to bond with me. --- I enter my room at the hotel and he is there, waiting for me. The next moment he is in my arms, his tongue invading my mouth. His thoughts brushing mine. He is quite adept now in using our link. ...missed you... ...as did i, t'hy'la... my days and nights were lonely and cold without you... I slide my arms around his waist to pull him even closer to me, I would mould his body into mine if I could. I feel his erection through the fabric of his pants and sneak a hand between our tight-pressed bodies. We separate long enough to come up for air and shed our clothes. Desire is burning inside me and I release his lips long enough to put two fingers into his mouth to wet them with saliva. Then I kneel in front of him, taking his penis in as deep as possible, revelling in his cry of pleasure. As my first finger invades him quite roughly, he groans with surprise and discomfort over the lack of lubricant, but pushes back all the same to take it in deeper. The link fully open now I feel the plump pressure of two fingers breaking the tense ring of muscles. His hands grab my head and he starts to thrust deep into my throat, nearly gagging me. I brush his prostate with my fingertips as he stiffens and his seed fills my hungry mouth. --- I grasp him as he slides down to kneel next to me. He moans into my mouth, as I claim his lips again. Then I come to my feet, his face at exactly the right height for me to push my own erection into it. I feel his amusement over the link before all my nerves overload and I come. Slowly I open my eyes to look at Jim. He still kneels on the floor, licking his lips - like the first time we made love. I pull him to his feet and kiss him. Somehow we make our way to the bed and I push Jim down, follow and cover his body with mine. I am erect again and release his swollen lips only to turn him to his belly. I use my mouth to draw an imaginary line down his spine and feel him shiver, while my finger invades anew his rectum. Sitting up I straddle him. With two fingers, I spread more saliva over the entrance to his body and push in. He moans and I feel my penis harden even more. He starts to thrust back, but I withdraw my fingers to replace them with the tip of my penis. He cries out as I enter him. Over the link, I am aware that I am hurting him, but I cannot stop. He is mine. --- My face pressed against his neck, my arms around his waist as if I fear he would otherwise vanish, I listen to his slowly abating breath. "Spock?" I dare not answer. Slowly he turns in my arms to his back, flinching as he stretches his legs. "Hey," he whispers. "I had no idea you would miss me so much." His fingertips rub along my cheek, over lips, nose. "I hurt you," I hear myself say, my voice choked. "How can you joke now?" Jim turns my head so I have to face him. He smiles. "I'm gonna be sore as hell tomorrow, but you didn't hurt me. Did I do anything to stop you? No, I didn't. Because I wanted you as bad as you wanted me. Stop fretting." He snuggles up to me, but cannot prevent flinching. "Let me help." His words fail to relieve me, but at least I can take his hurt. As he nods, I brush over his temple and block the pain. Slowly I pull my hand back, afraid to touch him... but Jim reaches for it. "Don't shut me out. Touch my mind and see for yourself." But I shake my head. "This would not be wise, you're exhausted, t'hy'la." So am I, to be honest... He just smiles and places a kiss on my palm. For a long time I guard his sleep. --- I wake to find a cool body pressed close to mine. For a moment I expect him to vanish, as he does in my nightmares, during nights we are apart. But even as I open my eyes, he is still here. Touching his temple I probe the link deeper, assuring myself that he is just sleeping soundly. There is still some lingering pain from my rough penetration. Unthinkingly using an old technique, I block the pain and send him into a deep, healing sleep. I jerk my hand back, shocked at myself. To use the link like this without his consent... Last night I learned that it is too early for us to bond. My control in all regarding Jim is still too brittle, my desire for him too strong - I fear to hurt him even worse than I did tonight. For the moment, the link between us will be enough. --- I have never before been happy in my life. Now with Jim I am. I am anxious to see him after the concert. I enter my dressing room, but again he is not there. He has not been since our arrival in this town. Two hours later, I return to the hotel to find him at the bar. "I missed you after the concert," I say and sit next to him, two fingers extended towards him. He does not answer, nor touch my fingers. I withdraw my hand, puzzled. "T'hy'la," I inquire softly, there are other around, "is anything amiss?" He slowly looks at me. "Givin' a fan an audience... Star?" he asked. His words are slurred, his hazel