The BLTS Archive - Trip and the Onion
Eighth in the 1000 Raps series

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Spoilers: Shuttlepod One, Two Days and Two Nights

Comments: if anyone would like to borrow any of these aliens, go right
ahead. note: This takes place a few days after "In The Wind". The
Enterprise seems to have entered a run-down & very bad neighborhood.
(and its a little demonstration of what role biology can play in a
story). dedicated to: Layla & Shi_shi2525, for the inspiration of
this. the title is taken with great respect from the Egyptian
expression of "If an onion causes his loud rejoices, then what shall
we say to sugar?" comment from my Hoshi muse: "In case you the reader
was wondering what Guzzlers look like (and who let Trip name them??),
imagine if rhinos had evolved from birds." (author's note: well, the
expression was about 'those who gush with admiration over trivial
things'.but I thought it somehow fit the story. what do you think?).

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"MORE!!" shouts a Guzzler at all of us senior staff of Enterprise.

"More?" I can't help but ask. "You guys just had the Bourbon, the
Whiskey, and the Scotch."

"It was not strong enough," the second Guzzler says, stone sober...or
just boulder-sized. And they are, both of them.

I don't believe this. These two break onto Enterprise, cause general
mayhem, and now they're complaining about the drinks?

"Too watery," the first remarks.

I grumble, and put a few flasks on the table. Ouzo!, Yasou!, retsina,
and O'pah!...lets see those bastards call that watery! Not even
bothering to pour a glass, they swallow all those down...without a
single strain. No effect.

No effect?

"If your ship cannot produce satisfactory beverages to incapacitate
us," one of the Guzzlers says, "we will take what we want from your
ship." They want to be incapacitated?? "None of your soldiers or
weapons can stop us!"

Malcolm shoves Hoshi behind him. Trying to hide force behind a veil
of nobility, Lieutenant? Kinda shows what a load of bullcrap are all
those rumors circulating about you two being married.

I'd know if Hoshi were married!

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THAT NIGHT:


Quiet as can be, I enter the mess hall at about shipboard midnight.

Those hulks aren't moving. Probably asleep, or konked out at last.

So I sit down with my midnight snack, though I take a table close to
the door, just in case. Ahh, pecan pie, a few chocolate chip cookies,
and a glass of milk. Just like momma used to make.

The floorboards shake. Note to self: re-engineer the floor so that
they won't result in bad Jurassic Park impressions with drinks. Before
I can even start to stand up, two shadows fall over me: and nobody
else on Enterprise is that big--even those squid-people were runts
compared to the Guzzlers. Damn they're fast!

"What is this?" one Guzzler demands, pointing to the milk.

"It's milk," I say, just as the other one grabs the milk, and gulps
it down. HEY! You have any idea how hard I had to work, just so Chef
would agree to make a glass of milk every night??

"Tastes funny," that Guzzler says.

Wow, that's already more of a reaction than the ouzo! got.

"Where are your real drinks?" asks the one who didn't have any milk.
Hm, ever had plasma coolant, bucko?

The one who'd had the milk, I'm just glad that he fell
backwards...'cause if he'd fallen on me, I'd be flatter than a
squirrel on the Interstate Highway. The other Guzzler looks at
his--its?--pal, then at me. Spit-scared, I'd say.

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ONE HOUR LATER
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Well, the Guzzlers sure left in a hurry, loudly announcing that they
were going, and that it was my fault that they weren't going to be
around to protect the Enterprise. I told the crew what I did, and now
everyone's congratulating me.

"You never fail to amaze me, Trip," Archer says to me.

"Thanks, Captain," I reply. Ah, and next up in line...

"Your ingenuity is a credit to the human species."

"Well thanks, T'Pol. Did you hurt yourself admitting that?" Yep,
proof positive that, emotions or not, a Vulcan can still glare.

"Milk and cookies?" Travis asks me. I nod. "Maybe I should try that
after all."

"Good work, Trip!" Hoshi tells me.

"What, no congratulatory kiss?" I ask.

"Well, I'd rather not," Malcolm says, since he was the next in line
to shake my hand.

Just you wait, Lieutenant. Just you wait. One day...

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The End