Bird Poised to Fly

Zine produced for BWA 61, July 2000. Originally printed on a double-sided sheet of red A4 80gsm paper in size 10 Garamond font.

Beauty and Feelings

The other day I saw American Beauty—possibly the last person that I know of to have seen it so late. At the end, the main character talks of the beauty in life, and how every moment is beautiful, that there is so much beauty in the world that his heart feels like it would burst like a balloon from it. He goes on to say that he has to let it go, to have it pass through him.

I can't say that I would rave about the film as much as Hollywood has done so, but in context of the conversation prior to seeing it, some of what was said made sense.

My current social group is very insular, and a lot of people get together and break up, with both sides almost always feeling very bad about it for some time after the relationship has ended. I watch this and feel somewhat befuddled, as the average span of those relationships are a couple of months. My ex (from that group) happened to explain it to me at my querying why this was probably so; he said that they were expecting a long term relationship, and when this did not happen, two things were broken: the idea of love and the feeling of it.

Considering that in this context, the parties are expecting long term from what is, in essence, a very short term group (although there are the exceptions that spring to mind), simply strikes me as strange. I'm not an altogether strong believer of happily ever after. When faced with such strong probabilities that it is not going to happen, and seeing so many examples around me now and in the past, I find it harder to believe in.

It strikes me that it's a little like grasping—I love people, I don't deny that. I love my ex very much (not in a romantic sense), and my brother, but I don't feel that they need to be part of my life for me to do that. My upbringing taught me very quickly that I had to be able to let go anyone that I cared for, because they would not be around for long. The only stable people in my life were my brother, my mother, and my father. I've not been able to attach myself to anyone, so the more conventional forms of caring seem to me as a little odd.

I'm beginning to understand what others feel, but it's been a harder journey than I expected. I've hurt people along the way, not expecting them to get very upset when I break things off or simply disappear for a while … and been surprised when they did. I guess I've learnt something this past few months—to be more considerate of other's feelings, and to see where they are coming from, if not quite understand.

Context of the movie, feelings are beautiful, people are beautiful. I let those that I have met pass through me, in a way … I meet people, remember them fondly, and then let life drag me along without regretting not seeing them again. Just the period of time that I know them is good, though I do know that I have gone out of my way to see some of them again. Everyone that I have ever known has taught me, something for which I am very grateful for.

SF Things

I've not been able to contact my fellow editor for some time, which makes me a little worried. Adrian has been a bit overwhelmed with submissions for Winedark Sea; having an e-submissions policy tends to make everyone send in their stuff, and he tries to read every one … and with him doing other things, there is not enough time in the day. I'd give him a hand except for that everything is sent to him.

I've been neglecting various sides of work, fandom and updating my websites for study, though I've not been doing much of that either. I have been reading a bit of fiction, generally when on the train to the university or the city. Considering that I have a decently long train ride, it's where I get most of my reading done. But I also study and sleep on there, so it depends upon whether I feel like it or not.

I wasn't able to make it down to sinpOZium 2000—the Sydney Slash confab held last weekend (9th-12th June). My last exam was on the 9th, at 5pm, and considering that it would have taken me around 18 hours by bus … it didn't happen. Instead, I housesitted for two sisters that went down. They have an impressive number of tapes, so I spent most of the weekend watching them, and then going through their book small collection. I was there for the inception of sinpOZium 2000, at the fan meet in Sydney early November last year, but not there for the con itself. I'll have to make do with convincing everyone to have another one next year—which looks to be happening anyway.

Another thing is, I lack the money to do so, though I've yet to find that much of an obstacle when it comes to wanting to do things. I aim to go to ConQuest this October (held in my home city of Brisbane) and then save up for SwanCon (over in Perth) for 2001. Most of the costs are in getting over there than in the membership costs. But that's for next year … and I should be getting a job in the interim (I finish studying next year, and being on the dole isn't something that I want to do if I can avoid it).

I'm itching to go back to doing some fanzining venture, but considering my rather depleted funds, it is probably not in my best interests. I still have a box of old Harbingers stashed away which I really should be rid of.

What I've Been Reading

I've an interesting subject called "History of Erotic Narrative" for which I've been reading older erotic narrative texts French stuff from the 1800's. It's interesting to see the change in perceptions of sexuality from then until now in gradual shifts, and from where the current social mores are based.

The earlier texts can almost be considered literary; certainly the stuff that Aretino wrote, as an example, is flowery to the point of annoyance, yet he has enough embued sexuality and eroticism. He does not have sex scenes as they are so done now; they are there, but in a more discreet away—euphemisms galore. As time goes by, the writing because very much most hinting rather than outright describing—until Sade's era and afterwards, where bluntness is almost a requirement.

The texts mainly showed teaching of someone of the sexual mores and rules the earlier texts exhibiting signs of what was the way at the time; older people teaching the younger the rules. Generally that was older women showing the younger man or woman the 'positions' of Venus (sexual positions) and the conventions of society in which they lives. I also read recently Boys Like Us, a gay novel which followed the love life of a gay man and the family around him, and also showing dealing with AIDS and HIV as part of their lives. Another gay novel was The Front Runner, by Patricia Nell Warren, which was mostly a romance that tracked the life of Runner Billy Sive through the eye s of his lover. It showed the rather negative aspects of the establishment's behaviour towards those that were gay.

On the SF side of things, of the Philip K Dick books that I read recently, The Zap Gun; Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said and The Divine Invasion, I have to say that my favourite was the second. Flow My Tears was a rather odd sort of novel, with something that Dick appeared quite fond of; worlds of other dimensions, or alternate ones to the established one. He has it in a futuristic society, and the main character is zipped over into a parallel universe where he does not exist. Whereas The Zap Gun has a man coming back in time and having the 'weapon designers' taking their designs telepathically from a comic illustrator. The Divine Invasion, yet again, has mind bending … But from a more dichotomic perspective, where God (or his reincarnation) and the others fight against 'satan' are taking turns in altering the perceptions of the father.

Run, Come See Jerusalem!, by Richard C. Meredith was a worthwhile read. It's another timetravel story, but the characters and the plot around it was interesting enough for me to keep on reading. I wasn't thinking most of the time about the possible inconsistencies, and he wrapped up just about everything that I could poke a hole into. The way that the character kept meeting up with his past selves and ultimately, despite his good intentions, was the product of the downfall of those in the future, was rather neat, though probably not exactly the most original of thoughts. I've read a number of stories along the same lines before, but it was entertaining, considering that relationships as well as the threads of past, now, and future were being followed.

Reading books that have plots based around a psychology thread, especially older ones, tend to make me cringe because of the fact that so very many times schizophrenia is used because it is 'interesting' and quite often in an erroneous manner. Dick often has a thread of schizophrenia though his stories … The books that I read of his most recently, all had some kind of reference to mental illness. I've found that to be the case with his other writings, too. Oscar Rossiter's Tetrasomy Two had the mental illness thing going, but also didn't go very much overboard in what he was using it for. A very important thread, supported by some other medical science to go with it (which my eyes glazed over), but it worked for me. I don't tend to mind stories in the first person that track one's perceived descent into madness by society, even should there be a reason for the actions. As there was in this.

I've comes into a few zines this past week while I was away, so I'll be reading those while away from home yet again. Being away from my parent's house is becoming quite a trend. I read Redsine one, have Redsine two on hand, and Bruce Gillespie's most recent zine, Steam Engine Time no. 1. I'll also read the books at the place that I will be staying at (my exbf's place; he is going down the Gosford, NSW, for a week). That's it for a while.