The PKSP Archive - Regret
by envoy

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Disclaimer: StarTrek and the characters therein? Not
mine. 'Nuff said.

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     Can I be conscious of my unconsciousness?
     I can feel an unnatural darkness over my sense; a
sense of isolation, but awareness that there is
*something* outside its oppression.
     I am conscious that something is not right.


     It was always me; it was always my fault.

     Not to begin with, but then I started to see
something honourable in my silence; something I should
perpetuate, but always hoping that someone would question
it. Then it became too late- it was too ingrained for
anyone to think it was unusual; it was what I *was*- what
I had always been- and who would question that?
     Why does clarity only come in retrospect?




                                                  Tom too
is trapped in a perpetuation; a stereotype which everyone
applies to him and which he, in many ways, plays to. And
so it is applied all the more. And so it applies all the
more.
     The strangest thing is his applies because he does
not conform and mine because I do.
                    Too funny.
     I think I can hear music.
                                   Somewhere.



               "Play, Harry,".
               "But I don't want to,".
               "I want you to,".
               "Do I have to?"
               "You play so well....,"
               The music starts,
                              flowing tentatively from
the instrument- afraid to
                    disappoint,
                         but gaining in strength as she
closes her eyes to revel in it with     approval.


               "Perfect,".

     There is nothing honourable in being what you are
not. I'm sure                 everyone  has     something
which they keep secret, but it should not be necessary to
lie to keep it so. But once you start it is so difficult
to stop, so difficult to change how people
perceive you.       Some people hated me- hated what they
perceived me to be.
     Maybe they knew it was a lie.


               "Why doesn't he love me?"
               "Oh, Harry, of course he loves you, it's
just...".
               "What, Mom?"
               "Have you practised to day?"
               "No. What-".
               "Tsk. You know what I expect from you,".


     Avoiding  the  issue- trying to be it- only makes it
grate more. As I know. I know it is too late to do
anything about it, but this is the only way it could be.
Or is it?
     If I had been stronger; if I had been more honest;
if I had been more at ease; but if I had been all this I
would not have been Harry Kim and I am Harry Kim.
Whatever that means, I am he. Or was. Or am.


               What have I done?



               "I got nineteen out of twenty, Father,".
               "And you are happy with that?"
               Silence.
               "I expect more of you, Harry,".

     How can you give more if you have already given your
best? I tried to shut out the remarks, but I could never
succeed- he was my Father; his comments would always cut,
would always undermine me. But why? For succeeding where
he had not? But he wanted me to. Or did he? If I had
failed would he have  acted   the  same? Better- because
he had achieved more- or worse, because even though he
had given me so much I still failed?




     Joining Star Fleet was not merely a matter of
aspiration- it got me away from them.


     "Play, Harry,"      "And you are happy with that?"
     "No,".              "Yes, *I* am,".


               Clarity always comes too late.
               How can I undo what I have done?
               I cannot.
                                   Too late.

                                   what have I done?

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The End