The BLTS Archive- Kathryn and everything after by august (appelsini@hotmail.com) --- I've borrowed the lyrics (and the title) from a fantastic band, The Counting Crows. All things Trek belong to Paramount. This is for my girl Lori -- because she wouldn't let me have a D ending anywhere else. cJuly 1998 --- My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing." I am not worried. I am not overly concerned. My friend implores me, "For one time only, make an exception." From Anna Begins by The Counting Crows --- I think she's drunk. No, strike that. I'm positive she's drunk. I don't think anyone told her that the drinks are not synthanol. But then again, I think she knows. Even a first year cadet can tell the difference between real and replicated alcohol. I think she wants us to believe that she doesn't know. But that's okay. I can keep a secret. And she still works the room, even when she's had a few. A quiet word with Tom and B'Elanna, to make sure that no one interrupts them in a turbo-lift again. A quick lecture to Seven about the inappropriateness of discussing bodily functions at a formal gathering. A very long talk with Neelix to try and placate over the over-heard comment about his hair pasta hor d'oeuvres. And then the few moments to herself, when she thinks no one is looking. She should know by now that I watch her. I always watch her. "Commander." Her voice broke into my thoughts, and I turned to face her, smiling. "You're not indulging in the melancholy, I hope." "No, Captain. Just wondering whose budget these rations are coming out of." She laughed loudly, and it was completely infectious. "Yours, Chakotay, it's part of the first officer deal, remember?" "The one where I serve under you, right?" Damn. I didn't mean to say that out loud. "Right." Her answer surprised me even more. "But I must say Chakotay, I think I get the better deal." "My, my, Captain, pretty punchy tonight. Something in the punch?" It was a pretty awful joke, I admit it straight up. But she laughed again, loud and long. I must have looked amused because she straightened up and sighed. "I think," She said, placing a hand on my chest, whispering laughingly, "that I've had entirely too much to drink to be a respectable Captain." "Well that's alright." I laughed, drinking further. "I was never a respectable Commander." "That's always been a point in your favour." She smiled and stared at me, almost sizing me up. "Care for a walk, Commander?" I returned her gaze for a moment and then drained my glass. Setting it down on the table I nodded, and followed her off of the holodeck. --- You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself To make yourself forget. I am not worried "If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences." But she can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and . . . From: Anna Begins The Counting Crows --- From the moment we enter the turbo-lift I watch her. In all the times I had imagined this moment, I had always assumed that I would be all over her, that I couldn't keep my hands off her. But here I am, standing across the turbo-lift and I'm watching her. She tucks a stray hair behind her ear and I don't think I've seen a more beautiful thing. She notices me studying her and grins self-consciously. She sways a little and laughs out loud as she has to support herself against thewall. I smile. At least I think I'm smiling. I certainly feel like smiling, watching her like she's the only thing I have ever seen. "Chakotay--" Her voice sounds strange. "You're staring." I smile again. "Captain." I deliberately leer. "You're drunk." "The good thing about being in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay, is that there is no higher authority. If the Captain gets drunk, the Captain gets drunk." She smiled, happy with herself. I never thought I would hear Kathryn Janeway slur her words. "And besides, I saw the Commander of this ship slugging back a few tonight. Who would you report it to - - all commanding officers are drunk." "Tuvok's drinking?" I quipped, and she burst out laughing. The moment caught me again, and she took my breath away. The doors of the turbo-lift slid open and we both stood there, not really knowing what to do. "After you, of course." She said, smiling and I nodded. We walked slowly. Leisurely. Heading in no particular direction. "It was a nice party." I noted. "I could have killed Darby and his damn comments about Neelix's food. I thought the poor man was going to break down in tears right then and there -- he's so touchy about his food." "Which is strange, considering his food." "Why Commander, I thought you liked the hair pasta. Or is it his souffle that's your favourite?" I snorted at the comment and we walked a little in silence. And then we just stopped in front of her quarters. Nothing was said, nothing was hinted at. We just stopped. "I've seen this ship before." She began. "Yes." I agreed. "I'm a little too tired to walk tonight." She added. "Yes." "Would you like to-" "Yes." And that was it. We stumbled into her quarters, and it was a little clumsier than I would have liked. She kissed me with such passion and then broke down with laughter a second later. We made love against the wall of her cabin, slipping once and laughing even more. It was nice. And later -- much later, I laid my head on my pillow, smiling only at the fact that I was alive, and that Kathryn Janeway was in my arms. --- This time when kindness falls like rain It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind "These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says And I'm not ready for this sort of thing From: Anna Begins by The Counting Crows --- There are scenes in my life that I will never forget. My first ride in a shuttlecraft. My father refusing to shake my hand as I boarded the transport to join Starfleet. The flickering screen of the terminal when the message about Dorvan V's attack came through. Little insidious images which come