The BLTS Archive- Kirk/Sarek: To Mend a Heart
by Acidqueen (a.q@gmx.de)

---

Author's Note: Second part of my Kirk/Sarek series, i.e. sequel to
"To Share a Dream".

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek, I own my brain. No
infringement is intended, and no money is being made.

Archive: My own website, ASCEM, all others ask, please.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Lyrastar for betaing! All remaining errors
are mine!

---

If he had thought about it, he would have realized that he would meet
Sarek again sooner or later at a reception. But since he hadn't, he
was struck by surprise when he turned and looked into the Vulcan's
face that day.

"You have met Ambassador Sarek already, as I remember...?" Nogura
said. Kirk nodded briskly. "A pleasure to meet you again, Ambassador,"
he said - an exaggeration, but his diplomacy had improved over the
last months, making the words coming out smoothly and believably. And
his shielding had improved too, fortunately, the shielding that he had
learned from... Stop thinking, Jim.

"A pleasure likewise, Admiral Kirk," Sarek answered, his face, like in
the past, giving nothing away of his true thoughts.

"You know we've arranged a special event today - we'll fly to the New
Australian Falls with the latest shuttle generation, a small test
before they are officially released. Why don't you share a shuttle? I
am sure you have some things to talk about," Nogura said, and met
Kirk's gaze.

Kirk was at loss for words; but finding no excuse he finally shrugged,
a movement he instantly regretted. Sarek made the decision for them
both. "Thank you, Admiral Nogura. I am looking forward to exchanging
more words with Admiral Kirk, whom I believe to be one of the more
capable additions to Starfleet Headquarters in the last years."

"You diplomats are all alike," Nogura grinned, but Kirk felt that the
Asian was well aware of the implied critique of Admirals DeBoer and
Ochuta, people who had reached their positions mostly by sitting
around long enough to earn promotion. "I am glad that you appreciate
my choice, Ambassador. It took me a lot of hard work to convince Kirk
to join the chiefs."

Nogura left them, and after some polite words they parted for the
moment. But when the party later boarded the shuttles, Kirk in fact
ended up next to Sarek. Well, he'd handle it like any encounter with a
high-ranking diplomat - with grace.

The shuttled started and Kirk automatically analyzed the sounds it
made. The scheduled flight would take them out of the atmosphere and
back again, and he was half looking forward to seeing the stars
unfogged again, half fearing their strong pull. It had taken him a
while to adjust to Earth life - in fact, in a way, he was still
adjusting...

"You look well, Admiral."

He turned his head and met Sarek's gaze. "A compliment from a Vulcan?
How unusual," he replied dryly.

"Simply an observation," Sarek said unmoved. Uncomfortable silence
fell over them for a long moment, in which Kirk frantically searched
for a good topic.

"How is Doctor McCoy?" Sarek asked. Not a good topic.

"I presume he's well. He left Earth for a mission on a hospital ship
in the Deneb system," Kirk replied.

Silence fell again. Kirk brushed through his hair, wondering if he
should ask. "Have you seen Dr. Chapel lately?" he finally said.

"I have not, but my wife stays in contact with her," Sarek replied.
"Spock's departure came unexpectedly for her. She feels guilty about
it, for no good reason. A tendency humans frequently exhibit." He
looked at Kirk, dark eyes once more dismantling him.

"Mostly the women," Kirk replied jokingly. No, he hadn't felt guilty.
Why should he? It was just that nagging feeling that he had had
something to do with Spock's departure, but nothing he could put a
finger on. And when McCoy had put his fingers on, it had hurt too
much. And now McCoy was gone. Not disappeared from his life like the
Vulcan had done - he would be able to reach him in principle. But
McCoy had made it clear that he didn't want to hear from him. 'Cutting
ties is easier when cut right away', McCoy had growled and left. Stop
thinking, Jim.

"Over the last months, I realized that I should offer you an apology,"
Sarek said. It took Kirk a moment to understand what Sarek was talking
about, and then his temper flared. His diplomatic mask held. His voice
didn't.

