Title: Conundrum
Author: Chad Skywalker
Email: Chad_Skywalker@webtv.net
Feedback: Always welcome
Date: June 18th, 2001
Series/Sequel: This story is a sequel to "Dangerous
Undercurrents".
Status: WIP
Category: M/O
Rating: PG
Fandom: The X-Files
Spoilers: This story takes place after "Existence".
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to CC and
1013; they are only being borrowed. Any others were
conceived in my warped imagination.
Beta Thanks: Bertina

Chapter One: Whispers of the Past

Huddled within his jacket, Fox William Mulder took a
deep cleansing breath of icy mountain air. He shifted
his weight on the hill side. How long had he been
sitting here? He couldn't remember, but it was long
enough for his behind to go numb despite the plus
fours. Resting on his 
backpack, Mulder peered through his sunglasses at the
magnificent scenery. Jutting from the earth on all
sides were mountains leading down into a quiet valley.
In the exact center sat a monastery.

His journey began about a month ago, soon after Dana
Scully had given birth to her son William. They'd
shared a kiss; an embrace of life moving on. Mulder
knew that she and the baby would be well taken care
of. He had come to a reluctant acceptance that his
time with the FBI and 
his life's work with the X-Files was over. However, he
still had a quest, and pressing questions that needed
answers.

Long buried memories had reemmerged during his
abduction a year ago. Every fiber of his body had been
probbed, including his mind. The day he finally awoke
in a hospital to find Scully's face smiling down at
him, was the day the nightmares started all over
again. Dreams he had 
repressed for eighteen years. He needed to resolve the
whirlpool of feelings within his soul.

That first year at Oxford had begun with such hope;
friendships, school, parties... and love. Fate had
deemed to send a mystical, idealistic, smart mouthed
hurricane crashing into his life. Jamie Grayson,
having won a scholarship to study at the esteemed
university, had been chosen... chosen? ...to be his
flatmate.

With cold hearts, the fates had taken Jamie away just
as swiftly as he arrived. There had been a rockfall in
a series of catacombs near the school. To this day
Mulder could not recall the events clearly. Why had he
been in those tunnels? He'd suffered a concussion and
awakened in a hospital; his memories vague.

The news had hit him like a ton of bricks. He barely
remembered being anywhere near the caves, but the
fearful sense that Jamie had been in some kind of
danger persisted. Granted release, Mulder had spent
night after night at the site. His friend Carolyn had
even sat with him, encouraging him to hang onto hope
until there was none left. He could not get a 
straight answer out of a single soul. Not even from
the inspector or the reclusive professor who saved his
life.

The day Jamie's belongings were collected was the day
Mulder left the flat. He'd only kept a few things for
himself, a photograph and an unfinished letter. A
single minded purpose had replaced his grief. His
studies had become a prime obsession. Graduating at
the top of his class, Mulder left Oxford behind to
return to the States where he found his niche in the
FBI. He would never forget the day he discovered the
X-Files, nor when he filed 
the mystery surrounding Jamie's death into one. Now he
had nothing left of the first boy he ever loved. The
files had all gone up in smoke, metaphorically
mirroring so many events in his own life.

Eighteen years later, here he was-sitting on a
mountain with a handful of smokey memories. And, he
reminded himself, this is the reason why you're here.

When he told Scully where he was heading, she laughed
and told him to have fun Yeti hunting. Any other time
he would have adamantly brought back some kind of
proof, be it an imprint, fur, or a suspicious piece of
dung. Not this time. For this was something he had to
do on his own. He'd researched spiritual cleansing,
and discovered *The Tibetan Book of the Dead* with its
secrets of the astral plane, and out of body
experiences.

The embattled Tibetan monks' true belief in higher
plains of existence might be the key to understanding
the nightmares. If he could somehow break through the
barrier, perhaps he would finally remember exactly
what happened back in 1983. Hypnosis with his
therapist had yielded success with the events
surrounding Samantha's abduction, but had proved a
complete waste of time concerning his lost memories of
Jamie.

