by Elizabeth Dunn
---
Disclaimer: Ship and characters belong to Paramount. Song belongs to
Celine Dion, I guess. The idea to combine said characters and said song is
mine alone.
Author's notes: This comes to you direct from me to the computer.
I've tried my best to catch any and all errors, but if a few slip
through the cracks, please don't hurt me. This is based off the song
"If You Asked me To" by Celine Dion.
---
Tom Paris was doing something he didn't always do: sitting in his
quarters, alone. He was always a social man, and he preferred company to
solitude any time, but, for some reason, that night he only wanted to be
alone.
He was thinking. About life in general, more specifically, his love life.
It had been a few months since he and B'Elanna had broken up. Four, to
be exact, the ending of a relationship that he had thought meant
everything to him. . . until his discovery. That's why it ended. Tom
realized that he didn't love B'Elanna. For all that he trusted her
with the ship, even his life, he had realized that he didn't trust her
with his heart. It was that realization that started the decline, that
hurt B'Elanna so much that she decided to end it rather than live a
lie and hope he could love her one day.
The end of that relationship had left a void in Tom--not in his heart,
since she had never really touched him there. No, the void was mostly in
his mind, the sense of companionship lost. Nobody had touched his heart
since it had been so cruelly broken as a young man. Tom had built walls
around himself that he had felt were impenetrable-- until a few weeks ago.
---
Used to be that I believed in something. . .
Used to be that I believed in love. . .
It's been a long time since I had that feeling.
I could love someone.
I could trust someone.
I said I'd never let nobody near my heart again, darlin'.
I said I'd never let nobody in.
---
Three weeks, that's all it took to force Tom to reevaluate his ideas
about love and the impossibility of feeling it again. Three weeks since he
started to look at Harry Kim, his best friend, in a different way.
They had been walking together to the mess hall to grab some lunch when
the ship hit a freak gravitational wave. A conduit in the wall blew out,
knocking him and Harry across the hall onto the deck. Tom was about to
make some crack about not being a landing pad, until he looked into
Harry's face, saw his eyes frozen open, yet not seeing anything. The
panic Tom had felt was like nothing he had ever felt before. He
frantically started CPR, calling for medical assistance at the same time.
Tom had never known such relief as when Harry started breathing, when Tom
felt his pulse alive and beating under his fingers. It was then, balanced
on the edge of life and death, it occurred to Tom that something had
touched his heart in a way that he never thought it would again. The mere
thought of life without Harry there with him sent him into a panic that
was almost as bad as when he first saw Harry's lifeless eyes.
Tom had managed to get back to his quarters before he allowed the panic to
overcome him. He had never realized how close he had let Harry get to
him...and how much he cherished that closeness. It was then, kneeling on
the floor of his quarters when his legs gave out, that Tom discovered that
Harry was his light, his reason for being...his home. Life without Harry
was worthless. It was then that Tom Paris realized that he loved Harry Kim.
---
Somehow ever since I've been around you
Can't go back to being on my own.
Can't help feeling, darling, since I've found you
That I've found my home.
That I'm finally home.
I said I'd never let nobody get to close to me, darling.
I said I needed, needed to be free.
---
Since that fateful moment, Tom had alternated between trying to spend as
much time as possible near Harry and avoiding him completely. He could
tell Harry was puzzled by Tom's mercurial moods, but he was willing to
let Tom work it out on his own.
Tonight was one of those nights where Tom couldn't bear to be near
Harry, afraid that if he stood too close, that his love was going to be
displayed for all to see, and the thought of that frightened him,
especially considering that he had no idea how Harry felt about him. It
was that uncertainty that kept Tom from telling Harry about his feelings.
Tom was all for taking chances, but not when his heart was the stakes. He
wasn't sure if he could take that kind of hurt a second time. All he
wanted, but was paradoxically so afraid of, was a sign from Harry, one
that said that he loved Tom as much as Tom loved him.
---
But if you asked me to
I just might change my mind
And let you in my life forever.
If you asked me to
I just might give my heart
And stay here in your arms forever.
If you asked me to. . .
If you asked me to. . .
---
There was nothing he wanted more in the universe than Harry's love. It
was the achieving of it that caused Tom so much worry. And so he sat,
curled up on his sofa, trying to figure out the riddles of love and the
heart. In the middle of his musings, the door chime ran.
"Come," called Tom, quickly changing his expression from one of
pensive thoughtfulness to one of his normal quirky looks.
Harry came in, a mixture of concern and some emotion Tom couldn't
place on his face. "Tom? Are you all right?"
"Yeah, Harry, I'm fine."
Harry caught the lie in Tom's eyes, but decided not to comment on it.
"I need to talk to you, tell you something."
Tom's breath caught. If only he would say what he wanted to hear. . .
---
Ask me to, I will give my world to you, baby.
I need you now.
Ask me to and I'll do anything for you, baby, for you, baby.
---
"You might hate me for saying this, but I can't hold it in
anymore."
"I'd never hate you, Harry." Could it be possible. . .?
"I'm in love with you, Tom. I've felt this way for awhile,
and I'm sorry if I've hurt, or shocked, or disgusted you, but I
just had to tell you. Even if it means losing you forever. I can't
live a lie."
Tom stood and took Harry into his arms. "Oh, Har," he said, a
combination of a laugh and a sob. "Harry, I love you too. I just
didn't know how to tell you." He clung to Harry, the urge to cry
winning out. Harry held on to him, crying as well.
"Oh, Tom, if you'd only told me."
---
If you asked me to. . .
---
"Harry, I wish I had. Then we could've been together longer, and
not wasted any more time."
---
If you asked me to. . .
---
"I just didn't know how you'd react. I love you, Harry. I
guess maybe I needed to hear you say it first."
Harry smiled. "So insecure."
Tom sighed. "You have no idea." He pulled Harry closer.
"Stay with me?" he asked timidly.
Harry smiled gently and held Tom closer. "Always," he promised
in a whisper.
---
If you asked me to. . .
---
End
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