"Don't, Ambassador," he said harshly. "I wasn't a weak human then, and
I am not one today. It was my decision too, and I don't regret it."
No, not really. It just hadn't made anything better. It had made
everything worse. Too much knowledge can be a bad thing. Not a
statement Spock would likely have understood.

Sarek only nodded.

The shuttle rocked briefly as they crossed the atmospheric border and,
for a few minutes, they were in space, darkness all above them, a
light blue ball down below them. A sun back in the rear windows, if
you turned your head. Wonderful, simply wonderful, Kirk thought.

"Do you miss the stars, Admiral?" Sarek asked. Not a good topic, once
again.

"I did, for a while. But my new job gives me many opportunities I
hadn't had before. Today I can anger the poor captains out there by
sitting at my desk and telling them what to do." He laughed, trying
hard to make it sound real. And he still avoided the Vulcan's gaze.

The shuttle entered the atmosphere again, and Kirk calculated the
flight would last another five minutes. Thank god. He would make sure
to get another companion for the flight back.

"How long will you stay on Earth," he said, trying a last time for
normal, polite conversation.

"4.3 weeks this time," Sarek replied.

Below them, the New Australian Falls already shimmered in the sun, the
newest project of Earth agriculture.

"Even though I appreciate the abundance of water on Terra, I do not
understand why humans feel the need to irrigate their deserts," Sarek
said.

"We do not cherish deserts as Vulcans do." Kirk shrugged. "Perhaps we
never quite saw life there."

"Just because it is small and hidden does not mean it is not there."

"Philosophy, Sarek? Not my strongest field," Kirk replied absent-
mindedly, counting down the minutes to their arrival.

"I received a different impression on the Enterprise," Sarek said.
"Why do you think you have to hide this?"

Kirk looked at him, for the first time fully meeting the Vulcan's
eyes. "Hiding knowledge can be a good thing. I thought a diplomat
would know that."

"Everything in due time," Sarek said.

The shuttle landed with a small damped sound, a perfect landing
without the rattling and shaking that shuttles usually made in the
hands of weaker pilots.

"I hope we meet again over the next weeks," Sarek said when they
parted.

"We probably will," Kirk said. Not if he could help it, he thought.

On the way back, he sat right next to the Deltan ambassador.

---

He wasn't sure how Sarek did it, but they met again. A dinner here, a
party there, conference openings, auditions - it seemed that the
Vulcan ambassador was to become a constant in his life. And after
their sixth meeting in two weeks, Kirk gave up feeling uncomfortable
in his presence. Instead, he decided to take Sarek as the man he was,
an interesting, intelligent,  knowledgeable conversational partner for
whom he was usually envied.

The themes they discussed the most were politics, philosophy and
sociology. Not that what they 'read' in the books was the same - their
unique takes on things, Sarek from the viewpoint of a Vulcan diplomat,
and Kirk from his viewpoint of a military man, shaded their
interpretations, of course. But that just made the discussions more
interesting. And Kirk realized that he felt at ease with Sarek the
moment he laughed heartily in his presence.

And it was the same moment where he realized that he was fascinated by
Sarek. Not as a substitute for... No. Simply for the man that Sarek
was. Damn, what the hell was he getting himself into? He left the
party hastily, using the flu he felt upcoming as excuse. It struck him
down the whole next week, and it was good that way, allowing him to
cancel all official events for that time. Sarek would leave soon. And
that was better for them both.

---

"James T., you've made yourself rare the last days," the woman on the
screen said. Not that he had ever given her the right to use his first
name, but she used it anyway.

"Admiral Ciani," Kirk replied very formally, "I was officially on sick
leave. And tonight -"

"Tonight you'll join us at the reception. The only acceptable excuse
would be a broken leg or something comparable."

"What about broken hearts?" he joked. She looked at him darkly, and he
felt his smile vanishing.

"Broken hearts are no excuse, Admiral Kirk."

"Then I'll come," he said. At least she had used his surname again.

