Mistrust
by nancy
Matthew was annoying in a yappy-dog kind of way, but Shawn was pretty sure he knew where they stood. The ambition on the other man’s face was easy to read and Shawn knew that if he fed that ambition, it wouldn’t be all that difficult to keep him in check. The fact that he had to think of things like that, that they cropped up in his mind without any volition on his part, still threw him sometimes, though.
It was all Jordan’s fault. Before Jordan, he hadn’t even considered that people would have ulterior motives when speaking to him. Before Jordan, he hadn’t even considered that he’d be in a position that people would need to have an ulterior motive. Now, however, his life was filled with motives and agendas and plans. Some of them good, some of them bad, quite a few of them amoral. All of them hinged on his thoughts, what he would and wouldn’t do...and what people could do to induce him into complicity.
Running a tired hand through his hair, Shawn pushed aside the reports on the desk, unable to look at another single one. He stared at the phone when it rang, debating whether or not to answer it, but then picked it up. It could have to do with Kyle and he had to be available for that, if nothing else. Sometimes that was the only thing that caused him to answer the phone, helping out his cousin.
My lover’s murderer, Shawn thought with familiar bitterness.
Only, it hadn’t gotten quite that far. ‘Future-lover’s murderer’ would be more accurate, since Jordan wouldn’t touch him until he was legal. It hadn’t mattered how much Shawn had pushed himself onto the other man. Jordan’s morals had kicked in with a vengeance, after his brush with Isabelle, much to Shawn’s frustration at the time. Now he was wondering if it wasn’t all to the better, since he couldn’t imagine how much worse the pain would be if he’d completely been Jordan’s.
“Shawn? You still there?” Tom’s voice asked.
Shaking himself out of the hazy thoughts, Shawn answered, “Yeah, sorry Uncle Tommy. I’m just a little tired tonight.”
“When was the last time you got a good night’s sleep?”
The sincerely worried question almost broke through the defenses he’d bolted in place at Jordan’s death, but not quite. Shawn pinched the bridge of his nose and answered, “I think it was about, what, four years ago? The night before I got taken?”
“Shawn...” Tom sighed. “Why don’t you come here and stay with us for a couple of days. You know we’d love to have you, and it sounds like you could use the break.”
And even though Tom was family, someone he loved, that hated, tiny voice inside sneered silently, You’d like for me to let the Centre flounder for a few days, wouldn’t you, Agent Baldwin?
Shaking it off, hating that he couldn’t seem to trust anyone anymore, Shawn said apologetically, “I’ve got too much to do, but thanks, Uncle Tommy, I appreciate the offer.”
“It’s always there,” Tom told him firmly.
Shawn smiled faintly and replied, “Thanks. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Night, Shawn. Take care of yourself.”
And even though the man’s son was in such dire straits, the warmth and worry he had left over for Shawn was enough to make him hang up without answering, knowing that his voice would betray him.
Shawn slumped in the chair that had always seemed too small for Jordan, but was definitely too big for him. The door to the outer office opened and he grimaced, not in the mood for anything else Matthew had for him to deal with that night. Wasn’t Isabelle suddenly appearing to be twenty-odd years old, a cousin on trial, and leadership at the age of seventeen enough to handle?
Abruptly angry at everything, Shawn jumped to his feet and stalked around the desk towards the den part of the office suite. All the fury propelling him forward to give Matthew a tongue lashing died the moment he crossed the threshold. Shawn stopped in his tracks, his vision graying around the edges with shock as he took in the sight of Jordan Collier, disheveled and dirty and with a wild, unkempt beard, but very, very much alive.
“Jordan,” he croaked.
There was a hunger in the pale blue eyes that met his, so much hunger and need that Shawn stumbled back a step. Jordan closed the distance between them in a few strides and gripped the back of his neck, yanking him in with a painfully tight grip and mashing their mouths together. Shawn groaned and opened to the onslaught, desperate for more, fingers digging into the other man’s back.
Shawn found himself on the sofa, Jordan’s weight pinning him down while his mouth was plundered. Letting his legs fall to the side, opening himself to anything Jordan wanted to do to him, Shawn cried with a heart-aching happiness, unable to stop the tears from spilling out. His dress shirt was ripped apart and he arched into the heavy-handed caress, senses swimming as he desperately sucked on Jordan’s tongue in his mouth. His cock was hard enough to meet Jordan’s through two layers of fabric, but that was almost an afterthought, even as the other man tore at his pants.
The kiss broke off at long last, both of them panting for air, and Shawn cupped Jordan’s face, seeing the lines that hadn’t been there before. All he could do was smile and whisper, “You’re alive.”
Jordan stared at him for a long time, wordless, as if memorizing the sight of him. His voice was just as scratchy as his beard as he said hoarsely, “You’re still here.”
