The PKSP Archive - Ruined in A Day
by envoy (envoy@mjc1.demon.co.uk)

---

Disclaimer: It's the StarTrek universe! It isn't mine!
I'm just borrowing it! Etc.!

I strongly advise that mea culpa- at least- be read
before reading this installment (or it won't make any
sense, you see!)

---

You always assume that dying is the loneliest thing
of all, and that nothing compares to the chill of
*knowing* death is near. But being *here* is the
loneliest thing of all and knowing death is close makes
it easier to bear.

You would think that having this drug working
through my blood would change things- and it will- but at
this moment only one thing has changed; the relief of
making a decision, for certainty is always preferable to
uncertainty. Was always better. Even now, as before, life
continues; flaunting how little it cares for me. No one
will miss me. No one.

               No        One.

And those who would already have.

We are all dead; dying because of the distance
between us and what matters. Or maybe I am trying to
justify my actions; maybe I am the only one who is dying.

Maybe I have never been alive.

I have never lived *my* life; I have lived the life
others have projected onto me. What is most disturbing is
that I have done so willingly, scared, perhaps, that
without this I would have nothing. And I have proved my
self right.

But *I* have done this.

*I* have.

And I do matter.

To

        someone. Or I

                  did.




     My Father                would    say that
suicide was the
          grossest


form      of             attention
                                        seeking.

And even though

          I have              done this

                    I wish              some one
               would


stop me.

Please.




"B'Elanna...,"
"Yes?"
"Have you seen Harry?"
"Not recently. I think it's best for him to be on
his own for a while, sort out whatever is wrong with
him,".

"He hasn't spoken to you then?"

"No, but I've suspected something has been bothering
him I.... I just didn't want to intrude,".

"And I didn't know..... Damn. What kind of a friend
am I if I don't notice something is up until it is too
late?"

"Don't worry, Tom. These things have a way of
sorting themselves out,".




     It feels strange.
     Leaving feels strange.
     But I must go- I cannot be so weak as to not do it;
I cannot be so useless as to not go through with it.
          Useless        Weak           Fool
                         Useless.
     I         remember that            in some  cultures
it  is   accepted practise- or     that  it was
accepted- for  someone    to      kill himself    if  he
is past  use. And I am  past   use- how can   I  be  of
use        when
I am                suspended  from   duty?
Justadrainonprovisions.
     Honourable.
     Dutiful.
             I'm         Sorry.



Tom? I  should  not                          be here.
             Stop me.

             Libby?

             please.   before  it  is  too




"Tuvok,".

"Captain?"

"Is something bothering you?"

Pause.

"I request permission to leave the Bridge,".


"Why am I playing this *stupid* game with you, Paris?"

"Because you secretly want me and this is the only way..."

"The only way *what*?"

"... you can show me how you feel,".



               Emotion.
               If  I  had been
               more   open
               perhaps     I
               could have     avoided
               this.
               Perhaps  I still  could.
                         A memory flash.
                    I thought Libby's hair was lighter.


               Please.



"Emergency transport to sickbay,".

               I expected  everything
               to be          dark
               but  it  is  so    clear
                         Now.

"How does it feel to lose, Paris?"

               How do    you    feel?
               About this?

"Pressure continues to fall. Was the hydrospray empty?"

               I  want    this
                                   release

     "How does it feel to lose?"

               Good.




"Will he be alright, Doctor?"

---

The End