The BLTS Archive- The Only Thing
by Ananke (aeteananke@gmail.com)

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Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all related characters owned by
Paramount  Studios. No copyright infringement is intended.

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"I would have told her then that she was the only thing that I
could love in this dying world but the simple word 'love' itself had
already died and went away."

"Coma Black," Marilyn Manson
---

The night was dark and dark blood flowed from his hand, carrying with
it the  river of rage that had brought him to this point. And the
insanity of  everything suddenly shone with the clarity of his face in
the mirror and..."

"Computer, end simulation." With those few words the wet midnight
street of  Marseilles disappeared and with it the car he had been
driving too fast, and  the rearview mirror that reflected nothing but
defeat and death, death...

Picking himself off the holodeck floor, Tom Paris straightened his
uniform, faintly disgusted to see that no hint of the street fight he
had won remained. Holodeck safeties were the perfect invention, all
right. Pity they didn't extend to mind-wipes, he might actually get
some sleep without visiting sickbay, or worse yet, the Doctor
himself. "Computer, delete  program."

"Authorization required-"

"Paris Alpha-three-Delta-Omega."

Computer, talk to me about something more personal than command codes,
before I finish going insane."

"Isolation code acknowledged."

Snorting, he headed through the holodeck doors, slipping into the
crowded corridor. A few of the crewmembers nodded, but most avoided
looking at him. All of them made way as if a dervish were tearing his
way down the hall.

"Excuse me." A familiar, politely urgent voice called out and
interrupted his  reverie.

Slowing, Paris glanced over his shoulder. Kes pushed her way through
the  remaining crowd, quickly matching his step. She looked flushed
and tired already despite the fact that her shift had just begun, a
tendril of hair falling limply across her face.

"Commander."

"Tom, I told you, for Christ's sake."

"Tom." His mood didn't seem to affect her. He wished for that kind of
control. "I have the data you requested. Tuvok also said you needed to
discuss something with me, I believe?"

"I told him it could wait" Taking the padd she held out, he tucked
it under his arm quickly. "But I guess now is as good a time as any.
Chakotay prepared a stat list he wanted me to authorize. You realize
that with Doc's program acting up, a situation putting you in control
of Medical is more and more likely, and I don't have much time to
dedicate to sickbay shifts these days. If you need more help, a
crewman will be reassigned."

"No." The petite Ocampan shook her head, frowning. "I hardly think the
damage the Doctor has sustained during the Krenim attacks warrants
such morbid planning. Too much has changed over the past months
already, there's hardly any sense in disrupting another routine."

"That's not all." Peering down at her over his own padd, he smiled
grimly. "There's also a note here authorizing your transfer in the
event of a command change. You've been doing pretty well on your
piloting lately, better than some of the actual crewmen expected to
excel in that area. It's just a precaution. Chakotay and Tuvok are
my current line of defense. If something happens to one of them and I
end up a pulling executive duty, Voyager will need fresh pilots. I
want you on the list, but you need more time training. I'll get
back to you with a schedule."

"I'm not certain that piloting is among my areas of expertise, or ever
will be. I've enjoyed the lessons with you..." Her voice faltered,
cheeks coloring  oddly. "But really, Tom, I'm not even an official
member of the crew. I don't even hold a rank."

"Do you think that's all that we look for in leaders?" Trying to
decipher her sudden unease, he scratched at his neck absently. "If
you wanted a field commission I know Chakotay would work it out."

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm happier as a civilian for now. I
just... it's such a responsibility to grant someone who has no
position, when there are so many ranked crewmen waiting for a chance
to prove themselves on Voyager."

"Trust me; those crewmen don't hold a candle to what you have."
Touching her nose lightly with a finger, he managed a grin.

"If that's what you believe." Smiling as well, she arched a brow. "I
can take more lessons, but I find it hard to believe I'll be as
capable as you... of leading a mission like the quantum drive
venture."

"Actually..." Stepping back, he shrugged slightly. "I turned it down.
Too old for high speed chases and blind highways."

"I seem to remember a not much younger Tom Paris who would have leapt
at such an opportunity."

"He grew up. Home is where the heart is, and I'm no longer willing to
risk lives for the sake of some far off false Eden. If Chakotay and
Harry want to  be stupid enough, let them. I'll be here to pick up the
pieces of whatever's left."