eyes dull and unfocused - he is inebriated. I take the glass from his hand. "Jim, please. Come with me." I get up and reach for him, but he refuses my help. At last, he follows me into our room without a scene. --- Throwing himself flat on his belly on the bed, he turns away from me. "I do not understand, t'hy'la," I ask, lowering myself to sit next to him. "What is wrong?" I see him rubbing his temples. "I'm tired," he says. "I don't want to argue with you, Spock." I slide a hand down his back. "I also do not seek an argument, t'hy'la," I replay gently. No answer. I bend forward to press my lips to the back of his nape, my hands sneaking beneath his body to slide into his loose shirt. But there is still no reaction to my caresses. I nip at the sensitive skin of his neck; trace the strong heartbeat beneath with the tip of my tongue. "Spock, please. I have a headache." He turns away from my touch. "Let me rub your temples..." It had helped the few times Jim experienced ginning headaches after our melds. But he jerks his head away. "No." It hurts to be rejected, but I respect his wish and leave him alone. I get up and decide to take a shower. --- When I return, he is asleep. Sprawling on the bed as I left him, on his belly, his face bedded on his arms. I shed my robe and slip beside him. Near enough to feel the coolness of his body, but not too close to disturb him. But sleep eludes me. Instead I start to think about how Jim's behaviour changed. I am not sure when it started or why I could not see the changes earlier. They were minor, and so easy to oversee... he does not laugh so often as in the first months I knew him. Sometimes I think I fell in love with his silver laughter. A very unvulcan thought, but my only truths. He complains about waiting for me in the dressing room while the concert, but will not watch the performance either. He sometimes drinks too much. And most times I am the one to initiate our lovemaking. Thinking about this it strikes me that we do not meld either. Jim and I have been together for eight months now and during the first six months we melded quite often. After all these years of deprivation I have hungered for the touch of another mind. I sit up, reclining against the pillows and turn my head to look at him in the dim light. His face is relaxed in sleep, but a tightness around his eyes remains, a sign of stress. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers. I cannot allow this... cannot lose him. --- He stirs and I settle myself back into the pillows. I do not want him to feel monitored. He turns to his back, his eyes open. I listen to his breath. I hear the rustle as he sits up to remove his clothes. "I know you're awake." His voice sounds hoarse, startles me from my thoughts. I keep silent. A cool hand strokes along my side to rest above my heart and I lift my head to gaze at him. Slowly Jim moves from the edge of the bed to close the distance between us. His cool body melds itself into mine and I shiver. I feel his mouth along the line of my cheek, chin, at last settling above my lips. The tip of a tongue outlines my lips and I grip his head to steady him as I kiss him. His touch sends my nerves aflame, still like the first time. But I find myself strangely distant at the same moment, watching his face, his body, while he arouses me slowly, deliberately and very skilfully. His eyes are closed as he straddles my thighs, and I reach automatically for the meld points to join us. But he catches my hand before I can touch his face. He opens his eyes and for a long moment I am not sure... desire... yes, but mixed up with something else. He places a kiss on my palm. Then he presses it against his chest. I can feel the faint beat of his heart beneath the cool skin. His hand stays atop mine as he slides it slowly down, across his belly to close my fingers around his erect penis. "I need you to touch me," he whispers. "This way." I try to read his eyes, but he bends his head. I close my fingers around his penis, slowly stroking him. I hear him gasp as I rub my thumb over the head of his erection. Coming up to his knees, his hands gripping my shoulders, he starts to thrust in my hand. His head thrown back, sweat covers his forehead... I am unable to tear my gaze from his face. Mesmerised I move my hand, my rhythm guided by his harsh breathing, his moans. Nearly without conscious thought, I close my free hand around my own erection, matching his thrusts with the movement of my fingers. The sound he makes as he comes, the feel of his seed covering my hand, splashing on my belly and chest, finishes me just a moment later. --- Slowly he lowers himself to sit across my thighs and allows me to pull him into my embrace. I feel his breath brushing over the sensitive skin of my neck as he hides his face against it. "I love you, Spock. You know?" His words startle me from my drifting