The BLTS Archive - Betrayal
by Kate Carter (starlightstables@gmail.com)

---

Published: 04-19-03

Disclaimer: I do not own/Janeway I fear/Or Chakotay/who is
so dear/But if I did/ I'd treat them right/they'd be hitched
at once/despite Voyager's flight.

Not bad, considering it's way later than I should be up.
But, I don't own the characters, don't own Paramount, and
I'm not one of the cursed TPTB, thank goodness. Actually, I
wish I were, because then, the only ones cursing them would
be the C/7ers. And they deserve it. DIE C/7!!!!!!!!!!!

Done with the rant. You may read.

Oh, and it's my story.

---

"I'm in command now." His words ring through my head.

I couldn't help but mentally replay that encounter over and
over in my head as I sat on the bunk in the brig. Ensign
Jenkins had recovered and was sleeping, but I couldn't
sleep. I wanted to cry. Chakotay had betrayed me, betrayed
us all.

But he had still called me Kathryn. Would he have done that
if it was really him? Something in his eyes had disturbed
me, threw me off. His eyes didn't look like I would expect
them to. There was a touch of something in them, something
showing it wasn't really Chakotay.

I rested my head on my knees, curling into a ball. How could
Chakotay have betrayed me like that? I didn't care if it
wasn't really him; it still hurt, and hurt badly.

I should have seen it coming. When we were in sickbay, and
he said "your crew". He hasn't referred to our crew that way
in years. Even when he did, it was just a slip and he
quickly corrected it.

One of the former Maquis came over and lowered the
forcefield. He pointed his rifle at me. "Let's go," he
barked.

I stood up and began to walk. I guess I was going too slow
for him because he prodded me in the back with his phaser
rifle. I turned and looked at him. "There's no need for
that," I said softly.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't poke me anymore. We
went up to deck one, outside the door to my ready room. My
heart began to beat faster. Something was going to happen,
and I didn't think I'd like it.

Then I heard him. "Bring her in."

I walked in, keeping my head high. Chakotay was there, with
Tuvok. A phaser was in his hand. It hit me, like a bolt of
lightening.

He was going to kill me.

I looked at him. The man I loved was going to stand there
and kill me. And Tuvok was right there. What was he doing?
Was it Tuvok who suggested that Chakotay kill me?

Then Chakotay handed the phaser to Tuvok. I don't remember
what he said exactly.

I looked at Tuvok. I pleaded with him. I'm not sure what I
said, but I remember telling him that he was in control of
his actions.

I remember thinking that I didn't want them to do this for a
reason other than the fact that I liked my life. I didn't
want them to go back to normal later on and feel horribly
guilty. I knew that Chakotay would, that he'd never get over
ordering Tuvok to kill me. I knew that Tuvok would feel
guilty over killing me, his best friend. I didn't want them
to live the rest of their lives remembering that.

I could see that Tuvok was locked in an internal debate.
Finally, he raised the phaser and pointed it at me. I held
my head up, eyes dry and unblinking. I stared my death in
the face, with only one final, sad glance at Chakotay.

Tuvok pressed the firing button, and I prepared to feel
pain, followed by oblivion. Nothing happened.

He looked at the phaser coolly, then handed it back to
Chakotay. I don't know what he said, all I knew was that I
was grateful for the few extra minutes.

I was escorted back to the brig, and I sat down on the hard
bench gratefully. Although I didn't let it show, all I could
think about was how I could have died. How Chakotay ordered
Tuvok to kill me. My best friends. Kill me. It was
unbelievable.

It really wasn't all that long afterwards that the door
opened. I looked up and saw Chakotay entered. My heart froze
and I stood up. Had he come to kill me?

He let down the forcefield. I relaxed slightly as I saw he
didn't carry a weapon, but that didn't necessarily mean
anything. Maybe he was going to try torturing me first.

No! Chakotay wouldn't do that, not the Chakotay I knew. But
this wasn't the Chakotay I knew.

All this went through my mind in a flash, before Chakotay
finally spoke. "I thought you might like your ship back."

I kept my face neutral as I stepped forward, out of the
cell. "No more rebellion?"

He shook his head slightly. "No more rebellion."

I couldn't look at him. Instead I focused on Tuvok, talking
to him. I just couldn't look Chakotay in the face. The funny
thing is, if he were just my first officer, I don't think
it'd have mattered as much. Oh, of course I'd have been
terribly upset and frightened. But it was different. The
fear was greater, as was the sense of betrayal. All because
I loved this man.

It's going to take some time for me to trust him, I'm
afraid. He betrayed me, and even if he was being
brain-washed, it still hurt.

---

Kathryn Janeway rested her head on her arm and looked out at
the stars, thinking. All remnants of the rebellion had been
cleaned up. The ex-Maquis were back on duty. Tuvok had been
given some time off, having gone through the strain of
mind-melds with all of them. Except for the heightened
tension between the crew, things were almost normal. Almost.

A chime interrupted her thoughts. "Come in," she called
without moving.

She heard the door open and footsteps on the floor. She knew
without turning that they were Chakotay's. Over the years
she'd learned to recognize him without seeing him, by his
footsteps, his smell, his own particular group of little
movements he didn't even know he did. He tended to fidget
with his hands some while waiting, for instance.

She let him wait a minute. "Yes, Commander?" Her tone was
brisk and business-like.

"Captain... Kathryn... I want to apologize to you."

Now she turned and faced him. "It's over, Chakotay. It's
done with."

"No, Kathryn. It may be over, but I don't think it's done."
He moved over to the couch and raised his eyebrow, silently
asking permission to sit. She nodded and looked away.

He sat down. "Kathryn, I'd have never betrayed you like
that, if I weren't in that condition." His tone held
anguish. She looked at his face. It wore such a look of
grief that she was moved on the spot.

"I know, Chakotay. I know." She turned to face the stars
again. "But it's going to take some time. I forgave you
already. The difficult part is forgetting."

"Kathryn, I am so sorry. You know I'd never hurt you
otherwise."

"I know, Chakotay. I know you don't want to kill me. And
you've said plenty of times that you have no desire to be
captain, which I'm thankful for, believe me."

"Kill you." He let out a small moan. "Kathryn, I know you
forgive me. It's just that.I can't forgive myself."

She turned and picked up his hand. "Chakotay, you remember
the story you told me?"

His brow furrowed. "Which one?"

"The angry warrior," she said softly.

He nodded. "Of course, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, so many times over the past few years, I've
remembered that. I've remembered how you promised to help me
with my burdens. I think that promise needs to go both ways.
You've helped me with my burdens, but I haven't helped you
with yours. I'm sorry for that. Will you forgive me?"

He attempted a smile. "You have helped me with my burdens,
Kathryn."

She shook her head. "Not as much as I should have. Will you
forgive me?"

Finally, he nodded. "Of course."

She smiled. "Good. We're even." Moving closer, she picked up
both his hands. "Chakotay, it's the same thing I said. I
forgive you. I forgave you long ago. It doesn't mean that it
doesn't hurt, but it does mean I'm willing to move past the
hurt. Are you?"

He nodded.

"There is a very, very wise man, a friend of mine who I
couldn't live without, who once told me that we had to leave
our past behind, and live in the present."

He gave a smile on this one. "No wiser than a woman I know."

She squeezed his hands. "Chakotay, let's start our journey
again." She stood up. "Together."

He stood too. "Together."

---

The End