"It may seem reckless, Tom, but these people... so much has happened.
The crew needs to find a way back to the Alpha Quadrant more than
ever before. They've worked so hard, and with so few rewards.
Everyone needs this chance."

"What Janeway and B'Elanna and the rest worked for won't be worth
anything if we all die trying to reach some twisted ideal of
nirvana." Stuffing the padd  back into her hands, he stared grimly at
the crew brushing past them. "Or if they die trying to get there. Too
many have died already. Good try, but I'm beyond letting my victories
fuel my recklessness."

She sighed. "I'm to prepare to have control over sickbay,
understood... and I may be reassigned to helm on an interim basis if
the Captain and Ensign Kim don't return and we somehow survive this
despite."

Holding the turbolift door, he cocked a brow at her as she waited
outside. "Believe me, I hope it never happens."

Though he would never have admitted it aloud, Lieutenant Commander Tom
Paris felt brief, unfettered commiseration at the horror the
responsibility that had been laid bare before the both of them.
"Kes," he began more gently, releasing the door and watching it
slide slowly shut. "It's just a command chain Chakotay feels he
should have made official a long time ago. You wouldn't be up for the
change if he didn't believe you could do it."

"I would hardly be up for the change at all if not for the fact that
Voyager is losing more crewmen by the day, Tom." The Ocampan
underscored tersely, mouth settling into unusually grim lines as she
backed away from the half-closed access. "Well, I'll let you go,
Commander. You're headed to sickbay, I suppose?"

"Actually, I..."

"Good. Please tell the Doctor that his assistant will be forced to
take the remainder of her shift off in order to arrange further
studies."

"But you don't have to do it now, and I don't want to go see the
Doc."

"Thank you for being a good messenger. Have a wonderful afternoon."
Spinning, the blonde pushed back through the crowds at breakneck
speeds.

Paris rubbed his forehead and let the door slide shut, finally
expelled a breath or two, staring upward. "Computer, the
bridge. Deck One."

"Unable to comply. Auxiliary rerouting estimates deck four to be the
nearest drop off point from this turbolift."

"Sickbay is on deck four. You've got to be kidding me." Spreading his
fingers slightly, the first officer and sometimes helmsman of Voyager
stared at the opening door. "If this is a universal conspiracy, the
universe can just... Oh, great to see you, Harry," he muttered an
almost complaint.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Kim's dark eyes frowned at him as he leapt
through the shutting door. "Good afternoon to you too, ex-friend. Did
that bout of mutual comradeship end with the rest of sanity?  Never
mind. Is it just me or is Kes acting more than a little odd...
probably me."

"Oh, cut it. She's just being honest with her feelings, we should
probably be grateful she hasn't fried a bulkhead yet, with her mental
powers. What's that face... Damn, what's wrong with you?"

"Tom, are you sure you don't want to pilot the shuttle for the quantum
drive forage?"

"Do you need me there to hold your hand, Harry?"

"Shut up, wise guy." Kim crossed his arms. "You know Chakotay's
reputation... No, recorded history...with shuttles. Do you really want
to trust our lives on such a critical flight, especially in light of
his mood lately? He's... Well,  despondent."

"Yeah, well, maybe if he wasn't wearing Janeway's pips he wouldn't
have so many pieces of her to live up to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Banging the padd he held against his
thigh, Voyager's Ops officer glared.

Tom sighed. "Computer, deck four."

"Acknowledged." The tinny voice echoed again briefly.

"Look, Harry. I've overseen Chakotay's flight qualification tests
myself. Mythos to the contrary, it usually isn't his fault when
something goes wrong. He's a damn good pilot. I'd trust him with the
quantum mission more than anyone aboard... More than I trust it to
myself at the moment. As for his mood lately... We've all been bitchy
and sullen. Kes included. We lost a lot of good people... Good friends
and family...to the Krenim. He just has to bear the bigger load now.
But...that's something Chakotay's used to. He led a Maquis crew,
that's no petty task. He's a Captain, and he'll pull through."

"Maybe." Harry sighed, trailing his best friend out into the corridor
when the lift stopped. "But I still think we'd all feel a whole lot
better if you agreed to lead Voyager through. You are the Chief
Pilot."

