by Jessayme Hawke
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Disclaimers: Paramount and that Viacom thing own the characters, but the story is mine. I only claim Lea Yount as my own. Well, she's not really mine but that's between her and me. I'm also not making any profit off this story. It is purely for my own peace of mind and hopefully the enjoyment of others.

Warnings: None really. Love between men. Love between men and women. All I can really warn you about are a few curse words and the mention of sex.

Notes: Written October 30, 1999. Dedicated to my sister, Mindy.

I recently read a discussion string on the PKSP that caught the attention of my muse. The basic was about the over use of Tom fancanon, slash or otherwise, where he's been badly abused, sexually or otherwise, by his father, during prison, etc. Pretty much that Tom's life has been a living hell and we as fan fic writers' try to make it better for him whether it be with Harry or someone else.

Here's my answer to it.

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'The Memoirs of Tom Paris'

Actually, I should title it, 'Setting the Record Straight'.

A lot of speculation has gone on about my life ever since Voyager made it back to the Alpha Quadrant forty-eight years ago. I've read the biographies people have published about me, not to mention the rest of the Voyager Crew.

All of them totally unauthorized.

All of them wrong on so many counts.

The logs, except for the personal ones, were for public view. I know that's where they got a lot of their information.

Okay, a few things were missing and/or mixed up. Most of the public logs were damaged during our trip through the wormhole. I guess they had to make a lot of it up since none of us were talking. None of us wanted to have our personal lives out there for public display.

If B'Elanna hadn't died before reaching the Alpha Quadrant, she'd have blown her stack at some of the things said about her.

And no matter what the biographies say, B'Elanna and I were nothing more than close friends. I think the Pon Farr incident fueled a lot of what people thought of our relationship. It's romantic to think we got together after that, but not true.

Hell, I was the best man at her wedding to Vorik.

I admit to loving her dearly. She was a good friend and the sister I never had. She died protecting Naomi Wildman during an attack on Voyager.

An honorable death for an honorable woman. A damn shame in any case. I still miss her after all these years.

I think they had me paired with just about everyone on Voyager one way or the other. I still laugh when I read about Chakotay and me. He's handsome man and all, but the hostility between us was just that, hostility. It wasn't a mask for our 'true' feelings.

Our relationship slowly progressed over the years to mutual respect then to a friendship that still lasts today. I'll grudgingly admit, I love the man like a brother. I may be saying it for all prosperity here, but I'll deny it to the day I die.

Why? It's just how our friendship works.

And besides, Chakotay only had eyes for Kathryn Janeway.

The way they danced around each other for all those years drove me crazy. Once, all right more than once, I thought of locking them in a turbolift until they finally admitted they loved each other. Luckily they saved me in time from being court-martialed. Happily married for fifty-two years and I know they're trying for fifty-two more.

If anyone can do it, Chakotay and Kathryn can.

Yes, that's my nice way of saying they're both stubborn.

I will always be grateful to Kathryn for taking a chance on me. I was a mess when she took me out of New Zealand. It didn't show, but I was dying on the inside. Being thrown into the Delta Quadrant saved my life.

While I'm on the subject of New Zealand, I'd like to clear up a misconception people seem to have of my time in prison. I wasn't abused, sexually or otherwise, during my stay in New Zealand.

It's kind of hard to get away with anything when their monitoring everything you do. There's no privacy in prison and they never let you forget it.

Not that it stops those who don't give a damn.

One guy did get a bit too friendly when I first got there, but a good knee in the family jewels took care of him. I also had my fair share of fights. A few even landed me in the infirmary.

On a whole, it could have been worse. Not that I didn't consider it a hell on earth at the time. I missed my freedom. I missed flying.

I'd really like say that my ended up in prison wasn't my fault. I can't. I screwed up. Caught on my first time out on a Maquis mission. I still find that an embarrassing fact.

What really got to me the most about it all was my dad.

Gods, the look of disappointment in his eyes at the trial. It still hurts to think of him turning away from me when I walked past him after my sentencing.

I need to clear up a few things about my childhood. Contrary to what others think. I loved my father. No matter what crap we had between us, the love was always there.

I know he could be a hard ass at times, but he wanted me to succeed. Live to my potential. I know much of it had to do with the fact I was carrying the Paris name. I was the next generation. It was my turn to bring honor to the name Paris.