thoughts. "Yes, I know, t'hy'la," I answer, puzzled by this human need for repeated affirmation. He pulls back from me to close his hands around my head, his eyes searching my face. He seems to wait for me to say more. But I do not know what he expects from me. So I keep my silence. After a moment he averts his eyes and leans forwards. I expect him to kiss me, but instead he presses his forehead against mine. I am not sure how to react. He keeps his shields up, but during the touch, I sense he is in distress. "Jim, what is amiss?" I ask, but he cuts me off, moving his thumb to cover my lips. "Don't talk," he whispers. So I just lay my arms around his waist, pull him even closer to me. I feel like I have made a mistake, but I do not know when or how... --- It is dark outside. I find myself pressed close against the pane. The glass is smooth and cool beneath my palms and reminds me of his skin. But Jim is not here. It is dark outside... and the darkness and the cold is in me, too. I gaze out to the stars - but I see his face reflected on the window. One of the main reasons I chose this apartment was the possibility of seeing the sky. And sometimes, knowing in which direction I have to look, I imagine seeing Eridani... --- We had an argument. Not the first - but the first serious. The tour ended two weeks ago and we returned to the house in San Francisco we call home. We - meaning Sheanna, Ben and I. And now Jim. Or so I thought. After ten months of performing, with seldom more than one free night each week, we were all exhausted. While the others vanished all over the planet to visit their families or friends, we returned to the house we own together. I too, welcomed this break. Jim and I would have possibility to spent as much time together as we liked. No rehearsals, no performances. Time for long talks or comfortable silence or pleasure - neither of us to too tired for thorough lovemaking. The house actually consists three separate apartments, so either of us would have their privacy fully guaranteed. Being most of the year on tour none need single accommodations of their. Being sick of anonymous hotel rooms however, we decided years ago to buy it together as a kind of sanctuary. Since the day I moved in, I have considered these rooms a retreat. Sheanna and even Ben respect my wish for solitude, for even after all these years, it is much needed after months of the atypical... openness... that I show with every performance. But this time I looked forward spending these two months in Jim's company. And the first, few days were very pleasurable. We investigated San Francisco - a town I have live in for almost ten years now - and Jim taught me to see things I never had before. We spent an entire day at the beach, looking for sea gulls and seeking shells. If it had not been the wrong season we would have slept that night there in the open. I did not try to talk with him about the last weeks, about the estrangement between us I could clearly sense, during this trip or afterwards. The right opportunity never arose. I just revelled in the feel of contentment he radiated. Three days later - this morning to be precise - we started to argue. --- I am not sure how it started. We had breakfast in the little kitchen of my apartment, talking about our plans for the day. I looked at Jim, who was idly stirring his coffee. He did not answer my last question. "Jim?" "No." "No?" I repeated puzzled. "No, I'm not going to do what-ever-it-was you wanted." He sounded angry and I touched his free hand, noticing for the first time his untouched breakfast. "Jim, if you have other plans for today, you just have to tell me so," I said. But he jerked his hand away. "Just leave me alone." He got up. "I need some fresh air. If you'll allow it?" His voice grew sarcastic over the last words. I just nodded and pulled my hand back. His rejection hurt no less than it did the first time... For a long moment he stopped at the door as if waiting for me to say something, but I did not know what he expected from me. He left the apartment without a further word. --- Reluctantly I leave my position at the window and go to my meditation niche. I kneel down, hands folded in the required gesture and try to achieve the first level. I fail. There is a nagging of unease inside me and I am unable to overcome it. It is the link. Strong - despite our previous estrangement and a lack of use - it draws me to Jim. But he does not want me anymore. He stayed away the whole day, closing me off. A knock at the door startles me from dark thoughts. I leap to my feet - maybe... no, it is not Jim. "Come." Sheanna. She stops in the door unsure whether to come in. "Sorry for disturbing you," she says with a little shrug. "Is everything all right?" I avoid her eyes, looking at my steepled fingers. "I just want to look after you, because you didn't show up for