to me at the most inopportune times, which have burned themselves on the back of my eyelids. Images which can sober me in a second, no matter where I am. After that night, I had another image to add. Kathryn Janeway sitting on my couch, with a detox hypo sitting in her lap. Synthanol, the standard drink served on board ships, is one of those disgustingly useful inventions. It lends the same sense of being drunk, but can be instantly over-ridden by a rush of adrenaline in the system. That means when you need to be sober, you will be. I don't pretend to understand the mechanics of it, it's just what we call 'Federation safe'. What we used to call 'Federation safe'. Real alcohol, like Romulan Ale or the old Earth whiskey is a slightly more complicated matter. There is no 'automatic over-ride'. If you're drunk on that, you're drunk. But, the wonders of modern medicine being what they are, all it takes is a quick detox hypo and within minutes the chemicals in your body are neutralised. Safe. Normally people who are drinking real alcohol hypo themselves before going to bed. It's a relatively easy process, and the hypo can be called up on any replicator. It's one of the first tricks you learn in first year academy, when being wild was all about contraband alcohol and dealing with Ferengis. Personally, I always preferred to ride it out -- to wake with that slightly nauseating feeling in my stomach, it made me feel -- something -- back then. And standing here now, it just makes it seem so . . . safe. Or fake. And very Starfleet. Having the experience and denying yourself the consequences. Wanting to have it all. Very Starfleet. Very Kathryn. I was surprised she hadn't done it sooner. "Kathryn?" I stepped forward into the light, and she turned to me. For the first time I noticed she had been crying. She was crying. She didn't say anything, just looked away again. I think if she had been sobbing, it would have been easier to deal with -- but this -- there were tears just running down her cheek. "Kathryn?" I repeated, moving to her and sitting on the edge of the couch. "I was going to use this, but . . ." Her voice trailed off and she looked away again. "You know, we don't have to talk about this now. I realise that this is just a once-" She put a finger over my mouth and left it there longer than she had to. And then it all just happened so quickly. She leaned towards me like she was being pulled, and we kissed. Slowly at first, like she expected me to pull away at any moment. And then she was laying against me, pushing me back into the couch and then there was a desperation to it all -- it came hard and fast and it took my breath away. Her hands were on me, cold, and she lifted the shirt over my head. I pulled at her blouse and we shifted so that she was sitting on top of me. There was a look on her face, like I was a console that wouldn't perform and the determination of it all scared me. I moved again and rolled her under me, she lifted her hips to mine. I was looking straight into her eyes as my fingers webbed across the side of her face -- I noted, quite detached, that she was crying again and she lifted her face to meet mine. We kissed and it was angry, but she molded herself to me, lifted to meet me. Until I was moving on Kathryn Janeway and her head was balanced over the edge of the couch and she was gasping with each movement and clawing at my back and my breath was coming hard and I don't think I could have stopped then, if I wanted to. After, I lay on top of her for a while, until she pushed me off. We lay together, squashed on that couch in the darkness. The hypo was sticking into my back, but I was willing to deal with it for a while longer. We lay in silence, with tears and sadness and the dark blanketing us like rain. Kathryn Janeway was lying by my side, and I don't think I've ever felt more alone than that night. We lay there for so long I thought she was asleep. And then she took my hand. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for this sort of thing." --- Her kindness bangs a gong it's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away. She's chasing me away, she disappears and oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing From: Anna Begins by The Counting Crows --- Federation days come about so quickly -- it's five years now since that night with Kathryn. I remember it, of course, quite clearly. After she spoke we lay in silence. I couldn't bring myself to let go of her hand, or move away. I think I knew, even then, that it would be the last time I ever did so. "We can't do this, can we?" I asked, at some point. "No." She answered, at a disconnected moment much later. And she was right, I think. I know now that I would have waited -- months, years . . . for the rest of my life for her. It's not something that I'm proud of today, but it's the truth. I was prepared to accept anything she would give me, just because *she* gave it. She saw it, I didn't. I love her, yes. I've never had my breath taken away, lay sobbing beneath someone like I did with her. I was even *in* love with her, for years. But it was more than she could give. And in the end I couldn't settle for less -- we both owed each other more than that. Voyager is still running -- our sojourn through space not nearly over. And I have a wife, and a daughter. I love them very much. And Kathryn is seeing someone, I think. She'll tell me when she's ready. I wonder -- a little -- if . . . if lots of things. If I should have called the moment, demanded more. If I should have -- "Commander." Her voice startled me, and I spun around to face her. "You're not indulging in the melancholy, I hope." She smiled and handed me a drink. "No, Captain. Just wondering whose budget these rations are coming out of." It's an old joke, but we do it every year. Acknowledging what could have been, and what is. She tapped her glass with mine. "Yours Chakotay, it's part of the first officer deal, remember?" --- The End