With so many things constantly keeping him on the run,
Jamie's death had become a shadow in the back of his
mind. Now it was as if someone was deliberately
stirring up a hornet's nest. Ever since his own
abduction, he could quite literally hear a voice
faintly calling to him. He could be anywhere, doing
anything, and the voice would sound; particularly at
night in his dreams. The visions he saw in his
sleeping mind were becoming more vivid and disturbing.
That's what pushed him into this quest, a spiritual
one to understand.

The frosty morning he arrived in Lhasa, Mulder's guide
introduced him to an elderly monk named Saphan. Using
a walking stick, the blind holy man lead Mulder inside
a little lamasery beside a rushing river. Setting down
his backpack, Mulder slowly took in the brightly
colored paintings covering the walls. Saphan stood
beside a prayer wheel, waiting. "What do you seek?" he
simply asked.

The question seemed strangely familiar to Mulder. A
chill ran across his skin, like someone had stepped on
his grave -- which was highly probable with the way
this year had gone.

"I'm looking for answers. About someone I lost a long
time ago," he replied, not knowing quite what to say.
"I'm... seeing things."

The monk tapped his stick three times. "I ask again,
what do you seek?"

"The truth," Mulder said, licking his dry lips.

Satisifed, the Saphan began to turn the wheel. The
multicolored ribbons flew around in a whirl. The small
monk's voice became low, "The truth you seek is inside
yourself. It has always been there. You must see the
wall that bars the truth as glass. The wheel of life
turns, we are all one, tormented by gods and demons.
You have been tormented more than most."
 
Mulder began to feel very drowsy. The gompa spun and
the chasing colors of the prayer wheel became one.
Images of his life blurred and flashed past in rapid
succession...

"Ready, Sam?" he called to his little sister.

"Higher, Fox!" Samantha begged as he gave her a hearty
push on the swingset.

"Do you believe in the existence of extra
terrestrials?" he heard himself ask. More voices and
faces from the recent and distant past spun by.

"Scully!"

"They call me Spooky, Spooky Mulder."

"They've been here a very long time."

A young man with blonde hair and green eyes. "I'll
always love you," he said.

Gasping, Mulder opened his eyes wide and tried to
catch his breath. Just like the dreams, he felt as if
he'd been floating above himself. Mulder found the
little monk standing before him, placing a long silk
scarf over his shoulders. "You will need this for good
luck."

Fingering the material of the hada, he sat down
heavily on the gompa's floor.

"The truth you seek is not here," Saphan adamantly
told him.

Dazed, Mulder looked up at him with sad eyes. "Please,
tell me where I can find it."

"You are too inquistive, my child." He smiled. "Life
is a journey as the wheel showed you. What you seek
lies buried in shadow. You must leave here soon. Your
journey will continue."

And so it had. Leaving more puzzled than when he'd
arrived, Mulder had decided to take in the charmingly
mysterious Tibetan landscape. The monk seemed to know
more than he was saying. Why was it so important for
him to leave? He had not dreamed once since his
arrival. Maybe it was the crystal air? The more he
thought of it, the sleepier he became...

Mulder found himself in a field lush with grass and
blooming summer flowers. He breathed in the
intoxicating air and felt totally at peace. In his
shirt sleeves and jeans, he enjoyed the grass tickling
beneath his bare feet. In the distance, he could just
make out a sign sticking out of the ground. He walked
toward it. OXFORD UNIVERSITY, it read. Curious place
to leave a sign.

He passed on and spotted a figure sitting crosslegged
on a hillock. The closer he became he could see that
it was a young man holding a boquet of roses. The boy
smiled and tossed the flowers, where they froze in mid
air. Taking him by the hands, Mulder began to swing
him around. A playful laugh came from his voice. "I've
been looking for you everywhere."

"I've always been here. You just didn't know where to
look."

