The BLTS Archive- Private Emotion by Amiroq. aka Gypzy (fitchett@netaccess.co.nz) --- Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. The English language isn't mine. The song isn't mine. I'd like to take credit for the title, at least, but that's not mine either. Dang. Song by Ricky Martin, story by Amiroq. --- Every endless night has a dawning day Every darkest sky has a shining ray And it shines on you baby can't you see You're the only one who can shine for me --- The sky was black. Not pitch black, but as black as a sky can get - dark dark blue, I guess, except for one tiny corner where the sun still peeked round a door, trying to stay up late 'just this once, please?' to watch the stars party all night, laughing and talking and drinking champagne while their host, the moon, watched serenely, making sure it didn't get too out of hand. In that corner, it was still slightly reddish, though the dark dark blue was creeping slowly across it. Soon, perhaps in a few minutes, even that small patch would be gone too. We'd both stopped walking then. We were just standing there, the sea breeze ruffling your hair and mine, salt in our noses, waves in our ears. I could still see you clearly despite the lack of light, and you were beautiful that night. You were wearing a long dress, I think Tom had persuaded you to, and it was slapping gently onto your legs, trying to get your attention. It was red - red suited you. A silver chain hung around your neck, the same colour as the moonlight, and on the end was a small crucifix. You were barefoot, same as me, and we could both feel the sand on our feet, soft, dry and still warm from the happy sun licking the mountains and the horizon. I could see the world in your eye, the moon and the stars and the sun and Voyager, somewhere in orbit. Supernovas and black holes all had their places in your eyes, a deep brown-black. Everything else was losing focus, but to this day I can remember exactly how you looked at that moment. --- When your soul is tired and your heart is weak Do you think of love as a one way street Well it runs both ways open up your eyes Can't you see me here how can you deny --- As we stood there you opened up. You told me about the last time you'd watched the sun setting, really watched - you were nineteen. I remember, see? You were with another guy from the Academy, someone who served on Voyager with us. Mack Daamen. I remember that, too. I also remember when you found out that he'd killed your best friend. I thought you were going to-- but that was different. You said you thought he'd oved you, and you'd loved him, but that you were very very wrong. He turned out to be a bad egg: hitting you, threatening worse. You cried, quietly, tears running in rivulets down your cheeks, and the stars were reflected in the trails that were left behind, and in the shine in your eyes. That story made me angry, but what you said next shook me more. "Love," you said; "Love, is nothing but trouble. If I never fall in love again it will be too soon." And I shook my head, and told you, no. *I* loved you more than anyone ever could, and I guess I always did. That's why I clung to you in the early days, when all the Maquis ran the risk of getting beat up, when alliances were essential if we wanted to get home. By that night, no one cared, but by then it was just taken for granted. We'll get home, we all said, but it was just a matter of principle. "Why do you think I'm here is love is nothing but trouble?" I asked. Then you shook *your* head, and I stopped you, and kissed you. --- It's a private emotion that fills you tonight And a silence falls between us As the shadows steal the light And wherever you may find it Wherever it may lead Let your private emotion come to me Come to me --- As the sun finally disappeared to bed, totally gone for ten hours until it would come back in the dawn, we sat down in silence. You were already loose, sharing things you would normally pretend never existed, and so it was easy to let other things out, things that would usually be locked up as deep as possible in the Pandora's box of your heart, with the key thrown away. But tonight, they crept through tiny little cracks and squirmed their way out - things like that last sunset, things like love. Your most private emotion, the one you deny, the one you say you've never felt. You said you loved me, too. You didn't know when it happened, you didn't know what would happen now, but it was there. --- Every endless night has a dawning day Every darkest sky has a shining ray It takes a lot to laugh when your tears run by But you can find me here till your tears run dry --- It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your fear, and your deepest fear was vulnerablility, the vulnerablility that comes with love, knowing that that person could hurt you deeply, leaving scars that no amount of medical knowledge could fix. I don't know if, under the circumstances, I could have admitted loving you, if that was *my* fear. But you were always braver than me - you were brave, and I was stable. Stable enough to stay with someone when I said I would. That night was the happiest of my life. Nothing spectacular happened, in the literal sense of the word, but that was the night I realised the *true* meaning of life, the meaning the human race has been searching for since the beginning of time. Ironically, it's been right there the whole time. The wonder of it, is that even when we're gone, simple dust to be blown away in a gentle summer breeze, the celestial bodies will still live on, the planets in their orbits and the suns still burning. And no matter how intense our feelings are, no matter what amazing feats we perform, we'll be forgotten long before they die. --- It's a private emotion that fills you tonight And a silence falls between us As the shadows steal the light And wherever you may find it Wherever it may lead Let your private emotion come to me --- The End