"That's why I need to be at her helm. The shuttle would only
experience the fringes of any problem, Harry. It could be flown
through easily. Voyager is a big lady with a big attitude. I'd feel
better handling her myself, since Chakotay insists on making the
attempt under less than optimum conditions. You and he have the
shuttle and I'm staying here. Everyone can stop nagging."

"Is that what Kes was doing, then?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that she's not the type of friend it'd be wise to let grief and
a bad mood shove away. She's been running herself ragged helping the
crew and keeping a special eye on you since Torres died, Tom. It
might be nice if you looked up long enough to show a little patience
and gratitude."

"I guess so." Sighing, Voyager's helmsman pinched the bridge of his
nose as they stepped into the ominously quiet sickbay. "I've been
depending on her. Maybe too much..."

"We all have. Doctor, are you here?" Kim filled the trailing silence,
tapping a nearby console. "Computer, what's the status of the EMH
program?"

"The EMH Mark Two program is currently offline. File corruption is
detected in subdirectories..."

"You were saying?" Settling a glare on his companion, Paris sat the
padd he held down, reaching up and tapping his com badge. "Vorik, the
Doctor is offline again."

"Commander Paris." The abruptly promoted engineer could hardly have
sounded more put out for a Vulcan. "I am otherwise occupied. A
holographic malfunction is currently among the least of our
concerns."

"He's not just any hologram, Lieutenant, he's our doctor."

"You are a medic. There have been no critical battle injuries within
the past forty-eight hours. Is there a pressing reason why you cannot
handle the Doctor's scheduled appointments for today?"

"No." Glaring at the wall, Paris shook his head warningly as a grin
began working its way up his companion's face. "Thanks as always,
Vorik. Have a wonderful day."

"I will endeavor to solve the problem tomorrow. Patience is a virtue."

"That's it." The pilot muttered, slapping the com badge again to shut
the channel.

"You were saying something about sullen?" Kim lifted a brow.

"Vulcans are always sullen; our friend Vorik just takes it to extremes
at times. Let me see..." Flicking on the nearby medical terminal, Tom
scanned the schedule.

"Ayala needs a head examination... Big surprise... Chell thinks his
antennae are infected...What is it with those Maquis?"

"You were one yourself, Paris." The ops officer reminded as he headed
for the door.

"I was too smart for them."

"That's why you got caught on your first mission, I suppose."

"Hey." Peering back down, Paris sighed. "Naomi needs that surgery to
repair the fracture she got during that battle, poor kid. It's going
to be a busy day."

"Need help?"

"I'd better leave Kes alone. She's mad enough at me. No, I'll take it
one case at a time."

"Maybe you should just apologize." The Lieutenant suggested. "I bet
Wildman would pick up a flower or two from hydroponics on her way
down here if you wanted a gift to give Kes. You could ask her to
assist during the surgery and pop the flowers out after the Wildmans
leave, and..."

"Ah. Harry Kim, hopeless star stranded romantic. Steal Kes' flowers to
assuage her annoyance and make a fool of myself offering an overture I
might not even be interested in? No thanks, Harry. Stop playing
Cupid, I'm not  interested... It's just too soon, and I may never be
interested again. So go on, just tell Chakotay that my bridge shift
is officially over for the day. I'll work alone."

"And die alone."

"I think I have a better shot of doing that with Kes. She's Ocampan,
remember? Of course, I wouldn't be averse to an exploding bulkhead
knocking me on my ass and snapping my neck right now either, if
anyone with power over the cosmos is listening."

"Tom!"

"Get lost, Jay-Gee!" Propelling his friend out of sickbay with a
series of less than gentle kicks, Paris glowered, waiting until a
gaping Kim had  isappeared around the corner to return to the
Doctor's office. Sitting, he began sifting through padds again,
finally coming up with the one he wanted and scanning it. The last
Krenim attack had come four days ago, and while there hadn't been any
mortal injuries, there had been plenty of wounded. Sam Wildman's
toddler had been the only crewman small enough to make it through the
partially collapsed Jeffries tubes, and so off young Naomi had gone
against everyone's better judgment, relaying messages without
complaint for two days. It had been the only option at the time, of
course, but that didn't erase the fact that countless burns,
contusions and a heavily fractured hip had resulted. The surface had
been healed earlier, the fracture had been held off until the enemy
was distant and calm could prevail. The psychological... Just another
in a long line of shocks.