---

The reception was everything he had feared. Especially that Sarek was
there, too, flanked by some attaches. Kirk found himself searching
their faces, musing who the young human attache might be that Sarek
had spoken about that night. But none seemed to resemble him. He paved
his way to the buffet, eager to get a shielding plate between him and
his surroundings. Having sampled his share, he retreated into a hidden
corner.

"Nice to see you, James T.," someone whispered into his ear. "You're
late."

"Good evening, Miss Ciani," he replied, knowing that she hated that
old-fashioned address. She laughed and snatched a sausage from his
plate.

"I love your good manners, James T.," she said and ate it.

He sighed. "Nobody would think you're an Admiral from your manners."

"I only behave like that around you; you could use some loosening-up."
She cleaned her fingers with his napkin. Nobody had ever done that
besides... Stop thinking, Jim.

He pushed the plate away. "I have to say hello to some people. Please
excuse me." From the corner of his eye he caught her shaking her head.
Then he was submerged in the crowd, chit-chatting with Starfleeters,
diplomats, politicians and some scientists who, as usual, gathered in
a corner of their own after a while. He briefly smiled as he realized
that they reminded him of... Stop it, Jim.

"Admiral."

He spun around. "Ambassador - nice to see you."

"A pleasant lie, but a lie," Sarek stated in a low voice.

Kirk took a deep breath. Then he decided to go for honesty. "Yes, a
lie."

"You did not attend the official events of the last week because of
me?"

Kirk shook his head. "I was ill. But it...suited." His gaze went
erratically around the room, fixing on another member of the Vulcan
embassy. A blond human...

"It is not him," Sarek answered the unspoken question. "Would you mind
accompanying me to the balcony?"

The night air was fresh and surprisingly cool, and Sarek pulled his
robe closer. Kirk looked around, taking in the view before he turned
and lightly leaned on the balustrade with his back.

Sarek looked around, too, and his gaze came to rest on the Sapphire
Tower, an impressive building at the edge of San Francisco. The blue
color shimmered over the night sky, pollution for some, art for the
others.

"It wasn't him," Sarek repeated. "He left the embassy some weeks after
our meeting. Coincidentally, as far as I know."

"I am sorry to hear that," Kirk replied.

Sarek twitched his lips. "Compassion is unnecessary, Kirk. It was
preferable that way." He looked at the human. "What about you, Kirk?
Did some of your dreams come true?"

"Not the ones I hoped for most," Kirk replied controlled. "But I guess
you've already deduced that."  He closed his hands over his chest,
resting his elbows on the balustrade. Played coolness.

Sarek moved forward and lightly leaned sideways on the balustrade next
to Kirk, an unusual posture for a Vulcan. Kirk fixed his eyes on the
stony floor of the balcony, unwilling to meet the dark eyes that would
read him too well.

"I have seldom understood my son, and I did not understand his last
decision. But his decisions are like mountains, unmovable,
indisputable. They simply are."

"A quality he shares with his father, I think," Kirk said. "What
decision brought you out here with me, Sarek?"

"The decision to offer an option." Sarek turned away, looking over the
balustrade into the distance again. Their shoulders almost touched.

"Your option doesn't feel like much of a choice," Kirk said.

"Nevertheless, it is your decision, Kirk," Sarek replied dryly. "I did
not force you then, I will not force you tonight. But know that this
night would not be about...another." He shifted, and Kirk felt Sarek's
gaze resting on the side of his face. He briefly closed his eyes.

"I have gotten to know you better over the last weeks," Sarek went
ahead. "Still a small glimpse of all that you are. But you...fascinate
me. I found that I missed your presence during the last week. To not
see you at receptions where I had expected you was irritating. To meet
you tonight is...pleasing."

"What about your wife?" Kirk asked, his gaze still resting at the
stone floor.

"I have spoken with her - in principle. She was not...happy...about
the confession. But she is willing to ignore some side steps as long
as discretion is kept."

"I wonder if she'd tell me the same if I asked her."

"Do you have so little faith in me, Kirk? Then I would rather leave
you."

