The BLTS Archive- Kirk/Sarek: To Heal a Mind by Acidqueen (a.q@gmx.de) --- Author's Note: Third part of my Kirk/Sarek series, which consists of "To Share a Dream" and "To Mend a Heart". Reading the prequels first is recommended but not necessary. Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek, I own my brain. No infringement is intended, and no money is being made. Archive: My own website, ASCEM, all others ask, please. Acknowledgement: Thanks to Lyrastar for beta'ing! All remaining errors are mine! --- One week, one day, fourteen hours. Even though Amanda was a mere human, living without clocks had developed her own inner time sense down to the level of hours. One week, one day and fourteen hours since Spock's resurrection, and still no contact. She feared the healers saw him as a challenging experiment, but who was she to judge. And McCoy was in the temple too, since he had had that breakdown two days after the fal-tor-pan. Untested rituals had their dangers... She looked up from her tea and over at the breakfast table where Scott, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov were engaged in animated discussion. "A pity that the ship is still not cleared by the Vulcan authorities," she heard Scott complain. "Although they aren't even interested in it. I'd love to fractionalize it." Kirk sat to the side in silence, stirring in a cup of coffee, his mind obviously elsewhere. Uhura's attempt to make him join their upcoming tour had failed, and in the end she had given up. "Admiral, would you prefer some tea?" Amanda asked him. "No thanks," Kirk said and put the spoon away. Taking the cup he said, "I think I'd better go back to my room," and left the dining room. Five pairs of eyes followed him in silence and all talk stopped for a moment. Amanda met Uhura's gaze. The woman shrugged and shook her head slightly. This is doing no good, Amanda thought with an inward sigh. Kirk's mood was getting worse in the last days, not better. They needed to do something. With some friendly words to the officers she left for Sarek's meditation chamber, which was shady and silent like always, the walls decorated with a few Vulcan symbols. He knelt on a mat in its middle, his almost inaudible breathing telling her that he was resting deep in his mind. She took a place in a comfy chair at his side, watching him. They had had complicated times in their relationship, but they had overcome every problem, with and through logic and emotions. Finding a way between extremes was not easy, and sometimes they had failed. But with age, peace of mind was easier to reach, and she would not want to be anywhere but here with Sarek. He stirred, a small movement in the former frozen features, and then he slowly opened his eyes and looked at her. "My wife - do you not know that your presence will call me out of meditation any time?" he said, his voice earnest, but the sparkle in his eyes showing his relaxed mood. She wished meditations would work as well for her as they did for him. "I apologize, Sarek. I felt the need to be near you," she said. "And you have something on your mind that troubles you," he added. "I do." He moved over to her and knelt down at her feet in a gesture of offering. Their hands met softly on the armrests. "What is on your mind?" he asked. She laced her fingers into his. "Have you noticed Kirk's behavior over the last days?" "I have." "Do you know why he withdraws like this?" "I can only speculate," Sarek said. "Of course," he added when he saw Amanda frown, "the current situation is especially problematic for him. He has essentially sacrificed his whole career for his friends. And he has lost his ship." Amanda nodded. "In Terran naval history, it was tradition that the captain died with his ship. Maybe...he feels like he had cheated." Sarek raised a brow. "I would say his career is full of 'cheating', my wife, if you refer to working against either rules or probability." "But this time it might be different." She rubbed her fingers over his hands, enjoying the calming contact. "Did you expect it would end like this when you flew to Earth?" Sarek pondered briefly, a sure sign that he wanted to damp the possible impact of his answer. "I presumed that it would not be without cost to fulfill our wish." "But you didn't think it would be that costly," Amanda murmured. "Have we been very selfish, Sarek?" He caressed over her lower arms in silence. "Possibly," he finally said. "But had Kirk not gone to Genesis, Spock would have remained dead, McCoy would have gone insane and, with a high probability, Saavik would have been killed by Klingons." She shivered. Saavik