Title: Wild regrets, bloody sweats

Author: Meadowsweet

Pairing: James/Remus/Sirius

Warning: slash, BDSM, angst

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Remus POV on the threesome – and the way he deals with his feeling towards the James/Sirius relationship.

Disclaimer: None of the characters portrayed below belong to me. They are owned by J.K. Rowling, Scholarstic Books, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros (and probably others).

Author’s notes: This is a sequel to "The meat it feeds on", but it is not necessary to have read it to understand this story. Thanks to Castalie, the best beta reader you could dream of (and my own personal transition slut *g*)

Wild Regrets, Bloody Sweats
by Meadowsweet

Lying on his back in the grass, Remus was staring at the sky. A perfect day. Just enough wind not to be too hot under the July sun. He had taken his shirt off – he was sure no one would come over in this forgotten place in the middle of nowhere… no one would stare at his scars – the full moon had taken place the week before and he was still weak from his transformation.

If nothing had happened, they should all be celebrating Harry’s third birthday. If. If he hadn’t been away. If Sirius hadn’t betrayed James and Lily. If Peter hadn’t played hero. If James and Lily hadn’t been… murdered.

Those two lovely idiots were gone. One dead, the other in Azkaban. How could they do this to him? Leaving him alone, like that! They were all he ever had! He would never love anyone as much as he had loved them. Yes, he knew they had used him as a sex toy, but he had loved it! Every moment…

******

In their fifth year, Sirius had had no wish to see his family more than was necessary, and Remus’s parents were spending their holidays in Italy for their twentieth anniversary. James had chosen to stay out of friendship, but Peter had been called back home by his mother – some kind of family reunion that was supposed to take place – leaving them the opportunity to explore the castle and grounds recklessly. James, Sirius and Remus had been caught in a snow storm out of bound and had taken refuge in the Shrieking Shack, lighting a fire to try and keep the cold out. Sirius was laying on the bed, while James and Remus were playing chess.

"I’m bored," Sirius said.

"What do you have in mind?" James asked, his eyes not leaving the chess game.

Sirius sat down crossed legged on the bed before answering with a grin: "You know what I want…" and he turned his head to stare at Remus.

Clueless, Remus didn’t see them move: all of a sudden they were on him and had thrown him on the bed. Sirius was holding his shoulders while James straddled his hips and explained:

"Let’s play a little game, Remus. First one to come loses."

Remus looked at them in disbelief. Were they really talking about fucking? It wasn’t like he had never lusted about his friends – who hadn’t? – but to actually… No, they couldn’t mean… But James started working on his belt, taking his trousers off. Apparently, yes, they meant… Soon enough, Remus was naked and held by his two best friends. He was too startled to protest – and if he was honest, he had no wish to do so.

"Here are the rules: I order, you obey. That’s for you too, Sirius," James added with a warning glance. "Have you ever been fucked, Remus?"

Startled, he shook his head in negation. Sirius grinned.

"Excellent," he said, and added, looking concerned: "James, a good teacher always gives an example of what he intends to do."

"My, my, aren’t you an exhibitionist?" James sighed. "All right, love, but first…"

Taking his wand out, he tied Remus’s hand and feet to the four posters. He then stripped, and so did Sirius, almost ripping his clothes off in his urgency. As they became naked, James asked his gorgeous partner:

"Any request?"

"Didn’t you say last time that it was your game, your rules?" Sirius teased.

"It’s Remus’s first time. Let’s just make a feast of it."

"Well, just one request really: at least prepare me this time," he said, sounding a tad reproachful.

"As you wish, love," James said with a grin.

Sirius got on all fours across Remus, to whom he cast a quick glance and winked at him. Both were half-hard when James sucked on his index finger and pushed it in Sirius’s anus, slowly, until his knuckles were buried deep in Sirius’s arse.

Sirius pushed against it, fucking himself on his lover’s fingers, moaning, asking for more. A request to which James gladly obliged with a second, then a third finger. Sirius thrust against the fingers.

"Stop moving, Sirius," James ordered.

But he didn’t. James removed his fingers and got off the bed.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, disbelief clearly written on his face.

"I said you were to follow my directions. You’re out of the game for today, Sirius."

Sirius gasped, horrified. James walked toward a corner of the room, kneeled and lifted a floor board. He took something out of the hidden place, which Remus identified as a rucksack when James moved back to the bed. He took out several leather elements that Remus didn’t recognize at first. Sirius stepped back, his eyes set on the objects James was taking out of the back.

