by Bruce
---
NRQ W (No redeeming qualities, whatsoever) PG (This album contains song
lyrics that may be offensive to the intelligent. Parents are strongly
cautioned.) Pairing: P/K+J, Tor, C, Tu, N, Dr, the Professor, Mary Ann. . .
Warning: This story puts our heroes in embarrassing, ridiculous
situations. Read no further if that offends you.
Spoilers: Brief references to "Tsunkatse."
Archive: Permission is happily granted to Paris/Kim Slash Fic and PKElite
to archive this story. Other friendly folks may save a copy for their
individual enjoyment. Please do not archive elsewhere, nor repost without
permission from the author. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Paris & Kim and all things Star Trek belong to Paramount,
I don't make money on this stuff, and it's not meant as an
infringement on Viacom's copyrights.
Author's note: This just came to me today. I'm so ashamed.
Feedback: Constructive criticism and comments are both welcome.
---
U.S.S. Voyager's emergency medical hologram stomped up to the small
stage in the mess hall. His emergency medical holographic face was red and
his eyes looked fierce.
"No, no, no! Mr. Neelix, you're doing the splits two beats too
early. Don't anticipate, or you'll draw all the attention away
from Lieutenant Paris," he shouted.
"Yeah, Neelix," kidded Tom, with his standard smirk.
"Remember, I'm the lead singer. Just follow what I do."
Neelix frowned and mumbled something under his breath. Tom couldn't
hear it, but obviously Harry did, judging by the way he tried to stifle a
laugh. Neelix went back to his position at the electronic drum set.
The doctor focused his attention on Commander Chakotay next.
"Commander, don't forget that you have to pick the bass as you
sing. That's the only way to carry off the lip synching
illusion."
"I won't forget," replied Chakotay, with a chuckle.
"But I've got to memorize the words first."
Chakotay's laugh annoyed the doctor even more. "You'll find
that you will memorize words more easily if you get the movements right at
the same time. Besides, we'll project the words with a bouncing
indicator over the heads of the audience. And please, don't smile.
You're responsible for 20% of the fan base. Remember, you're the
dark, mysterious ethnic member."
"Ethnic?" Harry chortled from his position on stage left.
"Why does he get to be the ethnic band member? What about
me?"
"Mr. Kim," the doctor soothed, "you're the cute and
cuddly one - the one that 45% of the female and male fans want to take
home to meet mother. Besides, you don't have a tattoo."
Harry wiggled his eyebrows at Tom. "I could get one. Where should it
go?"
At that moment, Captain Janeway strode into the mess hall, a look of
triumph on her face. "I've done it! I've booked you a concert
for tomorrow on Dagobah. It will be transmitted to seven other systems!
We'll make more money than Seven could if she wrestled for a
year!"
The doctor, too wrapped up in the moment, turned to the captain.
"Please, you're interrupting my rehearsal!"
While the doctor and the captain argued about who was running the show,
Tuvok took advantage of the moment to refresh his memory.
"Commander," he asked Chakotay, "please remind me of
my role in this ensemble."
Chakotay chuckled again. "Sure, Tuvok. You're the introvert, the
contemplative member of the band."
Tuvok nodded slightly. "I see. So, regardless of the fact that I
could be considered the ethnic or the cuddly one, I fulfill an important
role in the band."
Chakotay's eyebrow rose sharply. "Tuvok, you are important to the
band. Your harp allows us to have a different sound from all the other
bands that are popular now, plus many species will be attracted to your
pointed ears."
Tuvok's mood - if he had one - seemed to brighten at that. "Thank
you, commander. I believe I have enough information now to perform
adequately."
The doctor, having worked things out with the captain, returned to the
edge of the stage. "All right, men. Let's go through the opening
song again. And sell it - sparkle!" He pressed an icon on his padd,
and four clicks of a metronome cued them for their song:
Baby, baby, you're from an alien race,
Baby, baby, I love the spots on your face,
Baby, baby, I wanna invade your space.
With you is how I spend my time,
Interplanetary love is a crime,
I violate a directive that's prime.
During the song, B'Elanna quietly entered and sat next to the captain.
She listened for a few moments, then leaned over to whisper,
"Captain, what do you think of the sunglasses I designed for them? I
think it makes them look hip."
Janeway didn't take her eyes off the stage, but she answered,
"They're great - they go so well with the carpenter jeans and the
hockey jerseys. I just hope they can get their act together before
tomorrow night."
At that moment, Neelix did the splits again - this time, two beats late.
"No, no, no! Mr. Neelix, don't Talaxians have any sense of
timing?!" That was all the ship's morale officer, chef, and the
band's "caring older brother type" could take. Neelix
quietly set his drumsticks on the stand, turned, and walked out of the
mess hall.
"I'll go talk to him," said Janeway as she moved to follow.
As she passed the doctor, she pointed in his face and said, "You need
to watch your temper. I won't have this opportunity ruined by one of
your tantrums."
Torres approached the stage, giggling slightly. "Well, I'm here
to help you practice fan interaction. Ready?" Without any more
warning than that, she heaved a teddy bear that hit Tom squarely in the
stomach, doubling him over. She quickly reloaded and flung a pair of
panties at Tuvok, who was able to catch them one-handed. He studied them
carefully.
"Oof, watch that stuff," Tom wheezed out, as he dropped to one
knee and set the guitar on the floor.
Harry set down his tambourine and dashed over to help Tom, knocking over
microphone stands as he went. "Nice going," he growled at
B'Elanna. "Here, Tom, let me take you to lie down."
Paris shot a look at Torres and winked wickedly as Harry hooked his arm
around his shoulders and walked him out into the corridor.
Chakotay and Tuvok quietly looked to the doctor for instructions. The
doctor tapped his comm badge. "This is the doctor to crewman Bob
Jenkins."
"Go ahead, doctor."
"Mr. Jenkins, we seem to have an opening in the band."
"Yes! I'll be right there!" was the reply.
At that moment, Jenny Delaney entered, sans Megan. She was carrying a
hand -painted sign that read "Tommy - I want to have your baby."
She looked around the room, confused.
B'Elanna walked up to her. "Jenny, you're too late.
In so many ways and on so many levels, you're too late."
"Oh," was the reply.
The doctor sunk into a chair and rubbed his head. After a moment of silence,
he waved to Tuvok and Chakotay without looking up. "That's lunch,
gentlemen. I'll call you when we can rehearse again."
"How long do you think that will be?" asked Tuvok.
The doctor sighed. "I don't know. But we're not beaten yet.
The universe hasn't heard the last of -"
---
End
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