The PKSP Archive - Two Days from Knowing
by envoy

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Disclaimer: Not mine!

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So.
               Two days.
               Two days of waiting and wondering.

               I'm wondering if he will rationalise it to
himself, convince himself that it was only curiosity;
that it was only because I was there; that it was only
because we had been friends for so long. That it was only
that. That it will only ever be that.

               Some people drag out the cliche: better to
have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I
don't agree. That is the kind of thins that can only be
said in retrospect, after years of dullness and raging
inescapable; after years have past and you turn back and
look and recognise a tiny spark far off. That is when you
can say it. Maybe that it when I will be able to say it.
But I know that if he says no- no, he can't do that, he
can't be that, he can't feel that way about me- I will
hate him with that inescapable rage.
               That doesn't sound like me, does it? But
you don't know how I sound under these conditions.
               It's come down to the line you see.
               Before, when he turned his back to me,
when he walked without responding, I could pretend he was
shocked; that he needed time to think on it. And in that
time I could supply a myriad responses. Now he has turned
to face me and agreed to respond; agreed to give me an
answer. And I feel trapped by the knowledge that there
are two possibilities; and despite my desire for one, the
hideous image of the other taunts me toward it. Toward
facing reality. And so it's come down to the line, a
precarious. leadtipped line which cannot be altered.
               Yes, I said to him it was alright if he
did not feel the same, but there is a difference between
my not wanting to know and he saying no.
               And while I don't know        anything
is        believable.


               Knowing and no.
               Reminds me of a different man in another time.


               Perhaps it's not fair to hate him if he
says no; the feelings of one person cannot compare to the
responses of a crew, of his parents. Not that the last
one should matter; whatever their response would be,
whatever he feels about them now, it is doubtful he will
ever face them. So. That leaves the crew. And him. But if
he no longer cares about the crews' opinions it just
leaves him. And me.
               If he says no the crew is involved- with
questions and glances and sighs.

               If he says yes the crew is involved- with
gasps and glances and silences. And he's used to that.


               So.
               Two days.
               Two days of waiting and wondering.
               Two days of contracting and expanding time
               Two days.

               Two days until I know.



               Let it be a yes.

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The End