"Come on, Sirius, you knew this was coming."

James moved forward and tied a leather collar around Sirius’s neck. There was metal buckle on the back of it. James turned Sirius around and tied his hands in his back with a leather strap and chained his arms to his neck. Sirius yanked at the chain once and he let out a gasping noise: there was not enough length to enable him to extend his arms, which he had to keep bent. James turned him around so that he was back to facing the bed.

"James, I-"

"Love, would you give me a safe word?" James asked as if he was asking for some salt.

Sirius frowned, and while he was looking for a word, James turned to Remus, who was still bound to the bed, and explained:

"We have to agree with a word that will be the cue for us to stop hurting him… or you, for that matter – ‘stop it’ is obviously out of the question."

"Hufflepuff," Sirius grinned. "I doubt we could use that work for kinky purpose."

"Well, you’ve come up with worse, now kneel down," James laughed and let his eyes wander on Sirius’s bound body. "I’m rather pleased with my new purchase," he said, looking satisfied. "Now, Remus. Sorry about the little contretemps. I’m all yours… well, you’re all mine now," he said with a feral grin.

Remus glanced at Sirius, who was tied up and wouldn’t take part in the ritual. Remus was slightly disappointed that he wouldn’t get to be fucked by Sirius tonight, but to see him bound, his cock hard, unable to do anything was so arousing that Remus came as soon as James licked his dick, much to their silent audience’s pleasure – as soon as Sirius had opened his mouth to talk, James had pulled a gag-ball out of the bag, therefore efficiently preventing any more comments. Remus was James’s centre of attention for the next two hours – his dominating friend dutifully ignored Sirius, much to the latter’s distress. From his moans, Remus could tell Sirius was in pain – and that it aroused Sirius.

***

Those nightly meetings weren’t a routine, but a regular event – they were issued mostly after one of Sirius’s famous ‘I’m bored’ complaints. Remus suspected his friends to have more private parties to which he wasn’t invited, but he didn’t care. He was theirs, they might do as they pleased. It had taken him a while to understand the unspoken agreement that lay between James and Sirius. While at first it had appeared that James was totally dominating Sirius, bending him to his own desires, it became quite clear that James never did anything his lover didn’t want – it was difficult for Remus to find out where the power lay. As for his own part in the game… he followed James’s order, which he expressed with words, and Sirius’s, which he expressed with his attitude.

Their lives at Hogwarts seemed to be separated in concentric circles. In the first circle, the largest, the school, they were Potter, Black and Lupin; in the second circle, the Marauders, they were Prongs, Padfoot and Moony; in the third circle, the privacy of their desires, James, Sirius and Remus. Remus suspected there was a fourth circle, the smallest, the one he wished for but doubted he would ever reach, in which James and Sirius were ‘Love’.

They never met regularly, it depended on their moods. One day for example, when Remus went to see James after a Quidditch game he had just won but couldn’t approach him as the other members of his team and house surrounded him. On his way to the locker rooms, over the others’ heads, James had mouthed "wanna fuck?" to Remus, who had first looked around to make sure it was addressed to him, then had locked his eyes in James’s and had mouthed "tonight?" James had nodded and turned his attention to some pretty girls coming to congratulate him. Remus turned around to see where Sirius was and saw him talking soothingly one of the Ravenclaw Chasers who was clearly smitten with him. Remus smiled as he watched his friend charming her. He turned away, in case he laughed, and went back to the castle for a nap – tonight was going to be exhausting, or so he hoped. Peter accompanied him to the entrance of the castle – being with Sirius and James while they were surrounded by groupies seemed like an exhausting experience for Peter, who was torn between joining their fans and laughing at those love sick girls. After six years of friendship, he still couldn’t make up his mind.

"Which ones do you think they’ll spend the night with?" Peter asked in a dreamy voice.

"Padfoot will probably end up with the Ravenclaw," Remus lied, shameless, "and Prongs… I would bet on the Hufflepuff twins, you know, the fourth years."

"Oh yeah, I remember that once he said threesomes where a fantasy of his," Peter said.