Mulder continued to spin. "I forgot something
important." Somewhere, he could hear a telephone
ringing. The boy's face became distant and sad. A cold
wind whipped through the field; dark clouds blotting
out the sun.

Mulder glanced around. Dark figures in hooded cowls
slipped between knarled, gray trees. He frowned. "I
don't understand. Where have you been?"

"Alone in the darkness. Waiting."

Mulder stared uncomprehendingly at the curved dagger
in his hand. "What's this?"

"Don't you remember?" An innocent question stepped in
hidden meaning.

The blade was covered in blood. Fear took hold of his
heart. The roses fell to the ground, wilted. He looked
up, the boy slid to the ground; the front of his shirt
soaked in dark crimson.

Mulder tried to help, but found his legs unwilling to
respond. He stiffened, feeling a presence moving up
from behind. The handsome Russian's elfin features
frowned at the scene. Mulder could see right through
the hole in the man's forehead. 

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

The man shrugged. "You shouldn't be surprised. Our
paths were destined to cross again." He glanced down
at the bleeding figure and pulled a frown. "You know
they say he died because you abandoned him."

Mulder felt like knocking him to the ground. "No,
that's not true!" he said through clenched teeth.

"How would you know? You can't even remember
anything." The dark man appeared by his left shoulder,
"The occult?" Then his right, "Undercurrents. Ring any
bells?"

Shaking his head, Mulder stared back at the young
boy's body... but it had vanished. A booming, alien
voice called to him from all around. "Where is the
naga box?"

Lightning flashed and the field washed over in dark
shadows...

"NO!" Mulder awoke with a jolt. It took him several
minutes to orientate himself. Gulping in deep breaths,
he looked all around and found his apartment shrouded
in darkness. His apartment! Sitting up, his sweat
soaked body stuck to the sofa's upholstery.

"What the hell was I drinking?" he wondered aloud. The
last thing he remembered was arriving home, severely
jet lagged, from the trip to Tibet. Across the room,
the television sizzled a fuzzy screen of static. He
rubbed his eyes. Man, they felt so sore!

Standing, he groaned and stretched his muscles. Moving
toward the crackling set, Mulder saw that the porn
video he'd been watching had rewound and ejected.
Taking it out, he tossed it onto a pile of tapes. He
couldn't even remember watching it. Smacking his
mouth, he headed toward the kitchen to make some
coffee.

He noticed the message light on his answering machine
blinking rapidly. Pressing a button, he let the
messages play through while he started the coffee
maker.

"Mulder, are you okay?" Dana's voice asked from the
machine's tiny speaker. In the background he could
hear little William gurgling. "I haven't heard from
you since you got back from your trip."

Mulder looked up and left the kitchen. Was Scully
trying to play a joke on him? He'd just returned from
the airport.

"You said you were going to come by four days ago! I
swear if you've come home with a real abominable
snowman, I don't wanna know! Call me!"

Four days! What was Scully talking about? He turned at
the sound of a thud. Opening the apartment door, he
found a stack of newspapers waiting for him. Lifting
one from the bottom his eyes widened with disbelief at
the date. He'd actually been asleep for four whole
days!

He leaned against the door frame. This had never
happened before. What was going on? Then, the dream
came rushing back. It had been so vivid. What was his
subconscious trying to tell him? Maybe it was time he
told Scully about it.

Mulder sighed and decided to take a hot shower to
clear his senses. Halfway down the hall he froze in
his tracks when a voice he had not heard in eighteen
years clicked on the machine.

"Um... Foxy, hi this is Carolyn Prentice, well Carolyn
Fredericks now, from university, remember? I've been
trying to contact you for some time. Erm, something's
happened in Oxford.. at the site where... you know,
where Ryan and Jamie... I didn't want to tell you like
this, but I thought you'd like to know." 

Carolyn's voice hurriedly reeled off her telephone
number. Heart racing, Mulder played back the message
again and again. Something happened, but what? Is this
why the monk suggested he come back? He had 
to get in touch with Carolyn immediately. Maybe this
would be the answer. There was no way he'd let this
chance pass him by. It looked as if he was going to
get more use out of those frequest flyer miles after
all...