dinner." Dinner? Yes, I remember now. Sheanna invited us to share dinner with her. "Where's Jim?" I do not know how to answer her but obviously I do not have to. She closes the distance between us, and I think something in my face gives me away. Her voice softens as she reaches out to lay a hand on my arm. "What happened? Did you have a fight?" "We had different opinions." I listen to my stiff words and they sound ridiculous - even in my own ears. Yes, we did fight. I seem unable to understand Jim. I seem unable to give him what he needs or why else would he run away from me, close me off. I fail him after all he has given up for me. I know I will never say these words aloud. "I'm so sorry for you," she says, hugging me and I admit the weakness to need the comfort she offers so freely. Even if I yearn for other arms... "You two seemed to be made for each other. Want to talk about it?" I shake my head; avoid her eyes. "Look, I'm not asking out of curiosity, I just want you to be happy," she insists. Somebody clears his throat and I lift my head to look over Sheanna's shoulder. "Jim!" I feel relief and a smile is tugging at the corners of my mouth - he is back. It dies as he starts to speak. "Sorry for... intruding," he says, his face pale and unreadable. " I just wanted to..." With this, he turns and leaves the apartment. --- For a moment, I gaze unseeingly at the door. "Shit!" Sheanna startles me and I look at her. She steps back, releasing me from her embrace. "I didn't want this, Spock. I'm sorry." I am not sure if I understand, my mind trapped in a haze, but I go after Jim. That is the only thing I know, I have to follow him now. --- A moment later, I find him. Jim leans against the wall separating the garden from the street. I stop at the door. One foot bent and braced against the wall, his arms crossed in front of his chest, he obviously waits for me. And it is surely not unintended that he chooses to stand here, posed as he was on the night we first met. Only this time there is no street lamp casting her soft glow over him. "Hello golden one," I say softly. But he does not answer. "Jim, please. We need to..." "What do you call her? Brunette one? Do you call all your lovers by the colour of their hair?" He sounds angry and hurt and these are exactly the feelings I sense radiating from him. But the link is still closed to me. Without conscious thought I approach him, back him up against the wall and take his face in both hands, so he has to meet my eyes. "Jim, you will not tell me that you are really jealous of Sheanna?" "Well, finding you wrapped up in each other like this..." His voice trails off. I open my mouth to tell him about the illogic of being jealous as a memory strikes me. When I was a child, I owned a pet sehlat who was my only playmate. The animal was not bothered of my being half-human. But every evening he ran to greet Sarek the moment he entered the house, in spite of being ignored. And every time I felt something like a... stab inside of me. I adored my father, but was never allowed to show it. But even this animal was free to do so... I slowly open my eyes without knowing when I closed them. Jim meets my gaze. "I'm emotional, but I'm no animal," he spits furiously, trying to get out of my hold. He must have sensed the memory through the touch. I am not shielding. "No, Jim, please. You misunderstood." "Did I? What can be misread if you... compare me with a pet?" "But I did not... Jim!" He frees himself from my grip and I let him go. How could everything go so wrong between us? I have never thought of him as a pet. He turns to walk away. "Jim, wait. Please let us go inside. It is cold." He does not listen to my words and with a nearly inaudible sigh I decide against returning to my apartment to pick up a cape. And go after him. --- He seems not bothered that I follow him, but neither does he stop. We pass along the street, from one little island of light cast from the street lamps to the other. I watch his stiff back, the set of his broad shoulders and reach along the link to sense his feelings. I encounter a grey mental wall, blocking me out from his mind. I could break through if I would; he is still a human even with this remarkable mind. But I could never hurt him in this way. So I withdraw and settle to follow him, wherever he chooses to go. We end up in a little park and I have to think of him, sitting in the sunlight, next to me and talking about his dreams... Jim turns and I push the memory aside. "Can't you just leave me alone?" he asks and this time there is no anger in his voice, only a deep sadness. I stop. " I cannot," I answer truthfully. I reach out to brush his arm with my fingertips. "I cannot." He turns away from me to gaze into the darkness. "I feel like... I'm closed off from everything important to me," he says after a while, his voice so quiet I nearly miss his words. "I