“The Centre’s yours,” Shawn replied, staring back. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t bother to hide anything. Nothing could mar this moment except dishonesty or dissembling. “I couldn’t leave. I had to keep what was left of you.”
The kiss this time was slow and soft, filled with a deeper emotion than blinding hunger. An emotion that Shawn had tried not to feel in the long months since Jordan’s death.
Jordan rested his forehead to Shawn’s when that kiss ended and whispered, “I need you. I can’t wait any more, Shawn, I’m sorry. Please?”
Rubbing his hands slowly up Jordan’s arms, Shawn whispered back, “I’m yours, Jordan, always have been.”
“It shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be like this,” Jordan said, drawing back as if coming to his senses.
That was the last thing Shawn wanted, so he pulled Jordan back down and took his mouth in a hungry kiss. Jordan moaned into his mouth and then took the kiss over, as Shawn knew he would, biting and sucking at his mouth. Those hands were on his pants again, pushing inside them and gripping his dick, rubbing it through his boxers, and Shawn thrust up instinctively, gasping and needing more. Jordan pulled away, but Shawn wouldn’t let go of his shirt, too afraid this was another dream that would leave him crying when he woke in the morning.
As if sensing that, Jordan soothed, “It’s okay, Shawn, but we need supplies. I’ll be right back, just going to the bathroom.”
Biting his lip, Shawn couldn’t make himself let go and said, “I’ll go with you.”
A strangely tender expression surfaced on Jordan’s face as he agreed, “All right. And, I guess a shower wouldn’t go amiss.”
Jordan naked in the shower was the stuff of his fantasies and Shawn swallowed against a suddenly dry throat.
Chuckling, Jordan observed, “No, it wouldn’t go amiss at all.”
The full bathroom had always seemed excessive to Shawn, but he had cause to appreciate the convenience now. He knew, of course, that Jordan had done this with other people, had used this exact bathroom with who knew how many women and men, but none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was that Jordan was alive and whole and sane and with him in every way.
Shawn stripped out of his clothes without a second thought, flushing at the hungry expression that returned to Jordan’s face. He ignored it, helping the other man from his clothes and kicking them aside. His hands ran eagerly over the broad chest, through the patch of dark hair.
“Let me shave while you start the water,” Jordan told him, running his knuckles over Shawn’s cheek.
Nodding reluctantly, not wanting to leave him even that short a distance, Shawn did so, stepping under the hot, firm spray with a sigh of relief. He heard the steady snip-snip of scissors, but was startled by the change getting rid of all that hair wrought; the Wildman look was gone, the beard ragged, but manageable and close-cut. It was the old Jordan, his Jordan, who stepped into the tub with him.
Jordan smiled at him and said, “Couldn’t do much about the hair.”
Shawn reached for him, saying, “I don’t care,” and latched onto his mouth with a strength that surprised them both. The water sluiced over them and slowly, as Jordan calmed and gentled the kiss, some of Shawn’s fears subsided. His hands moved over the strong, slick body, feeling the muscles and unexpected scars, his mind temporarily blocking out what might have been done to Jordan the second time around. They still didn’t know what had happened to him the first time, though Shawn had always suspected the other to have somehow been made irresistible.
God knows I could never say no, Shawn thought, moaning.
His head dropping back for Jordan to kiss and bite his way down to the juncture, sucking there hard enough that Shawn knew there would be a hickey. He found himself with his back to the tiled wall and Jordan pressed full-body against him. It was all and more than he’d ever wanted, the way Jordan touched him as though he were the most precious thing in the world, how his hands had free reign to massage and caress whatever part of the other man he wanted.
And then Jordan was on his knees, mouth hot and strong around Shawn’s cock and he cried out in shocked pleasure. His body shook with need, balls drawing up tight as Jordan went down on him. Shawn watching in disbelief, shuddering in reaction to seeing and feeling his cock disappear into Jordan’s mouth and then knowing hands rubbed behind his balls and he shouted in release, coming hard.
He would have slid down the wall, but Jordan caught him up, taking his mouth almost savagely. Strong hands gripped his ass, palming them roughly and Jordan broke the kiss to turn him around, but Shawn shook his head and gasped, “I need to see you.”
“Shawn, it’ll hurt more...”
“I don’t care, I want it, need to see you, please Jordan, please,” Shawn pleaded.
“Ssh, easy,” Jordan soothed, wrapping his arms around Shawn and holding him tight.
All Shawn could do was cling to his strength and struggle to hold it together. They stood like that for several minutes, Shawn pressing his face and lips to any part of Jordan he could reach.
Jordan drew back and smiled down at him, asking, “Better?”
