The BLTS Archive - Just a Figment of My Imagination
by ARM

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DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is copyright by Paramount
Pictures. This story is not intended to infringe on that copyright.
Please do not distribute or archive this story (other than the ASC
archive) without the express consent of the author.

NOTE: This story takes place between "A Call to Arms" and "A Time to
Stand".

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"I'm sorry, what did you say Odo?" Dr. Bashir asked the Constable.
Garak had invited Odo to join him and the doctor. The messhall on the
Defiant was crowded.

"I said the Dominion is hardly concerned about the intricacies of
Cardassian politics beyond using them as a means to destabilize the
Alpha Quadrant," Odo replied, but his voice and rolled eyes said much
more. It was the second time in the past fifteen minutes he had been
forced to repeat himself. He knew from experience that both the doctor
and tailor were intelligent, articulate individuals, but after eating
lunch with them he was beginning to wonder.

Constable Odo was an observant individual and he had a suspicion
regarding the reasons for the two men's distraction, but he kept his
thoughts to himself. Odo had learned years ago that knowledge was
power and knowledge that others did not know you had was especially
useful. He suspected that Garak was aware of his suspicions since
Garak was as perceptive as the Constable. He did not know if Bashir
knew.

Odo considered asking Kira for advice. Even after having been a solid
for several months there were still many things about solids that he
did not understand. He knew that he only had his own experience to
guide him in this case and he knew how he would feel if one of his
friends told Kira how he felt about her. So Odo kept his mouth shut
and hoped that the two would straighten their relationship out before
they became completely incoherent.

'I wish he would just say it,' Bashir thought in frustration. It was
driving him crazy. He knew what Odo was thinking. He also knew that
the Constable was fifty percent right.

Bashir remembered the first time he met Garak. The Cardassian had
approached him in the Replimat. Bashir had been so nervous that he
started stuttering. After the meeting he had immediately run to Sisko.
Bashir was embarrassed to remember his earlier behavior. His reaction
to Garak had been a bizarre mixture of fear, interest, and confusion.
He had known that Garak wanted something from him. When Garak was
talking to him he had been convinced that the interest was sexual,
that the Cardassian was interested in him as a man. Afterwards, he had
talked himself out of the notion and decided that Garak was interested
in him as a Starfleet officer.

A couple weeks later as he ate lunch with Garak, he had wondered again
what the Cardassian wanted from him. He decided that the Cardassian
was definitely interested in him as a Starfleet officer and still
could not decide whether he was also interested in him as a man.
Cardassian sexual appetites were infamous and Garak was the lone
Cardassian on the station. The idea of him chasing a non-Cardassian
for a partner was logical. After lunch he had examined his own
feelings and decided that he was not attracted to Garak in a sexual
manner. He was interested in him as an individual with whom he could
have an intelligent conversation during lunch, but that was the extent
of their relationship.

Bashir still believed that he had told himself the truth after that
lunch. Once he decided that his interest in Garak was not sexual he
started to sound more coherent around the Cardassian. He still stuck
his foot in his mouth, but it was simple Julian ineptness combined
with being teased by an intelligent and accomplished individual.

That was nearly five years ago.

Bashir had no idea when his feelings towards the tailor had changed,
but he had examined his feelings for the tailor many times since and
found that he was definitely sexually attracted to his friend. The
knowledge scared the hell out of him.

Bashir was used to keeping his sexual relationships separate from his
friendships. Except for Palis, Bashir had never dated a friend. He
usually liked the women he dated, but it was the first time he had
found himself interested in a close friend.

Bashir's attraction to Garak scared him. There were so many reasons
that it was a bad idea. Garak was a Cardassian and Cardassians were
famous for being rough during sex. Some said that they were as bad as
Klingons. Garak was physically bigger and stronger than Bashir and
that scared Bashir as much as it excited him. Garak was an ex-member
of the brutal Obsidian Order. Bashir could overlook Garak being
Cardassian, but he was still intimidated by Garak's past. He knew his
friend had tortured innocent people to death. It was hard for the
doctor and the human in him to overlook Garak's crimes no matter how
much he liked his friend. Bashir knew that his friends and Starfleet
would not want him to become involved with Garak. Doing so might well
hurt his ability to be a Starfleet doctor and rise through the ranks
as quickly as he otherwise would without being attached to Garak.

If those practical concerns were the only problems he might be willing
to risk it. It was the greater unknowns that scared him. Bashir was
terrified of losing Garak as a friend. The two had been having
problems with their friendship during the past year almost as if
forces unknown were trying purposely to keep them apart. Bashir's
record for successful relationships was spotty at best. Palis was his
first and only long-term serious relationship. He could get dates, but
not lovers. Women liked him for one-night stands and as a friend, but
nobody wanted him as a serious lover.

Sometimes Bashir wondered what was wrong with him. He knew he was
good-looking by human and Bajoran standards. His father had seen to
that when they changed him. He was intelligent and an accomplished
officer. He was athletic. He had a sense of humor. He thought he was a
decent person. He never claimed to be a saint, but he thought he was
overall a good person. Was he really as annoying as the Chief claimed
in jest? Was there something horribly wrong with him that made women
avoid him?

Bashir was also afraid of making a fool of himself. He sometimes
wondered if the doctors had surgically placed his foot in his mouth
when they did the enhancements.

'With everything they did to me couldn't they have done something
about that little problem?'