If Remus had looked at Peter at that moment, he would have noticed a bitter look on his face, but Remus was too focused on the promised meeting to care. As they arrived to the castle, Peter left Remus and scurried to the library to finish his History of Magic essay on "the part played by the Muggle religious authorities in the quest to find the Grail and how it affected the 1276 restriction on broom importation from Brittany"

***

That night, when Remus arrived at the Shrieking Shack, he found James sitting on the chair he usually tied Sirius to. They had obviously been here for a while if he could trust the strong, musky smell of come that floated in the room. James’s shirt was unbuttoned, the tie of his uniform undone, his fly opened. He had taken his cock out and his left leg lay across the arm-rest. Sirius was kneeling in front of him, swallowing James’s shaft to the root. Sirius was naked, safe for a black leather collar. At this familiar sight, Remus’s cock sprang to attention.

"Come in, Remus, come in," James said, panting.

Remus took off his clothes as quickly as he could, to which James nodded in agreement.

"Sirius, stop," James ordered.

He didn’t. James grabbed a fistful of Sirius’s hair – which Remus had always found gorgeous.

"You see, Remus, it’s high time for him to learn obedience," he whispered, his eyes locked in Sirius’s. "So when I say ‘stop’, what do you do?"

"I stop," Sirius whispered, his voice hoarse.

"Or else?"

"You will punish me," he answered with a smirk.

Remus approached as James backhanded Sirius, who lost his balance and fell on the floor. James was immediately on him, grabbing once more Sirius’s hair, turning his head – his cheekbone would soon turn purple... Much to his disgust, Remus thought that he found the thought arousing.

"Will you take the game seriously?"

James grabbed the collar and set Sirius back to his feet. When James threw Sirius toward the wall, he barely had time to lift his hands to prevent himself from breaking his nose on the stones. Immediately, James took hold of his wrists and bound him to the chains that hung there – a little souvenir from a previous rough sex night the three friends had enjoyed together. Sirius’s arms were stretched above his head, yet James had permitted his feet to remain on the ground, so that his body wouldn’t suffer from the stretch. James kicked his legs apart though, as far as Sirius could go without dislocating his shoulders. Once Sirius stood in a position that James approved of, James let his hand wander on his friend’s back, caressing his shoulders, the small of his back, and the cleft of his arse, pressing on the tight ring.. He sucked on his finger and introduced it in Sirius.

"Remus," James called, "would you hand me the whip?"

Remus did as he was asked: he went to the chair where James had sat down moments before and sure enough, the rucksack was there, with the whip. James had added a second finger in and Sirius was already panting, which turned Remus more that he expected – that, and the thought of what was to happen.

"And while you’re at it, hand me the butt plug… no, not that one, the one next to the green dildo."

"Why do they even make green dildos?" Remus wondered out loud.

"Why would you even buy a green dildo?" Sirius commented, almost laughing, then grunting as James put in a third finger, stretching Sirius’s tight ring.

"Sirius, will you please stay on character?" James said in an annoyed voice, caressing his lover’s prostate. "And please, it was either that or one with purple and blue butterflies – I’m not kidding, and the subject is closed. As for you smart-ass, it really wasn’t a wise thing to do to make fun of a guy holding a whip."

"I didn’t make fun of you, I made fun of the dildo," Sirius said, laughing.

Sirius’s laugh turned into a moan of pleasure as he leant toward James, trying to insert as much of his fingers into his arse as he could. The moan then turned into a yelp of protest as James retrieved his fingers out of his arse to grab the whip Remus was handing him out.

His protests turned into a yell of pain when a first blow landed on his right shoulder. The red strip it left on Sirius’s body made Remus shiver in excitement. Leaning against the bed, Remus had to clutch his balls not to come instantly. The whip was too large to cut Sirius’s skin, and James showed evident skills, which could only be acquired through long practice, or so Remus gathered. But he had no doubts that without the help of a magic healing charm his friend wouldn’t be able to fuck anyone else with the lights turned on for quite a while – unless he was able to come up with a decent lie about how he got the injuries… which Remus was sure Sirius would be able to, but that wasn’t quite the point.

James’s cock sprang with each blow he landed on Sirius’s back. Remus was amazed that James hadn’t come yet, while all he could do to prevent from cuming was to grab firmly the bed posts behind his head to prevent himself from touching his cock. From where he stood, he couldn’t be sure of it, but he guessed that Sirius was hard as well.

Then, without warning, James stopped and stepped back. He stood next to Remus and admired his work. Remus wasn’t told what to do, even though he had expected James to order him around. It was therefore his initiative to let go of the bed post and walk behind James, who couldn’t take his eyes off Sirius. Remus grabbed James’s cock and caressed it, too softly to make him come, more of a light touch to let him know he was there. James seemed lost in his dreams and his body didn’t seem to acknowledge the fact that Remus was now caressing his cleft.

