The BLTS Archive - An Introduction To Grief by Ananke (aeteananke@gmail.com) --- Disclaimer: All characters herein owned by Paramount Studios and other entities. No copyright infringement intended. Title taken from a No Kidding challenge.* --- "I'm leaving Voyager, Captain." Straightening from her desk, Kathryn Janeway filtered the words slowly, head angling. "Ensign?" "I plan to stay here. To settle. With Neelix and the Talaxian colonists." He spoke in monosyllables, awkwardly, a hand waving towards the viewport, to the planet below. "Ensign Kim. Harry." She moved forward, fledgling unease building steadily. Of course, as with many of the planets, the crew had been given the option to leave. It wasn't an open door policy, precisely, just understanding...Voyager couldn't be a prison. But...Harry? "We need you." "I've got relief waiting to give relief TO relief." He snapped, then closed his eyes. "Look, Captain. I love Voyager, and I'm going to miss the crew a lot. I know I'll never get home this way, but my parents will just have to understand. I can't stay here. I need more." Ah, so that was it. "Another pip?" "It's only show." Firm, dry, the remark cut deeply. "It's not the pip. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of pretending home is just over the horizon and we'll all live happily ever after. It's been seven years..." "We have contact with Starfleet. Entire crews are searching for our break. Home may not be over the horizon, Mr. Kim, but hope has never been closer." "Hope has an expiration date in my reality, Captain." She swallowed, turning away, inhaling. "Very well. I won't have a member of my crew miserable. I only ask that you remain aboard until tomorrow, time enough for us to settle the diplomatic dust and ready your replacement. Your safety below as well as ours up here." "Captain." He moved forward, touching her arm, awkwardly. "Thank you. And I'm sorry." "Dismissed." He left without another word. --- She never would be quite sure what drove her to his quarters that night. The original mission, she often thought, might have been to derank him. In private, of course, even if he had chosen to leave, it was an experience best met with no witnesses. The lights were dim, the room sparse. His belongings, oddly few, were stacked by the door. All the uniforms but one rested on the desk. He was wearing the one, and eyed her. The captain moved forward, bereft of words, infuriated that he had left her in the position. "Ensign, are you certain you want to do this?" Her fingers rose, touched his collar, eyes carefully calm. He sighed, catching her fingers, leading them in the job. The pip fell, easily, and was lost in the shadows of the carpeted floor. His fingers moved on, thumbing under her chin, twisting a strand of hair. "I couldn't live another seven years with you." "You haven't tried living a single one without me, either." Her tones lowered, sharpened, palms spreading flat on his chest, absorbing the heat. "Captain..." "No damned pip, remember?" "Kathryn." It wasn't the first time he had said it, not by far, but, perhaps, it would be the last. Her fists connected solidly with his stomach. "Ungrateful..." "I love you too." Gasping, he grasped her elbows, forcing her back, into a sliver of light. "Take that uniform off." "That doesn't sound like much of a proposition..." She ripped the zipper down, throwing the jacket off. "You don't deserve it." The smile was dancing around his lips, deepening. He found her amusing, did he? "You *don't* deserve..." "You?" He caught her hands, unfolding the fingers with careful gentleness. She snorted. "They're Talaxians, Harry. The women aren't even compatible..." He grinned. "They like me. A lot." "I did too. Before thi..." His lips found hers, gentle, hushing. Stepping back, he steadied her. "Forget this. Forget the uniform. Forget the Talaxians. Forget the Captain. We have tonight." --- "He left." Me. Alone. Again. Turning, Captain Kathryn Janeway met the gaze of her pilot, sipping coffee as he paced in agitation through the ready room. "I know." "I wanted him to be around for the baby. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted..." "I *know*." His head snapped around, taking her in. "By god, Captain, you look like hell." She turned away. "You...you loved him? HIM?" "So did you, apparently. He was far from repulsive, either platonically or romantically." His breath sucked in. "I'm sorry." "Introductions to grief are actually rather beneficial in the long run, Mr. Paris." He shook his head desperately. "By god, this is a ship of fools." --- Somehow, she survived the shift. Getting home was harder, she ended up right where she shouldn't have, just like a dozen times before. This time, though, the room was dark, stripped. Stepping in, the captain ran fingers along the wall, making way to the desk, holding the stack of uniforms. The pip, on top. The voice was light, slow, thoughtful. "I left Voyager." Straightening from his desk, Kathryn Janeway filtered the words slowly, head angling. "Ensign?" "I changed my mind. I plan to stay here. To settle. With you and the other voyagers." He spoke in monosyllables, awkwardly, arms sweeping to encompass the ship. "Ensign Kim. Harry." She moved forward, raw emotion building steadily. "I need you." "I know." Bending, he caught her lips. "I need you more." She hushed. --- The End