by Harvest
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This was originally written for the P/K Slash Party list.

When I read about the idea you all had about the characters seeking revenge I thought you meant the writers on the show. Even after I read the stories, I still couldn1t get my first thought out of my mind. This was mostly written in the shower and basically wrote itself. If it's not funny, blame the characters, ok? But you can send comments to me. Apologies to fans of P/T. I just can't see it.

Many thanks to Anne, Joanne and Shataya and the rest of the lovely P/K'ers.

Disclaimer: Absolutely no resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, is intended here. It1s all my fantasy. Really. Well, ok, Robert Tapert and Sam Raimi are real people, but I was nice to them, so they shouldn't complain. Startrek, Voyager and all the characters therein belong to Paramount, blah, blah, blah. As for that archiving thing, if anyone wanted to that would be fine. I would like to know about it.

There is no sex in this, although same sex pairings are referred to. Quite frequently.

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"I'm sorry, they just burst in," the receptionist said. She was in tears. "That one" she said pointing to B'Elanna, "tried to put a part in my hair!" She re-disarranged her perfectly textured hair.

"It's all right, Tree," the man soothed, "you can leave now." He leered at her spandex behind as she left, still whimpering bout weird foreheads and plastic surgery.

"My god, " the woman said, "what the hell are you all doing here? How did you get out?" she turned to the man. "I thought they were contained. They're supposed to be contained at all times-you know that!"

"Enough of that crap!" yelled the First Officer. "You're going to listen to us."

The man was annoyed. "Now calm down. You know you're not allowed to raise your voice. You're supposed to be stoic. You're an Indian for chrissakes. Or Native American. Or whatever the hell I'm supposed to call you. Anyway you don't get to have emotions. Only a medicine bag."

"Oh shit, you asshole, I'm Latino, didn't you notice? Did you know there were people in Mexico before Cortes got there?"

B'Elanna pushed in front of him. "That's not all! We've been in that frigging ship for three years and none of us has gotten laid!" General angry rumblings followed this. TPTB started backing up from their desks and eyeing the security buttons. "Target audience, target audience," they kept chanting.

"Forget those little boys," sneered B'Elanna. "They don't have any money to spend and they're all watching Hercules anyway. Why don't you try writing some real characters for a change. When was the last time one of you went three years without any sex? Huh? How would you like it?"

"Well, actually," mumbled the woman, "I've haven't had too many dates lately. Men in this town are real jerks."

"Women can be fun," purred Seven as she draped herself across the woman's desk. The lady cleared her throat. "Maybe we shouldn't have made that uniform quite so tight," she said, eyeing Seven's breasts.

"I don't think they do have sex, " muttered Tom. "Otherwise they might have noticed the total lack of chemistry between B'Elanna and me."

"Oh, yeah?" Harry said belligerently. "At least you're not some kind of eunuch. I barely have a personality, let alone a sex life. And you know there're actually quite a few people out there who think I'm extremely attractive."

"Hey, do you think I1m doing any better?" said Chakotay. "God knows they let me sniff around Kathryn, but do I ever get any? Okay, I did make it with that chick that turned me into a pseudo-Borg, but when it was through I had just been used. And Seska?"

"Come on", said the man, "you've had more relationships than anyone else."

"Right, and I always end up being duped and looking like a moron."

"Mmm, we think he's really yummy." Tom and Harry draped themselves over Chakotay. "We've all been involved, you know. In various combinations. There're some places where we're having a really good time," Tom said. "Well, ok, sometimes we have to suffer a bit, too, but at least we're doing something."

"What are you talking about?" said the man irritably. "You know perfectly well two members of the same sex will never share a cabin on this show. What universe are you in?"

"What a dickhead," sighed Harry. "Haven't you guys ever heard of the Internet?"

"Only on the microsoft network," the woman intoned. "Everything has to be on msn." She kept repeating it until the man kicked her leg.

"And what are you doing here?" the man asked Kathryn "call me captain" Janeway. "We made you the first woman captain of a starship! You're hot."

"I'm here to support my officers," she responded crisply. "I admit I do actually have character. However time is marching on in the Delta Quadrant and we're not getting home. I'm getting quite bored with the UST between me and Chakotay. Resolve it soon, or I'm just going to have an affair with B'Elanna and really screw your ratings. Don't think I won't do it."

"I want Harry," Tom burst out. "I love him. He's really cute and you're the ones who put us together in the first place. 'Nobody chooses my friends for me' and all that Chute stuff. What did you think was going to happen?"

"And another thing. Why do we have to wear those dumb uniforms all the time? They itch. Haven't you people ever heard of cotton?" Harry asked while scratching his ass." And what's with those shoulder pads? Haven't you ever seen a copy of GQ? Plus no one can see our butts. I have a great butt."

"We have to wear them, too," grumbled B'Elanna.

"Yeah, but you get to wear catsuits, and even Ms. Warrior Woman Janeway got to wear a tank top in Year of Hell. Who knew she was built like that? Caught my eye, even with the ship getting holes blown in it, " Harry replied.

Tom patted B'Elanna, who was snarling by now. "Calm down, sweetie. If you get too Klingon they'll write you out. Don't want to scare the thirteen year old boys."

"Be reasonable," wheedled the woman. "Year of Hell" was kind of exciting, wasn't it? And we let everyone see the hair on your chest, Tom, don't forget that."

"You made me look stupid again," said Chakotay firmly. "Why make me the First Officer and then make me stupid? I'm really tired of it."

"We're all tired of it," sighed Tom. "And we're here to say we won't stand for being treated this way."

Harry suddenly leaned over the man's desk and looked him in the face. "We can always go see Sam Raimi and Robert Tapert, you know," he threatened darkly.

"I don't want to go back to New Zealand," Tom whined. Harry kissed his cheek reassuringly. "It's a different New Zealand, honey, don't worry."

The woman had blanched at the mention of the other men. "We neversay those names in here. My God, they have a lesbian working for them." She straightened her shoulders. "Such a thing would never happen here. Ok, maybe it would, but we'd have the good taste not to talk about it."

"Right", said B'Elanna. "We can imagine. Just start getting some creativity around here or we'll find someone else who wants us."

"We have potential, we can be interesting," said Tom. "Just remember, you were warned."

"Come on guys, back to the ship, " ordered Chakotay.

"Can't we just stop at Disneyland?" coaxed B'Elanna.

"Not unless they do one of those timeline stories," Chakotay replied sourly.

"Hmm, maybe one of those slash people would let us go there." Harry put his arm around Tom as they all vanished.

"Fuck," the man said, "where's the fucking Valium."

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End