Journal, 1994

03.05.1994

I am so sorry. I have killed little bird by accident. I wanted to hold him, but I didn't want him to fly away, so I put him behind a cushion. I forgot he was there, so I sat on him. The second time I have killed a bird now. I put the budgie under my leg before to quieten him, but he died and I spun tales to keep out of trouble. I am stupid. Killing poor innocent little beings. Maybe it's better, no-one being cruel to him. I feel so sad, I can't pretend I'm not. God most likely hates me now. Everyone likes the me that is so sure, so confident. If they saw the other me, they couldn't get away fast enough. I feel so much pain. I wish that I no longer existed. If I was brave enough to kill myself, I would. I wish an angel would come and talk to me. I am so lonely. A nutty mother, a dad hardly ever home, and a brother so mean the Devil would be no comparison, and with friends who would think I was joking, as they always do. I am so alone, so sad … no, that's an understatement. If one could die of sadness, I would.

Maybe this is depression. I wish I could speak to an angel, or a priest. I am making it look like the bird died of natural causes. I can stifle feelings. I wish there was no me who killed poor little birds, no-one capable of any cruelty. Do we have a curse or something? All of our birds die or fly away.

Sunday 5^th June 1994

Today is the fourth day since Ploppy flew away. Gramp's died today of cancer, and two of our relatives phoned to tell us, a woman and Uncle Gareth. Maybe we have to go to his funeral—it would be my first, but somehow I think we're not invited (5th August addendum: I was right) (11th September addendum: the woman was Aunt Beverley).

Monday 6^th June 1994

Ben Shields' brother, Jason, found Ploppy in a short bush, and said "I found a bird! And it's tame!", but Ben saw it and brought it to us. I paid Jason $5 for being so nice. We bought a new normal peachface lovebird -- a beautiful chirpy little thing. It flaps about a lot very fast too. I hope that this one lives. I don't understand why Pech is so mean to me -- I never do anything really wrong to her. Blaming me for what Damien does and telling me I should control him just like he was a TV and I the remote control. I hope we take a photo of Ploppy soon.

Wednesday 8^th June 1994

I don't know why I am alive. I live to suffer and to be humiliated by people, by so-called friends. Life is so complicated now. I wish I was living on the boat, still innocent about pain. The only person who maybe understands me is Damien, but even then maybe not. I don't like who I am. I backstab, I can't stand another's pain and I am too trusting and too generous. If I had a billion dollars, I would most likely give it away to keep someone happy. I may give a confident outlook, but I am not. I don't live in reality. I live in my own fairy-tale land. I always feel guilty. Maybe I have done something wrong in a past life to suffer now. I don't even undestand myself. I hate it when people hurt other people, but I can't do anything about it.

Sunday 12^th June 1994

The peachface we bought the other day flew away yesterday. We bought a normal peachface, a baby, today at the markets. We went to see Jill and Fred, and when we were leaving, I hugged Fred, and he touched my backside, stupid fellow.

Tuesday 2^nd August 1994

Ploppy has flown away again. I think that he is gone for good. I made a little money pouch out of denim just then. I have gotten the books that I ordered from Doubleday Book Club on Friday last. I like them a lot. They're cool. At school we are getting ready for next year's subject selections. Mr Jamieson made me tell the whole Year 10 student body which subjects I had chosen, to which Mrs Buchanan asked me if I was a good student at science—I answered I got 90%, to which there were cries of 'liar'. Clinton said that I didn't have to cheat. Oh well, another day gone today.

Wednesday 3^rd August 1994

I went to the local library and borrowed 4 books out with Saysamone. Ploppy came back! He flew right into the cage to have some fodder. We travelled to Beaudesert by school bus for sport—it was horrible. God only knows how long we were in that bus. Saysamone thinks that I draw really well.

Thursday 4^th August 1994

Today I came home from school feeling rather sick. A guy called Roger Mills called, and I thought it was the old man, and when he said 'how are you', I told him all about the fumes and how Alison Batty threw up and that I was feeling better. When I finally realised that he wasn't Pa, I was embarrassed and he asked if he could leave a message because Pa wasn't here, I said NO (I was confused) and he laughed. How embarrassing! I had to run 800m at school today for CPE (Core Physical Education) and 100m flat out. Shaun said out of the blue that I was beautiful—I could have killed him, because everyone started commenting, like 'Shaun, good on you!' from my friends and all of there smarmy comments.

Tuesday 9^th August 1994

Had BP (Business Principles) test today. The other day when we were watching TV I was trying to flick old man's ear, and he was trying to stop me—he couldn't, so he stopeed and said "Okay, get it over with"—but the way he said it was so funny! I keep remembering how things were on the boat and other things. I loved the yacht. Most of my fondest memories were on Pampero II. They always will be. Saysamone's birthday on Sunday last.

Sunday 21^st August 1994

The Friday before last week I bought 20 Reader's Digest Condensed Books. I got my Book Club orders on Tuesday. Almost every single day Ploppy has a friend that is wild that comes to visit him and sometimes feeds him.