Remus thought quickly that he had never seen James getting fucked. Seizing his courage – he feared James’s anger more than anything else, he was certain he wouldn’t be able to endure the punishment Sirius could, not so soon after the full moon, not ever – he licked his fingers, spread his own pre-come on them, kissed the side of James’s neck and impaled him on his fingers. James gasped for air and he let his head fall back and rest against Remus’s shoulder.

James moaned as Remus continued stretching him, scissoring his fingers so slightly as to loosen him, his eyes still set on Sirius. James shifted and leaned more insistently on his partner. Remus took the hint, removed his fingers and guided James, who was able to impale himself on Remus’s cock. Remus, aware of the pain James could feel, made him go slowly, savouring the feeling of James’s muscles clenching his shaft. Remus put one arm around his partner’s chest to prevent him from falling, while he stroke him with his other hand.

Finally, James turned his head and kissed Remus’s mouth, their tongues playing together. Then, they came together, James whispering a soft "oh Remus" before losing himself again in the kiss.

When they turned their attention back to Sirius, his shoulders were shaking – he was obviously crying. From the pain? From the lack of attention? Remus couldn’t tell, nor did he care for the moment, with his cock still buried into James.

When Remus got out of his arse, James whispered to his ear:

"Go on… do it for me… I want to watch…"

Remus doubted he would be able to please Sirius as well as James with the sort of pain they both seemed to enjoy so much, but right now, he would have done anything to please James, who shook his head as if to erase from his memory his temporary weakness and went to sit in his chair. It was only at that moment that Remus noticed its high back and deep sitting – it resembled so much a medieval throne… As if Sirius and him were merely entertainers for the court… No, not as if: that’s exactly what they were. So be it, if it pleased James.

James didn’t seem inclined to telling Remus what to do, so Remus took hold of the butt plug they had previously made fun of and walked toward Sirius, who was still hard – he hadn’t come yet. Very good, Remus thought. He turned back to grab a cock ring and put it on Sirius, who shivered and let out a sob. Excellent, Remus thought: that would please James, and that was all that mattered. Then, he forced the butt plug in with little resistance, James having stretched Sirius earlier on… not to mention the fact that his insides were still wet from the foreplay that had been going on between him and his lover before their partner arrived. Nonetheless, Sirius screamed. Which only infuriated Remus some more – how was he supposed to know if it was a real scream or if Sirius was just faking? He promised himself he would make sure Sirius was going to suffer so much every scream he would utter from now on would be one hundred percent genuine. He made sure the butt plug brushed against Sirius’s prostate with each of his movements and took the whip.

"Count the blows," Remus growled.

Remus then positioned Sirius so that his back was arched, making it easier for Remus – "o-one…" to whip his cleft. Which he did. Easier – "Two!" to touch the butt plug. Which he did. Easier to make Sirius scream – "THREE!!" in pain and/or pleasure. Which he did.

Yet, Sirius never said the safe word. It was only when Sirius’s knees gave in and he was hanging on the chains from his wrists did James muttered a spell to release him. Sirius fell in a bundle on the floor, weeping. Remus’s first movement was to go and comfort him – after all, he was the reason Sirius was in pain… how could he do this? – but a glance from James froze him where he was.

For what seemed like the longest moment Sirius just lay there, weeping. Then James got up and walked to stand over Sirius.

"What do you want, love?" James whispered softly.

"I want…" Sirius sobbed, "I want you…" he sobbed harder than ever.

James kneeled down, and Remus took a few step back and watched. Watched James release the butt plug and the cock ring. Watched him put his arms around Sirius and cuddle him. Watched Sirius nibbling on James’s neck. Watched James smile so softly it hurt him.

Remus had never seen James smile like that. The reality of the situation hit him: he had been part of the two lovers’ sex game. That was all he ever was: a sex toy. He had put all his rage in the blows he had inflicted Sirius – had James noticed? Was James enjoying torturing his feelings like he enjoyed torturing Sirius’s body? Remus let himself fall on the floor and started stroking his cock in rhythm with James’s wrist action.

James, cuddling Sirius, whispering soft ‘I love you’s to him, stoking his cock as he rocked him back and forth, until Sirius looked up at Remus and came, their eyes locked together. Sirius mouthed ‘thank you’ before putting his head back on the nook of James’s neck. James turned his head slightly and motioned for Remus to come to them. Remus crawled, and soon was locked in a three persons cuddle. Kissing Sirius’s neck while James’s was kissing Sirius’s mouth, he felt a hand on his cock, attempting to make him come.