It's a lot for a little boy to live up to when all he wanted to do was fly.

I could never get my father to understand why I love to fly. Why I dreamt of flying ships rather than commanding them.

I always hoped that when Voyager returned we'd clear the air between us, but I never got the chance. He passed away four years before our return to the Alpha Quadrant. Four lousy years.

I just hope he knew that I loved him.

I talked about prison, so I guess I should talk about what put me there in the first place.

Caldik Prime.

You probably thought I was going to say the Maquis.

No. Caldik Prime was the start.

I lied.

I blatantly lied about my actions that killed three good people. No one would have ever known if I'd kept quiet.

I wish I could say that I revealed the truth out of the goodness of my soul, but I can't. I couldn't escape my own conscience. It kept eating away at me until I couldn't stand it anymore.

Why did I lie in the first place?

I was afraid.

Afraid to admit my carelessness killed three good people. Afraid that I would be thrown out of Starfleet. Afraid to see the disappointment in my father's eyes.

Fear is a powerful emotion.

We all know what happened in the end. I was dishonorably discharged. A nicer way of saying I was thrown out on my ass.

I began drinking and I'm not proud to say I got to the point where I'd do 'anything' for a drink. I prefer not to go into just what right now. If ever.

Poor Sandrine tried to straighten me out, but had no luck. Another misconception is that Sandrine and I were lovers. The older woman and her younger lover.

Totally wrong.

Sandrine was a compassionate and sweet woman who, for some reason, liked me. I'd known since I was nineteen and she considered me a son. I played pool and poured out my troubles to her. Sandrine would listen and give advice. I didn't treat Sandrine too well when she tried to help me after Caldik Prime. I was a major bastard.

I went to see Sandrine not long after returning to the Alpha Quadrant. I wanted to ask her forgiveness for the way I treated her. Soon as I walked through the door, Sandrine gave me a hug and treated me like I had never left. I knew then all was right between us. She passed away six years ago, tending her bar to the end.

You're probably wondering how I ended up with the Maquis. I owed too much to the wrong people and I needed the money. I couldn't find work anywhere else. Employers, the legitimate ones, tend to shy away from people with records.

The only thing that kept Chakotay from killing me then we first met was that he needed a pilot and he knew I was the best. I could have cared less for the Maquis cause and I made sure he knew it. I think what galled him the most was that I was doing it for the money.

One mission ending my not so illustrious career in the Maquis. Followed by the trial, prison and finally redemption.

I wish I could say I was meet with open arms on Voyager, but I can't. The outright hostile glares, whispers of murderer and traitor. I really couldn't blame them. The only one that took the effort to know me was Harry.

Who would have thought rescuing a green ensign from a Ferengi would earn me a friend for life?

Certainly not me. Not that our friendship hasn't had its ups and downs. We've shared the good and the bad through the years.

I don't know when I started to fall in love with him.

I know the romantics like to think it was the first time on DS9, but it wasn't. It was a gradual thing. At least for me. One day I just realized it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm in love with my best friend.

I kept it to myself for a long time.

I almost lost him to Seven, but luckily it didn't last. Tuvok came between them and I mean literally. Tuvok went through his Pon Farr and Seven was the 'logical' choice for him to mate with and she agreed. To this day, they're still bonded.

Many wonder why Tuvok and Seven stayed bonded after returning to the Alpha Quadrant. Most think that a Vulcan and an ex-Borg, especially one who is part human, would have nothing in common. Yet they do. A mutual respect and love for each other. Yes, I said love. Neither would admit to the emotion, but it's there and very strong between them.

Harry wasn't too heart broken about losing Seven, but it still hurt him. He's had more bad luck with relationships than I ever had and, believe me, that's saying something.

The last person I was in love with before Harry was Kes. Let me clarify that. I thought I was in love with Kes. It was more infatuation than anything. How could I not? She was so full of life, sweet, beautiful.

And thoroughly in love with Neelix at the time.

Kes and Neelix.

An odd couple in many people's eyes, including my own.

At first I couldn't see what the petite Ocampan saw in Neelix, but over time I did. He had a kind heart and would give you the shirt, loud as it was, of his the back. I don't think anyone really knew just how much Neelix kept the crew going all those years in the Delta Quadrant. He was our cook, morale officer, ambassador, and much more over the years. He was also my friend and I miss him.