Except Bashir knew that O'Brien was right. There were many things that
the enhancements could not give him. He was still a human who had
choices on how to live his life.

---

'So what is your choice? Do you risk it?' Bashir asked himself for the
millionth time. Bashir mentally rolled his eyes. He had dropped hints
and Garak never seemed to respond.

Bashir's dilemma was made more difficult by his inability to read
Garak accurately at times. He knew that he was one of the few people
who could read Garak under anything, but the most unusual
circumstances, but it was still not enough. He had no idea what Garak
was thinking.

Bashir's attraction to Garak was started to scare him. It felt like it
was becoming an obsession. He first fully admitted his attraction to
Garak- although he knew it had been present for months if not years
before he admitted it to himself- when the tailor started dining with
Ziyal. Bashir had never had cause to be jealous before Ziyal came.
Garak and Odo ate lunch together, but he never doubted that he and
Garak were much closer than Odo and Garak. Odo was not a threat.
Ziyal, a young cute Cardassian female- was definitely a threat. That
had been over a year ago.

Bashir had not worried about his preoccupation with the tailor and his
feelings for the tailor for the first few weeks. He had Leeta to take
his mind off his obsession and he decided it was natural to be
preoccupied with a realization that meant so much to him. After he
broke up with Leeta things got worse. He did not want to think about
how many nights he had thought about the tailor. He did not want to
contemplate how times a simple smile or acknowledgement from Garak as
they passed each other in the halls had made his day.


'You need a life Julian. You need another real girlfriend to take your
mind off of Garak. Even someone like Leeta would help. This is insane.
This is pathetic. You are getting to the point where you two can not
even have a rational conversation. You either end up sniping at each
other or ignoring each other. What happened to your friendship? You
know that you can not have him as a partner, but can't you at least
keep him as a friend? What happened to all your glorious lunchtime
discussions? Remember when he went through the withdrawal from his
implant? Remember visiting the orphans? Through it all, even through
the most hellish times, your friendship was there. Where did it go?
Why did it go away?'

'What have you done Julian? Who started it? He did, but you have not
done enough to change things. You argue back. You get hurt when he
ignores you and then refuse to acknowledge him when he walks past you.
Fool! Idiot! You created a persona for yourself after the
enhancements. You thought you were so good at fooling people. Then you
meant Garak and he has a better fagade than you do. He can fool
everyone... even you and it drives you crazy. You do not like being
beaten at your own game. For all your maturity you are still arrogant
enough to want to be the best. You can not stop competing. Remember
what happened with Dr. Lense? Even when it is all in your head you
have to compete. Just like that WWII boy in that book you read growing
up. Remember him, Julian? What was his name- Gene or something? He
ended up being partly responsible for his best friend's death. [A
Separate Peace by John Knowles]'

'How do you put a friendship back together? I don't want to lose him.
I can not bear to lose another friendship through neglect. I have seen
enough of my friendships fizzle into nothingness.'

'Sometimes I would swear that there is a tension between us. Odo
noticed. I am sure of it. I think Dax has noticed it although I can
never be sure with Dax. She is a good friend, but I do not know what
she sees. I think even Ziyal has noticed. The last time she ate lunch
with us, back on the station before Garak and I were forced to flee,
she seemed to understand the fact that something was going on.'

Garak had been sitting between Ziyal and Bashir while they ate lunch.
Ziyal had asked an innocent question about some Bajoran ritual and
Bashir and Garak had immediately launched into a debate over the
subject. Poor Ziyal had nearly been forgotten as the two argued, and
even loudly agreed at times, over the symbolism of the ritual and its
purpose. As the debate started to wind down Bashir noticed Ziyal
looking at them and smiling slightly, almost knowingly as if she was
not as innocent in some matters as she would have the rest of them
believe. For a brief second it was as if Ziyal was the adult and Garak
and Bashir were the children. The look and moment passed in a second
and was gone. Bashir never saw it again and sometimes he wondered if
he really remembered that look correctly. She seemed so innocent every
other time he had seen her, but that look suggested that she knew she
had competition if she was after Garak's heart. Garak had been facing
forward and had not seen the look. Bashir made himself believe that
the look had been solely directed at him rather than at the two of
them. Fantasies aside he really could not believe that Garak was
interested in him as anything more than as a friend and increasingly
he wondered if the tailor even considered him a real friend. He seemed
to be more at ease and made more of an effort to talk to Odo and Ziyal
than Bashir.'

'Why doesn't she say anything?' Bashir had wondered. Bashir had always
hated gossip about his life and people talking about him beyond his
back because for so much of his life the remarks had been nasty, but
for once he wished someone would say something. He wished that Ziyal
or Odo or Dax would ask him what was going on. He would even accept
losing some of his pride to have Garak know how much it hurt him to
see their friendship in tatters.

Yet for once everyone was silent on the subject and everything was
left unsaid so Bashir could neither defend himself nor try to fix the
mess. Bashir had taken to smiling at the absurdity of even the gossip
mill on the usually talkative station forsaking him. It was the worst
absurd kind of bad luck.

Bashir noticed Garak put down his fork. Lunch was over.

Bashir said good-bye to his friends and returned to sickbay. On his
way he pushed his musings into the back of his mind, convincing
himself that they were merely a fantasy and that even the idea of the
tension between them being mutual or of Garak being interested in him
was simply a figment of his imagination.

---

The End