After Remus came, they lay still for a moment, caressing each others’s bodies, feeling their warmth, healing Sirius’s back, coming one more time. They fell asleep in each others’ arms, the three of them on the bed. When an asleep Sirius shivered from the cold, Remus summoned a blanket and covered them. It was a first. Usually, they all went back to their respective beds after their fuck sessions.

The next morning, they could see through the cracked shades that the sun was already up. When Remus woke up, he could tell that the lovers next to him weren’t sleeping either. Nor were they caressing each other. They were merely touching, not daring to move in case it broke the charm of the night they had just spent in this room. Who would be brave enough to bring them back to reality?

"Now, boys," Sirius finally said, standing up, stretching, "if you don’t mind, it’s Hogsmead weekend and I have to go."

"Where are you going?" Remus asked.

"A date with some pretty Ravenclaw," he answered, gathering his clothes.

"A Ravenclaw girl, I hope?" James asked.

"Of course, love – you don’t think I would let any other dicks," Sirius said, pointing in turn at his friend and his lover’s cocks, "get near my arse, do you?"

"What about your mouth?" Remus asked after a moment.

Sirius laughed, bent to kiss him and left, leaving them with quizzical looks on their faces.

***

Remus couldn’t get enough of it. His two friends seemed to be willing to order him around almost by the minute. Once, a Saturday morning, while Remus was showering in the Prefects’ Bathroom, Sirius crept in. Remus thought about asking how Sirius had got the password to enter but before he could formulate the question Sirius was on his knees, licking the tip of his cock. It was the first time he had had Sirius all to himself and had to exercise incredible willpower not to come instantly. His hands groped around to find something to support himself, but there was nothing except the wall, which only added to his torture… and his pleasure. When he came, Sirius swallowed, rose and kissed Remus.

The kiss prolonged and the two friends, being alone as fuck partners for the first time, melted to the floor, cuddling and kissing, savouring each other.

Another time, Remus was stopped on his way to History of Magic by James who dragged him into a broom closet. As soon as the door was closed and locked, James devoured Remus’s mouth with a powerful kiss. James broke the kiss to turn Remus around, quickly dropping his own trousers while Remus did the same on his own. Quickly preparing himself and his partner, James soon sheathed himself inside his friend with a moan of pleasure. James grabbed Remus’s cock and stoke it at the same rhythm as his own thrusts. When they had both come, James remained buried inside his friend, his arms around him, catching his breath. Remus did not dare move, in case he broke the charm of the instant.

And those surprise quickies went on for the year and half that their ‘relationship’ lasted, during which he experienced a lot of positions and places to fuck – who knew that the Transfiguration classroom could be such a kinky place for a sixty-nine? The three of them seemed to fulfil their every fantasies during this time period.

***

"Remus," James said, "I have a favour to ask."

Remus looked up from the book he was reading, sitting by the lake. He wondered what James had in mind. He was hoping it would include binding Sirius again – he had grown quite fond of it lately. The wind was blowing, ruffling James’s hair. James looked embarrassed for a second, which struck Remus as odd: the third circle James never had any problems formulating a request nor an order, no matter what it was. James didn’t sit down but stood still in front of him, silent, as if trying to recall the lines he had prepared.

"You had a favour to ask," Remus reminded him.

James frowned and dropped on his knees in front of his friend and partner. He had a pleading look on his face.

"Could you convince Lily Evans to go out with me?… Oh, get that shocked look off your face, Remus!"

Remus closed his book, more to try to appear composed than anything else and said:

"You’re not just looking for a new fuck partner," he stated blankly.

"No, I’m serious about this. About her. You know her more than I do, I mean with both of you being prefects and all…"

"Do I need to remind you that she is less than fond of you?"

"Please," James said.

"What about Sirius?"

James interrupted him before he could add ‘what about me?’

"Look, we all had fun, but I have to… to settle down…. I can’t explain…"

"Not to me," Remus replied bitterly.

"What?" James exclaimed, eyes wide opened. "No! Remus, it has nothing to do with you, it’s just…" He looked down, "it’s just something I have to do."

"Does Sirius know about this?" Remus asked softly after a few minutes of silence.

