The PKSP Archive - Rising son
by envoy

---

Disclaimer: I can't claim any connection to Star Trek or Paramount, so
if you recognise it from Star Trek:Voyager it is not mine! If, on the
other hand, it seems bizarre and arcane it stems from my tortured
mind. Probably.

---

                    Slowly.
                    Slowly.
                    Careful now.

Slowly I open blinkered eyes; everything is so bright- too bright. And
too sudden; too easy. This re- entrance is too easy for me to believe
it is real- perhaps it is nothing more than regret. Always easier to
confront the bitter known than whatever remains beside it.

"Mr. Kim, nice of you to rejoin us,".

I try to speak and fail.

"Don't worry, Ensign, that will pass soon enough. I'll inform the
Captain that you have regained consciousness,".

Don't worry? I would laugh if I was capable; if it was appropriate.

Don't worry.

What else do I have to do? What else can I do? The one time I make a
decision- my decision- and I can't stick to it. What can you say about
a person who cannot even succeed at killing himself? The word pathetic
springs to mind. Christ. I can't even do that right. And now I'm
trapped in isolation with a crew who to a man know about my
spectacular failure. But it was my decision. What will they make of
that? Hate me? Sympathise with poor, misunderstood harry? Or just
ignore me? Just ignore me. I think that would make it easier; if
things returned to normal it would make it easier, at least until I'm
better able to deal with my choice. Yes, it would help if things were
as normal until I am more myself. Whatever normal is and whoever I am.

Things can't be the same; can't be normal; can't ever be that way- the
way it was. I know that, but I need to pretend, for some reason, that
they could be.

"Harry,".

A familiar, concerned voice.

I turn my head to look and face softened steel eyes: the Captain. Her
concern confuses me; I did not expect this from her. And I know she
expected more of me.

"We've all been worried. We didn't- we weren't sure if... Tom
especially has been distracted- I've had to reprimand him several
times. Nothing new there, I know, but... Well. We're glad to have you
back and we- I- look forward to having you on the Bridge again.
Harry..,".

Why does she look at me like that? So strangely; so unsure and afraid.
Almost as though a word would be enough to damage me. Well, it would
be wouldn't it? Or it was enough.

None of that matters now.

"...just take your time,".

I turn away and close my eyes: if I close them for long enough she
won't be here; I won't be here; I won't be this. And I will not be
here.

---

Maybe he's changed; maybe he has not. I can't tell and I don't care.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry- that I had no idea, if I had I
would never have...,".

"Don't. Tom. Don't bother,".

Maybe he hasn't changed- still I-I-I; I wish, I want, I never. You
did. You didn't mean to, but that cannot change things. You cannot
change things. Or you. Some part of me wishes you could, but I cannot
listen to him after all that has passed. I can only listen to myself;
for a while at least.

"I need to tell you something,".

Urgency; apprehensive urgency in his voice; overriding necessity in
his tone. He always had something to say and I had always been there
to listen. Harry Kim had been there to listen, not me. Things had
changed though. Maybe I would be there to listen some day, but not
now.

I placed a hand over his.

"It can wait,".

It would have to wait.

---

The End