was like a granddaughter to her, and the adoption papers had lain in Sarek's desk for years. All they waited for was the moment when Saavik would finish the Academy and get her own posting; then she wouldn't feel that her connections had bought her way into Starfleet. They had been so close to losing not only one but two members of the family. Her gaze came to rest on Sarek's medallion, passed down from generations. It radiated peace and warmth, things Vulcan usually had in abundance - but not this House these days. "Do you think you can help him?" "I do not know," Sarek answered quietly. His hands wandered up her shoulders to massage the taut muscles there. He could feel her tension in every touch. Amanda met his gaze. "I want you to go to him. I know you can reach him." He took a deep breath. He had told her once, in little words, about Kirk and him. She had not taken it lightly, although she had tried to keep her composure on the outside. But she could not really shield anything important from the bond. "Amanda -" "Please, Sarek. Do what is necessary." She reached for his chest, caressing him. "I can't watch him like this," Amanda murmured. "It hurts, and it adds to my feeling of guilt. We are partially responsible for having brought him into this mess, and we have to see that he comes out of it as well as possible." "It was his decision, Amanda," Sarek said firmly. "His own decision, and the decision of his officers. Not because of us, but because of their friendship for Spock and McCoy." She looked at him, wordlessly. He took another deep breath. "I will attend to him." "Thank you, my husband," she said. Reaching out with two fingers she touched his face. It would hurt a little, but it would be worth it. --- The sky was red and the air unmoving, almost as unmoving as he. He couldn't remember how long he had sat like this, the chair facing the windows, legs lying on a stool, the cool coffee in his hand. It felt like hours. A day, perhaps. What was wrong with him? He couldn't tell. It was just like all energy had fled him after Spock had stepped away from their first encounter, the few words. He knew the feeling in principle; the end of missions often left a taste of emptiness, making him wonder if that was all, if it had been worth the costs, the efforts, the energy. Even after successful missions the following hours and days could feel stale and lifeless. Normally McCoy would nag him until he would go into the gym to work out. Or Spock would offer a game of chess and beat him until he would fight back again. How he missed them. He closed his eyes. Waiting had never been his strong side, and now while his fate seemed to lie in the hands of diplomats as Starfleet was shouting for his blood it was even less so. He knew that he should take the reigns again and manage his affairs instead of allowing others to take over. But his alternatives, for once, seemed few. Stay or go...wherever. He looked outside again. The sky changed; sunset was beginning. He had felt young again after seeing Genesis on the screen, Carol at his side, McCoy, David...it seemed like a century ago. Cheating age worked as little as cheating death. And he felt as if he had paid for Spock's life with David's life, as if he had bribed some ancient, cantankerous gods who wished their payment in blood and he had given it to them. Red for green... His hands clamped around the cup of coffee, which was room temperature, muddy brown, still untouched. His stomach grumbled quietly, asking for food that he didn't feel like eating. The sunset evoked nice colors, the same every evening - like a movie that scrolled over a screen in front of him again and again. Dark red, slight pink, little blue, stripes of white, deep red, human blood, Klingon blood, blazing light, a room closed. He stood up in a rush, for a second wanting to throw the cup against the wall but then placing it aside instead, spilling the liquid over the table cloth. It soaked it up, muddy brown turning to muddy gray. "May I come in?" someone said at his back, and he jerked around. "Or is this the wrong moment?" Sarek added calmly. Kirk took a deep breath, for a moment wanting to say yes. But looking into the Vulcan's eyes, he found he couldn't lie. "Since there seems to be no right moment for a while, you may just as well come in," he said. "Make yourself comfortable." He waved at the chairs that stood around the table, then bent down to take the stool. Sarek drew near but remained standing, surveying the scene with his usual placidity. "I wanted to offer my assistance." "Assistance?" Kirk looked up. "What for?" Sarek closed his hands over