"Yes. Look, the thing is that I have plans for after Hogwarts, and…"
By the time James had finished explaining the reasons of his decision, Remus had accepted to grant his friend’s wish. Because he loved James and wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He set his jaw, and thought he did a pretty good job at hiding his feelings. That night, under the shower, he cried. He knew the days of careless fun and fuck were over and that something had changed irremediably.

******

After that day, the threesomes had never happened again. To appease his hunger, Remus took his friends’ path and started fucking around in school, without any distinction of House, age or gender. They had laughed about it together and ventured that between the three of them, they must have fucked half of Hogwarts in their last three years. From that day on, the third circle didn’t exist anymore, and the nicknames were used every time.

Lying on his back in the grass, Remus missed his friends. They had been gone for almost two years now, and there was so much things he hadn’t had the time to tell his friends. Things he ought to have told James and Sirius.

He had often pictured the scene. At an alumni reunion, ten years from now. James and Lily would have brought their son, Sirius his flavour of the month, and they would all have a chat. Then at one moment he would have remained alone with his best friends – in his fantasy, Peter would have been unable to come due to work, and they sat next to the pond, in the grass.

After one of them would have mentioned how happy he looked, he would tell them casually, looking at them over his drink:

"Yes, I know, I’ve changed a lot," he would say, laughing, "but hey, the truth is that she changed my life. I was lost after Hogwarts, she found me. Remember how it was in school? Maybe I was just too much into sex. I was one of those tarts who never say no, a fuck-and-go toy…"

They would laugh and deny it. Remus would go on:

"I know you had dozens of girls no one knew about, during parties, especially after the Quidditch games – hey, don’t bother denying it, I heard girls talking about you to Madam Pomfrey while I was recovering there after the full moons…

He would turn toward Sirius and say as casually as he could:

"By the way, Sirius, remember the Gryffindor with the dimples, Cymbeline What’s-her-name? You got her pregnant – don’t worry, she had a miscarriage. I guess I was jealous – no, not of the pregnancy Sirius, would you focus please, I’m trying to make a point here. Did you have any idea how much it hurt me to be just your fuck toy, and not be able to kiss you, to talk about us in public? You would come to me, fuck me, but as soon as it was over, you would refuse to hold my hand in public."

They wouldn’t answer that. In his fantasies they never did. Their laughs would die. They would frown, trying to understand what he meant.

"I know you were very careful about our threesomes to remain secret – even Peter never found out about them, and I’m glad he didn’t, it would have hurt him too much not to be included. When we were kissing, all I was thinking about was ‘I mustn’t fall in love’ while all you two could think about was ‘it mustn’t be known’. But you know what? In my arms, when I had my cock in your arse, or when I was blowing you, I knew your breathless whispers were mine only. I knew that even if you didn’t love me, at least when you came, you at least cared for me. Falling in love with you felt like falling in the stairs – it hurt so much."

They would look at each other, trying to find out what the other was thinking about. Oh they were always the perfect partners in crime. They would swear that they had loved him, wasn’t it the reason why they had become Animagi? Because they loved him? But Remus would go on:

"Remember the seventh year? I was in hell. I thought no one would ever fill that emotional gap you left when we broke up. Although we never ‘broke up’, of course, we never were a couple. And you know what hurt me the most? You would call each other ‘love’, while I was always plain ‘Remus’. You braggarts… You were so used to being fused over that you have no idea how lonely I felt surrounded by all those students. I was so lonely I thought nothing, no one could ever soothe me."

He knew he would have to stop there. He would have finished his speech in a whisper, his voice taken away from him by his emotions. James would ruffle his own hair, thinking. Sirius would rest his elbows on his knees and bury his head in his hands – hiding his reaction like he always did when it came to feelings. Then they would apologize. And he would forgive them.

***

He had loved them. Adored them. Lost them. *Peter was so lucky,* Remus thought. *Ignorance was a bliss to him: he never had a clue what was going on between the three of us, he enjoyed their friendship without being too emotionally involved, and he had died to avenge James.* Staring at the sky through the leaved, Remus grinned. He had never thought he would be jealous of Peter.

Remus rolled around on the grass, resting his chin on the back of his hands. Murderer or not, he had loved Sirius, and he would give anything to see him one more time… to see him laugh… to tell him how much he loved him…

Remus grabbed a dandelion in bloom and wished he would be able to tell Sirius how he felt toward him someday. And he blew on it. He watched as the weeds flew into the wind, toward the sea. Toward Azkaban, he hoped.


*****
END