Sunday 11^th September 1994

The reason I haven't written in ages is because I hid you behind my 3 Robert Jordan books and had no idea you were there. (I hid you because Damien wanted to read you). Yesterday I changed my room around and Friday before last I got 4 Reader's Digest books. This Friday I received 2 Doubleday books. Today Damien and Daddy are going skirmishing, unless they change plans (right not, it is nearly 5 past 10 in the morning). Ma and Damien rushed in right now to ask where I am going at the end of this year, to Dreamworld or Seaworld (Dreamworld) and Damien says we should go to Underwater World at Mooloolaba which, according to him, is only at "the Gold Coast" (it is on the Sunshine Coast and very far away). It is now 10.40pm. Damien and old man didn't go to the skirmish (well, you know, they did but it was cancelled). You know, I am confused, I can't seem to choose between IPT (Information Processing and Technology) or Ancient History. I might do IPT. I do't know if I like women or men. I suppose, men … but … I have to date been in love with one of my own gender … and none men. Rgh. I don't know … I can't seem to get close to guys in that way. Anyway … recently I have been rather confused.

Friday 16^th September 1994

Today everyone blamed ME for eating all of the icecreams and minted chocolate-covered biscuits. Last day of school—out-of-uniform day -- surprisingly no-one made fun of my outfit. Damien and mummy and old man always say that I am fat—maybe I am. Other people don't think so -- but they could be just being polite. I can't touch a morsel of food without someone saying something. From tonight, I am not touching the tiniest bit of food unless I am starving, and then fruit or uncooked vegies, and I am going to exercise like crazy. I did my Romeo and Juliet oral today and I passed by miles!

Friday 17^th October 1994

We have a new teacher for English—Ms Mauriello (Miss Slater left because she had a baby). Ploppy flew away yesterday and I don't think he is coming back this time. Yesterday we went to Sizzlers and I stuffed myself -- the icecream was gross. On Tuesday I bought (Daddy did, really) a pa ir of leather shoes. A couple of weeks ago (maybe a month), I bought the Aladdin video.

Sunday 30^th October 1994

I got the flu/cold whatever it is—and I have a massive headache, and parts of my body feel like I have been beaten with a sledgehammer. Monday last week Damien was suspended for 5 days. On Wednesday Daddy traded the old Cortina (yellow) in for a bronze Chevrolet Sedan—'84 (a sports car). Oh—on Monday, I realised someone swiped my display folder (it had no name). On Thursday, Daddy and ma were going to go shopping in the van—since ma was childish and d idn't want to go in the Chevvie—but old man came into my room (while I was reading Pearl in the Mist—sequel to Ruby) and ASKED me to go shopping with them! Man, it was a surprise, so, half-woozy with shock, I went with them. (Old man wanted to go in the Chevy, and since Damien was at Wayde's, I went instead, and we picked him up after shopping.) I bought my scientific calculator on Thursday for $20, and bought a larger pencil case ($1.05). Today mummy scrubbed the verandah with the hose and broom—but it is still dirty! It was hilarious when the verandah dried and it was as dirty as before! In my last entry I was right—Ploppy has not come back.

Sunday 6^th November 1994

It is Daddy's birthday today. Temperature is VERY hot. I drank some wine and ate loads of food. A bit boring. Yesterday I cooked a cheesecake -- it is very rich (we still have eaten only about half). Yesterday it was Wayde's birthday party—I did not go—stayed and read The Juniper Game and Tehanu: The Last Books of Earthsea. Tomorrow there is a peer mediator thing on at school. Two people have written in my Friendship Book now: Rochelle and Susan (who has it at the moment).

Saturday 12^th November 1994

On Wednesday I had a science test (for which I got 18/24) and a Maths test (4½/10; 0/2; 2½/6). I found out yesterday that I am to receive an award! (A Merit Award, to be precise) for History. Alison Rigby gave me the names for two romance books for me to read: (the paper is somewhere in this diary). I bought (actually, ordered) a book from the Ashton Scholastic Book Club; I forget what it was called, but it was Tamora Pierce, and I receive my poster and 50c book Thursday. I have been working frantically at my tapestry, it is nearly finished.

PS. I finished it by the end of next week

Saturday 3^th December 1994

I received also, a Merit Award for Science. No more school now until next year. Shaun, a couple of weeks ago, told everyone we were going out! I got so mad at him I haven't spoken to him until yesterday, when I said "Bye Shaun". Yesterday I went to the end of year excursion to Dreamworld. I had fun; I took lots of photos. I bought a pack of "Dreamworld" cards. I also bought a disposable raincoat, since it was raining; I went on a lot of rides, with a few exceptions, including Wipeout and Thunderbolt and Graviton. While I was watching the bumper cars, Clinton asked if I wanted to eat some of his ice cream, not ONCE but twice! I declined, of course. It was cold and wet, but had fun. I visited Saysamone today. We talked and watched TV for 2 hours, and then I came home.

Wednesday 7^th December 1994

Man, that cat can make a noise when it is purring! He is very loud! And he is extremely cute. Since there is no school, I am getting a teeny-weeny bit bored. Won't be bored tomorrow!

Sunday 11^th December 1994

Yes, I was right—I went to the library on Thursday, and borrowed out 12 books. Lately ma has been having this photo thing—she has taken a zillion photos! The cat is in my room right now, and he is running around like a loco! She ate a cockroach not 5 minutes ago. She keeps pouncing on everything—even shadows that move slightly—right now she went for my pen! Oh, well, goodnight.