"Poor kid." He repeated briefly, noting the required surgical
procedures in her file.

"If you mean Harry, he seems a little upset, but I'm certain that
he'll recover once I've assured him that you aren't imminently
suicidal." Kes slid into the room; hair neatly combed once more, pale
face devoid of the earlier frustration.

"Too busy to be," he offered shortly.

"I suppose I had better stay with you and see that you're kept that
way, then."

Pausing, Paris looked up, lips quirking. "He put you up to it?"

"No. I think you flustered him enough to forestall any plans he might
have had. Actually..." Drawing near, she perched on the edge of the
desk. "The Captain asked me to return to sickbay. He noted that you
looked a little peaked earlier and he looked in on Sam this morning.
It seems today is a bad day for Naomi. It was his opinion that you
might need a hand in here."

"Captain Considerate, that's what we'll call him."

"Tom, being perpetually angry isn't going to help anyone."

"I'm... not...perpetually angry." Blowing out a breath, he let the
padd fall to  the Doctor's desk, fingers pinching the bridge of his
nose. "I'm tired of it all. We can't get an edge on them. Voyager has
been under attack for months. The bulkheads are scorched. People are
being reassigned so swiftly that it's a miracle anyone has a clue
what they're doing. We're starving. We've stooped to sending a two
year old through fiery tubes on missions just because she's smart
enough to retain messages and looks innocent enough that the enemy
doesn't consider her a threat. Naomi's innocence was gone a hell of a
long time ago... and pretty soon more stasis pods will be occupied
than beds."

"And you don't find all of this reason to try and use the transwarp
drive, get out of Krenim territory?"

"Of course I do! I know the facts. I know that we need to do this. But
I just can't take the lead on it, Kes. It's this gut feeling I
have... The same one I had when Lanna died. I walked around all
morning with that feeling... There were moments I couldn't breathe
the terror hit so hard. I'd never felt that way before, and I never
felt that way again... until this damned quantum drive came up.
Well... Maybe I looked the fool, but B'Elanna and Captain Courageous
should have listened. I couldn't do anything about it then, Janeway's
attitude was to let her do the strategizing and me the flying.
Chakotay's a hell of a  better listener... but he's desperate too.
His choice is his choice... but he can't make me do the piloting.
This time I draw the line."

"Tom..." Standing, she moved quickly around the desk, arms
encircling his shoulders.

Sniffing, Paris slapped angrily at her hands, raising the other palm
to roughly scrape the moisture from his eyes. "I don't want your god
damn pity!" As soon as the words escaped he regretted them, turning
his head and taking in the hurt surprise written in the blue eyes.
"Haven't you ever had a  decision put before you that there was no
right answer to, one where all the greater good in the universe
wasn't enough to shield you from your own fears?"

Inhaling, the Ocampan removed her hands. "One. I should have told
Captain Janeway..." Her head shook swiftly, voice sharp. "That
doesn't matter now. I can't change the decisions I've made already.
And I can't regret being here when you need me. You do need me. And
you need to talk to Chakotay or Tuvok. Post-traumatic stress is
normal, but this is tearing you apart, Tom."

"I can't talk to Chakotay." Running a hand through his hair, the
helmsman sighed. "B'Elanna was like a daughter to him, and
Janeway... He has enough on him, that's why I can't flat out ask
him to stop the mission. You were right earlier; everyone needs this
chance... Everyone but me. Voyager is the only home I've ever had,
the only family. I suppose I have to learn that it isn't the same for
everybody."

"You may just be surprised if you think about it more deeply. Think of
Naomi, Tom. This is the only home she's ever had. All of her good
memories are here, not simply memories of crawling through Jeffries
tubes. I'm willing to speculate that the thought of getting home is
more behind her recent misbehavior than any trauma from the battle.
And the Doctor... He's only just begun to settle in with his
existence and begin to explore. He had nothing to gain by returning
to the Alpha Quadrant. And Neelix and I... Voyager has given us so
much. I doubt anything the Alpha Quadrant has to offer could rival
it."

