The BLTS Archive - Destiny: Secret Love
by Kate Carter (starlightstables@gmail.com)

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Time: Starts about five seconds after "Caretaker"

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Captain's personal log, supplemental:
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I once thought the universe was such a huge place. I've just 
discovered I was wrong. And right. Since my last log entry,
I've been  too busy to add anything. Suffice it to say,
Voyager's been thrown into the Delta Quadrant. We've got a
70,000 light year journey ahead of us. Something like that
makes you think of our galaxy as huge. I suppose it is.
It'll take the rest of my life to get back. If I live that
long. And of all the people to be thrown into the Delta
Quadrant with, it had to be him. And now, he's out there,
wearing practically the exact same uniform as I am. On the
bridge. In command of my ship. And there's nothing I can do
about it. Not unless I want a mutiny. The rest of my life,
with the cadet I had the biggest crush on. And still do.
He's as handsome as ever.

But I'm the captain. There's nothing I can do about it. I
have to keep a personal relationship out of this. I know the
hazards of being in command. Possibly having to send someone
you know on a suicide mission. A friend.a husband. What am I
going to do?

When I was a freshman at the Academy, I met him. He was a
third year cadet. His class was working with mine in the
outdoor survival skills. He was assigned to my team. We were
randomly selected to see what posts we'd have, and then
thrown into the wilderness, to fend on our own. He was team
leader. I was in charge of rations. It was one of the first
field exercises I'd ever been on. He was the only third year
cadet on my team, and so patient with the rest of us, who
barely had any clue what we were doing.

When the shelter one of the other cadets had constructed
fell down, he comforted her. I knew her pretty well, and
she'd been having a rough time at the Academy. He helped her
out a lot with that, and she told me later that if he hadn't
encouraged her, she'd have never gotten through the trip.
Seeing his smile when he thanked me for passing him the food
I was perfectly polite, patient, quiet.

By the time I got back it was a miracle if I made it an half
hour without thinking about him. Every time I saw him, my
stomach was in knots. Normally, I was so calm, so self
assured. When he was around, I was tongue tied and shy. Like
the incident in the courtyard. I was so embarrassed. I
wanted him to hold me more. But he was just being polite. I
got away as quickly as I could, so I wouldn't embarrass
myself, or him.

I kept track of his career. Then I heard he defected to the
Maquis. I was a lieutenant commander at the time. I
convinced myself that I had gotten over him. Then, several
weeks ago, I was placed in command of Voyager and told to
track down a ship commanded by one Chakotay, a former
Starfleet officer. Just seeing the pictures of him made all
my old feelings return. I felt so dishonest. I'd spent the
day looking at his picture. For no reason other than the
sheer pleasure of it. Then I spent the evening with Mark.
Mark was - is - 's hard to say. He's Mark. But Mark never
made me feel like Chakotay did.

I just thought of something. Mark is very similar in height
to Chakotay, with many of the same traits. Is that why I
liked him so much?

Chakotay never even really noticed me. I doubt he remembers
me. Oh, but I remember him.

And he's living in the quarters next door to me. And working
on my bridge. And sitting in my chair. It's he who gives me
reports.

But I have to keep my feelings hidden. Voyager will get home
someday, and I'll be able to love him openly.

No. I won't. He'll probably never think of me as anything
other than his captain.

Never as someone he loves.

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End log