his chest, a picture of a composed stance. "Simply talking, maybe. Speaking your heart, as humans say. Unburden yourself." "Maybe," Kirk said defensively. He placed the stool into a corner, finding that it left his hands too empty, unsure what to do with them and what do say to Sarek. He stepped to the window. "Perfect view, isn't it?" "Not as perfect as space, Kirk," Sarek said. "No," Kirk admitted quietly. "Did it hurt to see the Enterprise going down?" Kirk frowned and turned to face the Vulcan. "Is this going to be a therapy session for my psychological welfare?" he asked roughly. "If that is what you need," Sarek said calmly. Kirk looked at him, at loss for words for a second. Then he found them. "Don't tell me...don't tell me you came with another offer. You're not telling me you're offering me sex tonight, in your own house with your own wife twenty meters away...are you?" "If that is what you need," Sarek repeated just as calm. "And be informed that my wife was the one to send me to you." Seeing Kirk's open disbelief, he reached for the intercom. "You may ask her personally." "No...no," Kirk said weakly. He rubbed his forehead, trying to fight the headache that built up. "It's just so...incredible." He looked up again, smiling warily. "Seems I am still not used to your pragmatic way of handling that topic. But...well...thanks, I appreciate it, but I won't accept it. It wouldn't fit - not at all." He rotated back to the window. The sky had turned to its darkest red- brown, the last color before darkness fell. "I don't know if you saw it in that meld, but when I saw Spock there..." Kirk swallowed hard, "...there in that reaction chamber, I realized that I had never stopped loving him. I had thought I'd overcome it, but I hadn't. And I realized that in the worst possible moment, when I was to lose him because of my own stupidity, my arrogance..." He clamped his hands onto the window frame. The air was fresh now, its cool breeze drying the sweat of the day from his face. "It was his arrogance, too," Sarek said behind him. "He supported your decision. You were a team, Kirk, and in that moment you made the wrong decision as a team." Kirk briefly closed his eyes. "But he paid, not I." "You paid when you rescued him, Kirk. You paid with your career, your ship and your son. You overpaid, in my opinion." How could a body hurt so much without a wound, Kirk wondered. But he wouldn't falter, he... Arms closed around his chest, keeping him from bending low. He leaned his head back onto the Vulcan's shoulder, wallowing in the borrowed strength for a moment. Then he straightened and tried to escape out of the embrace, but Sarek held him closely. "Don't, Sarek," Kirk said in a low voice. "Stop trying to out-Vulcan the Vulcans, Kirk," Sarek whispered into his ear. "Especially if the wounds are so large that even Vulcans would seek out a healer." Kirk closed his hands around Sarek's arms, pulling at them half- heartedly. But though he tried hard to resist their comfortable strength, he felt his body yield where his mind didn't want to. "I can deal with it by myself," he said. "I've dealt with most things by myself." Sarek shook his head, a small movement that Kirk only felt, not saw. "That is not true, Kirk. In the past you had Spock and McCoy at your side, for guidance and support when you needed it. They are not here now - but I am." "Please," Kirk said, and something in his voice made Sarek let him loose. He turned around and faced the Vulcan. He wanted to tell him that he didn't need anyone, but words left him as Sarek closed his arms around him once more. The touch was strangely calming and wonderful arousing all in one, and his body searched the contact, craving for the nearness - craving to come alive again. "I don't want to use you, Sarek," Kirk said, weakly fighting the embrace. "And it would feel like that." Sarek met his eyes. "Would you rather have Spock in your arms?" "Yes - no - I don't know." Kirk shivered. "I don't know. I don't know anything tonight. I just don't want to make any decisions anymore. I don't want to choose. I can't choose, Sarek." "I take away your choice, Kirk," Sarek whispered. "You don't have to choose, I choose instead." He kissed the human's forehead. "I choose," he repeated, placing a trail of kisses over the round eyebrow. "Sarek..." A plea, so low. "Let me choose you," Sarek said and opened the embrace just wide enough to allow him a full kiss on Kirk's lips. That burst the wall that Kirk had tried to keep up, and a springtide of feelings took away every thought and every doubt. He was drowning, and it was so right, here with Sarek. His