"Naomi will outgrow most of her memories, given time and a better
situation. She's young. You and Neelix could leave in his ship if you
have doubts. It's a little different for me. This is my home, but I
wasn't born to it. The only human left out here... Chakotay would
never agree to leave me, neither would Tuvok. I don't blame them;
I've caused enough uproar in this quadrant. And I frankly don't know
how I could take it, staying alone."

"If Neelix and I left in his ship where would we go, Paris?" Her voice
hardened. "The Krenim would have us in a day's time. Do you think
you're the only person ever trapped in a gilded cage, afraid of the
darkness? Perhaps I should have accepted it, forsaken the sun. But I
didn't, and I'll be here until the end, however it comes. I made that
choice, not any higher power. I don't want to hear you asking for
release. You don't deserve the type you always seem to seek. And I
want you to rid yourself of those deep-rooted human mores. If you
feel the need to grieve, cry on my shoulder. Don't kick poor Harry.
Stop expecting to be alone. Please, stop pushing me away. There is no
Neelix and I. Whether you like it or not, you happen to be all I have.
I know your heart is still broken, but there's no reason you should
have to suffer it alone. B'Elanna wouldn't want you to, and I must
honor her by refusing to let you. You're the only thing I have left."

"I..." Standing, he turned, gaping.

"Now..." She interrupted softly, cheeks flaming as her emotion
driven tirade ended. "The Wildmans are due any moment. Can you handle
the procedure?"

"Yeah." Lifting an instructional padd, he shook off the last vestiges
of agitation and skimmed. "Yes, I think so. It seems straightforward
enough."

"Good. I'll go ready what you need, and stay in case I'm required.
We'll miss first mess, but I think I have replicator rations hoarded.
We can brunch later and discuss my flight training schedule."

"Kes." Catching her arm as she maneuvered around the desk and headed
for main sickbay, Tom managed a small smile. "Thanks. And I'm... I'm
glad you're here." Watching as she disappeared around the corner with
a faint smile of her own, he tapped his com badge. "Paris to Kim."

"Paris?"

"Where are you, Lieutenant?"

"Deck eight, picking up Naomi. The Captain needs Sam on the bridge.
Naomi and I will be there in a few minutes."

"That's great." Tom sat up quickly, peering through the window out
into main sickbay. Kes was bent over a biobed, arranging instruments
on a tray.

"Your prospective patient doesn't think so." Kim sounded less than
amused himself. "What did you need?"

"Uh... Well, if you were in the vicinity of hydroponics... Which you
are... I was going to ask you to pick up a couple of plants and
swing by sickbay. Looks like the Fates are conspiring in my favor."

"Flowers? What happened since I left, Paris? Did you ram your head
into a bulkhead? Perform a personality transplant?"

"Very funny... Just pick up a rose or two."

"You want to give her roses?" The amused tones rose to a squeak. "That
fast?  I didn't mean to send you on a rampage, you know!"

"I meant a yellow rose or two, Harry... to stand for friendship."

"That's what they all say."

"Shut up. It was your idea in the first place." Blushing despite
himself, the helmsman and often medic lifted a hand to rub at his
neck.

"Well, I was trying to distract you from your misery. I didn't
actually expect you to go through with it. Tom..."

"Oh for crying out loud, just pick up the kid and the flowers and come
on, Lieutenant!" Slapping the channel shut, Paris swiveled in his
seat, jumping slightly as he found Kes waiting just inside the
doorway. "Ah..."

"Everything is set up." The Ocampan's blue eyes twinkled.

Damn. Standing, he shrugged, forcing an easy smile. "If you wanted to
get back to the bridge or take some time off, I can handle things
here."

"No... I wouldn't miss this for the universe." He could have sworn
that she stifled a burst of laughter before her face sobered. "Naomi
has some very sharp teeth. Harry may require dermal regeneration."

"All right... if you insist." Hiding his discomfort, the pilot slipped
past her, rolling up his sleeves and taking a deep breath.
Approaching footsteps  and the outraged howling of Voyager's first
child heralded guests even before the sickbay doors slid open.

"I do." Kes patted his arm briefly just as the door slid open, smile
widening. "Let's take this one step at a time, together."

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The End