~oo0oo~

"Oxford! You're going to Oxford?" Dana Scully tried to
kept the explosive tone down. "Mulder, you just got
back from Tibet."

She stared across at her friend sitting in her living
room. His stoic expression told her that his mind was
fixed.

"Scully, I have to go. It's so important to me to find
the answers."

"Answers to what, Mulder? First you trek off to the
Himalayas and now you're headed back to your alma
mater. What's going on?" She didn't mean to give him
the third degree, but didn't like the idea of him
leaving again, nor the twinge of possessiveness she
felt. Sitting beside him, she kept one hand on the
baby's cradle. Inside, William slept like an angel.

Mulder clasped his hands together, long fingers
interlacing. Dana could sense something serious in the
air.

"My first year at university I fell in love with
someone who died under mysterious circumstances," he
told her.

"Oh, Mulder I had no idea." The pain radiating from
his eyes spoke volumes.

He stood up and started to pace the well lit room.
"I've never been able to remember exactly what
happened. It was easier not to think about it." He
paused before her and took a single, nervous breath.
"Ever since my abduction I've been having recurring
nightmares about him."

Dana blinked. "Him?"

Mulder nodded. "Yes, his name was Jamie."

"Mulder, all this time and you never told me," she
said, slowly. The news really didn't come as a
surprise. Sure, Mulder had been married to Diana, but
maybe this explained why it had been a disaster.

"I'm sorry, Scully. It's just that my personal life
has been... nonexistant. Did I shock you?" He couldn't
help but smile.

"No," she smiled back. "Somehow I think I've always
known."

Mulder stared off into space for a moment. "I've tried
everything to remember. And the dreams are becoming
more real, more frightening."

Scully put on her doctor's cap. "Repressed trauma,"
she diagnosed.

He suddenly became very animated. "Then you understand
why I have to go. If there's even the slightest
chance..."

Dana held up her hands. "Whoa, slow down, Mulder. Yes,
I understand but I'm afraid you might be setting
yourself up for a fall."

"I have to try." He looked at her with pleading eyes.
She could read them like a book; he clearly needed her
support.

"Alright," she agreed. He practically beamed at her
response. "Just let me know what happens."

"I promise." He looked in on William then made a
beeline for the door.

"Good luck," Dana called after him. "I think you're
gonna need it."

Mulder turned back and gave her a sly wink. "Funny you
should say that. A monk told me the exact same thing."

After Mulder was gone, Dana pondered over her best
friend's revelation. She decided that she'd really
like to know more about Jamie and what happened to
Mulder all those years ago...

~oo0oo~

Pressing down on the horn impatiently, Mulder willed
the traffic to move on. It was bumper to bumper all
the way through town. He'd be late for his flight. He
felt as if a bit of the weight had been lifted from
his shoulders since his talk with Scully. Something
had always held him back from telling her about a part
of his life he'd kept secret. The time had been right,
and her theory about his dreams jived with those of
his therapist. Perhaps what happened back in 1983 had
induced post traumatic stress syndrome. But why? There
was only one way to find out -- go back and confront
his demons.

It had been wonderful to hear Carolyn's voice after
all these years. She sounded just as excitable as
ever. However, he was puzzled by their cryptic
conversation. She thought it best if they could
discuss recent events in person.

"Come on, come on," he said, as the cars ahead inched
along. Frustrated, he turned on the radio.

"Call for your free psychic reading," a voice blasted
through the speakers.

He was in no mood to hear a commercial. He needed
something to perk him up. Going from station to
station he finally stopped when the harmonious
melodies of ABBA came 
through. He grinned to himself. It had been a long
time since he'd last heard this song. In fact, it had
been on the day he met... 

Mulder stared wide eyed across the bustling street.
Between the sea of motorists and scores of pedestrians
he saw a figure standing on the pavement.

"Jamie!"

[Next Episode: The Return]