Neelix made it to the Alpha Quadrant with Voyager. One look at Earth and he fell in love with it, though he didn't spend much time on it. He received a commission in Starfleet and stayed with Voyager until his death nine years later. We scattered his ashes, letting the wind take him back to Kes.

Kes, sweet Kes.

Next to Harry, she was the one that always had faith in me. Looked beyond what I was showing everyone else. I wish I'd had the chance to say goodbye to her. I know she's not dead, but her leaving had the same effect. I've often wondered if she's not out there somewhere watching us.

I know the Doc, the EMH to you, feels that way. He and Kes had a close relationship. She never treated like he was less because he was a program. She saw the humanity in him and encouraged it.

Next to the rest of the crew, barring Neelix and Seven, the Doc was the most sought after for his story. A sentient Hologram is rare, even for today. We were all worried that Starfleet would take his program apart with no regard for his 'feelings', but they didn't. He was considered an honored member of the returning crew.

I would have thought for sure the Doc would have been the one spouting off the crew's exploits to everyone, but he didn't. He would never violate our trust in him. I sometimes think the Doc was more human than any of us.

Not that he isn't annoying as hell. The verbal barbs we shared at times. . .

I swear I was a breath away from erasing his program when he gave me the speech about safe anal sex when Harry and I got together.

The Doc was lucky that Harry was there to keep me from doing it and I'm not just talking about our time in the Delta Quadrant. He's annoying in any quadrant. I don't think the Doc knew how many times Harry kept me from erasing his program over the years.

Harry, my voice of reason. The man I loved more than anything and my husband for fifty-four years.

I've read a lot of biographies that had me as the great seducer of the sweet, innocent ensign. I laughed through them all. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.

The great Lothario of Voyager was seduced by that sweet, not so innocent, ensign. Harry instigated our first kiss, a sweet gentle one that I still remember.

I didn't stand a chance.

Not that I fought to hard. I did have my misgivings about us being together. Considering my reputation, which is not all unfounded, I was afraid people would think I was just using Harry. It wasn't far off the mark.

When the crew found out that we were lovers, I swear I got so many lectures, a more polite term for threats, that if I ever hurt him that I wouldn't be safe anywhere. Which is saying a lot since there weren't too many places I could hide on Voyager.

The threats eventually eased off after a few months, though a few diehards were still sure I'd hurt Harry. We stunned them all by announcing our engagement a year after we became a couple.

And no, Harry didn't propose first. I did. Well, technically I did.

I proposed on the holodeck. Sandrine's of course.

I was scared spitless that he'd say no. I know we'd been together a year, and he loved me, but I can be a very insecure person.

We'd just finished dinner and I was ready to propose. We both started to say something at the same time. We shared a chuckle and he told me to go first. I brought out the small velvet box I had the ring in, opened it and held the box out to him.

Harry began laughing.

It wasn't the response I was expecting and I was hurt. He stopped laughing and apologized, then brought out a small box of his own. He opened it and I saw the gold ring inside.

Harry had planned on proposing too. I finally saw the humor in it and we laughed. I won't go into the details of what happened after, but let's just say we both said yes and leave it at that.

We were married the following month.

B'Elanna was our best man and gave us a bachelor party I will never forget. I'm still trying to figure out what she put in that last drink.

Chakotay gave both of us away. I think he got some perverse please in finally being able to give me away to someone.

Kathryn performed the ceremony and I swear there were tears in her eyes, but she denies it.

Neelix created a fantastic reception buffet, and to our relief, leola root free.

Tuvok caught the bouquet Harry threw. Okay it hit him but that counts. Yes, I did say bouquet. Kathryn said it wasn't truly a wedding if a bouquet wasn't thrown.

Seven immediately proclaimed that since Tuvok was already bonded, that it wasn't valid. Tuvok agreed wholeheartedly. He' so henpecked. I threw it this time and Naomi Wildman caught it. The smile on her face didn't go away through the entire reception.

Not much to set straight after our marriage. The logs may have been damaged during that period, but they're still accurate enough.

I do know there is something Harry would like to set straight if he was here. The belief that he was the one that found the wormhole.

Not true.

A wonderful woman by the name of Lea Yount, then a lieutenant, found the wormhole. If Lea's keen eye hadn't caught it, Voyager would still be stuck back in the Delta Quadrant.