Mildly embarrassed by his outburst, Shawn nodded. “But I still need to see you.”
Kissing him briefly, Jordan said, “Then we need to do this somewhere else. Come on.”
Shawn followed him willingly out of the tub, drying off as quickly as possible. Jordan attached himself to Shawn from the back, nuzzling at his throat and chuckling when Shawn squirmed at the beard against his skin. They made it back to the living area of the suite, but not because either paid any real attention to the way there.
It was luck that found them on the soft, thick carpet, instead of the desk in the office.
It was Jordan’s tenacity that brought the bottle of lotion with them.
All Shawn really knew was that finally, he had Jordan to himself. No one even knew that he was still alive and Shawn knew he should feel bad for being so selfish, but all he wanted was for the world to continue to think that. Then Jordan’s finger pushed inside him and he moaned, thought taking a definite hike as his body was invaded slowly, but firmly. Jordan stared into his eyes as he prepared Shawn, and there was nothing that could have broken that gaze. It was cold fire burning at his soul, warming that frozen place deep inside. It matched the hunger that had plagued him for months. All that and more blazed out from Jordan’s pale eyes as Shawn’s body yielded eagerly to him.
And then Shawn lifted his legs, opening himself to Jordan just as the other took position, the two of them working in true concert as they seldom had before Jordan’s death. Shawn’s eyes widened as he was filled, fiery pain lancing through his body, but he didn’t look away. Couldn’t. He bit his lip until Jordan gently sucked it into his mouth, breaking the stare only because Shawn went cross-eyed trying to hold it.
The sheer strength of the man taking him stole Shawn’s breath, aided by the return of that fierce, hungry kiss. Jordan’s cock moving in and out of him in a steady rhythm, the burn of friction increasing until it turned to pleasure and his own cock began to harden again. When the kiss ended and Jordan began fucking him in earnest, Shawn couldn’t get enough of looking at him. The strain of his muscles, the sweat sliding down, through his chest hair, the frown of concentration that wrinkled his brow all burned themselves into Shawn’s memory.
Things got fast and furious the moment that something inside Shawn was touched just right and pleasure seared through him. He bucked up, legs tightening around Jordan as he cried out. Jordan moved harder and faster, panting and muttering words Shawn couldn’t quite make out. The world tilted suddenly and Shawn was pulled upright, his knees under him and Jordan’s arms a band of steel around his waist. He moaned, his cock rubbing against Jordan’s stomach and his nails dug into Jordan’s back as he hung on for the end of the ride, which he could feel coming.
Close enough at last, mouth to Shawn’s ear, Jordan’s fractured words finally became audible...
“Always needed you, light to my dark, innocent, perfect Shawn, so fucking perfect, need to be in you, gonna fill you up with me, so perfect...”
Shawn wanted to decry those words, knowing how very imperfect he was, but that spot was hit again and again when Jordan changed angles. Shawn’s nails dug in as lightening exploded through him, eyes clenching shut and he came a second time, his shout swallowed by Jordan’s mouth. Wet heat filled him as the other man pulled him down a final time, sealing them together to possess Shawn in the last way that mattered.
Drifting on a high never before experienced, Shawn protested vaguely when Jordan withdrew from him a timeless spell later, but had no energy to enforce his protest. A warm, familiar chuckle echoed in his ear as he was lifted into Jordan’s arms like he weighed nothing and then settled lengthwise over the other man, both of them on the sofa.
Though sleep hovered close, weighing down his body, Shawn had to ask... “How?”
“I don’t know,” Jordan answered softly, nuzzling Shawn’s temple. “I just...appeared...a couple of days ago at the lake.”
The mysterious future again meddling in the past, but Shawn didn’t have the energy to really think about it. Not with Jordan as his living pillow beneath him, the heartbeat that he hadn’t been able to restart thumping steady and firm under his ear in a mesmerizing rhythm. The phone rang, almost breaking through that haze, but Shawn yawned and snuggled tighter against Jordan, the rumble of his voice a comforting counterpoint to his heartbeat.
“No, we’re good, thank you Matthew. Yes. That’s right. Thank you, again.” Kissing the top of Shawn’s head, Jordan asked, “You want to go to bed properly now? Matthew will make sure we’re not ogled or disturbed on the walk there.”
Shawn bit at the nearest bit of exposed flesh to show his displeasure at the thought of moving.
Laughing softly, Jordan said, “That’s what I thought.”
Just as he was about to drift to sleep, Shawn jolted awake, panic racing through him at the idea that he would wake up and Jordan would have vanished.
Strong arms tightened around him and Jordan promised, “I’ll be here when you wake, Shawn, and everything will work out. Trust me.”
Only because it was Jordan, did Shawn trust enough to close his eyes again and let the darkness take him.
end
