The BLTS Archive- Dancing First in the Repercussions series by Astra (astraplain@yahoo.com) --- Note: After reading Robin Lawrie's brilliant, wrenching "Prior Consultation" I found myself compelled to understand what motivated her characters to make the choices they did. I wrote this story to explain why Beverly made the choices she did. This and "Breathing" focus only on Beverly. I would love to see someone write Jean-Luc's pov. --- I didn't always want to be a healer. There was a time, almost lost in distant memory, when I wanted nothing more than to dance, feeling the glorious power of my own body, and the enchantment of the music. That dream died on Arvada III. It wasn't the first of my childish fantasies to die, and it certainly wasn't the last; but it was the most cherished. I tried for years after that to find a compromise, something to reconcile the desire to be a dancer with the necessity of becoming a healer. I thought I had found my salvation in Starfleet. Nana always said I needed discipline, that I was too headstrong, too willful. Medical school tried, but it couldn't tame me. I was born to be a healer, following along as my Nana treated the ill and afflicted. What others struggled to learn came easily to me. Only the technology was strange. I couldn't learn how to help others without actually touching them. Physical contact is a healer's most powerful tool; for a physician in Starfleet it's rarely used. It was a hard lesson to learn. I found my physical contact in other places, finding time for parties and bars while others in my class struggled over their notes and workstations. I've always been a quick study. I had to be. It left me time to fill the many voids in my life. I was never a heavy drinker, and I knew too much about the effects on the human body to even consider taking drugs. It was love that I craved, and I thought that sex was the way to find it. I stumbled into Walker Keel in a bar one night, literally, when I caught my foot on something and fell into Walker's arms. Less than an hour later I was in his arms again, this time in his apartment. It lasted a week, the beginning of a beautiful friendship. The sex was great - intense, intoxicating, but it still wasn't what I craved so I moved on. Thing is, I kept coming back. We slept together once or twice after that, friendship sex. It wasn't a promise, and it wasn't a love affair. It was exactly what both of us needed. Walker had drawn attention to himself and his reckless lifestyle. He was given a desk job. He hated every minute of it, knowing that although he'd been awarded a promotion, the job itself was a step down. He was being taught a lesson. Funny thing is, Walker and I both found ourselves in fewer bars. What we had together was exactly what we'd been looking for. It was almost a year later when I met Jack. Walker introduced us, unable to resist playing matchmaker. He thought Jack and I would form the same kind of relationship that Walker and I had. Imagine his surprise when Jack and I eloped. It was a hasty decision, as so many of my decisions were then, ill considered and rash. I loved every minute of it at the time. Jack believed in fairy tales and knights on white horses. I'd given up on happily ever after years ago. Maybe that's why he was so alluring. Maybe that's why I agreed to have his child. Being with Jack was like a fantasy. It was the best of what I had with Walker and so much more. Jack was exciting, caring, challenging and safe. He was all the things I aspired to be, and I adored him. We hadn't been together long before we eloped, and not long after that I was pregnant. Jack helped me through the fear, the self-doubts. He told me everything would be all right and I believed him. Wes was a perfect baby, and with Jack at my side, I felt I could handle anything. The one thing I didn't plan on was Jack leaving. I met Jean-Luc after Jack and I were married. He seemed nice, if a little stuffy. Jack and Walker adored him. The three of them accepted me into the group without reservations or petty jealousies that so often threaten new relationships. It felt so good to be accepted. And then everything changed. It never occurred to me to worry about Jack being lured away. He loved me, and his every look and touch told me so. When Wes was born I was sure we were safe. Nothing could compete with what we had. I didn't count on the stars. How often Jack had told me about Jean-Luc being "out there" exploring, but I was too besotted to hear what he was really saying. Perhaps I was just denying it. Wes was less than a year old when Jean-Luc and Starfleet finally lured Jack away. Neither of us knew it then, but it was the beginning of the end of us. Raising a child alone, suddenly having sole responsibility for a child terrified me. Jack never understood that. How could he know what my childhood was like? There aren't words to express things I barely understood myself. He heard only the stars calling. It was easier to listen to my half-hearted encouragement to go than it was to accept my fears. I couldn't ask him to stay. He had to know that I needed him to stay, the way white knights always knew. He had to make the decision, and I had to live with the consequences. Walker knew. Although he never said anything, he understood my pain and fear. But the stars called him away too, and I was alone, raising my child, living life just the way I had sworn I never would. I did the best I could with Wes, especially after Jack died. I raised him to be strong, and smart. I lived every day as a role model, pushing myself, and pushing him to excel. He rarely saw me waver. I don't think he suspected a thing. Maybe even now, out there on those other planes of existence, he still believes I am the fictional character I pretend to be. I hope he never learns the truth. If he does, I hope he can forgive me. Jean-Luc would never understand. Jean-Luc wouldn't want to. For a man of great depth, the captain can be terribly shallow. He, too, fancies himself my white knight. The problem is he doesn't see that his fantasy princess is ugly and scarred. He's been trying to save me for the last twenty years, and he still can't see the truth. It was a mistake to sleep with him; and an even bigger mistake to break it off so quickly. I was panicked, and didn't see the warning signs. Damn my hormones, damn this Howard blood. Damn all the aliens I've bedded, using them to protect me from him. Twenty years of friendship and hard work destroyed by one kiss. There are so many things in my life I wish I could do over again, but I've never wanted that as badly as I do now. I would give anything to have never slept with Jean-Luc Picard. Anything. I wish I could pretend, could ignore, could rationalize myself out of this, but I can't I never could. I already know what I have to do, and why. I also know he'll never understand. How could he? How could he even begin to understand? It's not his decision anyway. We've already ruined our friendship, I'm not going to ruin what I have left by raising another child alone. I have a family here, a home, a job. I'm far too old to start all over again. Will should be here soon. He won't understand either, but he'll accept my decision. Jean-Luc never learned how to do that. Perhaps if he had, we wouldn't have made such a terrible mistake. Perhaps... That must be Will. I walk to the door slowly, taking careful measured steps, swaying, raising, my arms a little. For just a moment I close my eyes and indulge in a fairy tale. I think about asking him to dance with me, knowing I would never do it. I open my eyes, lowering my arms to my sides, my body stiff and strong, unbending against painful reality. There will be no dancing tonight. --- The End