feel like a... a plaything. Sitting around in your room, waiting for you to come back." "Jim, I did not know..." I cut myself off. Did I really not know that he was unhappy? Or did I *choose* not to see it, because I feared losing him? He continues, ignoring me. "At first it was... not really important. You were all that mattered. But I'm not used to sitting and waiting and..." He stops to take a deep breath. "I don't want you to misunderstand... I still love you more than my life. But I cannot live this way." For a long time there is only silence between us. I have to suppress a shiver the cold is affecting me. Or maybe it is the cold inside me. "You are saying you are leaving me?" I ask, my mouth dry, my heart beating so hard Jim must hear it, too. Slowly he turns. "No." His smile is sad. "I don't think that I could. I tried the whole day to stay away from you, to find out about my own feelings." He shrugs. "I just want to go back for some time. I'd like to visit Eris and my old friends." I feel like something inside of me tears. I have to concentrate to understand his next words. He is calling my name. "Spock! You must be freezing. Come." I feel him tugging my arm. --- I do not remember much of the walk back to the house. "Sit down." I let him push me into a chair and lift my head. We are back in my apartment. A blanket comes around my shoulders and then Jim is kneeling in front of me. He takes my hands into his own, rubbing my fingers gently. "I am sorry," he says, placing a kiss on each palm before he releases my fingers. The warmth spreads a tingling sensation through my entire body. I reach for him. "Jim..." He shakes his head. "I'm just going for some tea. You need to get warm." With this he vanishes into the next room. I gaze blindly at my still slightly stiff fingers as he returns, pushing a cup in my hands. Then he pulls a second chair next to mine. After a moment he rises again, putting his cup on a nearby table and steps behind me. He pulls the blanket halfway down and starts to massage my shoulders. I move my head in the manner of negative, despite my continuous shivering. "Silly Vulcan," he whispers, his breath brushing my ear. "If you don't want me to go - say it." But I cannot. If he wishes to visit his friends, I have to let him go. So I keep silent, while he waits for an answer. After a while he returns to massaging my shoulders and I sip my tea. --- Despite my inner turmoil I react to his ministrations and feel my body relax. As he stops, I reach for his hand to place a silent kiss of gratitude on his palm. But I avoid his eyes. He slowly pulls his hand back, fingers curling protectively over the spot where I touched his skin with my lips. "I'm tired," he says. "Come?" There is a certain gleam in his eyes, telling me he is up for more than sleep. But I cannot. Not now. I have to meditate. So I ignore his inviting smile. "Good night, Jim." "Good... night..." I listen to his retreating steps as he leaves the room. --- I put my cup next to his untouched one on the table and escape in the sanctuary of my meditation niche. But I am unable to reach even the shallowest level... --- As I return to the bedroom in the morning, Jim is gone. --- Ben wants to discuss a new song with me, but I send him away. I try to immerse myself in a book. Usually this would take my mind totally, but this time I find that I cannot remember the content of the previous page after turning to the next. I try to meditate, but fail. I try not to think about Jim, but my thoughts are always with him. --- He is gone for two days now. I give in to my unease, put a cape on and leave the house. Without conscious thought I follow the street and find myself eventually in the little park again. It is not as cold as the night we were first here and in the light of the day it is hard to imagine our... conversation. A shiver is creeping up my spine and I have to control an urge to turn and run away. *I don't want you to misunderstand... I still love you more than my life. But I cannot live this way.* His words are still in my ears. Why did everything go so wrong...? --- I spot a bench a few steps away and cross the distance to sit down. My hands are trembling slightly and so I hide them in the wide sleeves of my cape. And sitting there in the cold I finally summon the strength to face the truth. In my fear to lose him I *trapped* Jim. He gave up his previous life for my sake. I was selfish and did not stop once to think about his needs. Jim is not a man who is content with staying behind and waiting. He needs challenges... "There you are." Startled I lift my head. And blink slowly. But Jim still stands in front of me. "You trying to catch a cold, sitting here?" I still have no answer for him, still gaze at him without real comprehension. "You're back," I finally manage. He shrugs and sits next to me. "It wasn't as much fun as I