lips opened in a wordless offer, and he felt Sarek drinking in his taste, the tongue searching deep, licking and probing. The other's hardness met his own, and he trembled from the fire that sprang over to him and pushed his need to burning heights. He closed his eyes as Sarek half led, half carried him over to the bed and lay him down, still holding him closely embraced, protected and secure. And Kirk let loose, so loose as if he were water himself, giving everything away tonight... --- Kirk awoke in Sarek's arms. He inhaled deeply, cherishing the feeling of being held like this. It had been a long time since he had given up control to someone else...and a long time since he had given himself to anyone at all. Opening his eyes he met Sarek's gaze. "Good morning, Sarek," he said. "Seems you're becoming a kind of weird constant in my life." The Vulcan wordlessly caressed his cheek, then leaned forward for a kiss. "Indeed, this appears to be the case," Sarek finally agreed when he had pulled back. Kirk traced the Vulcan's lips with his fingertips. They opened to him, sucking his digits into the dryness. He closed his eyes and allowed the heat to rise from his abdomen to the rest of his body. Their hips moved together, rubbing erection at erection. "You're destroying all my ideas of Vulcan sexuality," Kirk murmured, his voice anything but steady. Sarek tilted his head back, letting the human's finger slip out of his mouth. "I could say the same," he replied. "My own theories about my sexuality had to be realigned after our encounters." "Leave it to a Vulcan to make everything sound like science," Kirk replied in an imitation of McCoy. "Leave it to a human to engage in unnecessary talk during intercourse," Sarek said flatly, and pulled Kirk into another kiss, sealing his lips efficiently. A leg caught Kirk's hips, pulling their bodies tightly together. Slowly they moved, tiny little movements with torturously little friction, just enough to build up the heat and the tension. In the end it became unbearable for Kirk, and so he reached down between their legs, adding his fingers to the arousing mixture. Instantly climax claimed them both, and softly moaning into each other's mouth they came, spilling hot wetness between them. Enjoying the ebbing waves, they rocked together for a moment before they released each other. Sarek stood up. "I will fetch some towels," he said matter-of-factly, and left for the bathroom. He returned shortly after, giving Kirk one. "Thanks," Kirk said and stood up too, drying the worst stains on his body and the bed. Then he dropped the towel over a nearby chair and went to the window. The morning was still young, the sun barely risen above the horizon. He stretched and then fixed his hands to the top of the window frame, letting his body swing slightly. "I've made a decision," he said. "I'll go back to Earth and face the trial. My officers can choose for themselves, but they'll probably come with me." "I expected this," Sarek said. He placed his hands on Kirk's shoulders, a comforting, comfortable touch. "I will fly there in advance and try to appease the Federation Council and Starfleet." "You don't have to do that." Kirk pushed himself away from the window frame and turned to close his hands around Sarek's hips. The Vulcan was dressed already, and the robe crinkled under his touch. Sarek shook his head. "I have to, Kirk," he replied. "And the Vulcan High Council supports me fully. You and your officers are heroes of our people. We do not want to see you convicted." He touched the human's face slightly, a mere brush over the psionic points, but it left Kirk craving for more. And it reminded him of... "Yes, Kirk," Sarek said in a low voice. "It may not be too late for you and Spock. Seek him out. Help him back. I am not the right one to do that." Kirk nodded. "I'll do my best." A suspicion struck him. "When does your flight leave?" "In five hours," Sarek replied calmly. Kirk broke into open laughter. "These departures come in handy for you, don't they?" "Perhaps my way of ensuring my safety," Sarek admitted. "You are a tempting personality." "I could return the compliment," Kirk said and pulled Sarek into a close embrace, burying his head into the Vulcan's neck and wallowing in his strength for another long moment. Then he let him loose and met his gaze. "Thank you, Sarek" he said. "For everything." "You're welcome, Kirk," Sarek replied earnestly. "Any time." Then he turned and left, his steps soon trailing off in the stone-floored corridor. And in the distance the sun blinked over the mountains, sending a promise of hope to Kirk. --- The End