I think most people assumed it was Harry because he was on the bridge when we came through to the Alpha Quadrant. Harry always denied that he was, but people will believe what they want to.

From everything I've read about our adventures on Voyager, you'd swear the senior officers lived on the bridge. I can attest to the fact we did not.

Unless we were having sex in front of the bridge crew all those years and I hadn't realized it. Now that conjures up some images.

Yes, I do still think about it.

I'm old, not dead.

The crew had been worried about what we'd find on the other side of the wormhole. We'd been able to communicate with Starfleet once through an alien rely we found, but since then nothing. The last thing we'd heard was that we were at war with the Dominion and Cardassia. For all we knew the Federation and Starfleet were gone. We were relieved when we received a hail by the USS Hood.

Of course, they immediately put us into custody until they could confirm our identity. The moment we were cleared, the Voyager crew was welcomed home as heroes.

The valiant Voyager crew, one reporter said. I remember Kathryn rolling her eyes at that one.

The crew on a whole had been thrilled when the former Maquis aboard were given pardons. A decree that had been in effect for several years. We'd feared that they'd be taken to prison. I lucked out that it included me in that pardon. Legally they could have taken me back to serve out my sentence.

I think Kathryn had something to do with it. She still denies it of course. Stubborn woman. Yet another thing I'm grateful to Kathryn for.

If she hadn't been stubborn and fought to keep Voyager as her ship, they'd have scrapped the old lady. Voyager may have seen better days, but she was still a good ship.

Kathryn won in the end.

No real surprise there.

At that moment, Kathryn could have gotten the whole planet of Risa if she wanted to with no problem. She was the captain that brought Voyager home.

Voyager was refitted and the engineers are still cursing B'Elanna's creative engineering. I don't think even Carey knew half of what B'Elanna did to keep the old lady in one piece.

Harry and I returned to Voyager. How could we not? She was our home. The crew our family.

Yet, the entire crew didn't stay with Voyager. The majority of those who didn't return resigned their commissions or transferred to other ships. All the senior officers stayed with the ship, including Carey as Chief Engineer.

I lived at Voyager's helm for twenty-one more years before I finally had to give her up. Arthritis. I don't know who was hurting more that day, Harry or I. He knew how much I loved to fly. I decided to retire and Harry went with me, though we didn't entirely escape Starfleet.

In between enjoying our retirement, we worked with Starfleet R&D. Instead of flying ships, I was helping design them with Harry. It helped keep us both from going stir crazy.

Another thing that helped was being great uncles to Naomi's, now Lieutenant Naomi Sullivan, children. We babysat and took them places. I loved to watch Harry with Gene and Katie.

The only regret I have is Harry and I never had children. He did once suggest that he could carry a child for us, but I wasn't comfortable with it. We never talked about it again.

I think that's everything I wanted to set straight.

Your probably wondering why I'm finally setting things straight? Now, after all this time.

Simply.

I'm dying.

No. Not of an incurable disease.

Unless you consider a broken heart a disease. I know most people wouldn't believe that a heart could break, but mine did.

It broke the day Harry died.

I remember it so clearly.

Harry had been ill for a while, but refused treatment. He didn't want to be kept alive by machines. Despite how age and illness had slowly taken the life from his body, Harry's dark eyes were still so full of life. I laid there with him in bed, holding him close. His last words were I love you, Tom, then he closed his eyes and my Harry was gone.

A year ago today.

Every day since I've slowly followed him. I could live for years more, but I don't want too. I miss him.


I want to be with him.


I love you Harry.



I'm sorry it took me so long.

---

Naomi crept into her Uncle Tom's bedroom. She became worried when he hadn't answered the vid earlier.

The moment she saw him, Naomi knew that the man she considered an uncle was gone. She wiped the tears away as she sat on the edge of the bed.

The expression on his face was peaceful, happy. The picture of Uncle Harry he cherished sat in the crook of his arm. She should have been sad, but she wasn't. He'd finally gone to be with the one he loved.

Naomi caressed his cheek.

"I love you, Uncle Tom. I know your happier being with Uncle Harry."

She smiled and looked at the picture of Uncle Harry. That's when she noticed the padd laying near his hand. Curious, she picked it up.

Naomi read the flashing message.


"File Deleted"

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End