thought. Eris is still miffed, even if my replacement is doing good work. I wanted to visit some old friends but after a very cool welcome from the first, I skipped that, too. I spent a few hours in town, but it was... boring." He stopped, gazing at his hands. "And I... I missed you." "So did I," I answer after a long moment. "Jim, I..." I stop because I do not know how to continue. "I feared I lost you." Slowly he lifts his head to meet my eyes. "You know, you can't," he answers, a tiny smile playing around his lips. "The link will always draw me to you." I swallow. "A link can be broken..." Pain flashes in his eyes. "Do you want this?" His voice trembles. I avoid his gaze again. I still feel guilty from forming the link without his direct consent. If I release him, he would be free to choose. What if he would choose to go? --- But I cannot say this. I cannot lie to him. I need him... want him in my life. Forever. "No," I say. "No, Jim. I don't want to lose you." I have to stop to take a deep breath. "But you... you are obviously not happy with the link... with me." His hand beneath my chin tilts my head back and I meet his eyes. "You're still fretting about forming the link without asking me, right?" All I can do is nod. "And I told you it's all right with me. I don't blame you for it." The tip of a finger outlines my lips and I have to swallow. "Spock, I love you and I want to be with you. I want the link..." He replaces his finger with his lips. But after a moment, he pulls back. "Listen, I think we have to talk. But not here. It's too cold for you." He releases me and gets to his feet. Reaching for me, he says, smiling, "Come, let's go home." --- He sits close to me on the couch in our living room. "Jim, you have to tell me what you need," I say quietly. "I need you," he answers instantly, a smile lighting up his face. He reaches for my hand, too soon serious again. "I need you. But I also need something to do. I can't just sit and wait." "If this is all, t'hy'la, perhaps you would consider using your skills for the benefit of the group. You have considerable expertise. But only if that is what you wish. Is there something else you have in mind for yourself?" I dare to reach for him, to stroke two fingers along the line of his cheek, his chin. He catches my hand and presses his lips on my fingertips. "There is something else, Spock," he says after releasing me. "I need something from you... something emotional." "Emotional?" I ask carefully. "It's maybe nothing really important, but it would mean very much to me." He meets my eyes. "Spock, I love you." I open my mouth to inquire what it is he asks, but see something shift in his gaze. And suddenly I know. "Jim, I..." I feel like I am drowning in wide, hazel and golden depths. "I love you." It is not that hard to say it aloud. He closes his eyes. "I've I waited to hear you say it." His voice is a mere whisper. The grey wall, separating us mentally, dissolves and a moment later is gone. I can feel Jim in my mind again and acknowledge for the first time how much I have missed him. "Jim." I feel my heartbeat speeding up, my mouth getting dry. "Jim, I...Will you bond with me? In the tradition of my people?" He slowly opens his eyes. "You... ask me to marry you, Spock?" he asks, his eyes suddenly very bright. "Yes." I reach again to touch him and he turns his face to kiss my palm. "I will," he whispers, and the next moment he is finally in my arms, his lips on mine. I am not sure, who initiated the meld, but our thoughts fuse... like our bodies. --- I come back to my senses, lying atop Jim, pressed close to him as if to meld us into one. Slowly I pull my fingers back from the meld points in his face, feel for the link. It is changed; instead the silver thread connection us, I find a full bond. We are bonded... I can feel something start to heal inside me... a wound, never really healed before. I am accepted. I am loved. I am... at home. With Jim. He opens his eyes and smiles. And I bend my head to kiss my bondmate. --- I can feel Jim in close proximity. His laughter, his passion, his strength, is now part of me, too. This last song - it is a love song. I never before really knew the emotions behind the words. Now I know. It is what I feel for Jim. He is content with his new responsibilities in managing the funds of the group and I am very proud of my successful bondmate. I catch a movement from the corner of my eye. Sheanna - she must have spotted Jim, standing in a corner of the stage, invisible to the audience. She drags him out and into the light. I turn and extend a hand towards him. And as he crosses the few steps between us to take my hand, the bond flares to life. The song ends... our fingers touch and the next moment Jim is in my arms, his lips on mine. I do not care if the entire universe can see us. The song of our love just begins... --- The End