"When does your flight depart?" Kirk asked, ignoring Sarek's words.

"Tomorrow."

Kirk turned his head, meeting the Vulcan's gaze fully. "Comes in handy
for you, doesn't it?" he said roughly. "Again one single night shared
with someone. Maybe it's enough for you, but not for -"

A hand had closed around his neck and pulled him, inescapably, into a
dry kiss. Kirk gasped for air, angry and astonished all in one.
Twisting he freed himself from the Vulcan. "Dammit, Sarek." Their eyes
met, sparring, testing their forces. "Dammit, if we're going to do
this, we're going to do it my way," Kirk said and closed his own hand
around the Vulcan's neck, pulling close again. Their lips met and he
pushed into Sarek's mouth with his tongue, probing deep until the
other tongue met his, entangling it. His brain seemed to black out on
the incredibly erotic contact, while other parts of his body sprang
into life. And when they ended the kiss, they were both breathing
hard.

"My place," Kirk stated.

"Agreed," Sarek replied.


Twenty minutes later they were in Kirk's apartment. The Sapphire Tower
delivered faint illumination, and so they left the light off for the
moment, making their way to the sleeping room through shady blue.
Robes and uniform fell quickly as they explored each other fully this
time, roaming hands and licking tongues and rubbing limbs abandoned in
passion. Sometime in between Kirk switched on the lights - this time
he wanted to see Sarek, not any faint ghost of someone else. A gesture
that was appreciated by the Vulcan. This night was for them.

---

The chirping alert of an arriving message awoke Kirk in the morning.
The bed was empty, but he could hear the faint sound of the shower in
the rear of the apartment. He stood up and went to the kitchen to get
a big cup of coffee before he went to the main window and admired the
sunrise over the beach. The apartment was ridiculously expensive, but
it was worth it.

How did he feel? Somehow fine. Relaxed. Not comparable to the weird
feeling of the last time, or the damped feelings of the last months...
He shook his head. Stupid habit of analyzing too much. A habit he must
have inherited from...Spock. Just say his name, Jim.

He went to the console and opened the message.

"Lunch today, James T.? Miss C."

He grinned. Only Ciani would consider a question for lunch worth a
priority one message at 5:15 in the morning. Seems she never gave up
her hunt...and yes, today he'd say yes. He looked over the beach, his
coffee still untouched in his hand. It was time to say yes again to
life, to move forward. Spock was gone, Bones was gone. And of all the
people in the world, it had to take Sarek to make him remember that
his world didn't rotate around his best friends. Former best friends.
There was more to life than the Enterprise and the last five years.
Keep going, Jim. Time to find new stars.

Sarek stepped into the room, neatly groomed as always. "Good morning,
Kirk."

Kirk turned around. "Good morning, Sarek," he said. "Coffee? Tea?"

"No, thank you," Sarek said and came near, looking out of the window.
"A perfect view."

"Yes," Kirk said. They stood in silence for a while, shoulder to
shoulder.

"When does your ship depart?" Kirk finally asked.

"In three hours," Sarek replied. "I already called a cab."

He looked to his side and met Kirk's gaze. "Kirk..." he began.

Kirk placed his coffee cup onto the nearest table. "Sarek..."

They both turned around and faced each other fully, searching each
other's eyes and finding...acknowledgment, without words. Finally
Sarek reached out with one hand, and Kirk met it with his own. Their
fingers laced together for a moment, pressing tightly, and then
untangled again.

"Live long and prosper, Sarek," Kirk said.

"Live long and prosper, Kirk," Sarek replied. "I expect that our paths
will cross again in the future."

Kirk nodded. "I expect that, too."

The call of the cab driver came in and seconds later Sarek was gone
and the apartment empty.

Kirk shook his head. Time to stop dreaming. He turned to his console.

"Computer: confirm the latest message of Ciani. Priority: One. Text:
Lunch invitation accepted. JTK. Computer: Finish and send message."

Outside, the sky was blue. It would become a good day.

---

The End