Title: The Big Show in The Big House

Author: Shug

Rating: Absolutely Ridiculous

Warnings: If you aren't a fan of SPORTSCENTER, particularly the OLD show that starred Keith Olberman, you aren't gonna have a *clue* as to what in the hell is going on here. Therefore, I pretty much imagine NO ONE is gonna get this at all, cause I just don't picture a lot of Sportscenter buffs in these parts. But I wanted to send something to your list, and this all I had that hasn't been around.

Spoilers: None Again, this is what I consider hack speak.

Disclaimers: HBO and Tom own some of 'em, ESPN controls some of 'em, and Keith jumped ship and now FOX owns his funny subversive ass.

The Big Show in The Big House
by Shug

Dan: Good Evening prison fans, for Keith and Boomer, welcome to the show. Busy day in Oz action today, Boomer, get us started.

Chris: Thanks Dan, big shakeups, or more accurately, "shakedowns" going on in Skipper Timmy's clubhouse today. For more details, let's send things inside to Augustus "Jack
and Jill went up the" Hill.

Cut to the highlight screen.

Augustus: Yeah, man. In here, we're supposed to be kept under control. People on the outside, they sleep easier thinking we ain't got all the things they've got. We're being punished after all, shouldn't have all the stuff they got. Yeah, we ain't got cars and shit no more. But we got some
stuff. Everybody, every-fuckin-body gotta have some stuff. Thing is, in here, when you got somethin you like, you gotta work twice as hard to make sure no one takes it away.

Keith: Yeah, uh-huh. As always, very succinctly put by the master of yard philosophy.

Chris: Ok, so let's see what he's rappin on with some action from Kenny "I wear Levi's even though they all call me" Wangler, and Arnold "Not Michael, not Tito, not Jermaine, but rather *Poet*" Jackson.

Cut to the highlight screen again.

Kenny Wangler reaches under his pillow, pulling out a small vial filled with white powder. Looking over his shoulder, Poet gingerly waltzes into the pod. "'Sup homes, lemme in on that action G."

"Get the fuck outta here Poet, I ain't kickin no charity to your rhymin ass."

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm up on 'at piece, gimme here," Poet says, holding out a hand.

"You know what's up, gimme the green," Kenny says.

Keith: He wants him to show him the money.

Poet fishes in his pocket, pulling out a tattered Jackson (Andrew, not Tito, not Poet) and passes it to Wangler.

"What's up with this raggedy shit, man?"

"Ease up, it spends a'ight," Poet answers as he takes the vial from Wangler. Lifting it to his nose, he inhales sharply.

Keith: He hit the tits real hard.

"Whooo!" He exclaims, rubbing at his nose, eyes watering up. Wangler snatches the bottle back and hits it himself just as Adebisi enters the small enclosure.

Chris: Simon "says" Adebisi comes to inspect his kingdom.

Roughly snatching the tits from Kenny, he does a double hit, one in each nostril.

Dan: You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him.

Suddenly, a loud blaring siren startles them, and Whittlesey's voice is heard, magnified through a loudpeaker. "Shakedown, shakedown."

Wangler lurches toward his pillow, pulling out the rest of his stash, then lunges toward the toilet with it, dumping an uncut, unpackaged bag in the water then flushes.

Chris: Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl - GONE!

Glowering at Wangler, Adebisi corners him against the back wall. "What are you doing? That's all our tits!"

Keith: They're flushed, and I don't think they're snortable.

Dogs and hacks continue to spread out through Em City, two teams climbing the metal stairs and quickly closing in on the stoned trio.

"You fuckin crazy, Adebisi? 'S a shakedown, we gots ta get ridda da shit," Wangler protests, trying to dodge around the larger man.

"This," Adebisi proclaims, gazing lovingly at the small vial in his hand, "is all we have now. Take good care of it Kenny," he advises, roughly shoving his hand down the front of Wangler's loose pants and dropping the small vial into his crotch. He pats him roughly on the face, then shoves Poet out of the way as he makes his way out of the pod and onto the catwalk. Sucking sideways between his teeth, he folds his arms over his massive chest and leans back against the
railing, watching the hacks with disdain as they approach his pod.

"Yo, you fucked G, dogs gonna smell 'at shit an chew off your dick," Poet warns Kenny before hustling out of the pod himself to evade what he knows is going to be an ugly scene.

Wangler freezes momentarily. Panicking, trying to choose, decide which is worse, getting busted by the hacks for having drugs in his shorts, or getting busted by Adebisi if he flushes these too. The instant it takes him to think about it is too long, and a hack and dog charge into the pod.

The hack starts stripping away bedsheets as the dog turns suddenly, catching the scent from Wangler's pants and barks once loudly, then lunges for him. Kenny leaps, quickly shoving around the purebreed and streaks out of the pod and across the catwalk.

The hack shouts, other guards in the proximity see Wangler running and take chase.

Keith: And they're - not - gonna - get him!

One hack tackles him from behind just as another one with a dog arrives to help subdue him.

Dan: They got him.

Smelling the tits in Kenny's pants, the dog lunges there as the hacks restrain him.

Keith: Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Another hack pulls the lathered beast off the kid as they drag him to his feet and haul him away.

Dan: So Wangler goes on the Ad seg list, no word yet on how long before he's expected back.

Keith: Fuckin hacks.

Dan: Keith!

Keith: No, I mean it! Fuckin hacks. They're always dicking with these guys. They're just like the owners, always trying to shake things up for the players, when the bottom line for them is all that matters...

Chris: Keith, man, ease up there, fella.

Keith: Stick it Boomer! (undoing his tie) They want to fuck up the whole system with their inter-cell block activities. That ruins and compromises the whole integrity of Tim's Em City vision and...

Dan: Uh, viewers, please excuse us, I think Keith got a hold of something leftover from Wangler's pants or something.

Keith: Fuck this noise, I'm takin my show elsewhere.

Dan: Well, that about does for this edition of the show. Until next time, prison fans.

END