by Debra Fran Baker
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copyright 1997 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates

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Tom liked to sleep with the lights at 5% - just enough so that he wouldn't have to stumble to the bathroom or wake up in the dark. Even if I could have slept without my eyeshades, there was no way I'd find rest that night. So, I used the dim light to watch my lover sleep. I used it to watch my soon-to-be ex-lover sleep.

Tom was always beautiful, but he was unearthly when he was asleep. All of the hardness disappeared when he was asleep. At times he seemed younger than I was. At times he seemed the young and innocent kid he thought I was. So, I lay there watching my best friend sleep and wondered how I could stand to hurt him as much as I did. I'd heard of hearts breaking because of love gone wrong. My heart was breaking because of a love I never had.

We'd become lovers right after the Akritarian prison. He'd been my lifeline during that horrible time, and I'd tried to kill him. He forgave me for that. He knew what I had been through - he felt the clamp close down on his own brain, on his own soul. We shared a dinner of steak and pudding, which progressed to a night of touching and holding.

I remembered that first night in Tom's cabin. We'd both been with men before. Strike that. We'd both been with men willingly before. Tom told me that there had been a time he'd been raped, but he didn't tell me when. I thought it had been in prison. A man as beautiful as Tom would be a target. But he said it wasn't. I was glad I wasn't the first to be gentle with him.

It was a wonderful, perfect night. We kissed for what seemed like hours after dinner and then explored each other's bodies as if we'd never seen each other before. In a way, we hadn't. I kissed every inch of that graceful, slender body as he writhed in my arms. He felt right in my arms, but not the way Libby did. I put Libby out of my mind. If I saw her again, it would be with her husband and children. Maybe even grand- children.

I tasted him that night as he filled my mouth, filled it with silk and velvet and the hardness of his desire. He stroked my hair, telling me how soft it was as I grasped his hips and then he couldn't speak for a long time.

And then I filled him, and again we fit as I stared into his blue, blue eyes and kissed his lips and let him taste himself, as we moved together as if we were dancing, as if it were choreographed. He cried out again, but I was silent. I'm always silent at the end. It's as if my vocal cords freeze. Instead, I cried in his arms. He thought it was because it was too intense after the prison. I knew better. I knew this night would come, even as I prayed it wouldn't. I buried my face in his chest and slept in his arms.

We couldn't hide the relationship, so we didn't try. The whole ship knew by lunchtime. I was surprised at how many people approved - and at how many people thought it was about time. There had even been a betting pool. The captain won.

There were others, though. People who still didn't trust Tom, people who told him that if he hurt me, he'd pay, or who told me that I'd better not get too involved. I just smiled. I'm good at hiding things like that. Everyone thought that the affair would last forever or would end with Tom dumping me. How could I disappoint all our friends? I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary. I hoped that it would be able to last forever. Tom was my best friend and I did love him.

It was fun for a long time. Tom was an incredible lover, and I wasn't so bad, either. Sometimes we tried out innovations, sometimes we had plain old-fashioned sex. We laughed and tickled each other and spent long nights just holding each other close. Sometimes Tom had bad dreams - not often, but sometimes, and if I were there I could gentle him through them. I never really slept in his cabin. There was too much light and he hated my eyeshades. I was able to get into a sort of doze and that would be enough to carry me through the next day and I'd sleep alone in the dark, with the darkness, the next night, or I would leave in the night and go back to my own. Tom understood, and that was why we never slept in my bed.

So long as we kept it friendship, it would be fine, and I didn't want to end it. Or, if all went well, we'd both go beyond friendship and we'd last forever.

Weeks passed. The ship met other races and sometimes things went well and sometimes we fought. B'Elanna kept it going and I kept it living and Tom kept it moving, and the captain was the soul and Chakotay was the heart.

And then this night happened.

There was dinner and candles and real wine purchased on some planet. It wasn't grape wine, but it wasn't synthehol either. It was light and dry and Tom drank hardly any of it. After dinner, we sat on his couch with coffee and more wine.

Tom was glowing. I was scared.

"Harry, I have to tell you something."

"No, no. You don't have to say anything. Please, don't. Let's just go to bed."

"What's wrong? It's something good." I couldn't breathe, but I nodded.

He took my hands. "Harry Kim, these have been the best weeks of my life. I've never been happier. I love you, and I want. . ."

He said the words I'd been dreading. I couldn't help myself - I began to cry. He would never finish the sentence.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

In my efforts to stop, I began to hyperventilate. Tom just held me until I calmed. I wanted to collapse in his arms, but I held myself away.

"Harry? Are you all right?"

I took a deep, ragged breath. "No. Tom, you are my best friend ever. I'd give my life for you." Tom smiled. "But. . . I loved these weeks. I don't want them to end. I don't want to hurt you. Oh, God. Tom, my friend, my wonderful, passionate, beautiful lover - I'm not in love with you." There. I finally said it. It hurt even more than I'd expected.

Tom sat back on the couch in shock.

"Were you lying all these weeks, Harry? Just letting me believe that you loved me?"

"We never said the words. So long as we never said the words, I wasn't lying. And I do love you. Just not that way. I was hoping I would learn to. I was happy - am happy - in your arms. But I've been in love and even if I'm not in love with Libby any more, I remember how it feels."

"Like you can't live without the other person? Like every moment apart is torture? Like the idea of a future without the other person is a nightmare?"

I hated myself at that moment. If I couldhave lost myself in darkness at that point, I would have.

"Yeah. And I don't want to think of a future without you, but it isn't the same thing. You are a part of my life that I would not do without, but you need someone in love with you."

"Where would I find that? There are 130 people on this ship, and we lose someone every other month sometimes. People are already pairing up. Can't you stay with me anyway? The sex is still great."

"No. We don't feel the same way. I could share my life with a friend. Libby was a friend - but we were in love with each other." I was crying again. So was he, but he was accepting this. "If we felt the same way. . . but we don't. I wish we did. I wish I was in love with you. I don't know why I'm not. You are everything I could wish for."

"I'm not a woman." His voice was so bitter.

"That doesn't matter. That has never mattered. Oh, God, Tom. I'm so sorry. I'll go back to my cabin tonight, and tomorrow we'll try to rebuild the friendship. If you still want to be friends with me."

He surprised me. "No. Please, Harry. One more night. Maybe you'll change your mind, and even if you don't, we should have this. . . closure. Don't say goodbye until the morning." I nodded and kissed his cheek.

If the first night was wonderful and perfect, the last night was sweet and gentle and awkward. His body was familiar to me now. Instead, I held him for the longest time, remembering how he used to fit so well. He was still beautiful, though. We used our hands and mouths to give the other pleasure and then, weeping a little, he fell asleep in my arms.

Slowly, I disentangled myself from him, and watched him sleep. He looked so young and innocent and I'd hurt him so much. I lay there for a long time, dozing once in a while in the dim light. I needed darkness so much I could taste it, but it was too late. I'd sleep tomorrow night. When it came time to for Tom to wake, I kissed him softly on the cheek and left for my own cabin. He watched me go silently.

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End