The BLTS Archive - Just a Game of Darts by Aya-kun Rose (kari_the_8th@yahoo.com) --- Published: 06-03-06 Updated: 06-03-06 --- It's just a game of darts, because it's always just a game of darts. Julian has on the side, though, the competition he always has with himself. He's been through all the stages—ignorance, denial, confusion, trial acceptance and finally real acceptance—and now he's debating whether or not he should tell O'Brien that he loves him. Love in that friendship-ruining way. Even though he knows it's true—true that he loves his friend in a I'd-like-to-have-an-intimate-relationship-with-you sort of way—he tries to ignore it. As well as he has come to know O'Brien, he still has no idea what the other man's reaction would be to the news. It scares him, that if he were to come out with it, that maybe what they had now would all just crumble around them, and then he'd be left with nothing. Even if O'Brien didn't reject him outright, their friendship certainly couldn't keep going as it had. Not with that displaced and unresolved information hanging over them. But O'Brien leans a little too close in the pursuit of his wandering drink and Julian instantly has a flash of fantasy. Of just kissing him then and there, in the safety of the empty bar. He doesn't—no, of course he doesn't—but there is a very physical thrill that thunders through his gut and leaves him a little shaky in the aftermath. When did he get like this? When did he forget the social history of his species? When did he forget about Keiko and Molly? Sometimes he feels sick at himself in the night, after he's egged O'Brien into proving how strong their friendship is. But he can't stop himself. Because he doesn't know if the engineer is just going along with the banter, or if maybe—impossibly—he might be flirting back in his own way. But what if he was? What if the feeling was mutual, and neither would know because neither was brave enough to speak up? What if one eventually did? What would be different? Miles couldn't leave his family. . . Julian hates himself for thinking like this because he feels it isn't fair to O'Brien. Having fantasies about him while in the guise as "friend" feels dirty. Loving him while expressing like feels dishonest. He doesn't want to lie to his friend, he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship, and he doesn't want to wreck his friend's marriage—which, by the way, was long established before Julian appeared in his life. And so they play darts. Because Julian can still win with only a part of his concentration on the game, a lot on his futile inner battle, and the rest watching O'Brien's every move. --- The End