by BratKatze
---
I am such a selfish bastard. Oh Harry, if you only knew. Would you hate
me? Or would you shake your beautiful head at me and say it's all
right, I understand.
Would you believe that I'm happy now. Deliriously, wonderfully happy.
Everyone is miserable but I, Tom Paris, am on top of the world. I have you
safe in my arms, here on Voyager and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm glad the quantum drive failed. I'm glad Voyager never made it
back to the Alpha Quadrant. I am glad the crew never made it
"home". For me this is home. Here on Voyager, with you in my
arms. Your warm spicy skin pressed against mine as you sleep. This is home
and return to the Alpha Quadrant would have changed all that. In gaining
yours I would have lost mine. So I'm glad we failed.
I tried to be happy for you, for all of you. You couldn't tell how
frightened I was, could you? How absolutely terrified I was of the return.
Everything I love and care about is here. I have nothing there. And I have
no illusions as to what will happen when we return. The Captain insists
that all will be well, that the Maquis will be forgiven, even me, and that
we'll all be heroes. I doubt that. The Maquis possibly, me never. The
Paris name is a blessing and a curse. Oh they probably won't send me
back to Auckland but they will make me disappear. I am not Starfleet
material, it says so on the transcripts after Caldik Prime. I was
cashiered, Harry, there is no going back. Either Starfleet won't have
me or they'll make my position so unbearable that I'll quit.
Either way we will be separated. You won't let that happen you say.
You'll stick with me. And you would too. My Harry. Even though it
would destroy you. And I'll never let that happen. After the happiness
I've know here on Voyager and in your arms I couldn't go back to
what I was before. I'd rather die.
I never said a word. That was to be my final gift to you. I pretended to
be happy with you, excited with you, thrilled with you, but it was all a
mask. Thought you knew them all huh? Well, Tom has a mask for every
fucking occasion. Do you know what I was doing at the celebration? While
you were all toasting the drive and drinking your champagne. I was trying
to destroy your little happy bubble. No, I didn't sabotage drive. I
would never do that, but did you think I would have noticed a .42 variance
if I wasn't looking for it. I went over every spec, every projection
in minute detail looking for something wrong, for something to stop the
flight. I wasn't being a hero, I wasn't being thorough and
conscientious, or intuitive as the Captain thought. I was desperate.
I had thought I could let you go, but as the time for the flight came
nearer I panicked, folded. Did a Tom Paris. I saw you, all of you, even
Neelix happy, planning your futures, your reunions, everyone had something
to look forward to. Hell even Chakotay couldn't stop grinning. But my
happiness is here, with all of you, and you were pulling away from me.
Suddenly, I was on the outside looking in again and I'd forgotten how
much that hurt. You've spoiled me, Harry. Your love was a balm to my
soul. Your love healed my wounds and scars but suddenly the wounds were
raw again and I couldn't take the pain. I was like a wild thing,
hunted, desperate. I began searching, looking; for some flaw, it
didn't matter what. Anything. That's what I was doing all those
days while the crew was on cloud nine dreaming of home. I was plotting a
nightmare. And I found it.
It was a weird feeling. Knowing I'd succeeded. Knowing I'd found
the information I needed to dash all your hopes. I almost didn't use
it. As you said it was only a .42 but then you caught me running the
diagnostic. God help me Harry, I took the opportunity. I took the chance
to save myself at the cost of your dreams. Your eyes when I showed you the
readings broke my heart. I never wanted to cause you pain. I never wanted
to hurt you, Harry. You've given me so much joy, love, friendship --
the look on your face when we ran the simulations nearly killed me. Then
you came up with using the Flyer to map the slipstream. The look on your
face then, the triumph, the sheer joy. That killed me. I knew then I had
to let you go, let you fly away from me. And so I did. I let you, nay I
encouraged you to show your idea to the Captain and B'Elanna. I knew
what it would mean. It meant we would go. It was the hardest, most
unselfish thing I've ever done, push you and your idea forward. I
don't regret it. What are you dreaming, Harry? Here in my arms, your
hair all tousled and your skin so flushed and warm. Are you dreaming of
me? the flight? the other Harry?
What is the old saying.. . If you love something let it go, if it returns
it is yours, if not -- it never was. Are you mine, Harry? Did you return
for me? Or solely out of guilt? Yes, the Captain told me what happened.
She thought you could use some support.
I would never have wished this pain on you. I watched helpless as you sat
for hours working out the phase variances, the burden of what would have
been written on your face. Perhaps you'll understand me better now,
but it's a lesson I would have spared you. I won't lie to you and
neither will the Captain, those miscalculations would have killed us all.
You don't deserve pity comfort. I am certainly not one to throw
stones. But you came through for us and for me and that's all that
matters. This is twice you've come back from the Alpha Quadrant where
you were safe. Twice you've brought me back from the dead, that must
count for something, Harry.
I saw the other Harry Kim. As you slept, exhausted, I slipped from bed and
watched the message. And I saw the Harry you would have become if you had
been me. He looked like someone I could talk to, someone who would
understand, but I hope I never meet him. I'll do my poor best to
ensure he never comes to life.
I love you Harry Kim. My honorable, passionate, noble, incomparable Harry
and one day I swear, by all that I am and probably will ever be, I will
fly you home.
---
End
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